nan terminally ill dying!

[smiley1590]

my nans dying terminally ill been for 3 years docs predicted months her time scale left here! my mum's her main carer as such i'm trying to get my head around the fact one day i won't go into my nans,speak to my nan etc

 

i can't seem to manage it well without breaking down at night in tears as im so scared for my mum ,me etc and what happen afterwards! how i will cope and deal with it think i'll be angry and deny the fact it's happened and real! my nans on temporary support lists for social services as my mum does most of care and support for her so does their job really for them. my mum's normally very tough and strong headed but facing the reality of my nan being taken plays on all our minds especially my mums you can see it there everyday! my mum cared for my grandad when he was terminally ill with different illness my nan cared for him too! it's his death anniversary on 5th june 1994!

 

i was only young when he died now i understand more now grown up and don't know what way i prefer best if any! i scared how my mum react when my nan goes? how she's cope and handle things!? and after my grandad died she was depressed! so was my nan! my mum can;t work due to health probs she has herself and caring for her she gave up her life on hold! and without there be a void that be constantly empty boredom,lonilness etc!

 

scared my nan will die alone so evety friday i see her before volunteer work at nursery i tell her i love her and give her kiss find hard to hold back tears my nan had enough of fighting though she tired but she is strong willed and strong minded! in a way want her to die peacefully and die in sleep! hope it will happen don't know if will! sometimes at night in my head hear voices see her hand reaching out of help but no-ones there to hear or help her! when go bed i'm worried and anxious we get dreaded phone call to say it happened when asleep! i have fear of dying

 

the likeness of my nan dying alone is a big possibility i want to make her proud! she can't go to my cousins wedding in july as she bedroom bound that hard for her to accept! though chair lift funding being sorted so she could may get downstairs again! have some freedom back!

 

my mum on outside acts like shec coping but she falling apart literally! it frustrating my mum's worn out has no energy no spare time to herself and plays loud music in car to drown out thinking and helps her cope she has walk in every morning not knowing what she going to find! she braver than i could ever be! better than how i cope and deal with things! feel my mum has to be on front to keep family going together but can't lie really starting to have knocking affect to everyone around!because my mum cares for her has direct effect on us mainly!-don't want sound selfish! sorry if i do!

 

i feel if i didn't have AS,MH probs maybe could saved her somehow!

 

just trying to make my life a sucess story so before my nan dies she can be happy at what i've done and still do she says so in her words!i look at her 'normal' photo smiling before illnesses got her and she so happy like nothing could touch her! it so hard difficult to handle but know it part of life don't make it any easier two people you love and care about suffer in different ways wish could do something make it stop not happen! grrr....

 

even the pain relief don't help with the amount of pain she is in! this can't be right to see someone suffer so much so bad amd do nothing! that's annoying part of watching but not being able to do anything productive! wish i could through it for her! you tell by her face the pain she gets!

 

my other nans in hosp dying she is hell lot older she has breast cancer! not eating she like bag of bones so skinny and small in bed parents said! parents want me to remember her the way she was! she confused and keeps going in and out of being awake then asleep it weird and strange! so parents travel once a fortnight to see her and how she doing normally she bout the same! as she lives in herfordshire! the docs said matter of time when heart gives up! but she fighting wouldn't say strong she weak very!

 

anyone relate to this family situation

 

XKX

[bid]

Hi smiley <'>

 

I helped care for my dad when he was dying from dementia.

 

I don't know if this might help you, but something that helped me cope with it all was the thought that however devastating it was for me, it is actually something that happens to all of us. Somehow seeing it as part of the normal human condition and not something that was only happening to me made it a little bit easier.

 

Bid <'>

[smiley1590]

my nan has aortic anyersum COPD nah the thought everybody goes through this natural process doesn't help but that she won't be suffering and any pain anymore!XKX

[Karen A]

my nan has aortic anyersum COPD nah the thought everybody goes through this natural process doesn't help but that she won't be suffering and any pain anymore!XKX

 

Hi smiley. <'> <'> It is very difficult when a close relative has an ilness that is known to be a terminal ilness but it is unpredictable.

My mum died five years ago.

Mum had an ilness called mylodysplasia which is very rare indeed.

Mylodysplasia effects the bone marrow.The bone marrow gradually stops working.

It is very difficult to predict how the illness will develop.In my mums case after about two years she could not make platelets or white blood cells any more.

So we knew that there was a big risk that my mum could develop a serious infection or could bleed and die very quickly indeed.

I found the fact that I did not know what would happen extremely stressful.

I was living with mum in another part of the country some of the time.However I had my partner and boys back in London.

Each time I left mum I knew I might not see her again.I knew that mum might die alone.It was very difficult.

Even over four years later I think caring for mum was one of the hardest things I ever did.

I am a trained nurse and had cared for many people who died at home and in hospital.

Caring for mum was still very difficult.

I do though know that I did the best I could.That is a big comfort.

I was with mum when she died although she was not pleased about it.

She sent me home and when the hospice called I still remember mum asking ''What are you doing here''.

I never did do as I was told.

One practical idea.A video of the wedding might be helpul.When we got married my father in law could not come because he had MS and was not well enough.We recorded the wedding on a tape and dad really enjoyed listening to the tape.It was pre-video [21 years ago last week. ]Karen.

 

[smiley1590]

a district nurse said to my mum that my nans need respite care realisitically i for sure know that my mum and nan won't accept this matter AT ALL!

 

district nurse said my mum could have a nervous breakdown she break down and cry and then get angry irritable can understand why cause she tired and worn down after 3 years of giving up her life for her mum her life has been put 'on hold' she has no free time etc to do anything she wants to do gave it up for everyone else!

 

she feels bad and guilty she isn't there to support me my brother's different SEN's! she feels so torn like being tugged everywhere with everyone running around all time!

 

she trying to run 2 houses 5 bedroom housesmy nan house cleaning and general housekeeping and looking after caring for my nan needs! and our house is run down and not how she like it clean tidy decorated!

 

my mum always had stay because of professionals coming like doctor,OT's carers,

 

feel scared as my mum smokes when under pressure and stressed anxious when struggles to cope she picks up cigarettes i scared my mum end like my nan my mum has a milder form of what my nan has COPD!

 

XKLX

[Karen A]

a district nurse said to my mum that my nans need respite care realisitically i for sure know that my mum and nan won't accept this matter AT ALL!

 

district nurse said my mum could have a nervous breakdown she break down and cry and then get angry irritable can understand why cause she tired and worn down after 3 years of giving up her life for her mum her life has been put 'on hold' she has no free time etc to do anything she wants to do gave it up for everyone else!

 

she feels bad and guilty she isn't there to support me my brother's different SEN's! she feels so torn like being tugged everywhere with everyone running around all time!

 

she trying to run 2 houses 5 bedroom housesmy nan house cleaning and general housekeeping and looking after caring for my nan needs! and our house is run down and not how she like it clean tidy decorated!

 

my mum always had stay because of professionals coming like doctor,OT's carers,

 

feel scared as my mum smokes when under pressure and stressed anxious when struggles to cope she picks up cigarettes i scared my mum end like my nan my mum has a milder form of what my nan has COPD!

 

XKLX

 

Hi Smiley. <'> <'> <'> It sounds very difficult.

I used to be a district nurse before I had my lads.

It is very difficult for relatives when a person themselves will not accept help.

District nurses can offer help or suggest respite.But no professional can force an individual to accept help if they do not want to accept support.

I understand it must be difficult for you.

My partner ended up feeling at times that it did not help the lads or himself when I was so comitted to supporting mum.

I used to either be with mum but feeling guilty that my partner was having to cope in London or in London feeling I should be with mum.

Sometimes it is very difficult to know what is the best for everyone. Karen.

 

[mossgrove]

I am sorry you are going through this.

 

My mother died of cancer a little over two years ago and it is a very difficult time.

 

Have you tried contacting your local hospice to see what services they can provide? Many hospices provide outreach services and may also be able to put you in touch with someone who can help to talk you through all the things that are happening around you, you deserve support as well.

 

Simon

 

 

[smiley1590]

we'll be fine strong family network doctor been out to see my nan today mum thought she have to call and amubulance and my nan would have to go into hospital for bit! as her breathing so bad and the amount of pain she is in! the pain is from the anerysum she calls it 'pressure' though we all know it code word for pain really she won't admit it! i don't deserve support! i not no--one caring for her or watching her die day in day out!

 

doctor put her back on morphine tabs as hospital when she was in took her off them as she wasn't in that much pain or discomfort at that stage it comes annd goes alot the condtions change within a day and night so feel like being yo yoed all time backwards and forwards!

 

dying and illness taking over the household and affecting us all really though we pretend it all fine! stressful and demanding plus we look after my neice their grandaughter pick her from nursery tues - weds 12.30 until 5pm so very busy home life never stands still you get used to it don't know whether that good or bad! i cry myself to sleep wishing i could change it do something to make this stop from being real! even though i know i can i like to be in control but know i won't get it in this situation! the heartache continues on my mums breaking and so my family!

 

who could i talk to though? at a hospice? cause my nan doesn't go to hospice to have any help and support from there just social services!

[smiley1590]

it's emotionally draining and pulling everyone down all time having this hanging over our heads!it all nightmare wish we would wake up from a have 'normal' family life we never had! will it get better because when she goes a new whole nightmare will start over when will this ever settled down?! our whole life is around illnesses and dying and that scary thought! i don't want to sound selfish it breaking me down to but hide it like my mum does!

 

i grown up with illnesses and dying! what people in general don't realise that it not JUST the sufferer that suffers and hurts in pain but people caring and around them also affected by this! i don't EVER want to smoke cigarettes taught me harsh lesson as didn't realise how it can kill you and cost you your life! it's not worth an addiction though i know how hard it can be to break free! i just wish that no-one has to go through this over and over! my nan didn't know the effects of smoking cigarettes as much do to today as could saved her from life of being cared for and housebound! robbed her of her freedom!

 

my cousins,brother,neice has been put off smoking by seeing true effects it has on people! -reality cold but true!

[Karen A]

we'll be fine strong family network doctor been out to see my nan today mum thought she have to call and amubulance and my nan would have to go into hospital for bit! as her breathing so bad and the amount of pain she is in! the pain is from the anerysum she calls it 'pressure' though we all know it code word for pain really she won't admit it! i don't deserve support! i not no--one caring for her or watching her die day in day out!

 

<'> <'> <'> <'> Smiley you do deserve support.Having someone in the family that is very ill effects everyone.You are important even if you are not doing the same things your mum is.The fact that your mum is spending so much time and effort caring for nan is bound to be difficult for you and the fact that a person you care about is ill is very stressful and sad.Karen.

 

[smiley1590]

thanks karen A yeah being honest it does affect everyone involved! it is difficult situation to handle and bear is stressful and bad!XX

[Mandapanda]

Hi smiley1590

 

So sorry to hear things are still going badly.

 

Personally I think sometimes when someone is very ill, the people around them are badly affected because we feel so unable to help or have any control over what is happening.

 

I really feel for you.

 

When my mother-in-law had to go into a care home she was very happy there and enjoyed the company. We were very fortunate, and it made her last couple of years better for her and us.

 

I am thinking of you and sending you big hugs <'> <'> <'>

[smiley1590]

thanks for kindness love and care shown throughout these posts it amazing cheers guys! my mum like me she likes to have control over what happening when hasn't she gets stressed worked up annoyed angry etc just scared upsh my whole family 'over the edge' fast like being on emtional rollercoaster everyday! doesn't help mine or mum's depression or anxiety one bit but can't change it and that's hard bit to swallow and 'just accept' asn one on those things part of life! life is unfair and cruel and i realise nothing or no-one can't stop this feel so weak and powerless! it awful to watch day in day out! i wish could take her 'pain' away she breaks down to my mum and tells my mum she lonely my mum swallows hard to fight back tears and emotions she feeling right then! my mum always been that way!

 

same when my grandad was dying and terminally ill! she been carer for years now! and starting to have massive effect on everything my mum does etc!my nan now got panic button incase she can't speak to ring someone as she gets out of breath easily! due to COPD! my mum smoking more due to high stress levels but making me stressed as don't want this nightmare to happen twice within one family that would be doubly mad and crazy i'm losing my nan to these terminal illnesses CAN'T lose my mum too she got to STOP NOW before too late like it was for my nan too far gone to get treatment for it!

 

my mum seems mentally/emotionally stable then wobbles but don't know how long she manage to keep this up before she literally explodes head everything! leading to mental breakdown we have tried to explain that if she 'not well' in herself she won't be able to look after her mum my nan! so she needs be the best she can healthy wise to still help and support her! the strain is getting too much i can tell!

 

XK

[smiley1590]

my nans not great at all today mum saids she blue,purple and yellowy colour her skin is we think the aorta growing SO BIG NOW that pushing on organs and shutting down oxygen and blood aren't circulating where they NEED too to live! we DON'T REALLY sleep at night waiting for phone call in middle night cause pressed her panic button and emergency! my nan's hallunating lots cause she on morphine meds-tabs and liquid in bottle! she rocking she in so much pain and discomfort!

 

see what tommorrow brings for US!

Kirst-LouX

[Karen A]

my nans not great at all today mum saids she blue,purple and yellowy colour her skin is we think the aorta growing SO BIG NOW that pushing on organs and shutting down oxygen and blood aren't circulating where they NEED too to live! we DON'T REALLY sleep at night waiting for phone call in middle night cause pressed her panic button and emergency! my nan's hallunating lots cause she on morphine meds-tabs and liquid in bottle! she rocking she in so much pain and discomfort!

 

see what tommorrow brings for US!

Kirst-LouX

 

<'> <'> <'> <'> Have you got any support with nan ?

Marie Curie sitters are very good.They helped me a lot when my mum was ill.The GP may be able to do a referal.

I am thinking of you all.I still remember those times.The nights are tough and I know it feels like there is so little you can do. Karen.