Appearing Different

[Mumble]

I'm feeling pretty low at the moment and it would help me to have others' experiences / opinions.

 

I've always tried (at uni at least, particularly in classes) to come across as 'normal' (whatever that is ), to act as other students do and to 'fit in'. I thought I had succeeded pretty well at this with, at worst, me being thought of as a bit quiet/shy or as someone who doesn't know much as I don't contribute much to discussions. The price I've been paying for this acting during the day has been total exhaustion, not coping with and not fitting in in other situations, not having a social life and not fitting in at all in halls because by the time I get back in the evenings I'm shattered and need time alone.

 

Anyway, it transpires that I haven't been doing such a good job of appearing normal in classes/lectures and that other students have noticed that I'm different and have been discussing me. I was told this all by another student, not in a nasty way at all, she was actually telling someone else about me (whilst I was there) and how she admired me () for being an individual. I realise that this is probably a complement, but I'm finding it very hard to see this when what I hear is that I'm not managing to pull off my being normal and blending in act and that all my efforts over the last many years have been futile. All the effort I've put in and the cost I've paid hasn't been worth it.

 

I don't know what to do now. Do I continue with my act that isn't working? Do I be myself (and probably scare people off)? Where does this leave me when I finish uni and have to work in the real world? People have thought me odd when I have been working before but I thought now I know more about ASDs and about myself I would be better able to cover up those aspects of myself but it seems not.

 

Do you and / or your children try to fit in and appear normal? Do you succeed? Is there a secret trick to fitting in that I'm missing? (I've checked myself for an extra head, odd appendages and green skin so it's none of those things )

 

[sesley]

my son is 10 with asd and he really tries to be sociable and will often be over the top and too up close and personnel, he is not self aware enough yet to tell him about being autistic,so its teaching him how to hold back a little and to consider others around him which is hard. he wants to be in control and first and win he looses ot when he is not,but when he does play nicely with others on ds lite games you would no notice anything different about him.he is good though i say wait there and he does.social ettiqutte is a tough lesson to learn for him,but gradully he is learning,but every now and then he does stand out different.

[Tally]

Firstly, I think your feelings may be telling you this is worse than it really is. A person has said they admire you for your individuality, she did not say you were different in a way that was unlikeable. And if she was trying to say something complimentary about you, then that means you have made a good impression on her. Even if it wasn't quite the impression you were hoping for, at least it wasn't a bad one. You must be getting something right!

 

It does seem to be having some positive effect - you are coming across in a way people like. You just have to decide whether that's worth all the effort you are putting in.

[justine1]

Firstly, I think your feelings may be telling you this is worse than it really is. A person has said they admire you for your individuality, she did not say you were different in a way that was unlikeable. And if she was trying to say something complimentary about you, then that means you have made a good impression on her. Even if it wasn't quite the impression you were hoping for, at least it wasn't a bad one. You must be getting something right!

 

It does seem to be having some positive effect - you are coming across in a way people like. You just have to decide whether that's worth all the effort you are putting in.

Hi

I agree with Tally,unless they specifically said it because of your ASD,then it is likely its just because you are more of an individual and dont follow the crowd like the rest of the "sheep."

 

In any case,even us NT's have to "wear a mask"/cant always be ourselves in certain situations.This is especially true in a work situation,more so if you work with people.For example when I was working if I had an argument with my husband I had to go into work and put a huge smile on my face and act as professional as possible,but if I were at home or at a family members home I would cry over it or rant about it.

 

My son is only six so he is always himself,he doesnt care what other people think,I wish I could be as confident.I know this will most probably change when he reaches puberty but I always tell my kids to be themselves.

 

I think you should do what makes you happy,if you feel comfortable acting NT while in that environment you should do it,dont feel bad,you can be yourself when you get home.However if it is causing you alot of stress to act differently then dont do it,you may lose your own identity!

[call me jaded]

I know this probably isn't much help right now, but somewhere between 25 and 30 years old you stop worrying what your peer group think of you. I personally wish I hadn't worried about it so much.

 

I think you could probably cut yourself a little slack and not make quite so much effort - they know you by now.

[baddad]

As with all the above - and I would reiterate Justine1's point that everybody wears masks to some extent. No doubt the 'social aspie' probably wears more, but it is a line that people have to negotiate and balance for themselves depending on what they feel they can/can't achieve and what they want to achieve. Some autistic people are very happy with their own company while others have a much greater social 'need'. The compromises for the former will be less, but either way the 'line' has to be one that balances personal and social needs, and it's important to know and accept individual limitations in this regard. As with all disabilities (and life generally, I guess), acceptance of the things you can't do is as empowering as acheiving all you can.

 

L&P

 

BD

[Karen A]

Hi Mumble.

I wonder if worries about being different are very much the same for people who do not have ASD.

I spent all of my life until a few months ago wanting to fit in and appear the same as people that I looked up to.

I thought that there was such a thing as ''nomal''.

The people that I regarded as ''nomal'' always appeared more popular and more sociable than myself.

I have realised now that many of those people are just as messed up as anyone else.They just wear a better mask.They also spend loads of time and effort attempting to be someone else that they look up to.

 

I am not even sure what ''normal '' is.

When I was in my late twenties I was considered very ''normal'' .I was married with two young children.I was a leader in numerous groups.I had had a successful career and had a husband who was a successful professional.I had a very good front indeed.

When I was in my thirtees I became mentally very unwell for a while.People who knew me very well were shocked.At times I would not have been considered ''normal'' at all.

Now I am forty four.I am officially very well indeed as of last Tuesday when we were discharged by CAMHS.I am not the same person I was before I was ill.In some ways I probably appear more of an individual than I have ever done.For example I have started to lift weights.I go to the gym and will go into the weights area which is a very male environment.This is something that many women would not be brave enough to do.I don't bother that a still rather overweight fortyfour year old women might look out of place.

Some people would think that very strange.I just worry less what people think.

However even though I am healthier mentally and physically than I have ever been some people would now say I am not ''normal'' because I was once unwell.

The same people that thought I was fine when I was in my twenties because I was working extremely hard to live up to others unrealistic expectations.

 

I do not know whether now I am ''normal'' by most people's standards.However it feels far better for me than how I was in my twenties.

Incidently being myself does not always make me more popular.Now I have found I have a voice I am far more likely to say ''no'' to things or to not go along with the crowd.Some people I am sure liked me better when I did whatever I was asked to do regardlaess of whether it was good for myself and my family.

However I have also got to know other people that I would previously have never come across.Even some of those huge men at the gym can be really supportive now I have had to share equipment with them.

 

Both of my lads have their own views on things.

Far from fitting in Ben is known for his willingness to challenge people if he does not agree with them.

He not at all afraid to argue for what he believes.

Ben will probably need to accept at some point that that does not gaurentee that others will agree.

Sometimes compromise is needed. [He must take after his father ]

However I am glad that both our lads have an awareness of what they believe.They are growing up in an environment where they will be offered drugs,alcohol and stolen goods if it has not happened already.Sometimes it is important to not want to follow the crowd but to be prepared to be different.Peer pressure is not always a positive thing.

 

I also thought I would say not everyone needs to be sociable to the same degree.I go to the gym.I am very happy to spend most of my time working on things alone.I am very self directed.I like to say hi to people.However I do not have a great need to do classes.On the other hand my husband would far rather do an excercise class in a group.He cannot believe that I can remain motivated on my own.

Social life is part of being at university however the main thing is that you are not lonely.There is nothing wrong with wanting time alone to chill out after a day of lectures.

Karen.

Edited April 6, 2010 by Karen A

[soraya]

Hiya sorayas son here.

 

theres no such thing as normal, because everyone has their individual problems and needs.

 

the thing is, being yourself may scare people away at times, but the ones who accept you are the only ones worth having.

 

to be quite honest people who judge a book by its cover never learn the real story, and miss out BIG TIME

 

this is just from personal experience as i have aspergers.

 

Take care

 

Nicholas Xx

 

Edited to remove full name - Simon (Mossgrove)

Edited April 20, 2010 by mossgrove

[zenemu]

Do you and / or your children try to fit in and appear normal? Do you succeed? Is there a secret trick to fitting in that I'm missing? (I've checked myself for an extra head, odd appendages and green skin so it's none of those things )

 

Hi Mumble,

 

I have long since given up trying to fit in. Many years ago, I did my best to fit in, and to learn social norms. I went out of my way to put myself into situations which most people would find difficult to deal with, let alone someone with AS; things like performing, public speaking and kareoke (I am tone deaf and find singing very embaressing). I also went out a lot and did my best to socialize. I found that alothough I was (with a great deal of difficulty) able to cope, I was exhasuted by it, and spent to much time analyzing what I had said or where I went wrong. I found it difficult to keep friends and extremely difficult to form meaningful relationships.

 

Here is the thing; as I have gotten older, I have come to understand that it doesn't really matter as much as I once thought. I am who I am, and I am slowly moving on from really caring what other people think, and if they see me as normal or not. They can accept me how they find me. I find I can use my AS in creative ways for my own benefit without worrying so much about what people think.

 

That is not to say that I don't try to fit in at all. I do monitor what I say in social situations still, but not in the same ways as I used to. I am careful not to go back to the same subjects over and over again and I try not to talk about the same thing for long periods of time. I do drift off with my own thoughts for long periods of time still, but I again I try not to do this so much in polite company. I do these things to enable me to function in social situations, not because I feel the need to fit in.

 

I don't walk around telling everyone I meet that I have AS, but if I am likely to form a long term association with people and will be spending a lot of time with them, I do mention it, because it is easier for them to know, rather than for me to keep up the exhausting and often unsucessful excercise of practicing "social norms". It often also helps that if they know, they are less likely to be offended by something I have failed to pick up on or some other social faux pas.

 

Zen

[Sammysnake]

I'm about as NT as it comes, know just how to handle different social situations and am very intuitive when it comes to reading people's feelings, intentions etc. However, I spend every second of my life worrying about what others think of me - what I look like, how I speak, how to make everyone like me. I don't always follow the crowd and I definitely have my own mind, I just would never own up to someone enough to say it to their face! I will stand up for myself if there is no other way to avoid a confrontation but it upsets me greatly and I can never forget that feeling of unease caused by the confrontation - I'll often return to it in my mind. My daughter on the other hand who has AS currently gives no thought at all to what other people think of what she looks like etc. It doesn't occur to her that they are even looking. Sometimes I wish I were a little more like that.

 

As Soraya's son said

theres no such thing as normal, because everyone has their individual problems and needs

I also agree with everyone who said we all wear masks to some extent. As long as you have somewhere you can let your guard down and be yourself - with particular friends and family members or in your home etc - then I think it's easier to cope. The problem comes when you feel you have to wear your mask all day every day as that's just too mentally exhausting to keep up.

 

[kysanth]

I too thought I appeared "normal" to the outside world (despite being Diagnosed as ADHD at 3) I alternated between trying really hard and going completely bonkers! lol however I was quite shocked the other day when I met one of my sons consultants for the first time and less than five minutes in she commented that I was "textbook ADHD" - I had though I was doing so well too!

 

I think you should do whichever of the options will make you the happiest - what is right for one will not be right for another.

 

 

 

p.s well done for pursuing your education - you have my respect.