My ex relationship... not a good story

[Bluesbreaker]

Hey all,

 

Like i just mentioned in another thread, i have been through hell and back with a girl and its been nearly two months since we had a big bust up and we never spoke to each other again.

 

I had been out with this girl three times, something i would regret doing.

 

each and everytime she weedled into me just to get what she wanted out of me, something which i woke up too on the third occassion and i said enough is enough. Now this girl seems to be mentally pressurised dare i say it, although there is a lot going on in the family, of which for their sake i will not disclose ALL details just in case the devils find me on here.... anyway lets say one of her parents has got a terminal illness and even with treatment is not expect to live longer than ten years, in their opinion (not the doctors, so in my books i think its five or less). anyway i took this into account and treated her accordingly.

 

However, we fell out again, on the last occasion, because she would not agree to letting me go home straight away fro college to study, now to be fair, she was yr 11 im year 13 and in my books my a levels are a darn sight more important than her GCSE's i have promises to fulfil for universities.

 

anyway, it resulted in her vandalising my bike and she let air out of my tyres, me and many other witnessed this, i stormed out to her but i was as calm as could be, i said 'please don't end it like this we are both adult enough not to resort to this type of behaviour please stop touching and harming my bike' She gets up, stares me for 5 seconds and belts me one in the jaw, needless to say i did a return favour with a thump on the head, which was not a serious punch, it was like a thonk on the head like a whack a mole game... anyway after that we recovered started talking again for a week, went out for a week, then split then spoke for a week and parted ways permanently........

 

now im single and b****y hate it....... no one to talk to, or love....... then i feel ashamed to say it but everytime i see my mates with girlfriend/boyfriends it makes me jealous and mad, which is truly pathetic i know, but why the heck is it me who gets the bad apples????

 

i even went out my way to explain to people that i had Aspergers' and sometimes this does no justice

 

either way everyone can take experiance away from this

[matzoball]

Hey all,

 

Like i just mentioned in another thread, i have been through hell and back with a girl and its been nearly two months since we had a big bust up and we never spoke to each other again.

 

I had been out with this girl three times, something i would regret doing.

 

each and everytime she weedled into me just to get what she wanted out of me, something which i woke up too on the third occassion and i said enough is enough. Now this girl seems to be mentally pressurised dare i say it, although there is a lot going on in the family, of which for their sake i will not disclose ALL details just in case the devils find me on here.... anyway lets say one of her parents has got a terminal illness and even with treatment is not expect to live longer than ten years, in their opinion (not the doctors, so in my books i think its five or less). anyway i took this into account and treated her accordingly.

 

However, we fell out again, on the last occasion, because she would not agree to letting me go home straight away fro college to study, now to be fair, she was yr 11 im year 13 and in my books my a levels are a darn sight more important than her GCSE's i have promises to fulfil for universities.

 

anyway, it resulted in her vandalising my bike and she let air out of my tyres, me and many other witnessed this, i stormed out to her but i was as calm as could be, i said 'please don't end it like this we are both adult enough not to resort to this type of behaviour please stop touching and harming my bike' She gets up, stares me for 5 seconds and belts me one in the jaw, needless to say i did a return favour with a thump on the head, which was not a serious punch, it was like a thonk on the head like a whack a mole game... anyway after that we recovered started talking again for a week, went out for a week, then split then spoke for a week and parted ways permanently........

 

now im single and b****y hate it....... no one to talk to, or love....... then i feel ashamed to say it but everytime i see my mates with girlfriend/boyfriends it makes me jealous and mad, which is truly pathetic i know, but why the heck is it me who gets the bad apples????

 

i even went out my way to explain to people that i had Aspergers' and sometimes this does no justice

 

either way everyone can take experiance away from this

 

 

she sounds like a nutter quite frankly and you are better off away from her - but it doesn't matter how angry you get, or if the other person hit you first - you never use violence as a solution. i don't mean you shouldn't hit women, i mean you shouldn't hit anyone. you may feel that it is easy for me to comment in hindsight, but as someone who has gotten angry and lashed out in a similar situation(me in your place not hers) - it doesn't achieve anything. even explaining that you have aspergers will just seem like a cop out to non-nt's in that situation - they don't see things they way we do and to be honest they tend not to care. they just see the negative behaviour.

 

everyone gets their fair share of crappy relationships - it just makes you appreciate the good ones when they come along.

[Bluesbreaker]

tbh i dont expect people to hit me in the first place.

[Bluesbreaker]

let me put it like this, if someone walks up to me and punches me in the face i'll knock the *****r one back, i dont tolerate people hitting me no matter what the circumstances, cos its invading MY personal space.

 

I hate that girl cos she hit me, my hit back was not serious, im 6'4 and if i was serious that girl of 5'5 would not be standing, my hit was in Self Defence.

 

i regret doing it and shes so tapped in the head she thinks she did nothing wrong, sorry but she had no right to hit me and same goes for me, but still i took my actions in self defence not Offence like her.

[Tally]

Well you did say she hit you once and then you hit her back. It's easy to see why other people did not realise you were subjected to a sustained attack and only hit her to get her off.

[Bluesbreaker]

if you can just rephrase the last sentance tally just to be clear cos i dont know if i understand the sentance.

[Tally]

I'm saying that in your first post it sounds like you only hit her in retaliation. To be honest, your later posts sound like this as well. It is not clear that you hit her because she carried on the attack and hitting her was the only way to protect yourself, which would be self defence.

[Bluesbreaker]

right i'll do it a lot cleare this time:

 

I split up with this girl on a tuesday evening, i told her we could no longer continue as the relationship was inhibiting my studies and that she would not meet me with a mutual agreement, no matter what agreement that was. we left each other, nothing else heard that night

 

enter wednesday morning, i did my usual bike locking routine in the bike shed Directly outside the form room, after twenty minutes of casual banter which i took part with every morning in the open area of 16+ i walked into my tutor room and through the windows i saw her taking off the dustcaps and letting air out of my tyres and considering how angered she could become at times i thought i aint sitting there watching that happen just in case. so i stormed out, but i calmed myself down to talk to her and my tone was clear and calm but sincere and i said please don't do that its not going to help any matters lets stop this and talk or part ways, please dont end on a bad note. She gets up, and there was some silence as she turned to me, stared me angrily in the face for 5 seconds and she punched me in the jaw. i then hit back out of retaliation.

 

nearly all of my tutor group saw what happened and gave statements to my head of year who said that yes i was wrong but she was also wrong for provoking me to retaliate, whether out of Self defence or not

 

Hope that is clearer

 

[matzoball]

she sounds like a nutter quite frankly and you are better off away from her - but it doesn't matter how angry you get, or if the other person hit you first - you never use violence as a solution. i don't mean you shouldn't hit women, i mean you shouldn't hit anyone. you may feel that it is easy for me to comment in hindsight, but as someone who has gotten angry and lashed out in a similar situation(me in your place not hers) - it doesn't achieve anything. even explaining that you have aspergers will just seem like a cop out to non-nt's in that situation - they don't see things they way we do and to be honest they tend not to care. they just see the negative behaviour.

 

everyone gets their fair share of crappy relationships - it just makes you appreciate the good ones when they come along.

 

btw i meant - nt, not non-nt lol

[matzoball]

right i'll do it a lot cleare this time:

 

I split up with this girl on a tuesday evening, i told her we could no longer continue as the relationship was inhibiting my studies and that she would not meet me with a mutual agreement, no matter what agreement that was. we left each other, nothing else heard that night

 

enter wednesday morning, i did my usual bike locking routine in the bike shed Directly outside the form room, after twenty minutes of casual banter which i took part with every morning in the open area of 16+ i walked into my tutor room and through the windows i saw her taking off the dustcaps and letting air out of my tyres and considering how angered she could become at times i thought i aint sitting there watching that happen just in case. so i stormed out, but i calmed myself down to talk to her and my tone was clear and calm but sincere and i said please don't do that its not going to help any matters lets stop this and talk or part ways, please dont end on a bad note. She gets up, and there was some silence as she turned to me, stared me angrily in the face for 5 seconds and she punched me in the jaw. i then hit back out of retaliation.

 

nearly all of my tutor group saw what happened and gave statements to my head of year who said that yes i was wrong but she was also wrong for provoking me to retaliate, whether out of Self defence or not

 

Hope that is clearer

 

can't blame you for defending yourself, i might have even reacted the same way. but to clarify where i was coming from - i think violence whatever it's origin is wrong, it doesn't matter if it's a girl hitting a guy or vice versa - it's all about power.

 

to the passer by that might have came across as a guy who is bigger and stronger(i am assuming) thumping a weaker girl (appearance wise) on the top of her head even if she hit him first. you lost control for a moment and reacted naturally to something. no one can blame you for that.

 

my point is that i feel that your reaction was nothing to do with your asd.

 

it's hard enough for people like us to be taken seriously, or treated with respect or as equals without using asd as an excuse for physical violence. you are older than her, and about to go to uni - and as such you must know that people just don't go round thumping folk no matter what the provocation. self defence fine, but you said that you hit back out of retaliation. using your asd as the reason you hit her back to me is kind of insulting, if an nt person did what you did they would get the same reaction from me.

 

if i have got the wrong end of the stick i apologise.

Edited June 22, 2010 by matzoball

[Bluesbreaker]

oh codswallop.....

 

Forgive me i buggered up the clearer explanaition.

 

When i said out of retaliation i meant 'i hit back in self defence'

 

D'oh......

 

But yes i do see what you mean

 

(P.S. what the heck is NT???)

Edited June 22, 2010 by Bluesbreaker

[matzoball]

oh codswallop.....

 

Forgive me i buggered up the clearer explanaition.

 

When i said out of retaliation i meant 'i hit back in self defence'

 

D'oh......

 

But yes i do see what you mean

 

(P.S. what the heck is NT???)

 

ah right cool - NT means 'neurotypical' - folk without asd!

[Bluesbreaker]

ah right cool - NT means 'neurotypical' - folk without asd!

 

Oh right, good phrasing

 

i call them 'ordinary' but NT is better... thing is i dont call anyone 'normal' because what is normal? people vary from each other so much that their actually isn't a normal if you get me....

[trekster]

let me put it like this, if someone walks up to me and punches me in the face i'll knock the *****r one back, i dont tolerate people hitting me no matter what the circumstances, cos its invading MY personal space.

 

I hate that girl cos she hit me, my hit back was not serious, im 6'4 and if i was serious that girl of 5'5 would not be standing, my hit was in Self Defence.

 

i regret doing it and shes so tapped in the head she thinks she did nothing wrong, sorry but she had no right to hit me and same goes for me, but still i took my actions in self defence not Offence like her.

 

i understand why you hit out, low frustration tolerance and doing things without thinking. Many autistics have this issue, i might add im not subjected to violence anymore. i would keep away from her, she's got too much going on to cope with life it seems and you're getting the raw end of it.

 

I've had a nasty ex who promised his then girlfriend wouldn't chuck me out of her house (she did a week later i was staying there overnight and he was always there without warning). He did get that a change in routine (unexpected person staying over, being told i cant play with a little kid and there's no good reason for this, being encouraged to give up college for the day when that was more structured) was what got me uncontrollably angry.

 

Personally anyone who doesn't accept and understand me can get lost, that goes for a student who thought i was a hypochondriac just because i happened to mention some of my disabilities when i met her.

[trekster]

Oh right, good phrasing

 

i call them 'ordinary' but NT is better... thing is i dont call anyone 'normal' because what is normal? people vary from each other so much that their actually isn't a normal if you get me....

 

Same here and folk forget when they use the term "normal" it puts me off listening to them.

[trekster]

I'm saying that in your first post it sounds like you only hit her in retaliation. To be honest, your later posts sound like this as well. It is not clear that you hit her because she carried on the attack and hitting her was the only way to protect yourself, which would be self defence.

 

From my interpretation of the situation it sounds like OP responded to an unexpected action from another person without being able to think 1st.

[Tally]

From my interpretation of the situation it sounds like OP responded to an unexpected action from another person without being able to think 1st.

 

Does that make it OK?

[Bluesbreaker]

Hmmmm, looks like we're swinging to one side here aren't we?

Edited June 22, 2010 by Bluesbreaker

[matzoball]

Hmmmm, looks like we're swinging to one side here aren't we?

 

careful. i don't think there's any issue of 'sides' here. we all understand it was a stressful situation and you lost it for a moment - no one is perfect and can manage their asd every second of every day. but violence is not the answer no matter how much a person is provoked.

 

i think it's a case of it being a highly regrettable incident for you and your ex, perhaps should be learned from, then moved on from.

[trekster]

Does that make it OK?

 

It shows a lack of ability to control stress in that situation. He couldnt help it so whether that makes it right or wrong i dont know.

[trekster]

careful. i don't think there's any issue of 'sides' here. we all understand it was a stressful situation and you lost it for a moment - no one is perfect and can manage their asd every second of every day. but violence is not the answer no matter how much a person is provoked.

 

i think it's a case of it being a highly regrettable incident for you and your ex, perhaps should be learned from, then moved on from.

 

it isnt a case of sides no, if we didnt have some understanding of ASD our reactions to your post would be much stronger and more negative.

[baranigirl]

Hmmmm, looks like we're swinging to one side here aren't we?

 

 

not seen any sides here and I am speaking as an NT adult, what I have seen is people agreeing that any kind of violence is wrong regardless of the situation

[Bluesbreaker]

careful. i don't think there's any issue of 'sides' here. we all understand it was a stressful situation and you lost it for a moment - no one is perfect and can manage their asd every second of every day. but violence is not the answer no matter how much a person is provoked.

 

i think it's a case of it being a highly regrettable incident for you and your ex, perhaps should be learned from, then moved on from.

 

 

of which i have.

 

edit: i am being careful, im also being kind, because i think there should be more neutrality, AS, ASD or NT, we need to be open minded and neutral particularly in positions of control. this is a suggestion and just my opinion and does not need to be taken heavily, but i just want to clarify my thoughts. xx

Edited June 23, 2010 by Bluesbreaker