Teen denies he has Aspergers

[womble]

My son had a diagnosis of Asperger at 15 and is now 16 and leaving school to go to the local FE college.

He has got a place on the BTEC Art level 3. He has been in mainstream and had a reduced timetable with a LSA for 10 hour a week.

He says he has not got Aspergers and he will be fine in college.

Has anyone any ideas how i can get across to him that he will need some support even if it is only the discreet support that can be offered. He has a learning plan from the careers (Wales, no Connexions advisers here). Any ideas?

I thought i would go to college and talk over with the support people about this?

[Kathryn]

Difficult one, and I've battled with this issue too as a parent, so I sympathise!

 

The problem is that even when the need is clearly detailed and has a label attached, it's often left to the young person to decide when they need the support, what they actually need and to take the initiative in asking for it. They aren't always equipped to do this, for the very reason that they need the support in the first place! And because the young person is over 16 the parents advice may not be sought by the college - or only reluctantly. That's been my experience anyway.

 

Was the college and your son closely involved in drawing up his support plan? (Not sure how it works in Wales.) I think a discreet word with the support staff might be a good idea, and put something in writing too, even if you have a meeting. You could make them aware of the kind of help he's needed in the past, and how to recognise the signs that he is struggling and might need help. It's important that they recognise that he may not want to ask for help and they need to be guided by him when deciding how much/what kind of support to give and when to give it. For starters, a regular weekly session with a personal mentor just to talk about how things are going might be a good way for the college to monitor how he's doing without overwhelming him.

 

Obviously your son should be fully involved in deciding what support he might need. Try and take the focus off the label of AS, and discuss specific things that might cause him difficulty, e.g. with meeting deadlines, taking notes, coping with the student cafeteria, etc. Then talk about what support might be helpful. Emphasise that all students at some point need support and it's there if he needs it.

 

I wish him the best of luck next year!

 

K x

[womble]

Thanks for that. yes he doesn't realise that he has support now and that he will need that in order for college to go ok. But by focusing on where exactly he will need help rather than the ASD he may see things differently.

 

The Careers Wales officer has drawn up a learning and support plan and my son did sign this in school when we went to see her last year (i asked for a chat).

 

The college have said that they usually sort students out after the initial week, which is not ok for an ASD student at all, he will get too anxious at the last minute over stuff. This is maybe ok for students going from the local special school, but my son has to even get to college, which will be a feat in itself!

 

Thanks you for your thoughts, very helpful.

 

 

 

 

[Kathryn]

The first few days are important to get right - if he starts off feeling secure he can build on that, but if he's stressed in the beginning it may set up negative feelings which are difficult to erase.

 

I think it's important to identify very early on, ideally before he starts, a named person and place he can go to at any time if he needs help, or just a quiet space to gather himself together if he's stressed.

 

K x

 

 

[Feather]

I agree with what Kathyrn has written. My son is in exactly the same situation, with a reduced timetable, etc. His school don't even liase with the college. I spoke to the learning support dept at the college, who put me in touch with the person that gives support for ASD students. Myself and my son went to meet him, and they were really nice, and said they still take into account everything listed on the statement, and discussed the support he will need. We have also spoken to the tutor for the course, about the help my son will need. Thay also showed him around the college, and the dept he will be going into. The way the college put it was that they would rather know about his ASD and the support he needs now, than he has serious problems on the course, and they might not know why. My son is still quite reluctant about the support, but he is more open to it after these meetings. It has also been explained to him that support is in the classes anyway, for other students who might need to access it. I feel quite positive about it all and so does my son, and we are hoping it is a fresh start, and an exciting new career for him.

[Mandapanda]

Hi

 

Firstly don't panic!

 

My son got extra time in his GCSEs. However he has refused all offers of help at college. He was supposed to go to Student Support to be assessed for dyslexia etc, but he went once (without telling me) and because he would have to go for half an hour a week for six weeks, he decided not to do it (he didn't want to give up 'his' time). I only found out later. I tried really hard to persuade him. A friend suggested I point out that he wears glasses because he's short sighted and any support he gets might help him, but he just said "I can't improve my eyesight" - in other words he can improve his writing and quantity/quality of writing himself.

 

He has just received his results. At AS level he got 3 Ds and a C, and in his retake of English GCSE he got an A (he got a D last year). This means he can carry on to A2 level and start English AS. I can't see me getting him to Student Support now!! I do believe he just needs longer to achieve what he wants, ie 3 or 4 years at college not 2. Obviously it depends on your son's personality and attitude, but when they set their minds to something they can often do it. At the end of the day it is better if they learn to sink or swim on their own now, rather than when they are out in the workplace. If that means my son is in education for longer then that is fine by me, it is very important to step back as your child gets older so they learn these lessons (as hard as that is).

 

I would suggest seeing how he gets on in his first year - no doubt the tutors will call you in if they have specific concerns and you can all discuss it with him.

 

Best wishes to you both.

[soundartist]

I went through the whole of my education right up to second year university experiencing difficulties that I did not share with anyone. Most of these stemmed from general confusion in social situations and feeling very tired from putting all my energy into dealing with things in day to day life that most people find so easy they don't even think about it. I was always labeled as a "must try harder" or "could do better" student and frankly I wasn't bothered because it made my life easier if people assumed I wasn't going to put the effort in. They had no idea what my real interests were or what I was really like.

 

It was only by the time I got to university when it became apparent that I was having difficulties. I was studying a subject I was passionate about near to the point of obsession and doing well at it became the most important thing to me. I was terrified of using the phone and making contact in general, I had problems with organization and concentration and found it impossible to approach my tutors. The stress I was feeling but covering up, pretending I was doing fine like everyone else, started to show and obviously I was the first to notice and tried harder to look like nothing was wrong. I started feeling very tired and developed some tics (screwing my eyes up, trembling knee, urges to shout things or sing what I'm doing, touching my ears) and began showing some obsessive behavior where I was trying to control things to put some order and predictability into my life. I would get very upset with change and often go into what appeared to be tantrums or fits of rage that were actually outbursts of frustration and energy that felt like I was a robot malfunctioning because it can't compute the information. This escalted to full-on panic attacks and meltdowns and spending a lot of time on my own.

 

In my second year at the recommendation of a concerned tutor I went to student services who did the usual tests for learning difficulties and it turned out I had Dyslexia and Dyspraxia along with high intelligence and excellent verbal ability. The examiner also suspected I had Aspergers and put me in touch with a man from the National Autistic Society who was not a support worker that followed me around and sat with me in the cafe or any other embarrassing situation you might imagine. His job was an Aspergers Mentor and I went see him at his office in the Student Support building once a week and talk about whatever I wanted, and I was not the only student who went to see him. He could advise me on the problems I was having or give me a useful website to look at or just chat about my interests. I learned that a lot of my behavior and problems are classic Aspie but my personality is all me and some of my behaviors are part of that and in a way I was more relaxed from just chatting to someone who knew what was going on in my world. I still have all the problems (and more) I have mentioned but I am able to identify what causes them rather than deny them or try to cover them up by acting normal. I also learned that we make brilliant students. This combined with support for my Dyslexia- I was given a bit of extra time to hand in essays, complete assignments and return library books though I declined a support tutor for this because I preferred to study on my own and the extra time was enough to get things done- I graduated with a First Class Honors degree.

 

Denial is understandable. Having a 'label' like Aspergers attached to you can feel a bit pathetic or like someone is saying your personality is the symptoms of a disorder but it can also be useful to help get appropriate support and explain to others why you find some things difficult that might seem obvious to most people. I suppose my point is that trying to disguise being an Aspie or ignore it and hope you can cope can become very stressful especially when you are putting your energy into studying. Accepting help is a step towards finding it easier to live with and not letting it stifle your potential. But it is not something that is easy to accept as it could open up a whole new world of possibilities and as we know Aspies do not like change.

[Karen A]

I went through the whole of my education right up to second year university experiencing difficulties that I did not share with anyone. Most of these stemmed from general confusion in social situations and feeling very tired from putting all my energy into dealing with things in day to day life that most people find so easy they don't even think about it. I was always labeled as a "must try harder" or "could do better" student and frankly I wasn't bothered because it made my life easier if people assumed I wasn't going to put the effort in. They had no idea what my real interests were or what I was really like.

 

It was only by the time I got to university when it became apparent that I was having difficulties. I was studying a subject I was passionate about near to the point of obsession and doing well at it became the most important thing to me. I was terrified of using the phone and making contact in general, I had problems with organization and concentration and found it impossible to approach my tutors. The stress I was feeling but covering up, pretending I was doing fine like everyone else, started to show and obviously I was the first to notice and tried harder to look like nothing was wrong. I started feeling very tired and developed some tics (screwing my eyes up, trembling knee, urges to shout things or sing what I'm doing, touching my ears) and began showing some obsessive behavior where I was trying to control things to put some order and predictability into my life. I would get very upset with change and often go into what appeared to be tantrums or fits of rage that were actually outbursts of frustration and energy that felt like I was a robot malfunctioning because it can't compute the information. This escalted to full-on panic attacks and meltdowns and spending a lot of time on my own.

 

In my second year at the recommendation of a concerned tutor I went to student services who did the usual tests for learning difficulties and it turned out I had Dyslexia and Dyspraxia along with high intelligence and excellent verbal ability. The examiner also suspected I had Aspergers and put me in touch with a man from the National Autistic Society who was not a support worker that followed me around and sat with me in the cafe or any other embarrassing situation you might imagine. His job was an Aspergers Mentor and I went see him at his office in the Student Support building once a week and talk about whatever I wanted, and I was not the only student who went to see him. He could advise me on the problems I was having or give me a useful website to look at or just chat about my interests. I learned that a lot of my behavior and problems are classic Aspie but my personality is all me and some of my behaviors are part of that and in a way I was more relaxed from just chatting to someone who knew what was going on in my world. I still have all the problems (and more) I have mentioned but I am able to identify what causes them rather than deny them or try to cover them up by acting normal. I also learned that we make brilliant students. This combined with support for my Dyslexia- I was given a bit of extra time to hand in essays, complete assignments and return library books though I declined a support tutor for this because I preferred to study on my own and the extra time was enough to get things done- I graduated with a First Class Honors degree.

 

Denial is understandable. Having a 'label' like Aspergers attached to you can feel a bit pathetic or like someone is saying your personality is the symptoms of a disorder but it can also be useful to help get appropriate support and explain to others why you find some things difficult that might seem obvious to most people. I suppose my point is that trying to disguise being an Aspie or ignore it and hope you can cope can become very stressful especially when you are putting your energy into studying. Accepting help is a step towards finding it easier to live with and not letting it stifle your potential. But it is not something that is easy to accept as it could open up a whole new world of possibilities and as we know Aspies do not like change.

 

 

Thankyou very much for posting your experiences.

I see it is your first post so Welcome to the Forum too.

 

I have a son Ben who is 12.He has AS but is also very bright.He may well want to go to university one day.It is really positive to know that university were willing and able to provide support for you that worked.

Also that you graduated with a First class Honours degree.

Karen.

[Mandapanda]

Arrrggghhh! I accidentally clicked the minus sign on soundartist's post, and now it won't let me change it. I didn't mean to. It is a brilliant post and very interesting to me as my son is looking at going to university and also not wanting any help at the moment.

 

Can somebody please sort this out, thanks.

[Kathryn]

I think I've sorted it Mandapanda- can't get used to all these new superfluous buttons!

 

Soundartist, thanks for sharing that and hope to hear lots more from you on the forum. My daughter hopes to go to university next year but she struggles with asking for support so your post was really helpful to me as well. It's encouraging to know that universities can and do offer the right support to help students fulfil their potential.

 

Womble - hope it's a smooth start for your son at college this year.

 

K x