Relastionship help

[minime]

Hi All

I have been seeing this beautiful guy for a month and he has just told me he thinks he has AS. I bought a few books and totally agree with him. We are very sexually compatible and he has said that he isnt just doing it because he feels he has to (because I am lovely towards him) it is because he fancies me. But he still says it is difficult to identify how he really feels and what is learnt behaviour (he is in his late 30s).

 

Does anyone have any practical steps approaches to help me in this relationship to understand and develop it? I have started to email him on questions about the way he feels as I am finding that when we talk he will just go off at tangents or become foggy kind of drunk with his speech.

 

I really like him but am unsure as to how far to push things or not. I can now see how exauhsting it must be for him and why he has days were he just doesnt answer his phone. I am an emotonal person and its very difficult not knowing if he really likes me or not. Any feed back most appreciated.

 

Thanks mimime

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Very difficult, but I think they key is not to try and analyse how he may be feeling or keep asking how he feels. The chances are that he simply doesn't know (part and parcel of having AS is difficulty with social interaction and identifying feelings/expressions, etc). I know these are things which you want to know when in a relationship with a neurotypical person, but that's where I guess the main difference is. Great that you're both sexually compatible, however, I think if you can come to terms with the fact (early in the relationship) that the emotional stuff may be tricky, then that's good – ie acceptance that you may not have him telling you he loves you and he's happy, etc. I'm not saying give up on those things, but if you and your partner can discuss it as much as he's able to and try and define what you both want out of the relationship, expectations, etc that will help. I think if you have a good understanding of AS the relationship could be a long lasting one. (I've been married for 16 years to a great bloke. We have an 8 year old son who has AS and through the course of his diagnosis, two specialists have pointed out that they feel my husband also has AS. Certainly the more I found out about my son, I can see how alike they are and lots of things fit into place and I'm in full agreement with my son's consultants). It can be very difficult, but I think the key is acceptance. If you're able to do that, you could have an interesting, but wonderful future ahead of you both.

 

NB: There are some good books available - listed on the NAS website specifically about relationships.

 

Best wishes

 

Caroline.

[minime]

 

 

Hi Caroline

 

Thank you for the brilliant feedback. I understand that he may not know how he feels about me but he has been married twice and they have both left him for various reasons. So another question would be how did he know then that he was in Love with them enough to marry them? He said he was obsessed with both his previous partners which makes me feel that because he is not with me that is another reason why he doesnt know? Does that make sense? Can you identify with that reasoning?

Defining what we both want is a good start... something to think about cheers

Minime

 

Hi

 

Very difficult, but I think they key is not to try and analyse how he may be feeling or keep asking how he feels. The chances are that he simply doesn't know (part and parcel of having AS is difficulty with social interaction and identifying feelings/expressions, etc). I know these are things which you want to know when in a relationship with a neurotypical person, but that's where I guess the main difference is. Great that you're both sexually compatible, however, I think if you can come to terms with the fact (early in the relationship) that the emotional stuff may be tricky, then that's good – ie acceptance that you may not have him telling you he loves you and he's happy, etc. I'm not saying give up on those things, but if you and your partner can discuss it as much as he's able to and try and define what you both want out of the relationship, expectations, etc that will help. I think if you have a good understanding of AS the relationship could be a long lasting one. (I've been married for 16 years to a great bloke. We have an 8 year old son who has AS and through the course of his diagnosis, two specialists have pointed out that they feel my husband also has AS. Certainly the more I found out about my son, I can see how alike they are and lots of things fit into place and I'm in full agreement with my son's consultants). It can be very difficult, but I think the key is acceptance. If you're able to do that, you could have an interesting, but wonderful future ahead of you both.

 

NB: There are some good books available - listed on the NAS website specifically about relationships.

 

Best wishes

 

Caroline.

 

[justine1]

Hi

Welcome to the forum.I would say that anyone who has been married more than once could be hesitant about declaring their love for someone new.He may think that the same thing that happened with his ex wives will happen with you,so maybe he does know how he feels but doesnt want to say from fear of being hurt.

 

If he knows how you feel I guess all you can do is wait for him to say it to you as well.As for marriage,no offence but I wouldnt marry someone with that track record but thats just me.Do you live together?If not then maybe you could think of doing that first before making a commitment.

What would you do if he doesnt want the commitment or if he cannot tell you how he feels? Have you told him how you feel if this was to happen?

[Suze]

Try not to base too much of this on AS , wether he has it or not could be irrevelant anyhow, hes been married twice and could be a little cautious.I would throw any ideas of AS out the window and look at him as the whole person he is, accepting him for who he is , is all you need to do.From friendship can come love , its been as month, relax and have fun and goodtimes together, and try not to analyse, ..........and welcome to the forum

[baddad]

He said he was obsessed with both his previous partners which makes me feel that because he is not with me that is another reason why he doesnt know? Does that make sense? Can you identify with that reasoning?

Defining what we both want is a good start... something to think about cheers

Minime

 

Hi minime - Hope you don't mind me saying (as you've asked people if they can identify with it i'm guessing, it's okay?) but I find the above a bit worrying. If he was 'obsessive' about his other relationships, that's unhealthy. Nothing to do with AS necessarily, but definitely unhealthy. If you feel threatened by the fact that he doesn't obsess about you, that he must think less of you because he doesn't obsess, that's pretty unhealthy too...

If he's working hard not to be obsessive - and by this I'm guessing you mean, controlling, mistrustful, jealous, demanding etc etc that's actually a good thing (and again, BTW non of those things are 'symptoms' of autism if that's been colouring your thinking) - then that's got to be a good thing, but I think, genuinely, in most cases those kinds of psychological factors need professional input to resolve.

Again, I will reiterate that none of those things have anything to do with autism, but most people who have found themselves in obssessive relationships will tell you that they are not like that in the begining - during the honeymoon period - but evolve into that as other interests outside of the relationship start to exert themselves.

 

Sorry if they are not things you want (particularly at the begining of a relationship) to hear, but i think probably they are things that should be thought about, and should also not be linked with 'autism' and/or then seen as something that has to be lived with or accommodated.

 

Hope that's helpful

 

L&P

 

BD

[Tally]

Hi mimime, and welcome to the forum.

 

It does sound like you already have a good relationship with your boyfriend. He says he likes you as a person and also sexually. I would be inclined to believe him.

 

If you have only been together for a month and he has two failed relationships behind him, then I think it is completely normal for him to be unsure about his feelings and have difficulty discussing his emotions with you.

[minime]

Hi L&P

Totally get what your saying and thanks for the honesty and openness. One of the things I have read about AS for example was him wanting the person to wear particular cloths so yes controlling. So yes it has been colouring my thinking I thought it was part of the symptoms.

 

Hi minime - Hope you don't mind me saying (as you've asked people if they can identify with it i'm guessing, it's okay?) but I find the above a bit worrying. If he was 'obsessive' about his other relationships, that's unhealthy. Nothing to do with AS necessarily, but definitely unhealthy. If you feel threatened by the fact that he doesn't obsess about you, that he must think less of you because he doesn't obsess, that's pretty unhealthy too...

If he's working hard not to be obsessive - and by this I'm guessing you mean, controlling, mistrustful, jealous, demanding etc etc that's actually a good thing (and again, BTW non of those things are 'symptoms' of autism if that's been colouring your thinking) - then that's got to be a good thing, but I think, genuinely, in most cases those kinds of psychological factors need professional input to resolve.

Again, I will reiterate that none of those things have anything to do with autism, but most people who have found themselves in obssessive relationships will tell you that they are not like that in the begining - during the honeymoon period - but evolve into that as other interests outside of the relationship start to exert themselves.

 

Sorry if they are not things you want (particularly at the begining of a relationship) to hear, but i think probably they are things that should be thought about, and should also not be linked with 'autism' and/or then seen as something that has to be lived with or accommodated.

 

Hope that's helpful

 

L&P

 

BD

 

[minime]

Hi

This is all great feedback thank you. His first wife cheated and left him for someone else who had lots of money. His second wife finally told him that she didnt actually find him physically attractive an she had her own issues with sex. So I agree in principle I wouldnt normally touch it with a barge pool either. No we dont live together but I have spent a lot of long weekends and weeks with him so I have seen alot. I have asked him if he was able to tell his prev wifes that he loved them and he has said yes. Whether or not that would apply to me or not I dont know but at least I feel like he is able to say it. You have given me some great questions to ask him. At this stage I am open to learning and trying to understand how I actuall feel and my motives

Hi

Welcome to the forum.I would say that anyone who has been married more than once could be hesitant about declaring their love for someone new.He may think that the same thing that happened with his ex wives will happen with you,so maybe he does know how he feels but doesnt want to say from fear of being hurt.

 

If he knows how you feel I guess all you can do is wait for him to say it to you as well.As for marriage,no offence but I wouldnt marry someone with that track record but thats just me.Do you live together?If not then maybe you could think of doing that first before making a commitment.

What would you do if he doesnt want the commitment or if he cannot tell you how he feels? Have you told him how you feel if this was to happen?

 

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Hope I don't confuse you further, but I agree with some of other people's comments in part.

 

Firstly, whilst I don't think that controlling behaviour is strictly directly attributable to one having AS, I do think that some people with AS can be obsessive, dictatorial and controlling just like NTs. However, I share the same belief as my son's specialist consultant that this type of behaviour can also be more about wanting to be in control to prevent anxiety – for example, not being in control and knowing what's going to happen when can induce a great deal of anxiety, whereas being in control and knowing what's going to happen when can make that person feel calm. Certainly my son can be incredibly dictatorial and controlling which has caused no end of problems. It's also been recognised by specialists that he suffers from extreme anxiety which is part and parcel of his disorder (at the risk of causing offence, just to clarify, I'm not for a second suggesting that everyone with AS suffers from extreme anxiety and is obsessive, dictatorial and controlling). So, I guess I'm saying that it's important to work out why the individual is being controlling, etc – in order to prevent anxiety or for some other much more unhealthy reason?

 

As I said in my first post, I think acceptance is key. Your partner is who he is. However, whilst I agree with Suze on that point, I think whether or not your partner has AS is very relevant. To illustrate, I think if I were babysitting two children (knowing that one was NT and the other AS) separately who were behaving badly, my viewpoint, approach/management strategy would be different because AS affects how one makes sense of the world, interacts with others, communicates, etc. Either way, it's not okay to behave in that way, but AS provides a reason as opposed to an excuse - a world of difference between the two. So, I do think it's a very relevant factor. We all have our idiosyncrasies or funny little ways, so acceptance of these (AS or otherwise) can factor in a big way to compatibility.

 

I think the best you can do is to try not to rush things, get to know him as well as you can, learn about AS in case your partner has it and just see what happens.

 

Caroline.

[minime]

Hi Caroline

Thanks again for your thoughts. I do feel I accept him for who he is in most respects however I think we may have issues with his OCD. I am assuming that it is to reduce anxiety from what I have read and observed and spoken about with him. I am a freespirit and although I like things clean an tidy I feel there are some things I would have to understand before I could live with it. Something that has come up for example was cooking he tells me what to do which bowl would be the best one to use etc. I ended up saying to him that if he was going to tell me how to do it then why didnt he just do it which was what happened we did laugh about it, this was all before I began to read up on it. If things like that come up again would it be good to ask him if his reason was that it makes him anxious?

 

Minime

 

Re:

"However, I share the same belief as my son's specialist consultant that this type of behaviour can also be more about wanting to be in control to prevent anxiety – for example, not being in control and knowing what's going to happen when can induce a great deal of anxiety, whereas being in control and knowing what's going to happen when can make that person feel calm. So, I guess I'm saying that it's important to work out why the individual is being controlling, etc – in order to prevent anxiety or for some other much more unhealthy reason?

 

As I said in my first post, I think acceptance is key."

Edited April 29, 2010 by minime

[cmuir]

Hi Caroline

Thanks again for your thoughts. I do feel I accept him for who he is in most respects however I think we may have issues with his OCD. I am assuming that it is to reduce anxiety from what I have read and observed and spoken about with him. I am a freespirit and although I like things clean an tidy I feel there are some things I would have to understand before I could live with it. Something that has come up for example was cooking he tells me what to do which bowl would be the best one to use etc. I ended up saying to him that if he was going to tell me how to do it then why didnt he just do it which was what happened we did laugh about it, this was all before I began to read up on it. If things like that come up again would it be good to ask him if his reason was that it makes him anxious?

 

Minime

 

 

Hi

 

Not sure I'm afraid. Some of it can be about control, some of it anxiety generally. Problem is with asking is that he might not know what he's feeling or why. I think as long as you have some understanding of what possible issues and causes may be generally then that's good. I used to try and analyse my son's behaviour and the truth is I don't think there's an answer for everything. For instance, I recall reading 'The curious incident of the dog in the night' whereby Christopher talks about how four red cars parked in a row mean it's going to be a bad day. I'm sure that was logical to Christopher, but I fail to see the logic. So, I guess I'm saying whilst it's good to consider what might be part of his personality and what might be attribute in part to AS, that you don't always end up with answers.

 

Caroline.

[minime]

Hi

So, I guess I'm saying whilst it's good to consider what might be part of his personality and what might be attribute in part to AS, that you don't always end up with answers.

 

Caroline.

 

 

I hear what you are saying and the key being acceptance in all of this. He did say that if we got a hse together it would be different and as I was cooking in his hse he felt that I should do it his way. We shall see .

[minime]

To illustrate, I think if I were babysitting two children (knowing that one was NT and the other AS) separately who were behaving badly, my viewpoint, approach/management strategy would be different because AS affects how one makes sense of the world, interacts with others, communicates, etc. Either way, it's not okay to behave in that way, but AS provides a reason as opposed to an excuse - a world of difference between the two.

 

Caroline.

 

Hi Caroline

So in this situation how would your approach be different what would you actually do in real terms with an AS child compared with an NT child? Thanks

[cmuir]

Hi Caroline

So in this situation how would your approach be different what would you actually do in real terms with an AS child compared with an NT child? Thanks

 

 

Autism and ASDs is a neurological disorder which can affect how one views the world, communicates with others, interacts, etc etc. On various courses that I've attended, I was told that people with an ASD process visual information much better than verbal information and it can take them on average 6 seconds to process what's being said to them. So, whilst the goal might be the same, I'd take a slightly different approach. The behaving badly example perhaps isn't such a great one – a much better example on having a slightly different approach to achieve the same outcome would probably be the following scenario ... if I wanted my son to get his socks, shoes and coat on and get into the car, rather than say 'come on son, time to get your socks and shoes on then your jacket and then once you've done that out the door and get into the car. That's a perfectly normal instruction to give to an NT child. However, to an AS child (my son included), I'd say 'socks and shoes on', pause then 'jacket on', pause, get into the car'. An AS child can't process long-winded commands as it often adds confusion and anxiety making the whole process a much longer one. I know that's in very simplistic terms, but whilst I'd likely in essence say the same, I'd say it slightly differently. I'm not great at explaining things, but it's about how one processes information, hence the reason a different approach is required.

 

Caroline.

[justine1]

Autism and ASDs is a neurological disorder which can affect how one views the world, communicates with others, interacts, etc etc. On various courses that I've attended, I was told that people with an ASD process visual information much better than verbal information and it can take them on average 6 seconds to process what's being said to them. So, whilst the goal might be the same, I'd take a slightly different approach. The behaving badly example perhaps isn't such a great one – a much better example on having a slightly different approach to achieve the same outcome would probably be the following scenario ... if I wanted my son to get his socks, shoes and coat on and get into the car, rather than say 'come on son, time to get your socks and shoes on then your jacket and then once you've done that out the door and get into the car. That's a perfectly normal instruction to give to an NT child. However, to an AS child (my son included), I'd say 'socks and shoes on', pause then 'jacket on', pause, get into the car'. An AS child can't process long-winded commands as it often adds confusion and anxiety making the whole process a much longer one. I know that's in very simplistic terms, but whilst I'd likely in essence say the same, I'd say it slightly differently. I'm not great at explaining things, but it's about how one processes information, hence the reason a different approach is required.

 

Caroline.

Thats right,and using Carolines example my son actually needs everything laid out in front of him,the shoes and socks will need to be in front of him,shoes must be placed in correct "order"(left and right near his feet) otherwise he will put them on the wrong feet and socks need to be turned the right way as he hates things being inside out.He will also need to be told how long he has,we use an egg timer,otherwise he could be sitting there the whole day!He needs much more time than my NT son to do tasks and over the four years I have had learn and adjust to his needs.For example it takes my NT son 10-15min to bath and brush his teeth,it takes Sam 30-35min to do the same tasks,it is quicker for me to do it but he has alot of independence so I rather wake up 30min earlier so he can do it himself.

[baddad]

Thats right,and using Carolines example my son actually needs everything laid out in front of him,the shoes and socks will need to be in front of him,shoes must be placed in correct "order"(left and right near his feet) otherwise he will put them on the wrong feet and socks need to be turned the right way as he hates things being inside out.He will also need to be told how long he has,we use an egg timer,otherwise he could be sitting there the whole day!He needs much more time than my NT son to do tasks and over the four years I have had learn and adjust to his needs.For example it takes my NT son 10-15min to bath and brush his teeth,it takes Sam 30-35min to do the same tasks,it is quicker for me to do it but he has alot of independence so I rather wake up 30min earlier so he can do it himself.

 

 

Don't forget, though, these posts are about AS kids. Adults who have managed these things throughout their adult lives won't suddenly find themselves unable to do them any more because they suspect they might have AS.

 

L&P

 

BD

[justine1]

Don't forget, though, these posts are about AS kids. Adults who have managed these things throughout their adult lives won't suddenly find themselves unable to do them any more because they suspect they might have AS.

 

L&P

 

BD

Exactly

[cmuir]

Don't forget, though, these posts are about AS kids. Adults who have managed these things throughout their adult lives won't suddenly find themselves unable to do them any more because they suspect they might have AS.

 

L&P

 

BD

 

 

Absolutely, however before others jump on the bandwagon I was merely trying to illustrate a very relevant point in simplistic terms which can apply to both children and adults. The point being that that firing questions to an adult about a relationship may be fruitless or very difficult because of the nature of the disorder ie issues with processing verbal information, difficulties identifying feelings, etc etc.

 

Caroline.

Edited May 1, 2010 by cmuir

[minime]

Absolutely, however before others jump on the bandwagon I was merely trying to illustrate a very relevant point in simplistic terms which can apply to both children and adults. The point being that that firing questions to an adult about a relationship may be fruitless or very difficult because of the nature of the disorder ie issues with processing verbal information, difficulties identifying feelings, etc etc.

 

Caroline.

 

Hi Caroline

Thanks for all of that very helpful. I have started to email instead and it has proved a better way of communicating with his feelings. One of the other things that has come up is that his poor time management is due to the need he has at being angry with himself. Any thoughts? I have bought a book on CBT he has tried it but not found it very useful. He feels like some of the therapy is insulting his inteligence

[zenemu]

I will add one point to this thread. It was mentioned early on by Cmuir (Caroline), that a large part of AS is that identifying feelings can be a tricky business, and that is perfectly true, but I will add that occasionally with AS emotions can be incredibly intense very overwelming as people with AS generally don't have the natural tools to temper / moderate them. In short, sometimes his emotional responses may seem a little out of proportion given the situation. I have learned that it is something I am often guilty of and it can be a bit humiliating sometimes which makes it worse (ever decreasing circles ect.). Just something to bear in mind.

 

Zen

[minime]

I will add one point to this thread. It was mentioned early on by Cmuir (Caroline), that a large part of AS is that identifying feelings can be a tricky business, and that is perfectly true, but I will add that occasionally with AS emotions can be incredibly intense very overwelming as people with AS generally don't have the natural tools to temper / moderate them. In short, sometimes his emotional responses may seem a little out of proportion given the situation. I have learned that it is something I am often guilty of and it can be a bit humiliating sometimes which makes it worse (ever decreasing circles ect.). Just something to bear in mind.

 

Zen

 

Thanks for that insight. Its the kind of stuff I am looking for. Relating the defintitions to actual senarios makes it easier for me to try and understand the complexities of what is actually going on.