Do you have time to give parties,for network and other friends?

[edith simon]

Dear all,

I am just thinking and thinking and thought maybe better to ask other people that having an autistic child how affects your friendships ,official parties from workplace etc.

Our son is 23 autism+sld and two other sons.

At the time he was diagnosied the "friends" acquantances just slowly but surely started to disappear.

I am just wondering whether it is just our fault ....maybe we are not very sociable or have no time or other people are not really want to get involved with a family like us.

I feel our family very lonely and the other 2 sons too as they have not had the usual opportunities for sleepovers,parties etc as even at younger age schoolmates discoverde that their brother has got problems with speech,behaviour etc.

My husband just lost his job after 25 years with one firm and I just realized that we have no circle of friends or "network" life who would try to help or be interested in us at all.

Can you please write how,parties,going out together with other families where there is no diability or how you have time for friends or how you have common interests with your friends.

Answer,please.

thanks

Edith

[chris54]

Its the same for us. We know people but this idea of support network or circle of friends is something that doesn't exist.

 

Don't have any answers.

[loulou]

Hi,

 

It's the same for us too. I have a 10 year old with ASD/ADHD and also a 2yr old and a 5 month old baby. The only time i get to go out is to school review appointments, to the supermarket and the occasional hair cut! How sad is that?

 

I have a small group of friends who are understanding, but i can never socialise with them when Kai is home (he's at residential school now). Over the years my group of friends has dwindled dramatically. I expect they got fed up with asking me to go out and me always saying no (because of Kai).

 

I never go on work "dos" either as baby sitting would be out of the question.

 

To be honest, i've got used to my life being like this now and i'm ok with it. I do worry about how it will affect my little ones as they get older though.

 

Do you get any respite? Now my son's at residential school, i can begin to do more "normal" things when he's at school. That makes me feel guilty, but i know he's in a great school and he's doing some really exciting activities that he could never do at home.

 

Take care,

 

Loulou xx

 

 

[joybed]

I have 1 great friend who i have known for 18 years. She has 2 children aged 8 and 5 and she is a lifeline always there with unlimited support and friendship as i am for her. We don,t meet up as much as we used to but we both try to have fridays off so we can meet for a coffee but realistically only manage about once every six weeks. My family don,t really understand and it causes too much hassle to be around them so most of the time i don,t bother.

DH and i never go as a couple as it is too hard to get babysitters who can cope with the boys behaviours and we have no family that can help or we would want to help.

Work dos I never go on for the same reasons. i went to see Take That a few weeks ago and it took so much planning and reshuffling it was a major ordeal (but worth it). If we go out we take the kids with us but that is very stressful too but we all kind of enjoy it most of the time. We have had to develop very broad shoulders and not care what others think but at times you just want the ground to open up.

I suppose work is my sanctuary giving me a place to be myself and most of my colleages are really supportive and we still manage to have a bit of a laugh.

[Sally44]

Yes it was the same for me as a child. I have a sister with learning difficulties. Our family and us children were usually missed off anyone's social list.

Sometimes a family with a child with special needs can become introverted because of the time and other activities you do with that particular child. I know another mother who has a Downs Syndrome child and she is off to clubs/therapies 24/7, so there isn't really room for anything/anyone else.

But I also feel that other families avoid or drift away.

Now I have a son with autism. TBH, the children he knew from his previous school have been quite good ie. if we see them in our village they will ask their mums of my son can come over and we usually end up giving them our telephone number. But then the call just never comes. Maybe the parents are worried about what having myu son voer might involve.

I am quite solitary anyone. My husband really misses the social interaction, especially as he is Greek. They spend most of their lives socialising, so it hits him quite hard. He spends alot of his time at his allotment and he socialises with the other people up there. But that is about it.

[frogslegs]

I don't have many friends but I value the few that I have. I think I have become boring because I can't do light conversation anymore as there is ALWAYS something going on in my life that is a pain. At times I get so depressed that I am socially 'out of bound' and I feel that gradually my sense of humour has taken a serious dent! My husband does not drink, smoke or like sport so he feels he has nothing in common with most other men.

On the whole I prefer to socialise with people who either do not have children or who have children who are not the same age as mine because otherwise there is just too much competition between parents. So I have friends who are in their 70's and others who are in their 30's. We meet once a month for a meal or an outing.

I have recently joined an ASD support group and I really like some of the people there and the fact that we share similar circumstances helps.

 

[cmuir]

Hi

 

I've found that every aspect of my life revolves around my son. When I do socialise on the odd occasion, all I talk about is my son. I suspect I'm boring to others. Fact is that my life is unconventional in a lot of ways and my son is all consuming and most of the time I'm really tired, so that probably makes me boring too. I've accepted that that's how things are and occasionally it does bother me. I have very few friends, but no 'best friend' as such. I suspect I probably put shutters down in order to protect me and my family (my son mainly) because people who don't have a child with an ASD, although they may be sympathetic, can be judgemental, cruel, etc (inadvertently or otherwise).

 

So I guess in answer to your question, socialising, etc is difficult. I tend to keep people at arms length, but obviously do try to allow my son the chance to mix with others too.

 

Best wishes.

 

Caroline.

[MelowMeldrew]

Hi

 

I've found that every aspect of my life revolves around my son. When I do socialise on the odd occasion, all I talk about is my son. I suspect I'm boring to others. Fact is that my life is unconventional in a lot of ways and my son is all consuming and most of the time I'm really tired, so that probably makes me boring too. I've accepted that that's how things are and occasionally it does bother me. I have very few friends, but no 'best friend' as such. I suspect I probably put shutters down in order to protect me and my family (my son mainly) because people who don't have a child with an ASD, although they may be sympathetic, can be judgemental, cruel, etc (inadvertently or otherwise).

 

So I guess in answer to your question, socialising, etc is difficult. I tend to keep people at arms length, but obviously do try to allow my son the chance to mix with others too.

 

Best wishes.

 

Caroline.

 

 

Ditto, our whole time revolves around our son's needs, so there is little or no time for anyone else. Our social life has folded, and our son doesn't want to be involved with anyone else either so disrupts at every turn. We used to invite friends and family to visit, he'd get upset and start telling them to go home, and keep telling them, if that failed his behaviour would detriorate rapidly and force the issue. We are not indulging him, or poor behaviour ! he really seems to suffer if there is a lot of people or things going on, he can't cope with it. I questioned he was attention-seeking, the consensus is he isn't.

[Mandapanda]

Over time our friends drifted away. They didn't understand and, to be honest, I found it difficult to talk about anything except our difficulties and I got fed up with 'moaning' so didn't bother seeing friends. We also had elderly parents to help, and work, so haven't had time or energy to socialise. Friends that deserted us obviously were not as good friends as we thought.

 

I have a few really good work friends now and we've started going out which is great. My eldest son is doing really well at the moment, and my youngest, although not attending school, is stable in mood and behaviour. I am on antidepressants which really help, and I can now face getting ready and planning etc involved in socialising. This has only happened in last couple of months though!

 

I go to a slimming class now and last time I went I plucked up the courage to speak to two ladies there. I doubt we'll become bessie mates but I felt really good that I had spoken to them. Little steps like this can really boost your confidence.

 

I don't think not having sleepovers etc will have done your kids any long term harm, many children don't for different reasons.

 

I have wondered many times if we are indeed 'a bit' AS ourselves as it is easy to stay in and do stuff rather than go out, but before children we were sociable, so it must just be the time and energy we have to expend in looking after them, working etc, that leaves nothing for anyone/anything else.

 

Don't be hard on yourself. Bringing up your children is the most important job there is and I can never see that as 'wasting time', whereas having a drink with a friend may be emotionally beneficial and should be done if you can manage it, but it will not have the lasting effect you are having on your children.

 

Your husband losing his job will probably affect both of you deeply, as 25 years is a very long time, and you may feel 'let down' by the company. It is easy to take redundancy personally, even though it is just about numbers on paper and not about you as a person or worker. You could visit your doctor and explain the situation, so they are aware of the extra stress you are under at present, and see what they suggest. There also may be extra benefits you can claim now, Citizens Advice should help with this.