Daughter - could this be Aspergers?

[Mikah]

My daughter is in her second year at university. She is intelligent and articulate and after a dodgy start is now settled into Uni and doing well. However there have always been certain aspects of her personality which have been a little 'unusual' (please don't take offence at this word - I am struggling for the correct word). For example:

 

i) as long as i can remember she has always had some 'obsession' - although the subject of the obsession can change once or twice per year. Whatever the subject happens to be she will talk about it ad nauseum and seems oblivious to the fact that she may be boring others.

 

ii) she has had friends, but never many. This does seem to have improved since she went to Uni (she now lives away from home at Uni). But even with friends she seems to like to see them in 'small doses'. I suspect she has never initiated the friendship.

 

iii) Conversations with her can be hard work. She is happy to talk 'at' us (her parents) but finds small talk almost impossible. She is always defensive - it is very hard to suggest anything to her.

 

iv) She rarely (in fact almost never) shows any affection to myself or my wife.

 

v) She often says very hurtful things to us - although I am convinced she is unaware of the effect her words can have. We rarely pick her up on this - but if we do she can be shocked and really upset that we have found her words hurtful.

 

 

She doesn't drink (teetotal), smoke or take drugs. For the most part she is a delight and we are extremely proud of her.

 

However for some while now we have felt that there was something a little 'different' about her. Having read various articles on Aspergers a lot of it does seem very familiar.

 

I just wanted to ask for opinions from others.

 

 

 

 

 

[trekster]

My daughter is in her second year at university. She is intelligent and articulate and after a dodgy start is now settled into Uni and doing well. However there have always been certain aspects of her personality which have been a little 'unusual' (please don't take offence at this word - I am struggling for the correct word). For example:

 

i) as long as i can remember she has always had some 'obsession' - although the subject of the obsession can change once or twice per year. Whatever the subject happens to be she will talk about it ad nauseum and seems oblivious to the fact that she may be boring others.

 

This does sound like aspergers, for me my obsessions don't change but in the past i wasn't aware of when i was boring others,.

ii) she has had friends, but never many. This does seem to have improved since she went to Uni (she now lives away from home at Uni). But even with friends she seems to like to see them in 'small doses'. I suspect she has never initiated the friendship.

 

i prefer my own company at times, does she frequently fall out with them? or call their behaviour stupid when in fact it was a reaction to her behaviour?

iii) Conversations with her can be hard work. She is happy to talk 'at' us (her parents) but finds small talk almost impossible. She is always defensive - it is very hard to suggest anything to her.

 

i used to be like this as well, still trying to master small talk.

iv) She rarely (in fact almost never) shows any affection to myself or my wife.

 

Im the opposite and can be over the top with affection (i hope thats not the case with praise though).

v) She often says very hurtful things to us - although I am convinced she is unaware of the effect her words can have. We rarely pick her up on this - but if we do she can be shocked and really upset that we have found her words hurtful.

 

Ah the implied meanings problem, ive had major issues with that which others find difficult to take me seriously on because my level of functioning is so variable.

She doesn't drink (teetotal), smoke or take drugs. For the most part she is a delight and we are extremely proud of her.

 

However for some while now we have felt that there was something a little 'different' about her. Having read various articles on Aspergers a lot of it does seem very familiar.

 

I just wanted to ask for opinions from others.

 

Could you email the disability officer anonymously and ask them what they would do? Have you shown her any literature on aspergers? (how to be yourself in a world thats different) seems the least confrontational that i can think of.

 

What about joining your local parents support group at the NAS?

 

[Mikah]

Thank you very much for your reply it is very much appreciated.

 

At the moment I am simply 'thinking aloud' I guess. I am not sure what action (if indeed any) I will take - she is after all coping very well now at Uni and, I am pleased to say, making a wider circle of friends than she has ever had. It is just that I have had this niggling feeling for probably ten years now - the feeling that something was 'different'.

 

The obsessions are the most pronounced aspect of this - there hasn't been a single day over the last ten years when there hasn't been a 'current' obsession. Curiously as soon as a new obsession emerges the old one is consigned to the rubbish bin and never discussed again.

 

Conversations never feel entirely 'natural' - it is as if she has a strict agenda and only wishes to discuss items on that agenda. Any attempt to stray from that agenda is quickly stamped upon.

 

She doesn't appear to fall out with friends and if anything is probably quite protective to them. However she certainly does, and always has, enjoy her own company.

 

I suppose for the moment I am just trying to find out more about Aspergers in order to see if it fits with what we see.

 

Any other traits that I might look out for would be very helpful.

Edited June 14, 2010 by Mikah

[Tally]

Hi Mikah, and welcome to the forum.

 

I was diagnosed with Asperger's about 3 years ago now, when I was 25.

 

It does sound like Asperger's is a possibility, especially considering her differences have been apparent for some time - Asperger's is a lifelong condition, whereas if this was new then it would more likely be a psychological condition. People with Asperger's can have difficulty adapting to a change in routine and with making new friends, and her difficulties starting at university might well be related to this. However, leaving home for the first time has got to be a difficult experience for anybody. Certainly the difficulties you have highlighted in holding conversations and not realising when another person is bored or hurt by what she is saying are typical of Asperger's.

 

I did not go to university myself, but from other people, I understand that universities can be a place where people are more accepting of difference. In any new situation though, it's always possible to stumble across a group of people who are more tolerant of difference than those you have met before. If she is coping well and has settled into university, it may simply be that she has met a group of people who are more willing to accept her the way she is. That's all well and good, but she may struggle again when she leaves university and finds herself in new situations in the future.

 

I would say that picking her up when she says something hurtful is actually a good idea, as long as it is handled sensitively. If she does not know there is a problem, then she can't even begin to start working on finding alternative ways to talk to people. It might also highlight to her that there is an issue worth investigating and could be a good way to introduce the possibility of Asperger's to her.

 

A book I would recommend is Tony Attwood's The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome. It covers both adults and children and may highlight issues your daughter is facing now, and possibly shed light on things you noticed when she was a child.

 

Getting a diagnosis for an adult with Asperger's can be extremely difficult. Given your daughter is coping so well, it might not be seen as financially worthwhile for the NHS to assess her. However, universities will sometimes fund private assessments for students who may be struggling due to undiagnosed Asperger's. If she does want a formal diagnosis, it could be well worth her while seeking assessment now, while she is still at university.

[trekster]

Totally agree with what Tally has said here, i think some students have been assessed for aspergers whilst claiming disabled students allowance.

This allowance enables disabled students to pay for a mentor or a non medical helper to help them with their university work. It can also entitle you

to computer and other electronic equipment to help you on your course. ive been to uni twice so ive got 2 pcs one im typing this on now as im currently

studying for a BPhil using distance education at the uni of birmingham.

 

Wondering if the "education" part of this forum would be able to help further?

Edited June 15, 2010 by trekster

[Mikah]

She has never actually raised the subject of AS. Although in years gone by I do recall her saying she thought 'something was wrong with her'. Specifically in reference to the inability to make friends.

 

I don't plan on mentioning AS to her at the moment because I am afraid it might do more than good as she is probably happier now than she has been for years and certainly has the widest range of friends she has ever had.

 

However having spent a few days reading up on the subject and reading forums like this one it now seems so blatantly obvious to me - I wonder why it never occurred to me before. I have lost track of the number of different issues I have seen raised on this and other forums which describe her experience exactly.

 

If nothing else this has left me with a far better understanding of why she behaves like she does. Hopefully this will help me and her mother be more tolerant and understanding.

 

If things turn for the worse in the future I may raise the subject of AS with her.

 

 

 

[trekster]

She has never actually raised the subject of AS. Although in years gone by I do recall her saying she thought 'something was wrong with her'. Specifically in reference to the inability to make friends.

 

I don't plan on mentioning AS to her at the moment because I am afraid it might do more than good as she is probably happier now than she has been for years and certainly has the widest range of friends she has ever had.

 

However having spent a few days reading up on the subject and reading forums like this one it now seems so blatantly obvious to me - I wonder why it never occurred to me before. I have lost track of the number of different issues I have seen raised on this and other forums which describe her experience exactly.

 

If nothing else this has left me with a far better understanding of why she behaves like she does. Hopefully this will help me and her mother be more tolerant and understanding.

 

If things turn for the worse in the future I may raise the subject of AS with her.

 

If you do feel the need to raise the issue do it from the "problems making friends and understanding people" approach.

You are doing now what any concerned parent would trying to find out the cause of your daughters past distress in order to help her.

Keep up the good work and feel free to pm me with specific things she might do. There are a few books on aspergers and females

that could interest you "aspergers and girls" is one which has some case studies on things that can be troublesome to female

autistics in particular (the pressure on society to be sociable adults for example).

 

Also consider joining your local parents support group, you dont need a diagnosis in order to qualify for this and can connect with many parents in your area.

[Mikah]

If you do feel the need to raise the issue do it from the "problems making friends and understanding people" approach.

You are doing now what any concerned parent would trying to find out the cause of your daughters past distress in order to help her.

Keep up the good work and feel free to pm me with specific things she might do. There are a few books on aspergers and females

that could interest you "aspergers and girls" is one which has some case studies on things that can be troublesome to female

autistics in particular (the pressure on society to be sociable adults for example).

 

Also consider joining your local parents support group, you dont need a diagnosis in order to qualify for this and can connect with many parents in your area.

 

Thank you very much for the advice and the offer of help.

 

Should the need arise (and I suspect it might) in the future I may well be in touch.

Edited June 15, 2010 by Mikah