trying to confront family member

[matzoball]

i live with my mum and brother - my brother brought up a girl from wales who was only supposed to stay 3 days and now she has been here a month. i thought i could cope when my routine was distrupted just for three days but now it has been 4 weeks. i have been ousted from my own bed, i have nowhere to retreat to and i can't do anything i would normally do as part of my routine. i have been stressed and upset for weeks now and my brother doesn't seem to care even when i get angry - i even got so stressed my ankles and wrists swelled up in pain.

 

i've asked my mum to get them to leave but she just avoids the issue or tells me it's me making the situation stressful - i can't seem to get through to her at all and i feel completely trapped.

[Tally]

That's annoying that you have been turfed out of your bedroom for a month. It's one thing accommodating a guest with the best bed, but after a month they are not really a visitor any more and need to allow you to get on with your lives.

 

Sometimes talking to people when you are stressed out is not the best time as it's hard to articulate yourself clearly and it's easy to come across as angry rather than stressed out. Maybe it would be best to talk to your mum at a time when everyone is calm - maybe even take her out for a walk so you two can talk together. Perhaps writing a list of the things you would like to be able to do would help you explain things well. Maybe if the friend can have your brother's room and he can sleep on the sofa would be a fairer solution, since she is his friend and not yours.

 

In the mean time, is there somewhere else you could retreat to? Perhaps take yourself out for a walk or visit the library? Can you go in your room during the day on your own while the visitor is out?

[baddad]

Hi matzoball -

 

I think this is a situation that calls for compromise rather than a black/white solution... It seems completely unreasonable (on the basis of info given) that you should be 'ousted from your bed', but some of the other stuff is less straightforward. Your mum and your brother have their 'rights' too, and if they want this girl to stay they are perfectly entitled to that. the compromise is working out a way for her to stay that has less of an impact of your routines - especially your right to your own bed/bedroom.

Did you share a room with your brother, and the girl has now moved in with him, or has your room been 'usurped' as the spare for her while you've been relegated to the sofa or something? If the former, then I think your mum/brother should accept that after four weeks it's not fair and ask the girl to sleep on the 'put you up' (I can understand that your brother might not accept him on the sofa while you share a room with his girlfriend! :lol), or if your brother has his own room that the girl could sleep there, your bro have the 'put you up' and you get your room back.

 

That may not be what you want to hear, but again, given the situation you're describing, it looks like you've got Hobson's Choice (i.e. take it or leave it). I hope you can get your room back (or some other arrangement sorted), and other than that all i can really say is take advantage of that personal space as much as you can when you've got it.

 

L&P

 

BD

[matzoball]

we live in a 2 bedroom house, and my brother was only supposed to be living here temporarily - to clarify i am 32, and my brother is 28.

 

i am lucky enough to have a job, so i have to work a full day then come home to no retreat. neither my brother or this 18 year old girl work so they eat the all food i provide for the house so i have to buy more than usual, use the heat and electricity i pay for without even putting towards it. i don't grudge anyone food or the basic needs but i can't afford to furnish their lifestyle as my mum doesn't contribute to the bills. they play xbox til 6 in the morning, then sleep til teatime and it starts all over again. whenever i ask if she is going home my brother intimidates me.

 

i have told them the effect this is having on me and have been called schizo or retarded.

 

 

[justine1]

Hi I agree with Baddad you definatley need to speak to them so that you get your own room back.If there are other issues like with bathroom use etc. maybe you can suggest a rota system but this must be agreed on,so for example if you go to work at 9am you will need to shower at about 8am,the same applys to the use of the kitchen if you need to cook your own meals.

It can work if you all sit down and work together.I have shared many times in the past.I lived with my brother, his wife ,my father and my then 2 yr old son,it was very stressful as we are all very different people it was far worse in that I had a child and he was getting disciplined by four adults in four very different ways which was so confusing.

Two years ago my husbands cousin came to stay with us,I was lead to believe this would be for maximum of two months until he found a job,after five months he was still there and seemed to make no effort to find employment he just mopped around all day.My relationship with my husband was under pressure and so I left in the end as seemed to chose his cousin over me and his kids.

Not that I am suggesting you leave best to talk when everyone is calm.

 

 

[baddad]

Not easy, but apart from the suggestions already made not much else you can do.

I'm assuming you pay your mum 'rent' and she buys the food with that for everyone? Could you reduce the amount of rent money you give her and buy your food on the way home from work? Not likely to sit well with mum or your brother, and definitely not a friction free option, but if you don't hand over the money what can they do?

If you are 'paying' for a room but not getting access to it, again, try reducing the amount of 'rent' you pay. If there are two rooms then presumably mum now has one and your bro and his girlfriend the other (yours). Why should you pay 'their' rent?

Not an easy choice, and I'm certainly not 'pushing' you to make it - but is moving out an option at all? If not fully independent living some sort of supported housing? At the very least, contacting SS for advice on what's available may at least involve someone else in the equation? Or an advocacy scheme? C.A.B?

Sometimes resolving problems like this becomes confrontational no matter how hard you try - I'd try all of the 'compromise' options you've been given here (try writing precisely what you are feeling down and giving that to your mum if dialogue has a tendency to get heated) - but if that doesn't work... I'm not suggesting anger, or aggression, of course; but 'confrontational' like holding back rent payments/buying separate food etc seem perfectly reasonable in an unreasonable situation

 

L&P

 

BD

[justine1]

Not easy, but apart from the suggestions already made not much else you can do.

I'm assuming you pay your mum 'rent' and she buys the food with that for everyone? Could you reduce the amount of rent money you give her and buy your food on the way home from work? Not likely to sit well with mum or your brother, and definitely not a friction free option, but if you don't hand over the money what can they do?

If you are 'paying' for a room but not getting access to it, again, try reducing the amount of 'rent' you pay. If there are two rooms then presumably mum now has one and your bro and his girlfriend the other (yours). Why should you pay 'their' rent?

Not an easy choice, and I'm certainly not 'pushing' you to make it - but is moving out an option at all? If not fully independent living some sort of supported housing? At the very least, contacting SS for advice on what's available may at least involve someone else in the equation? Or an advocacy scheme? C.A.B?

Sometimes resolving problems like this becomes confrontational no matter how hard you try - I'd try all of the 'compromise' options you've been given here (try writing precisely what you are feeling down and giving that to your mum if dialogue has a tendency to get heated) - but if that doesn't work... I'm not suggesting anger, or aggression, of course; but 'confrontational' like holding back rent payments/buying separate food etc seem perfectly reasonable in an unreasonable situation

 

L&P

 

BD

Yes, the idea of reducing your rent and buying your food etc. seems good but I still think its best to explain how you feel first,if it seems your mum is not listening then take the above steps.These steps may lead to some sort of anger in the house so I would then suggest speaking to your mum and explaining that you have tried to be resonable but dont feel that you should be paying for everything especially if you dont even have your own room!Then tell her that she needs to either ask your brother to find alternative accomadation or you will,I am sure when you put it to her like that she may "chose" you over him as you are the one contributing financially.She may think you not serious so actually it may be worth finding out about accomadation anyway then either way you will be prepared.When you take each step give them a time limit for example if you try the rota system for 3 weeks and it has not worked move to the next thing.This will also give you time to explore your options.

I dont know you brothers situation but you are his family so maybe he just needs time to get back on his feet.That is not to say you should be taken advantage of.All in all if they are still there in 2 months time I would consider moving out,as three months is plenty of time to get themselves sorted.

Edited January 13, 2010 by justine1

[matzoball]

Yes, the idea of reducing your rent and buying your food etc. seems good but I still think its best to explain how you feel first,if it seems your mum is not listening then take the above steps.These steps may lead to some sort of anger in the house so I would then suggest speaking to your mum and explaining that you have tried to be resonable but dont feel that you should be paying for everything especially if you dont even have your own room!Then tell her that she needs to either ask your brother to find alternative accomadation or you will,I am sure when you put it to her like that she may "chose" you over him as you are the one contributing financially.She may think you not serious so actually it may be worth finding out about accomadation anyway then either way you will be prepared.When you take each step give them a time limit for example if you try the rota system for 3 weeks and it has not worked move to the next thing.This will also give you time to explore your options.

I dont know you brothers situation but you are his family so maybe he just needs time to get back on his feet.That is not to say you should be taken advantage of.All in all if they are still there in 2 months time I would consider moving out,as three months is plenty of time to get themselves sorted.

 

i tried talking to my mother again, and i wrote how i felt down so i didn't get distressed like last time, and she actually listened. my brother was asked to take her home, and given money to do it as he has none - he spent it on a game and cigarrettes last night instead of taking her home. i've contacted the homeless unit in my area as i feel it's pointless to argue anymore.

[baddad]

sorry it didn't work out, but at least your mum listened which has got to be a plus. Maybe you could suggest next time she BUYS coach or railway tickets rather than giving your bro the money, but it sounds a very difficult situation if your brother won't go when asked and your mum won't or can't enforce him going.

Whatever happens, looking into alternative housing options has got to be a useful step if independent living is your ultimate goal, but I would do that with support from SS etc rather than trying to go it alone. A letter from a medical professional requesting accommodation on medical grounds will give you a huge headstart on the local authorities 'points' system and give you some leeway in determining the type of accommodation you're offered and consdieration if you don't feel something offered is appropriate.

 

Very best

 

BD

[matzoball]

thanks for all of your kind words, as it happens my brother has decided to leave with the girl tomorrow. if it happens that is. i think however i should still look to move out (with the right help of course) as it will be easier to have my routine uninterrupted and get some privacy and quiet!

[Tally]

Sounds like you managed to talkto your mum and get her to understand, which is a real positive.I hope you get some peace now and can move out at your own pace.