Set-back in independence training

[oxgirl]

All of the training I've been doing with Jay over the last year has gone pretty well and he'd been increasing in confidence with no real set-backs ......... until yesterday.

 

I've been building him up to walking home from town on his own, it's about a 20 minute walk. Yesterday, we parted at a point about halfway and I gave him my keys to let himself in and off we trotted. I walked on a bit and just turned back to watch him for a minute as he was walking past a guy and noticed that the guy was turned round to watch him and Jay had disappeared round the corner. I was a bit surprised to see that he'd gotten out of view so quickly, and I noted that the guy was watching after him, but I saw the guy turn back and walk on his way, so didn't think much of it. When I got home Jay was in the house (first time he's let himself into the house on his own, btw ) and he was all shaken up. He said the guy had seemed like he was on drugs and he'd seen the bag he was carrying and had tried to strike up a conversation with him about it but Jay had got very scared and just turned and run away and it's really knocked his confidence.

 

Now, I don't know what the bloke was thinking really, but it's more the fact that Jay is so unable to read other people and their intentions and it just threw him so completely that this bloke had said something to him, whatever his motives might have been. He might have been totally innocent but I don't know that and it got me quite worried really.

 

He's just so vulnerable, I guess, he hasn't the tools to know how to handle himself if a situation arises, he doesn't know what to do. The fact that he just ran off is quite worrying too, I think it's the worst thing he could do. He has such a strange gait anyway, and darting off like a startled rabbit could just be a red rag to a bull for any yobs to chase him or something, it draws attention to himself and makes him look very odd. Not sure how to talk to him about how to try to handle himself and don't want to scare him anymore by detailing what 'could' happen, he'll take that as fact and it could really put him back and knock his progress right back.

 

It really scares me to think of what could happen to him out there on his own. Up until now, he hasn't had any problems, no-one has bothered him or hassled him and I'm worried that he won't want to continue with his training. Just wanted to vent really. DH seems unconcerned, just thinks he has to do it and isn't bothered or worried at all and is trying to make out like I'm worrying too much or over-reacting.

 

~ Mel ~

[Maria-Alex]

Aww bless, that would terrify anyone, I think I would have legged it also.

It was probably the wrong place at the wrong time situation.

[pearl]

<'> I do feel for you, we've been there. When JP was robbed, horrible & distressing as it was, we used it as a teaching tool - outlined possible scenarios & how he could react. You can't cover every eventuality, though.

 

Thing is, both your lad & JP 'got away' with it to some extent - nothing actually happened to Jay, & although JP was robbed he wasn't beaten up or threatened - just bamboozled with charm, basically. So we regarded it as a 'lucky escape' & tried to use it in a positive way.

 

He still gets nightmares though, 18 months on.

 

Hope Jay soon gets his confidence back - you are both doing so well.

[oxgirl]

Aww bless, that would terrify anyone, I think I would have legged it also.

It was probably the wrong place at the wrong time situation.

 

Thanks Maria-Alex, it was just really unlucky I happened to leave him at that moment.

 

~ Mel ~

[oxgirl]

<'> I do feel for you, we've been there. When JP was robbed, horrible & distressing as it was, we used it as a teaching tool - outlined possible scenarios & how he could react. You can't cover every eventuality, though.

 

Thing is, both your lad & JP 'got away' with it to some extent - nothing actually happened to Jay, & although JP was robbed he wasn't beaten up or threatened - just bamboozled with charm, basically. So we regarded it as a 'lucky escape' & tried to use it in a positive way.

 

He still gets nightmares though, 18 months on.

 

Hope Jay soon gets his confidence back - you are both doing so well.

 

Thanks Pearl, I know you understand this. <'> I'm not surprised JP is still having nightmares about it, that would knock anyone's confidence but for someone more vulnerable like our lads it's bound to have a profound affect. The thing is with Jay is that he just doesn't have experience with people really. He walks around school in his little bubble not really noticing how people interract and not being affected by it. He doesn't really trust people, he says he doesn't know what they'll do, so he avoids them I suppose. To have his worst fears realized and someone to scare him like that, it just worries me that he's going to be expecting it from all angles now and is going to become fearful of everyone and think that everyone is a potential threat to him and is out to 'get' him. His growing confidence just seems like such a fragile thing that it can be shattered at this vital stage and he could become fearful of everything around him.

 

How did JP recover his confidence to get out there again and trust people around him??

 

~ Mel ~

[pearl]

He didn't have much choice, really, Mel - he's working full time & has to get to work on his own, so just had to get on with it. He talked about it obsessively for a very long time, & we just listened really & let him get it off his chest. I also told him about other people we'd read about who'd been scammed, as he felt so stupid, & it helped him to know that others had been conned. We emphasised that he was a kind helpful person, not a stupid idiot, so that when someone approached him 'asking for help' it was his natural response to do what he could.

 

He also visualised the guy when punching his punchbag & got rid of a lot of stress there.

 

What I have noticed is that he is much 'cannier' these days - less innocent, I suppose. He does attract weirdos, but these days he usually recognises that they are weirdos & gives them a wide berth

 

Its a slightly different scenario from yours, I know, but the using it as a 'teaching tool' applies across the board, I think, as does the letting them express their concerns etc.

[oxgirl]

He didn't have much choice, really, Mel - he's working full time & has to get to work on his own, so just had to get on with it. He talked about it obsessively for a very long time, & we just listened really & let him get it off his chest. I also told him about other people we'd read about who'd been scammed, as he felt so stupid, & it helped him to know that others had been conned. We emphasised that he was a kind helpful person, not a stupid idiot, so that when someone approached him 'asking for help' it was his natural response to do what he could.

 

He also visualised the guy when punching his punchbag & got rid of a lot of stress there.

 

What I have noticed is that he is much 'cannier' these days - less innocent, I suppose. He does attract weirdos, but these days he usually recognises that they are weirdos & gives them a wide berth

 

Its a slightly different scenario from yours, I know, but the using it as a 'teaching tool' applies across the board, I think, as does the letting them express their concerns etc.

 

It sounds like JP was able to find it in himself to become stronger and more resilient and that's really encouraging. I guess it can go either way, it can make you stronger or it can break you and I'm worried that Jay will just go to pieces if faced with anything like this again, or anything worse. He says he thought the man might mug him but it's his total inability to read a person and predict what they might do that is his downfall really. DH made me angry he just wanted to brush it off and was very flippant, insisting that the bloke was 'just being friendly'! I think that's either him being very naive or him just not wanting to deal with it or face the dangers that are out there for Jay, leaving me to deal with it as usual.

 

~ Mel ~

[trekster]

Hello

 

Oops didn't notice he was a secondary school kid but will leave the school train part in.

 

Agreed we are vulnerable and in a sense some of the verbal autistics can be more vulnerable due to our naivety.

Is there someone else walking home that way from your school that could walk with him?

 

In some areas of the country a walk to school program is in operation, (i think its called a school 'train')

 

1, a parent starts at one end of town and walks to the 1st house and calls for the 2nd kid

2, then they move onto the next house and child

3, there are also some other parent volunteers that walk with the child

4, the end point is the school.

 

At secondary school level, there should be a few kids from the train that he could walk with to school.

 

Being a concerned parent isn't over reacting. When i was at school my aspergers wasn't recognised

i had to cross a busy road to get home from my primary school and i had a subway from my secondary school.

This was the late 80s early 90s but i was scared of the dark and had no one to walk home with from secondary

school.

 

i dont wish to scare you anymore than you already are and im sorry in advance if this upsets you

i was attacked outside my secondary school on my way home one day no charges were ever made

against the perpetrator and they went to the same school at me. He then attacked another lass a few years

later something i felt guilty about when i heard what happened.

 

Autistics are more vulnerable to bullying and teasing and i also have the asperger walk. i have insoles in my shoes

as it hurts to walk and can only cope with trainers due to sensory issues on my feet. It literally hurts to walk and this

wasn't recognised until i had developed fibromyalgia at age 14 (diagnosed 14 years later)

 

If you can team up with another parent walking the same way or ask at your local autism group. PM me with your

location before friday and i will see if i can find a NAS one in your area you could ask.

Good luck

 

Alexis

Edited October 11, 2009 by trekster

[trekster]

It sounds like JP was able to find it in himself to become stronger and more resilient and that's really encouraging. I guess it can go either way, it can make you stronger or it can break you and I'm worried that Jay will just go to pieces if faced with anything like this again, or anything worse. He says he thought the man might mug him but it's his total inability to read a person and predict what they might do that is his downfall really. DH made me angry he just wanted to brush it off and was very flippant, insisting that the bloke was 'just being friendly'! I think that's either him being very naive or him just not wanting to deal with it or face the dangers that are out there for Jay, leaving me to deal with it as usual.

 

~ Mel ~

 

Sounds like your hubby could be autistic as well?

 

Could you see if any other kid in the ASD unit could walk home with your son? Strength in numbers.

 

Alexis

[oxgirl]

Hello

 

Oops didn't notice he was a secondary school kid but will leave the school train part in.

 

Agreed we are vulnerable and in a sense some of the verbal autistics can be more vulnerable due to our naivety.

Is there someone else walking home that way from your school that could walk with him?

 

In some areas of the country a walk to school program is in operation, (i think its called a school 'train')

 

1, a parent starts at one end of town and walks to the 1st house and calls for the 2nd kid

2, then they move onto the next house and child

3, there are also some other parent volunteers that walk with the child

4, the end point is the school.

 

At secondary school level, there should be a few kids from the train that he could walk with to school.

 

Being a concerned parent isn't over reacting. When i was at school my aspergers wasn't recognised

i had to cross a busy road to get home from my primary school and i had a subway from my secondary school.

This was the late 80s early 90s but i was scared of the dark and had no one to walk home with from secondary

school.

 

i dont wish to scare you anymore than you already are and im sorry in advance if this upsets you

i was attacked outside my secondary school on my way home one day no charges were ever made

against the perpetrator and they went to the same school at me. He then attacked another lass a few years

later something i felt guilty about when i heard what happened.

 

Autistics are more vulnerable to bullying and teasing and i also have the asperger walk. i have insoles in my shoes

as it hurts to walk and can only cope with trainers due to sensory issues on my feet. It literally hurts to walk and this

wasn't recognised until i had developed fibromyalgia at age 14 (diagnosed 14 years later)

 

If you can team up with another parent walking the same way or ask at your local autism group. PM me with your

location before friday and i will see if i can find a NAS one in your area you could ask.

Good luck

 

Alexis

 

Thanks Alexis, but my lad is nearly 16 and his school is 14 miles away. He goes in a taxi and hasn't any friends there anyway. It's when we take a stroll to town from our house to the library that I'm doing the training with him, so that one day he can walk into town on his own one Saturday. We'll get there, I'm sure.

Sorry to hear you were attacked, that must have been awful for you. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[trekster]

Mel

 

Could you possibly invest in some sort of personal attack alarm? Then teach him how and when to use it. My naivety caused me to be attacked.

 

Alexis

[Sally44]

It sounds like JP was able to find it in himself to become stronger and more resilient and that's really encouraging. I guess it can go either way, it can make you stronger or it can break you and I'm worried that Jay will just go to pieces if faced with anything like this again, or anything worse. He says he thought the man might mug him but it's his total inability to read a person and predict what they might do that is his downfall really. DH made me angry he just wanted to brush it off and was very flippant, insisting that the bloke was 'just being friendly'! I think that's either him being very naive or him just not wanting to deal with it or face the dangers that are out there for Jay, leaving me to deal with it as usual.

 

~ Mel ~

 

At least he was aware of potential danger and that he 'might be mugged'. He may have misread the situation, or he could have been spot on. To be honest, his turning and running was probably so unexpected that it worked. I don't know how you can teach these life skills. My own son does not get voice tone, language, etc so would find it impossible to pick up any warning signs. But these things also happen to 'NTs' everyday, so they also are not getting the clues. And when dealing with strangers, running off, might be the best policy. I don't have any advice really. It is a situation all parents have to go through, but with someone who is vulnerable it is harder and scarier.

[Karen A]

Hi Oxgirl.

I wanted to let you know that you are not alone in being concerned.I just noticed your thread.

Ben had had travel training during the summer holidays.We were planning that he might start travelling independently some time soon.

Unfortunately we have now realised that we do not currently feel very safe ourselves or for our elder son who is 13.

I am not even able to consider allowing Ben to go anywhere alone.I know that he would not have any ability to manage if a stranger approached him.He also has a manner that would make him vulnerable and he certainly cannot run.

I have no idea how to resolve the situation either.I had to explain to the travel trainer that although in theory Ben could cope in practice I feel he is too vulnreable.

Karen.