Marriage and expectations

[Greg101]

I have aspergers syndrome but have only just been diagnosed 1 year ago. It makes sense of most of my life but I am 20+ years into a marriage that has struggled and now the kids are leaving home the focus is back on the relationship.....

 

My wife’s hopes and expectations of our family communications and family circumstance appear to be unobtainable through me and she is finding it impossible to accept these limitations. For an educated Neural Typical person her expectations are on par with the norm. However, I seem unable to achieve them and after all the years together and the built up frustration, any compromise or negotiation seem to be off the table for her.

 

She explained to me she always hoped I would suddenly "get it" and things would be different. In reality, from before we were married, I have not been able to break the cast of what I am, however much I believed, tried and wanted it. I also deluded myself that one day I would have the key to being OK, in-tune and happy and then the marriage would also all work out !!

 

I think the reality maybe that I should give her the chance to find someone that will make her happy, she is a charming and beautiful person (a real catch) and deserves it. I just don't want to let her go and I do everything I can to keep it going, even though we seem to be making each other unhappy staying together.

 

To be totally honest

I daily wonder if it is love, dependancy or both that I am holding on to her for, I just cannot decide. Like most life decisions there is no 100% right answer and thus "using" logic I also daily manage to avoid answering this question!?

 

can anyone help me determine the best way direction to go on this?

Thanks

[emmasmum]

Maybe you could consider relationship counselling?

 

Carol

[Sally44]

I've posted a link to a support group. It is not in your area, but they may know of similar groups in your area, or maybe able to give you advice or support via phone or email.

They came to our parents support group (which is for children with ASD and their siblings). They are a group for the family focus on the adults rather than the children.

 

 

 

http://www.infolinx.org/infolinx/infolinx....emplate=details

[Kazzen161]

I would certainly recommend relationship counselling eg: with Relate. They will help you (and your wife if she will go too) decide if you can improve your marriage, and if not, will help you both decide how to move forwards.

[justine1]

I would certainly recommend relationship counselling eg: with Relate. They will help you (and your wife if she will go too) decide if you can improve your marriage, and if not, will help you both decide how to move forwards.

I agree It maybe that the change i.e kids leaving is affecting both of you,so may not be just down to the AS.I can only imagine that after so many years,you both may have focused on your children and very little on each other,now that you can focus on each other it would appear(AS aside)you are now both two very different people,you cannot start where you left off type thing you have to start afresh.

 

So I think counselling will help you both to find the positives and work with that.

[Greg101]

Thanks for the responses guys, she is not up for a relate type couple counselling as we tried it out many years ago and she found my application of the advice too literal and prescriptive – not strange given my condition really, but this was also before any diagnosis.

 

The negative side of me also consideres that when we do get to speak, she explains to me she is happy with herself and all her other relationships. thus it is me that needs to change. She explains she expects her husband to know her (emotionally) and for her to know her husband. For me, I guess, this is similar to a blind man trying to undertand colour .... of course my other option is denial .....?

 

I will persevere and see if she will come to a counselling group for couples where one person has aspergers (similar to the Loughborough group suggested in the link from Sally). I think this is the best option available (and probably the only one left!)

 

I will need to pick my time to suggest this...hmmmh ...??? could get interesting !

 

I will drop a line back to let you know how it goes...could take a little while.

 

Thanks for your help

Edited July 17, 2010 by Greg101

[Tally]

I've heard that Relate now have some counsellors who are trained in helping where one partner has Asperger's. Since you now have a diagnosis, that should shed new light on things and enable any counsellor to take a different approach, but Relate may be a good place to start.

 

I think it's probably fairly common to have difficulties when children leave home, so it might not really have anything to do with your AS anyway. However, you do mention that your wife has had misgivings about the relationship since the beginning. Maybe her expectation that you would change was always unreasonable, even before your diagnosis. Maybe your diagnosis (or just time) has shown your wife that you are actually not going to change now, and she might be starting to see that you are never going to be the way she had hoped.

[cmuir]

Hi

 

I think a lot of neurotypical couples experience these types of issues when the their offspring leave the nest. I can't give any advice other than advise you to try and interpret and share your feelings with your wife. Largely, the main issue might not be your relationship, but rather she may feel 'lost' or useless now that she's not running around providing cooked meals, taxi services, laundry service, etc for your kids. As a result, she's looking to you to somehow understand and try and plug the gap/these feelings. It must be a scary time for you both, and your wife in particular may be struggling with this new found freedom. Is it possible you could take up a new hobby whether it's together or separately? Whilst her feelings are imporant, so are yours and equally your wife must accept you as you are. Sure, there thas to give compromise and 'give and take' on both sides, but you both deserve happiness, etc.

 

Best wishes.

 

Caroline.

Edited July 17, 2010 by cmuir