University?

[Windrunner]

I have been at university since September now and am finding it increasingly difficult. I originally came here with a friend from home but she found her course too difficult and left. Now I do not know anyone here and feel rather lonely a lot of the time. However I find it almost impossible to approach anyone and don't think it is likely I could try to make friends with anyone due to this. Indeed I have only spoken to my housemates about four times since I arrived, and actually find their constant presence quite intimidating as back at home I was used to being able to cook or go to the bathroom without the chance of meeting someone who I may have to try to make conversation with, as I would have no idea what to say if they ever began to expect such a thing.

Has anyone else in my situation got through the whole of university? I'm doing well at my course so far and it would be a shame to throw it away over such a thing, but I'm not sure if its even possible.

[Meethoss]

Hi Windrunner. I got through University fine. I had a small group of friends but I really regret not expanding upon them and relying too much on what I had, so as difficult as it is I'd say really try your best to find more friends and once you get through the hard bit of meeting them it will really benefit you.

 

As for ways to meet people you should try to join some groups in fields of interest that you enjoy. For instance I joined the Taekwon Do club and met lots of people there - I usually stuck to my small group of friends there but it did give me a chance to meet more people and the more people you meet the easier it gets.

 

That's all I can think of for now sorry, but good luck - you can do it, just be positive!

[Windrunner]

Thanks, good to know its possible to do

 

I am a member of the science fiction society but I joined that for the main reason that social interaction wasn't necessary as all we do is meet up weekly and watch a sci-fi film maybe I could look into joining some more. Shame there isn't a World of Warcraft society, I could be running that by the end of my university career

[Mumble]

Indeed I have only spoken to my housemates about four times since I arrived, and actually find their constant presence quite intimidating as back at home I was used to being able to cook or go to the bathroom without the chance of meeting someone who I may have to try to make conversation with, as I would have no idea what to say if they ever began to expect such a thing.

Has anyone else in my situation got through the whole of university? I'm doing well at my course so far and it would be a shame to throw it away over such a thing, but I'm not sure if its even possible.

I understand exactly what you mean and how you feel. I'm still struggling my way through my PhD. I should have finished by now, but due to various issues which have been majorly exacerbated by my autism I'm still going. The thing is, I'm doing well academically (I think ) and love my subject and though I think about giving up, all those thoughts are connected with the 'other' issues of uni life and not the actual course, and I could never forgive myself if I were to give up.

 

I don't have friends at uni. I don't even know the names of the other students on my course. People who don't understand make suggestions about clubs etc., but (and this seems to be particularly so at my uni) all the clubs revolve around drinking which I can't/don't do and going to pubs/clubs.

 

One thing that's occurred to me in what you said. I tried living with flatmates (it actually went wrong for other reasons) but I understand that pressure of feeling almost scared about bumping into them and wanting to go to the bathroom etc. It feels really silly but makes total sense to me. When it became obvious I wasn't coping with living with flatmates and other issues I had, uni arranged for me to have a place in halls which is where I've been living for the last three years. It took a while to settle in, but since then it's been fantastic for me, as I have stability, my own space (it's corridors so no flatmates), a timetable, 24-hour support etc. Might it be worth you looking into this option? - most unis have special arrangements for disabled students in terms of halls allocation.

[Windrunner]

that could be an option but could be rather difficult considering I don't yet have a dx. In fact I gave up on trying for one after several bad experiences with 'experts' who clearly had no idea what they were doing and only succeeded at terrifying me (2 of them cornering me in a room and asking me personal questions is NOT going to make me feel comfortable!) and I'm unsure how much the university would co-operate without one.

[Tally]

I'm not at university, but I can relate to your difficulties making friends as something similar happened to me when I went to secondary school. My best friend was in most of my classes, so I never bothered to make any other friends. By the time she left the school, the other pupils thought I didn't want to know them, and I had no one and really struggled. If you can find a way to start conversations with the other people on your course, it might let them know that you do want to make friends. Even if you can just try to acknowledge them or smile at them it might make you look more approachable to them.

 

Do you think you could manage to start your own World of Warcraft society? Even if you only meet two or three people that way, it would be better than nothing!

[Windrunner]

I did consider starting my own society like that for a while but there were two big problems with that.

1) as the leader of a society I'd be expected to go to events to recruit new people and to publicly talk to exisiting members and I'm not sure how well I would cope with that, although it would be about something I love so I could muddle through better than with other things i suppose

2) I don't even know 20 people at university, let alone 20 who also play World of Warcraft, which is a shame because it would be a nice little conversation starter if I managed to approach them (and you need 20 to start a society)

Edited January 16, 2010 by Windrunner

[Tally]

Ah, I didn't realise how complicated it would be to start your own society . . . is there somewhere you could put up a notice asking if anyone wants to meet up informally to play?

[Windrunner]

hmm I guess I could put one up, if anything I might be able to send some people some instructions on how to set it up ,as its complicated to do here, and then get them to add me on the game so I could at least communicate with them on there.

[Meethoss]

Actually talking to people on your course is a great idea - you already know that they have at least one similar interest to you, you course topic! Just randomly sit next to someone in a lecture and say hi and introduce yourself, ask them how they are finding the course and how they are doing etc. You will probably feel very uncomfortable in your skin, but just bit your tongue and get through it - when you are through the other side it will be far easier!

[Gordie]

Hi, Becky (I see you're a newbie, so welcome to the forum).

 

Okay - here's my story, depressing as it is, which I wrote way back in October 2002, when I was in the final year of my Computing degree, and submitted to a web site specially dedicated to those at university with autism and Asperger's ...

• http://www.users.dircon.co.uk/~cns/james.html

Your situation sounds remarkably similar to mine at your age (and Mumble's actually, although my first-year halls still had a kitchen shared between 6, which majorly sucked). Some parts of my story will be more relevant to you than others, but do stick with it! The fact that I was only diagnosed halfway through my course make my story particularly appropriate to you.

 

To conclude the story, I ended up withdrawing from my course the following February (2003), about halfway through my final year, for the reasons I mentioned towards the end. I was totally de-motivated towards the work I had to do (I'd hardly got anything productive done, so at the halfway point in the year, it was clear I was never going to get it done), but I did at least get a "Diploma of Higher Education" for the 2 years I did successfully complete. The OCD-like behaviour I mentioned has exacerbated, so much so that it's taken over my life to a certain extent, especially as I haven't worked much in the 7 years since leaving uni. My range of interests has further narrowed and my enjoyment of what's left has further declined to virtually zero. But on the flipside, while my enjoyment/excitement levels have dropped, so have my low moods, so I'm no longer on any anti-depressants, as I no longer need them ... which you might understandably think is a good thing. But my life is now just one long, dull, "average" existence, where I have no ambition for my future, so I think I'd rather have the depression (and therefore the anti-depressants) back, if it meant I could get excited about things and feel enjoyment again. It even spelled the end for my one fairly recent relationship (since the American girl in my story) - after a few months, the initial spark and novelty of it had gone and we both knew it, so it just fizzled out.

 

that could be an option but could be rather difficult considering I don't yet have a dx. In fact I gave up on trying for one after several bad experiences with 'experts' who clearly had no idea what they were doing and only succeeded at terrifying me (2 of them cornering me in a room and asking me personal questions is NOT going to make me feel comfortable!) and I'm unsure how much the university would co-operate without one.

I would suggest you keep trying at different places, if you can handle it(!) - some will be better than others, as you'll clearly see in my story, and that was a decade ago now, so tolerance and understanding ought to be much better now.

 

By the way, that web site I submitted my story to might be useful to you (and anyone else at uni, like Mumble), although it doesn't appear to be being maintained any more, so a lot of it might now be out-of-date:

• University Students With Autism And Asperger's Syndrome

Anyway, best of luck to you, Becky. <'> Feel free to PM me if you feel the need for whatever reason. (Mind you, you'd probably be better off not taking my advice, since my uni course ultimately ended in failure! )

 

James

Edited January 18, 2010 by Gordie

[Windrunner]

Thankyou Gordie, that was a very interesting read as every few lines I sat up and said 'wow me too!'

 

I suppose I'm lucky in the way that my housemates have never been outwardly horrible to me (although I recently found a picture of all of us in the kitchen with my face scribbled out, not sure what that is supposed to mean or if I was indded even meant to see it) but I can very much understand the being avoided for not attempting to go out with them.

 

I also know what you mean about being considered tactless when I do speak to people. Even my own family find me offensive sometimes as I often just say something about a sensitive subject which they do not like because I imagine if the same thing was said to me I wouldn't mind. Of course this approach doesn't work so well because everyone is different and in different situations, so I'm still working on that one

 

I'm hoping in my second year I will find myself in better accomodation too so all I can do is keep my fingers crossed I think!

[kerryt84]

Hi Windrunner,

 

I found Uni quite hard. I was in a similar situation to you where I went with a friend. She didn't leave but I fell out with her during the first year and we didn't really speak after that. I was fairly lucky that I got on quite well with the people I first lived with. I saw some houses and thanked God that I wasn't in them because I knew it would have been a nightmare. I tried fitting in at first and went out socialising etc. but after a while I had enough and just spent more time on my own. Why don't you try writing a letter to your housemates telling them you suspect you have aspergers and what your problems are? Tell them you are unhappy and would like to try and make the situation better, but need their help. I wish I had done that with my housemates now because they really didn't understand many of my behaviours and it made me a bit of an outcast.

 

Whatever you do don't quit though, you will regret it and although Uni was a tough time for me I'm really glad I did it.

 

 

P.S. I would join your society if I was at your uni cause I love WOW

[justine1]

Hi I think you have got some very good advice especially about looking into accomadation,as you dont want to be uncomfortable and also with regards to introducing yourself to others on the same course as yourself.Try and see if there are study groups for your chosen course then maybe go for a pizza or something after,just a thought!

I did want to say,I went through high school with just one friend and now as an adult I have one friend(from my previous employment.)I just think having friends doesnt define who I am and I know people may think I have a problem not having friends and think I am a B**** but it doesnt stop me from reachig my goals.

 

My 9 year old is NT but he also has problems making friends it does bother him but I keep telling him that he just needs to focus on his school work and reach his full potential,I believe true friends will come along in time.

[Meethoss]

Not sure I agree with Justine. I think it's very important to have a decent sized, strong group of good, close friends - you'll need them to pick you up when things are bad. When I was with my ex I was very, very down and my friends helped me through and out of that. I never used to see them very much because I didn't have money to do things but also my ex frowned upon me seeing them (although always insisted she wanted me to).

 

To me now my friends are pretty much the most important thing to me and I try to maintain all my friendships. I think it's a case of "each to their own really" but I really wouldn't discount the benefits of a good friendship group. These people understand me more than most and put up with my quirkiness, and even seem to enjoy it, and they don't know I have Asperger's.

[justine1]

Not sure I agree with Justine. I think it's very important to have a decent sized, strong group of good, close friends - you'll need them to pick you up when things are bad. When I was with my ex I was very, very down and my friends helped me through and out of that. I never used to see them very much because I didn't have money to do things but also my ex frowned upon me seeing them (although always insisted she wanted me to).

 

To me now my friends are pretty much the most important thing to me and I try to maintain all my friendships. I think it's a case of "each to their own really" but I really wouldn't discount the benefits of a good friendship group. These people understand me more than most and put up with my quirkiness, and even seem to enjoy it, and they don't know I have Asperger's.

Hi Meethoss

I was by no means implying that there is no point in having friends ,you are very lucky to have friends and by all accounts they seem to be ginuine as they supported you during a hard time.

The main point I was making is that one should not drop out of uni because of lack of friendships.I am due to start uni in sept and I know how hard I worked to get the place so nothing will prevent me from getting my degree.I am saying I strongly believe a qualification is much more worthwhile as the point of going to uni as opposed to socialising.It is a bonus if you make friends along the way.

Another point is the friends you make at uni may not always remain your friends when you leave uni,especially when you eventually have kids.I am not saying dont go out there and socialise but dont become depressed over it.The friend I have now,I believe the timing I met her was sort of fate and she is like a sister to me,I dont know what I would do without her,I would rather have my one good friend than many "fake" friends(people who use me.)

Like you say everyone is different and I dont mean to be negative I am just giving my personal experience.

[Meethoss]

Hi Meethoss

I was by no means implying that there is no point in having friends ,you are very lucky to have friends and by all accounts they seem to be ginuine as they supported you during a hard time.

The main point I was making is that one should not drop out of uni because of lack of friendships.I am due to start uni in sept and I know how hard I worked to get the place so nothing will prevent me from getting my degree.I am saying I strongly believe a qualification is much more worthwhile as the point of going to uni as opposed to socialising.It is a bonus if you make friends along the way.

Another point is the friends you make at uni may not always remain your friends when you leave uni,especially when you eventually have kids.I am not saying dont go out there and socialise but dont become depressed over it.The friend I have now,I believe the timing I met her was sort of fate and she is like a sister to me,I dont know what I would do without her,I would rather have my one good friend than many "fake" friends(people who use me.)

Like you say everyone is different and I dont mean to be negative I am just giving my personal experience.

 

Sorry, my misunderstanding! Yes you are very right in what you say. Uni can be tough but stick through it and you will have something that will help you through life. I also agree that you will be lucky to keep a lot of your friends after Uni because people tend to move back home and it's easy to drift apart.

[Gordie]

I suppose I'm lucky in the way that my housemates have never been outwardly horrible to me (although I recently found a picture of all of us in the kitchen with my face scribbled out, not sure what that is supposed to mean or if I was indded even meant to see it) but I can very much understand the being avoided for not attempting to go out with them.

Hmmm ... I fear the worst as far as that picture's concerned - it kinda says to me, "You're not one of us" - kinda like passive bullying, especially if that pic was taken at the start of the academic year, before you'd all got to know each other.

 

I'm hoping in my second year I will find myself in better accomodation too so all I can do is keep my fingers crossed I think!

Good luck with that! If nothing else, I've shown there are a wide range of different options out there, seeing as I managed 5 different "types" of accommodation over the 5 years I ended up studying, and had initially planned on a sixth!

1. Plan pre-Year 1: Hotel lodging
2. Year 1: Halls of residence
3. Year 2 (Attempt 1): Shared house
4. Year 2 (Attempt 2): Guest house lodging
5. Year 3 (Placement Year): Lodging in private home
6. Year 4: Flat share with brother

I tried fitting in at first and went out socialising etc. but after a while I had enough and just spent more time on my own.

That was totally what I did at the start of my first year! Tried hard to fit in, especially during the crucial Freshers' Week, but it really didn't last long - it became too exhausting, mentally more than physically, and of course I soon had to start concentrating on my studies. And that's when things went downhill rapidly with them.

 

Why don't you try writing a letter to your housemates telling them you suspect you have aspergers and what your problems are? Tell them you are unhappy and would like to try and make the situation better, but need their help.

I'm not sure about that. True, it may work, but if they're as much trouble as the "picture incident" Windrunner mentioned in her last post suggests, then it could easily backfire. Giving them a label to attack her with could be music to their ears. It's a tricky one.

 

James

[Meethoss]

I'm not so sure that the picture incident is a negative (although I could be wrong)...It could be that they see your lack of participation as though you're not even there. We used to joke about my housemate in my first year because we never EVER saw him, but in actual fact we quite liked him and would've liked him to be around more.

 

As for writing them a letter...I'm also not sure about this. I'd be careful what you do, as Geordie says it could be taken negatively. I agree that you somehow need to get across your anxieties - maybe just talk to them and say you feel like you don't fit in or that they don't like you or something like that, something less extreme. They might then understand why you aren't around so much and then give you some slack, allowing you to participate more. Try finding out what you have in common and then discussing those and the more they talk to you the more they will like you and want to spend time with you.

[CEJesson]

Hi Becky,

I've been reading this thread for a few days now and decided to submit my reply. A long post awaits and I'm sorry for that. I'll firstly go through some of my own experiences then will begin to answer some of your dilemmas and questions.

 

University has been a breath of fresh air, a somewhat radical change of experience but not without a continual themeof difficulties. In my experience though, the anxieties that do take place are always there, but even the instances where I have nearly lost it (or lost it) I've eventually managed. This is because the strengths of originally going to university (my specific interest in the places we live in, hence doing a town planning degree) keep me here. Even when the actual degree has its down moments I continue to work hard on basis of this principal.

 

After many years of being alone most of the time, except around family members (and being comfortable doing so), the first year of university brought a lot of us together to mingle - during this time everyone is like lemmings or sheep, following a lot of what others do. Yes, you pursue your individual interests and still have important personal free time, but a lot relies on meeting other people.

 

I am now in 3rd year and the whole presumption of social experiences at university has turned itself on its head. I now look at the typical actions of years 1 and 2 and ask "why did I do that?" - I was not a reckless person and am notoriously rule abiding, but those years brought me out of the original comfort zone of being alone, and keeping myself occupied with what I want to do. Above all, because having a lot of people to talk to in 1st and 2nd year brought out a necessity to be around people all the time, to keep me occupied. I feel this is not a good trait because it makes you a lot more insecure and anxious when all does go quiet.

 

That is why in 3rd year I have reverted back to being content again with doing my own thing. I did a huge cull of 'friends' on Facebook and the sudden influx of messages and comments I got was just a reflection of the insecurities I mention above. These people generally have me on their phonebook or email list, but don't bother contacting - suddenly when I delete them off their statistic radar, all is ablaze. I've gone back to the original comfort zone, albeit less severe than it originally was. At least now I have people I meet for coffee, revise with and go out with in more mellow locations (walks/shopping/lunch etc), and before there wasn't anyone practically. Sixth form was the bit in between, with a developing social network based around the school day itself, though not much outside of it.

 

And you know what, being back in some of this comfort zone is immensely satisfying - I have more freedom than ever and it has helped personal confidence skills - Instead of not knowing what I don't know, I have begun to understand the 'drag and drop' status society and some friendships can be like.

 

With regards to accommodation, ask yourself what would be your comfort zone. Where would you most likely want to live? A hall of residence, house, flat or so on? I've had acute problems with accommodation in year 1, and better experiences in years 2 and 3 and would quite happily give some advice to you about making this choice. The situation with the housemates and the picture doesn't sound particularly nice, but if you are reasonably confident that they don't bother you in other ways, it may just be best to keep on your current values which seems similar to the ones I am employing in my 3rd year. Are they still giving off a vibe of intimidation to you? This could merely be because they don't understand the reason why you don't see them often is for personal reasons. I get on with my housemates but not to the extent where I can vision us meeting up again in person once leaving. Writing them a letter sounds very good initially, indeed I have been a good advocate of it in the past, but it actually isn't a good idea in the long run because you haven't seen your housemates in the way you don't want to see them yet. A letter can only intensify the picture incident and I am sure you don't want that. Keep it as a polite acquaintance and don't be too consciencious with pandering around them.

 

As a means to communicate with people, I agree with the comments above suggesting talking to people on the course. The house as an environment, for all its virtues, can also be hard work for social interaction because it is closed and small. You can escape by going out, but you have to return to face the music if the conversation has been difficult. On the course, this can sometimes be less of an issue - the department is a larger building, and so are lecture theatres. If you have group work, how do you find this?

 

P.S. I tried to set up my own society for students with Autism/AS at the students union but didn't get enough takers. It is hard to set one up and get it right!

 

I hope this helps somewhat, and if useful do send me a message and will try and answer what you have to say.

Edited January 21, 2010 by CEJesson

[Gordie]

as Geordie says

Oi - "Gordie", not "Geordie". (It's been years since anyone's made that mistake though - takes me back to my days in chat rooms! It used to be a daily occurrence back then! )

 

James

[Meethoss]

Hahaha, sorry! That's really funny because I saw the comment and thought "Oh that's funny because I read it as Geordie too" and then I realised it was ME you were quoting! Hahaha!

 

Sorry again!