TA and teacher force my son to sit with his bullies at the same table

[dana]

Hi,

my son was crying this evening because of that. The two boys have been bulling him since the beginning of year 6 and I have had to fight with the school for them to recognise that. Those boys have kicked him, called him names, one of them even threw his hat in the toilet and threatened him on several ocations.

 

What bothers me is that they don't believe my son unless they see it with their own eyes but even that is not enough to recognise the fact that he HAS been bullied. I wrote the letters addressed to the head teacher, school sen governor and pp officer before and the headteacher promissed to deal with that (and she did at the time) and I thought they undrstand. Now they put my son at the same table with his bullies probably with the idea he to learn to get along with them.

 

I wander if we live on the same planet. I understand that sometimes us parents might expect too much from the mainstream school but this is pretty straight forward IMO. BTW, his class has 15 children and two TA and still his own TA helps other children as well, sometimes more than him.

 

Any advice appreciated. Thanks.

 

Danaxxx

[jaffacakes]

That sounds like a scheme called "Building Resilience", worth looking into as it does not work for children with ASD, I spoke to NAS about something similar a while ago and they gave me some details. Basically the idea is to put a child into a "controlled" challenging situation so they can learn from their experiences.

 

Have you written to the Head again? I would, and make it clear that they are causing your son stress by their actions. Get your son to write as well if you can.

 

As for the TA thing, I'm sure other people will have more experience than me on this, but it's common. I can understand that it may not always be a good idea to have a 1:1 sat with a child all the time, but their focus should always be on your child, not on any 'other role'.

[trekster]

Have you tried "peer awareness" with the other kids?

[Bluesbreaker]

Have you tried "peer awareness" with the other kids?

 

i would and wouldn't recommend this.

 

Its great cos the kids are growing up and they understand and will keep that in mind be friendly with the kid involved and watch out and watch his back for him

 

then there are those who are 'clever' enough to figure out that this can work to their advantage which causes more bullying, in mind you are talking to an aspergers guy who has had that experiance, its not pleasent.

 

i ssuggest doing this when the kids are 15/16 years old about yr11 cos they will then be mature enough to know that its not a thing to get away with doing.

[dana]

then there are those who are 'clever' enough to figure out that this can work to their advantage which causes more bullying, in mind you are talking to an aspergers guy who has had that experiance, its not pleasent.

 

This experience my son already had. He told me that sometimes they kick him and then complain to the teacher that he did it to them and at the same time pretending in front of the teachers that they are nice to my son so the teacher would believe them not my son.

 

Danaxxx

 

[Sally44]

I would ask for a meeting with school and take the PP with you for support. Ask them for their explanation of why they are sitting your son on the same table as children that are (is it still happening?) bullying him. If their reason is that they expecting him to learn something from the experience, then I would challenge that. Our children have language and social interaction difficulties and if they could 'learn' from being with others then they would have managed that just by being in the family. That is one of the biggest misunderstandings there are, that you can put a child on the spectrum with 'mainstream' children and somehow the ASD child will learn from them. They might copy, but that does not mean it is learnt or understood.

Is there any possibility that your son has sensory issues and these children are just touching rather than kicking etc but that is how it feels to your son? Being tactile defensive can mean that even light touch can be processed as pain. If that is not the case then explain to the school what the children are doing ie. kicking him and then denying it or pretending they are being nice to him.

There was a boy in my son's old school that used to do something similar to my son and because he told my son he was his friend he believed him.

Regarding the TA. If your son's Statement says the TA is for him, or quantifies how much time she is supposed to be for him then that is what should happen. The PP will support you in this. If any other children need TA support then the school should follow the procedure to secure that for that other child. So I would talk with school and ask them if the TA is supporting other children and if so how are they fufilling your son's Statement?

After the meeting, whatever is discussed and agreed, put that in a clarification letter to school.

[dana]

Thank you all for your replies. <'>

 

I've just come from the meeting with my son's TA. She told me a slightly different story. She said that the child (my son's bully) wanted himself to sit at my son's table but she didn't let my son move to another table because of that because she thought 'he should stand his ground and not move away from that child'. She also said that that boy doesn't bully him any more but that my son is still anxious about it. However, this is not what he is telling me....

 

Anyway,she said that this is not a permanent thing, it just happened on Friday. I explained to her that it was very distressing for my son being on ASD and that he didn't understand why she wanted him to stay with that boy.

 

My son asked me what happened at the meeting and when I told him he got angry at me, still not understanding the situation. I told his TA to explain to him herself as well. I will try again at home when he comes back from school but I am not sure he will understand. He thinks I am 'on her side'. Any sugestions?

 

Danaxxx

 

 

[Grace]

Hi Dana,

 

I would follow up about the TA one to one help. Is it quantified in his Statement?

 

If your DS is not getting the support that he needs, his anxiety levels could be higher than would be otherwise with the right support. He obviously feels strongly about this and so even if the TA feels it was 'nothing', your DS feels the opposite.

 

It could be that he is in such a heightened state of anxiety anyway that he just can't cope with this boy being near him.

 

Can you ask him how things are at school in general? Maybe chat about different elements of his school day over the week, to build a picture up of how he is coping and what is happening?

 

I think often our children can't sum up how things are going in general, so they need us to break it down into chunks and ask about different parts of the day e.g. what did you play at playtime, might not only give you what he did, but can lead to who he played with and thus might jog his memory for any incidents and how he was feeling. If you do similar with lessons, you can also bring in as part of the conversation, if his TA was there to help and build up a picture of just how much help he is missing out on.

 

I think it is perfectly reasonable to insist that his TA stays on his table, even if she is not directly giving him help. That way she is accessible to him, if he does need help and that alone might help reduce his anxieties. He could not feel able to get up and go over to another table, interrupt her and ask for the help directly. He might have difficulty in even recognising when he needs help, let alone having the confidence to ask for it. Equally if he has had a negative experience when he has asked for the help e.g. she has told him to go back to his seat and not helped him, then that might have put him off asking again.

 

I think a talk with the class teacher is needed, as it will be the class teacher who will be directing the TA's as to how they work; she might not appreciate how your DS is feeling right now. If you get no where with the teacher, then the SENCO and the Head would be next.

 

Best of luck/x

 

[trekster]

i would make sure the school understand how difficult unstructured time is for autistic kids including your son.

Getting help in class IME was easier than getting help out of class during breaks and meals in college for example.