At my wit's end

[kazjam]

I have just got an aspergers diagnosis for my son. In one way I feel good as I have something concrete now and it feels much easier to actually know and understand but on the other hand I feel sad that my child has to have this condition.

 

We have been through a couple of years of hell.....he was bullied horrendously at his last school and they never dealt with it but instead took a hard line attitude to my son and suspended him for 5 months.......in this time he was at home with his 70 yr old grandma getting no education. I fought to get him back to school but in the end he had to leave. He is now in a much more caring school but even at this school he is being bullied.....I saw a couple of kids sneering at him last week when I went to the school play. It breaks my heart but he deals with it himself and bottles it up and won't talk.....I think I only can guess at one half of what he is going through.

 

He still explodes at home but now I can deal with it better as I know what is happening. But the other day he had another outburst while we were out and my husband intervened.....my son was kicking and lashing out at me and my husband pulled him off me to stop it. A man who only saw the end of this took my number plate and next thing had reported my husband to the NSPCC and we end up with the police at our door. Luckily we explained about the aspergers and my son admitted what had really happened. But I am just sick....it is one thing after another. I wish it had been my son kicking this guys wife and seen if he would have then called up the nspcc. I feel like he is a do gooder and doesn't know one half about living with a child like this.....I wish he had come up to us in the street and tackled me not just bring more problems to my door.

 

I wonder where it will all end. Will my son manage to keep his place at the new school, will he be able to control his outbursts with help, will I even have a proper relationship with him as he has no emotions so it is so hard, will he ever make a friend who he can invite home like other kids, what will his children be like...I feel so sad for him and completely worn out myself.

 

I am finding this whole aspergers thing so difficult how ever hard I try.

[Paula]

<'> <'>

 

 

How olds youre son.........

 

I ask because my son is comeing up to 16 .........hes got moderate learning difficulties and aspergers syndrome and i wanted to offer you hope and let you know theres folks me included out there on this site that know exactly what its like bringing these kids up...weve all been there done it and got the t shirt.

 

 

Ive been in public mostly when my son was younger with him screaming blue murder,chucking himself on the floor,attacking me everybody looking on no one offering help as i tackled him mainly to protect myslef as he tried to bite me or punch me his favourite was headbutting me...the sounds of tut tuttings and cant she controll that child ringing in me ears..............youd just want to die on the spot ..........id get home and break down in tears.Life was hell.

 

Thing is you think its never going to get any easier you cant see a time when things can be relativley normal but it does get easier.My son attends a special school,im lucky and so he hes attended one since he was the age of 6.he can read,write,hes done work experiance,hes been recently to France and is starting 2 weeks work experiance this month.He can travel on a bus alone.All the things i thought hed never acheive hes done.

 

 

His behaviour isnt perfect...........hes still an awkward stubborn customer who enjoys things his way,and prefers no change in routine............but unlike when he was younger hes more open to suggestion know he can see other people matter too and sometimes hes got to try to fit in even if its with a scowel on his face and a muttering under his breath.His temper tantrums are still around but there few and far between and he no longer takes it out on me he tends to take himslef of to his room hit the bed kick the door and get it out of his system.

 

 

 

I dont know what to suggest over youre son being bullied except this..............is he aware there bullying him......he may not be.............i often used to notice kids and teens laughing at my son when we were out and about but he didnt it was a wasted effort on there part coz he just didnt notice that type of thing so i tried to think whoes it bothering me or him......answer was normally me and though it was still upsetting id to think well if hes not noticeing then they can snear all they want coz its getting them no where.

 

 

 

My sons worse years for his behaviour and aspie ness were between the ages of 3 and 10 then sudenly things clicked at bit and he joined the human race..............hes far exceeded our expectations..............Youre son will too and life does get easier.

[Paula]

<'> <'>

 

 

How olds youre son.........

 

I ask because my son is comeing up to 16 .........hes got moderate learning difficulties and aspergers syndrome and i wanted to offer you hope and let you know theres folks me included out there on this site that know exactly what its like bringing these kids up...weve all been there done it and got the t shirt.

 

 

Ive been in public mostly when my son was younger with him screaming blue murder,chucking himself on the floor,attacking me everybody looking on no one offering help as i tackled him mainly to protect myslef as he tried to bite me or punch me his favourite was headbutting me...the sounds of tut tuttings and cant she controll that child ringing in me ears..............youd just want to die on the spot ..........id get home and break down in tears.Life was hell.

 

Thing is you think its never going to get any easier you cant see a time when things can be relativley normal but it does get easier.My son attends a special school,im lucky and so he hes attended one since he was the age of 6.he can read,write,hes done work experiance,hes been recently to France and is starting 2 weeks work experiance this month.He can travel on a bus alone.All the things i thought hed never acheive hes done.

 

 

His behaviour isnt perfect...........hes still an awkward stubborn customer who enjoys things his way,and prefers no change in routine............but unlike when he was younger hes more open to suggestion know he can see other people matter too and sometimes hes got to try to fit in even if its with a scowel on his face and a muttering under his breath.His temper tantrums are still around but there few and far between and he no longer takes it out on me he tends to take himslef of to his room hit the bed kick the door and get it out of his system.

 

 

 

I dont know what to suggest over youre son being bullied except this..............is he aware there bullying him......he may not be.............i often used to notice kids and teens laughing at my son when we were out and about but he didnt it was a wasted effort on there part coz he just didnt notice that type of thing so i tried to think whoes it bothering me or him......answer was normally me and though it was still upsetting id to think well if hes not noticeing then they can snear all they want coz its getting them no where.

 

 

 

My sons worse years for his behaviour and aspie ness were between the ages of 3 and 10 then sudenly things clicked at bit and he joined the human race..............hes far exceeded our expectations..............Youre son will too and life does get easier.

[kazjam]

Thank you so much Paula....you make me feel so much better

 

Mostly I am ok ...especially now I know for sure what is wrong....and I know what I should be doing.

 

It's just those times which we all have every so often when it all gets a bit much and you start to wonder where it will all end. I've lost count of the times I've thought it would be easier if I lived on my own , in the middle of nowhere, just me , my cat and a mountain of good books!!

 

Then I have a really good day with my son and everything shifts back into focus for me again. I love him to bits but find it hard when I'm fighting so many battles for him.

 

My son is nearly 13 yrs old now. Really things are looking up......the new school is commited to him and wants to keep him. There have been a couple of incidents but they have dealt with them well and been very firm with the bullies.....this has been great and I'm sure it's why there have been so few incidents at this school than the last....where I used to get phone calls every day.

 

Its good to hear that you've had the same experiences with other parents thinking you were useless....even my own family used to say "bad parenting" to me!

 

It seems to me that very few people actually recognise the symptons of aspergers.....considering that schools must surely see this quite a lot it has staggered me that the teachers have not picked up on it ...or maybe they just have so many different conditions and temperaments to look out for it can all become too much!

 

Anyhow...thanks for cheering me up....I feel a lot better about things now.

[Sally44]

I think it would be useful for you to learn about the Special Educational Needs (SEN) process. If you contact the National Autistic Society and get the details of your local group, you can contact them and ask them when they are next running a day seminar about the SEN process. This is useful because it teaches you what school can and should do. And it is not all just academic stuff. A child can have an SEN if they have difficulties with social use of language, making friends, life skills etc.

Has your son been assessed in school or at home by a Speech and Language Therapist or an Educational Psychologist because school asked them for their input? Or did he receive his diagnosis via the GP/Paediatrician. Or were both health and education involved?

There is alot that schools can do with help from outside professionals.

The only way to secure any professional input and make it legally binding is through a Statement. For that you need evidence that your child has complex needs. The school or you can ask the LEA for an Assessment towards a Statement. That would mean that certain professionals (you would need to ask the LEA which ones), would observe and assess your son. But this may have been done recently as part of his receiving a diagnosis.

[Sally44]

Try not to take it personal about the man who phoned the NSPCC. In a different circumstance it might have been the right call to make. It is just unfortunate that our childrens difficulties are 'invisible' and therefore we are sometimes at the receiving end of judgemental looks or comments. I've only once used the sentence 'I'm sorry about this but my son is autistic', but it did work. At the time he was having a full blown tantrum and lying and screaming on the floor because the supermarket cafe had changed the name of 'chicken nuggets' to 'chicken chunks'. The queue of people I was in were very understanding then, and the employee said to me 'you've no need to apologise'. Well I didn't, but it was at a stage where I felt I had to say something to explain my families bizarre behaviour! But it is much harder when you are outside and people are watching from a distance.

 

Does your son have an IEP, or do you know at what stage of the SEN process he is at ie. School Action, School Action Plus etc.

[Paula]

 

My son could go years without appearing to make any progress what so ever youd think things were never going to change then all of a sudden everything would happen at once.............it would be like a light going on.

 

 

I used to think my son is like a sponge everything is going in there all the experiances ect and you be just got to know how to squeeze him then it all comes out...........not that im an expert on knowing how to squeeze him.

 

My son attends a thing a group for the duke of edingburgh awards thing every week for 2 houres and hes loveing that it gets him out gets him mingleing in in controlled circumstances............maybe youre son would enjoy something similar.......its realy built up my sons confidence...........

[JsMum]

 

 

I think it goes to show how efficiant the NSPCC is, a member of the public rang them and with a short space of time the police went to investigate the incident, I think in some ways that commendable, and I think the experience also gives you added weight just what you are having to deal with a child with challenging behaviour that leads to violence that even members of the public are shocked by, so from an outsider I think that NSPCC did an amazing Job because this could of been a situation where there was real child abuse situation, it is so hard for members of the public to get involved with families where they are worried about a child, from his point of view he saw a situation that needed reporting so please see this from his point of view too, it is evident there is more support required for your son and that the services from all the services have to pull together more, so health, mental health, education and social services.

 

I think your at your wits end because basically your not getting enough support, your husband and you are doing your best but at times your not safe and so he requires restraining, I would really urge you to request an assessment of his needs.

 

But I think the man acted in the best interests of your child.

 

JsMumxxxx