Son(NT)refusing to see his father

[justine1]

Hi

My husband and I separated last year Feb,he saw our boys every weekend and then, without explaing to much as I have told the story before,he was not allowed to see the kids because of a social services investigation this lasted about 6 months.Anyway my eldest son Josh (NT) said from the day we left that he does not wan to see his dad,I thought maybe he thought he had to take sides and as he was only 7 1/2 decided he should see him regardless,since Jan this year he comes to see them every second weekend and Josh comes back crying everytime,he gets so upset he gets asthma attacks this onlt happens when he sees his dad.The main issue is my ex's dislike of my family,I have posted this on the Beyond adolesence thread,my children dont want to tell him when my brother or father have been to my house and he almost forces out of them ,the younger to openly tell him,but feel they have to say that they are not happy when my family come because they know he does not like them,my eldest tries to defend them and this is why he gets angry with him.Today my father and brother came to visit,while they were here SAM (AS) said he wants to spend christmas at my brothers so we thought that is a good idea he mentioned it many times and seemed happy at the prospect of this.Then their dad came after my family left,when they were in the car Sam said my brother was FORCING us to come for christmas,which of course was untrue as Sam suggested it,so Josh began saying Sam is lying,and apparently my ex got so mad he said Josh is a coward and stupid for defending my brother,he said my family are racist and that my father said Josh has an ugly face,all of which are complete lies.He brought Josh and my youngest home and took the other two to sleep at his house which I thought was wrong and that has happened before.My three year old also said a few weeks back that my dad is not allowed in our house,and when he visited my brother he said daddy said I shouldnt visit you.I am really confused about what to do I dont want to get social services involved it wrecked our lives to be honest.my other two Sam and DAn love their dad so very much and talk about him alot,but Josh(9 yrs now) does not want to see him again and I want this to but need to if I can get this in writing must it be from a solicitor or what?

[Cat]

Hi

My husband and I separated last year Feb,he saw our boys every weekend and then, without explaing to much as I have told the story before,he was not allowed to see the kids because of a social services investigation this lasted about 6 months.Anyway my eldest son Josh (NT) said from the day we left that he does not wan to see his dad,I thought maybe he thought he had to take sides and as he was only 7 1/2 decided he should see him regardless,since Jan this year he comes to see them every second weekend and Josh comes back crying everytime,he gets so upset he gets asthma attacks this onlt happens when he sees his dad.The main issue is my ex's dislike of my family,I have posted this on the Beyond adolesence thread,my children dont want to tell him when my brother or father have been to my house and he almost forces out of them ,the younger to openly tell him,but feel they have to say that they are not happy when my family come because they know he does not like them,my eldest tries to defend them and this is why he gets angry with him.Today my father and brother came to visit,while they were here SAM (AS) said he wants to spend christmas at my brothers so we thought that is a good idea he mentioned it many times and seemed happy at the prospect of this.Then their dad came after my family left,when they were in the car Sam said my brother was FORCING us to come for christmas,which of course was untrue as Sam suggested it,so Josh began saying Sam is lying,and apparently my ex got so mad he said Josh is a coward and stupid for defending my brother,he said my family are racist and that my father said Josh has an ugly face,all of which are complete lies.He brought Josh and my youngest home and took the other two to sleep at his house which I thought was wrong and that has happened before.My three year old also said a few weeks back that my dad is not allowed in our house,and when he visited my brother he said daddy said I shouldnt visit you.I am really confused about what to do I dont want to get social services involved it wrecked our lives to be honest.my other two Sam and DAn love their dad so very much and talk about him alot,but Josh(9 yrs now) does not want to see him again and I want this to but need to if I can get this in writing must it be from a solicitor or what?

 

I think that you will find that what you ex is doing to your boys could be classed as emotional abuse and would be treated very seriously. I would certainly have a word with a solicitor because you ex needs to be stopped from doing this to his kids. Emotional abuse is now taken very seriously and your ex needs to understand this.

 

Cat

[KezT]

Is the arrangement negotiated between the two of you or through a court order? If negotiated, you can change just by letting him know (by letter preferably) and he can agree/disagree/re-negotiate etc. If it is a court order you ought to see a solicitor to vary the order - even if ex would accept the change totally, he could use it against you later on

 

From a legal perspective, your role is to "encourage but not force" contact. 9 is pretty young to make up his own mind (in the eyes of the law) and any professionals involoved would expect you to be pretty firm in your encouragement. However, it is not too young to decide for himself as long as he really understands the implications of his decision. Equally, ex's nastyness about your family is totally unacceptable, and amounts to psychological abuse so any professionals involved would insist it stops if contact is to continue.

 

the most likely advice you will get is to try to arrange supervised contact - either at a childrens centre or with someone you trust at ex's house to ensure he does not say/do anything inappropriate and to reassure the children. SS don't need to be involved in a contact dispute (unless you want to make a complaint about abuse) - if it actually gets as far as going to court, the court may appoint a Guardian, who is usually an ex-social worker, but now works as an independant expert, to talk to your son and find out what the real issues are.

 

My advice would be to discuss this with your ex in the first instance. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with him, but if you can either get him to promise not to mention your family to the kids, or accept a short term change in contact, then encourage son to maybe write to dad instead for a while, that would solve the problem. If ex is either not willing to discuss it, or not willing to change, you should see a solicitor:( If it is a court order for conatct, you will have to see a solicitor anyway to change the contact.....

[justine1]

Is the arrangement negotiated between the two of you or through a court order? If negotiated, you can change just by letting him know (by letter preferably) and he can agree/disagree/re-negotiate etc. If it is a court order you ought to see a solicitor to vary the order - even if ex would accept the change totally, he could use it against you later on

 

From a legal perspective, your role is to "encourage but not force" contact. 9 is pretty young to make up his own mind (in the eyes of the law) and any professionals involoved would expect you to be pretty firm in your encouragement. However, it is not too young to decide for himself as long as he really understands the implications of his decision. Equally, ex's nastyness about your family is totally unacceptable, and amounts to psychological abuse so any professionals involved would insist it stops if contact is to continue.

 

the most likely advice you will get is to try to arrange supervised contact - either at a childrens centre or with someone you trust at ex's house to ensure he does not say/do anything inappropriate and to reassure the children. SS don't need to be involved in a contact dispute (unless you want to make a complaint about abuse) - if it actually gets as far as going to court, the court may appoint a Guardian, who is usually an ex-social worker, but now works as an independant expert, to talk to your son and find out what the real issues are.

 

My advice would be to discuss this with your ex in the first instance. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with him, but if you can either get him to promise not to mention your family to the kids, or accept a short term change in contact, then encourage son to maybe write to dad instead for a while, that would solve the problem. If ex is either not willing to discuss it, or not willing to change, you should see a solicitor:( If it is a court order for conatct, you will have to see a solicitor anyway to change the contact.....

 

Thank you so much this has helped loads!Although my son is 9 he has been saying he does not want to see his dad for 19 months now,which seems like he is adamant I really try encourage the relationship but with my ex constantly saying things like "he is stupid" its not making it any easier,also my son is extremely advanced intellictually an emotionally,all present and past teachers have said this,so he is about 13 in that sense.I have explained that to my son that if he does not see my ex for a month or so then he can still see him when he is ready,he seems happy with that idea.A few weeks ago his dad took him to the hospital to get some medication and he slept at his house when it was just the two of them all was well,but this happened even when we lived together he seemed to give more praise and attention to the other two and not my eldest and when he did spend one on one time with him it was great and my eldest was so very happy.I have not arranged visits through court we arranged it ourselves,we were thinking of getting back together but have now decided to get a divorce so thats when I will get the visits down in black and white,because although he comes every second weekend he comes when its convinient to him and not the kids.I will see him today and disscuss what has happened and give him one last chance (as I have already discussed these problems with him before and he denies making remarks about my family)if the children still say negative things about my family then I will go to the solicitor.Thank you very much!