The need for routine vs feeling trapped/restricted

[Jingo]

Hi all,

 

I've just read a couple of comments here regarding routines, timetables and such which made me decide to post one of the major conflicts i have and sources of frustration. I have two seperate issues -

 

1 - I have a need for routine and control. My need for routine isn't as strong as many and i can cope quite well in general, but i need to know ahead of time what is coming, what is expected, what order things will happen or need to be done. I struggle to make decisions without exact and full details and get frustrated when i lack that information or when others are either refusing or unable to give me the information i require or trying to "drip feed" me info. I also can't follow things well if i'm getting the information in the wrong order, i have to work in a linear fashion and struggle to store irelevent information until it's relevent. I will plan every single item i have to work on or complete or achieve or consider and ensure i know how long it may take, what may go wrong, what may effect these things and a whole bunch of other things, so can plan exactly what needs to be done when. I don't plan too far ahead, but i do know exactly what needs to be done and consistantly check against it so i know i'm in complete control. If someone cancels a meeting at the last minute or suddenly changes what they wanted without telling me it can cause me real upset and confusion as i have to reevaluate every single thing that needs to be done incase it is impacted.

 

2 - I hate to be commited. I feel like becuase of how I am, how i can struggle one day or hour and be fine the next and i'm never sure how well i will handle something or when i will have a problem, I don't want to comit to things or have expectations i have to meet. I want to be able to do what i want when i want it by my own decisions. I don't even want to make my own plan then tell anyone else about it, becuase even tho it's my plan i then feel restricted by it. For example I manage my department at work, my staff wanted to know when i would be in and when my holidays were. I was happy to give an indication (i'm planning to come in at some point over christmas) but i didn't want to comit to a specific day or number of days, i certainly didn't want them planning things on the basis that i would be in (they didn't NEED me to be there or i would have worked something out.

I think a large part of the reason i want to keep my options open is my struggle to make decisions without the full information. We don't know what will happen between now and when X needs to be done so there's no point saying when we're going to do it, other things will happen that we need to consider also. There's no need to comit now so we shouldn't, we should comit later when it is required and we will have more information. I understand that this theory is somewhat flawed as it doesn't allow others around me to plan out their own routines and directly conflicts with the fact that i want other people to comit so i can plan my own time. I always struggle to make decisions or decide which side of an argument i'm on due to my exceptional ability to see every single aspect of an issue and make a completely detatched and unbias assessment. Unfortunately this means i can agree and disagree with both sides and struggle to pick a side or make a decision. This makes me a great problem solver and (this may seem strange for someone with an ASD without explaination) a crisis manager which is what i've based my career on, but when it comes to making a decision with no clear right and wrong, i refuse to comit.

 

So that's the two issues and they contradict each other and cause me great confusion multiple times a day. Obviously the need for routine is an ASD trait, but i'm not sure about the feeling trapped by comitment and inability/refusal to make decisions. In many ways i see it as related due to my detatched over analysis and need for complete information in all situations, but i also wonder if that's just who I am as such, with AS causing the conflict with my need for routine. My overwhelming need for control is also a large factor in both of these i think (and everything else i do).

 

If anyone is aware of Myers Briggs, i am (as you would expect) hugely off the scale I and T but i score strongly for both J and P and have never really worked out if I am ISTJ or ISTP, basically meaning at the same time as needing routine, timetables and plans, i want to remain uncomited and go with the flow making last minute decisions. I feel like i WANT to be P (last minute decisions, juggling things and leaving things until they need to be done) but i NEED to be J (timetables, plan ahead, structure) especially when under pressure or busy, but then i feel trapped by these things. I usually say i'm ISTP as my preference is to work to P and myers brigs describes how people revert to oposite type when under stress.

 

Does anyone recognise any of this and/or have any ideas with dealing with it?

 

Thanks

[Meethoss]

Hi Jingo,

 

What line of work are you in? Reading this is almost exactly the same as what I could write myself. I disagree that it's strange that someone with ASD could be a good crisis manager, and that is from my own experience - I think of all possibilities and plan for those. You can limit uncertainty by doing this and that is how I manage most things in life; it's what makes me so damn good at my job!

 

I agree about needing full information on things, and I understand that it's difficult to commit when you don't have that. I also have this issue but have been forced to realise that sometimes you just have to make a decision - in that instance I would say it's safe to go with the option that is slightly winning out, and on the rare occasions that it's 50/50 seek the advice of others. If there is still no clear winner then make sure you document everything and either go with your gut feeling or get someone more senior to make the decision.

 

In terms of planning your time with your staff why don't you try working out a period when you are likely to be in under whatever circumstances you may be required and try to narrow it down as small as possible. You could then just relay this information to your team and say "if x happens I'll be in then, if y happens I'll be in at this time, and otherwise I'm on my mobile". I have two jobs, one in the office and another where I work from home - for consistency and to allow others to plan around my time I have set days that I go in. These can sometimes change depending on the needs of either job but usually they remain the same and it's been quite successful for the last few months (before that I was all over the place, had no routine and it was personally damaging - this year I'm trying to rectify that and get in to a good routine, it's working well so far).

 

The inability to make decisions without full information I guess I'd say is a side effect. At the end of the day you are who you are whether or not there is a label to describe your traits. For some people who've not had the necessary assistance to grow ASD is certainly disabling, but for others not - I do not consider AS for me to be a disability, but I just see it as a description of my personality. Either way I am me - I am appreciated for that by those who know I have it and those who don't. I appreciate it myself because it makes me very good at certain things, even though it makes me bad at others - but those failings (and EVERYONE has failings) are things that I will challenge myself with and will resolve over time

 

As for the last bit, no idea what you are talking about, sorry

[Jingo]

Hi Meethos,

 

I'm a payroll manager. my preference is to do project work, either on payroll process or implimentation projects. The fact i've been in this job 2 years is causing me some issues but that's for another time.

 

I assumed most would find the idea of crisis management strange, maybe not. The simplest way i explain how i do it to other people is that while they think i am managing a crisis, i'm not actually, becuase for me there's no crisis, just a series of problems to be analysed and solved within a slightly shorter than usual timeframe. I have a lot of crisis is my life and nothing work related will ever get close to "crisis" level or be as much of a challenge to figure out (or the blunt version, i don't care enough to panic about work matters).

 

I fully understand balancing everything out and going for the one that wins, regardless how slight. I do this all the time and it's my standard processing and decision making method. The issue is once i've analysed everything, i consider the information i don't have and consider that it would be best not to make a decision now, becuase in an hour/day/week i will have more info and be able to make a better decision. So the issue is that if i have to make a decision now i will do so, but if i don't i will put it off until the last moment. This is not always the best way to be and this is where my problem comes in.

 

I would appreciate some more feedback if anyone as the time? I'm not sure why people aren't responding so feel free to post just that, i'm happy to post more info, or maybe there's too much info? or maybe people don't regognise the problem, or should this be in the adult section maybe? Do i need to be a little politer and not so direct? Now i'm typing out my thoughts and making the post even longer, but yes if you're not responding becuase of X please let me know, even that info will help with my overall knowlege (ie i'd know if it's not something most people struggle with etc).

 

Thanks

 

oh god i sound like when i'm talking to someone and they aren't getting it and i keep talking and talking to try to make them understand...

[RudeBoy]

Hi,

 

I really don't have much to reply, except to say I can very much identify with the traits discussed. It isn't always bad