Fed up with flatmates (again)

[dekaspace]

Think I posted stuff like this before, not sure though, if you want to get to the current issues go to "part 2"

 

I have aspergers, dyslexia and dyspraxia and suffer greatly from depression due a family member being murdered a few years ago.

 

I have been in and out of college and uni for 3 and a half years now, the first year was at college and I was fine as for the first few months had my own flat and was best place I ever stayed(to the point my dad said recently I was a fool for giving it up which I agree!) then moved to a halls for a first year at uni, I hadnt completly recovered from some issues with my old flatmate who had serious depression and used to cry and punch walls that never got out of my system but still enjoyed things.

 

Anyway I ended up living with some typical 18-21 year olds, some were nice to me but more than half gave me weird looks or called me a weirdo to my face and excluded me on purpose.

 

I then moved away to another uni as I left early and started another course, first place I stayed I loved at first as it was an old hotel but after the place got full I felt cramped(I had the smallest of 40 rooms! some were 4-6 times bigger!) also because I own a lot of electricals(about 200-300 dvds and games and 500 copied dvds on spindles) and about all the games consoles you can get! I also ended up having a lot of parcels stolen and food which annoyed me as I come from a poor family and my entire 2-3 weeks worth would vanish overnight as people knew I was a soft touch.

 

So I moved to another place and that ended up with a drug dealer in the house(a 20 bedroom house this time) and 16 out of the 20 students were foreign and had drug parties each night so bad they smashed all the living room furniture and smashed bannisters over 100 years old! and I failed exams as I didnt turn up for them as couldnt sleep due to the parties!

 

I moved back to where I first moved away at 17, 40 miles from home and it was ok but was where my family member died.

 

First house I lived in was quiet, only issues I had was 1 flatmate liked to turn heating on about 18 hours a day and the others would sweat and the bills were expensive plus no one socialised together and had box rooms.

 

Part 2

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I moved to a very big 4 bedroom house, of which 2 bedrooms are now empty and I have the only other room on the floor so can do what I want, however the only other tenant likes to party, not to the extremes of former flatmates but still he can get to the point where it is music so loud my chair rattles, and he has had 2 full on parties to the point that I had to go down and join in and 2 more which had less people but still at least 10-15 at maximum in fact 2 weeks ago he had an all night party and so I stayed up all night, was fun but I wanted to go to bed and everytime his drunk mates come round they barge in my room and ask me to come drinking with them which isnt very nice.

 

The other issue that in a way is more annoying is he NEVER cleans, well both times after the massive parties he did but normally when he brings friends round he never bothers and so I have to clean up his mess of stained carpet, chair covers, wash towels and spend ages cleaning kitchen top to bottom.

 

He also never bothers taking rubbish out and when I moved in there was like 20 bin bags out there! and his female friend who has a little bit of a crush on me and was crying on my shoulder one night as her ex was causing her trouble talked about what a wonderful guy I was and how the flatmate had been boasting to his friends that he never has to do any cleaning and can get off with anything as I am a soft touch, and on that it has got to the point where the guy shoves all his recycling into the kitchen on the side and makes me take it out the back door(which is in the kitchen and seconds to walk from kitchen to bins)

 

Right now he has about 5 pizza boxes on the side and many used ready meals, mouldy milk(he took it out of the fridge 4 days ago and it was 6 weeks old!) and loads of dirty dishes and again the chairs in the living room are stained.

 

Just want a bit of advice and comfort.

[Meethoss]

Ok, sounds to me like you've been through it but you won't get any comfort from me - sorry! (That's all you're getting ) I don't mean that in a bad way, but the last thing you need is a load of sympathy and unhelpful comforting that will simply allow you to continue down the road you are going.

 

You need to stop being so soft and you need to take action. It doesn't need to be anything drastic but you need to stand up for yourself. Start of easy and polite, something like "Hey dude, can you please start tidying up a bit after yourself? Take those boxes out for recycling and generally tidy the place up" - most semi-reasonable people will do it. When it comes to parties just let him know that you're happy with the parties but could he please keep them at certain times, and let him know when you have exams or a particular class or something and that if he is going to have friends around during those times that he keep the noise down. Then when he does have parties try to get in on the organising, get him on your side and then he will be more willing to do things for you.

 

I had two housemates in Uni who'd never clean up (excluding one time where I threatened to "throw all your ###### ###### out the window if it's not ###### clean") - one of which later stayed with me, my bro and my bro's girlfriend. My housemate would never clean up his stuff and then I would get it in the neck because he was "my" friend. It later caused massive, MASSIVE arguements between me and Helen where we would literally scream and swear at each other, as she would blame me and I would tell her it was my housemate's mess so he should clean it up. It never got anywhere and I eventually moved out for 3 months and then eventually calmed down.

 

I've been in two relationships where girlfriends have completely taken the ###### with me - I was too soft and it was ENTIRELY my fault for letting it get that far. You want to make sure you don't allow yourself to get in to that position (with whomever), I ended up with £16,000 debt and if you don't recognise when people are taking you for a ride then you could end up with something just as bad.

 

And that's why I'm not going to comfort you. Don't wallow, don't get angry, just stand up for yourself and deal with the situation reasonably before it gets worse. I hope you understand and appreciate the constructive advice

[dekaspace]

Ok, sounds to me like you've been through it but you won't get any comfort from me - sorry! (That's all you're getting ) I don't mean that in a bad way, but the last thing you need is a load of sympathy and unhelpful comforting that will simply allow you to continue down the road you are going.

 

You need to stop being so soft and you need to take action. It doesn't need to be anything drastic but you need to stand up for yourself. Start of easy and polite, something like "Hey dude, can you please start tidying up a bit after yourself? Take those boxes out for recycling and generally tidy the place up" - most semi-reasonable people will do it. When it comes to parties just let him know that you're happy with the parties but could he please keep them at certain times, and let him know when you have exams or a particular class or something and that if he is going to have friends around during those times that he keep the noise down. Then when he does have parties try to get in on the organising, get him on your side and then he will be more willing to do things for you.

 

I had two housemates in Uni who'd never clean up (excluding one time where I threatened to "throw all your ###### ###### out the window if it's not ###### clean") - one of which later stayed with me, my bro and my bro's girlfriend. My housemate would never clean up his stuff and then I would get it in the neck because he was "my" friend. It later caused massive, MASSIVE arguements between me and Helen where we would literally scream and swear at each other, as she would blame me and I would tell her it was my housemate's mess so he should clean it up. It never got anywhere and I eventually moved out for 3 months and then eventually calmed down.

 

I've been in two relationships where girlfriends have completely taken the ###### with me - I was too soft and it was ENTIRELY my fault for letting it get that far. You want to make sure you don't allow yourself to get in to that position (with whomever), I ended up with £16,000 debt and if you don't recognise when people are taking you for a ride then you could end up with something just as bad.

 

And that's why I'm not going to comfort you. Don't wallow, don't get angry, just stand up for yourself and deal with the situation reasonably before it gets worse. I hope you understand and appreciate the constructive advice

 

I have just learned to be this way, I am actually the sort of person who wishes I could punch a lot of people but holds myself back as I know from experience that blame always gets pushed onto me, even when I was attacked at school and had my shoulder broken and my arm strapped to my chest the school said it was my fault and as I came from a council estate if any kids from better off families attacked me even if I threw no punches I was blamed and told I provoked them and was unfairly suspended and they got no punishment.

 

Also I physically cannot fight back or stand up for myself, every time I try I back down because I cannot form an arugment in my brain or get threatened with violence.

 

Anyway the guysa t it again, I made sure I didnt clean up after him but it ended up becoming such a tip that he even shoved his recycling in the kitchen I tidied up but mentioned that the neighbours had complained and I spent ages cleaning so make sure its kept tidy as the recycling wasnt taken this fortnight so we have next to no facilities.

 

Guess what, he has friends round and I need to be in bed already as have class at 9am at a campus 45 minutes away and they have already made a mess of the floor and has friends running about up and downstairs yelling and screaming and smacking and spanking each other.

[Meethoss]

I'd be persistent. Leave the house to escalate in to chaos if needs be. He'll never learn if you keep doing it for him.

 

As for his friends just stick your head out of the door and say something like "Hey guys, would you mind keeping it down a bit please? I've got an early class tomorrow, thanks!" and say it with a smile. It's easy to be rude to someone who's abrupt but much harder with someone who's nice to you.

 

And as for not being able to stick up for yourself this is simply something you will have to learn the hard way. As before, just be persistent, you'll get there. If you don't learn it soon then you will find it much harder later in life and I've seen myself in business the people who've never learnt and they simply get walked over.

 

Sorry, I know this may come across as "it's tough, deal with it" but life IS unfortunately a case of survival of the fittest. Just keep your chin up and keep at it, you'll get it sorted!

[dekaspace]

I'd be persistent. Leave the house to escalate in to chaos if needs be. He'll never learn if you keep doing it for him.

 

As for his friends just stick your head out of the door and say something like "Hey guys, would you mind keeping it down a bit please? I've got an early class tomorrow, thanks!" and say it with a smile. It's easy to be rude to someone who's abrupt but much harder with someone who's nice to you.

 

And as for not being able to stick up for yourself this is simply something you will have to learn the hard way. As before, just be persistent, you'll get there. If you don't learn it soon then you will find it much harder later in life and I've seen myself in business the people who've never learnt and they simply get walked over.

 

Sorry, I know this may come across as "it's tough, deal with it" but life IS unfortunately a case of survival of the fittest. Just keep your chin up and keep at it, you'll get it sorted!

 

I am an inbetweener, I neither am quiet nor loud so I do approach subjects but when I do I am too soft at them.

 

Anyway tonight was a nightmare, he was taking cocaine and kept me awake all night and some random high guy kept walking in my room as I have no lock and I think he was trying to suffocate me as he kept grabbing my eyes and mouth and telling me to forgive him, then he came back and pulled my covers off and said he wanted to get into bed with me! then he tried to steal many of my posessions!

 

EDIT Ok so asked for some advice on another forum as was having a panic attack and described what I said in this post and was accused of being a troll, having no common sense and they worry for this country if I am the future of it disgusting.

Edited February 17, 2010 by dekaspace

[matzoball]

I am an inbetweener, I neither am quiet nor loud so I do approach subjects but when I do I am too soft at them.

 

Anyway tonight was a nightmare, he was taking cocaine and kept me awake all night and some random high guy kept walking in my room as I have no lock and I think he was trying to suffocate me as he kept grabbing my eyes and mouth and telling me to forgive him, then he came back and pulled my covers off and said he wanted to get into bed with me! then he tried to steal many of my posessions!

 

EDIT Ok so asked for some advice on another forum as was having a panic attack and described what I said in this post and was accused of being a troll, having no common sense and they worry for this country if I am the future of it disgusting.

 

if you can't talk to him, you need to move out. he is too unpredictable and you can't live with someone who has friends like that! perhaps having someone who you trust with you when you tell him your concerns might help as he will be less likely to try and treat you like a soft touch. then if he still persists - time to look for somewhere else.

[Meethoss]

Woah, ok dude he sounds way too messed up for my approach. I agree with Matzoball - get the hell out of there. And you aren't a troll, ignore those fools.

Edited February 17, 2010 by Meethoss

[dekaspace]

Woah, ok dude he sounds way too messed up for my approach. I agree with Matzoball - get the hell out of there. And you aren't a troll, ignore those fools.

 

Well I saw flatmate yesterday and he apoligsed and claimed it was 2 of his friends that often get out of hand and as he is drunk too he just lets them get on with it, which I think is mainly true as the noise only occurs when one or both these guys are here and flatmate gave me the £13 after he came back from town later on for bills.

 

Also got a really snotty email from landlord saying he has told us off for noise in the past(NO HE HASNT!) and also blaming us for not having anyone out of over 20 viewings to rent house after summer and the house is a tip(again NO because of my disabilities I get very OCD and clean into corners and polish everything etc) and hes coming tommorow and if house isnt clean hes getting cleaners in and keeping our entire deposit and if the situation remains the same 2 weeks later he is evicting us!(both things illegal) and also going to get CCJS against us(yet I dont owe any rent) and get us chucked out of uni!

 

Disgusting treatment from him sinceI have done nothing wrong!

[smiley1590]

cant you go to the council and explain your personal situarion and get emergency accomadation,support or advice! or go to citzen's advice or NAS ask where you go next...as can't carry on as is as making you more panicky,anxious,stressed,worried and depressed .....

 

good luck

XKLX

[dekaspace]

cant you go to the council and explain your personal situarion and get emergency accomadation,support or advice! or go to citzen's advice or NAS ask where you go next...as can't carry on as is as making you more panicky,anxious,stressed,worried and depressed .....

 

good luck

XKLX

 

Tried uni support and they just said its £20 a night to stay uncatered!

 

Anyway after 2 weeks of it being calmed down the other tenant decided to go out last night and bring back randomers from the club who stayed up all night(though I slept throught it) but then refused to leave saying they wanted to party more and other tenant just buggered off and left me with people who then proceeded to smash my tv and break my ps2 and snap the wooden sofa in half then walk in my room demanding I lend them £10 etc.

 

To make matters worse I am very angry because I was supposed to see a New Deal advisor today for a first appoiment so had to cancel and was told my claim will be sanctioned even though I described what was happening and was told its not a good enough reason!

 

So because of the """""" flatmate I have lost this fortnights £135 and cant afford to buy food.

[matzoball]

Tried uni support and they just said its £20 a night to stay uncatered!

 

Anyway after 2 weeks of it being calmed down the other tenant decided to go out last night and bring back randomers from the club who stayed up all night(though I slept throught it) but then refused to leave saying they wanted to party more and other tenant just buggered off and left me with people who then proceeded to smash my tv and break my ps2 and snap the wooden sofa in half then walk in my room demanding I lend them £10 etc.

 

To make matters worse I am very angry because I was supposed to see a New Deal advisor today for a first appoiment so had to cancel and was told my claim will be sanctioned even though I described what was happening and was told its not a good enough reason!

 

So because of the """""" flatmate I have lost this fortnights £135 and cant afford to buy food.

 

you need to leave. ask the NAS for some help, ask the local department for work and pensions for help - just get out. even tell your landlord that your flatmate is doing all of this - just do something and get out.

[Meethoss]

I agree with all that Matzo says. You're in a situation where you cannot do much on your own so you need to get as much help as you can from legitimate others.

[matzoball]

i also really think you need to talk to your parents about it, you need someone in your corner.

[dekaspace]

i also really think you need to talk to your parents about it, you need someone in your corner.

 

Ok another update, he hasnt been noisy but tonight let in 4 friends, 3 were fine but 1 was the main druggie from 2 weeks ago who stole some dvds of mine and food and alcohol from my cupboard I went down at 4am to get ready for bed and he was in there, had it been other friends I would of gone to bed but he was there on flatmates laptop!

 

So I stayed in to look after place and he kept asking everyone to loan him £10 or asking if they wanted drugs he could get them, then asking if anyone had any spare booze etc.

 

He is the stereotypical "chav" rotten teeth, a tattoos of Brittish Pride, then was talking about the "blacks" in this country and how they are murderers and criminals, then saying how he supported the BNP etc.

 

Worried again as I dont want to sleep leaving this guy in our house alone.

[Meethoss]

I'd suggest advising your flatmate that you don't mind his other friends but you would like him to not bring this friend around for the various reasons that you've explained; just try not to do it in an offensive or insulting way i.e. just state the facts. He should see that you're being reasonable and hopefully will listen - just keep at it.

[dekaspace]

I'd suggest advising your flatmate that you don't mind his other friends but you would like him to not bring this friend around for the various reasons that you've explained; just try not to do it in an offensive or insulting way i.e. just state the facts. He should see that you're being reasonable and hopefully will listen - just keep at it.

 

Its been a while since I wrote since he was away for almost 3 weeks for easter then I went to family about 2 or 3 times a week and was away for 7 days but came back Saturday

 

He has gotten excessivly loud again and its obvious they are on drugs as last night there was a bit of noise on and off for 2 hours but only for about a minute each time and they were discussing the effects of what they bought and how they want to get it again and how spaced they were, then tonight all I have heard is doors getting slammed and crashed, the house stinks of cigarette smoke( I am a non smoker but am tolerant of cigarette smoke but this is far stronger) and music is loudest its ever been it really is rattling my chair, and my glass is wobbling a bit on my desk!

 

I was going to go to Tesco but worried as theres no locks on the doors.

 

Also one of the main reasons is I have been getting worse and worse depression for the last 6 years due to the family death yet the last 3 days WERE the best I have felt in pretty much the entire 6 years, almost normal but dont want these stereotypical "middle class students" to ruin my life when I am mending!

 

All I want is them to not shout at top of their voice, they can shout but not as loud, they can play loud music but not to the extremes that neighbours can hear it etc, isnt that reasonable?

[Mumble]

You have two options:

 

1. Move

 

2. (As I'm doing now) - insert ear plugs, put noise cancelling headphones over the top, and plug in a Febreeze odour destroyer thingy to help a bit with the smoky smell.

 

Have you spoken to your landlord?

 

[dekaspace]

You have two options:

 

1. Move

 

2. (As I'm doing now) - insert ear plugs, put noise cancelling headphones over the top, and plug in a Febreeze odour destroyer thingy to help a bit with the smoky smell.

 

Have you spoken to your landlord?

 

If you read further up the thread last time I complained to landlord he said it was a joint responsibility to keep house clean and quiet and threatened us both with eviction and keeping our deposits.

 

Moving 22nd June anyway so not too long