When will I get over it.

[justine1]

Hi everyone

 

I wasnt sure where to post this but thought its best here as it is not ASD related.I know I have said this before so sorry if I am going on and on but I dont really have anyone to talk to about how I feel and do want to let it out.

 

As some of you know I left my husband in Feb 2008,it has been a rollercoaster of emotions.I feel very confused lately though and I am not sure what to do.I am almost certain I did the right thing but I feel that I still love him so much,in fact more now.To the point where I cant make eye contact,I know it sounds stupid

I have dreams about him moving on and I feel really upset over this prospect,I know I wont,not anytime soon anyway.I cannot prevent him from doing so but it really hurts to the point where I get chest pain.

 

Last September he said he wants a divorce and even though I wanted the same,to hear him say it really crushed me.He hasnt bothered going to a solicitor though.I have approached the solicitor myself to get the ball rolling,when I told him he didnt seem happy and said "is that what I want" meanwhile he has been saying its what he wants all along.Again that makes me feel bad.

 

I hate the way I feel because I thought I would have got over my feelings for him by now,it is almost 2 1/2 years now,I know I will always care about him as he is the father of my children but I feel more than that.I get angry at myself cause I know how he can be and know it wouldnt be good for us to be together.

 

So confused

[Sammysnake]

Justine I'm so sorry you are having such a horrible time. I wish I could give you a big hug that would make all this hurt go away but sadly it doesn't work like that as you know. I don't have any experience of what you're going through but it does sound perfectly natural to me - we can't help what and who we love, even when our logic tells us it's not good for us. My advice would be to put your logical side in charge for a moment, sit down and write a list of the things that made you say

I know how he can be and know it wouldnt be good for us to be together

You say it's been 2 1/2 years and I guess you would hope your feelings would be better by now but in all that time, nothing's been resolved and you've had no closure. Divorce has been hanging over your head for a long time which means you're suffering a continual bereavement and will continue to do so unless that is finalised. Your husband says it's what he wants but isn't doing anything about it which puts even more pressure on you and probably gives you that nagging doubt that it really is what he wants.

 

Do you have anyone who can be an advocate to help you through this and maybe act as an intermediary talking to your husband - either a friend or relative or a marriage counsellor? I don't know the details of your relationship with your husband and wouldn't begin to tell you what to do but you need support to ensure you know what you need to do for you and your kids, irrespective of what your husband wants. I think logic needs to be the master here because emotions can trick and confuse us. It may not even be your husband the individual that you still love and want but the dreams you had when you met him that he would be the one to cherish and support you forever. It's very hard to let go of a dream but you have to ask yourself whether the dream is achievable with this person.

 

I hope something here helps. Find someone to hug you and go through this with you.

 

Lots of love, Sam

[justine1]

Justine I'm so sorry you are having such a horrible time. I wish I could give you a big hug that would make all this hurt go away but sadly it doesn't work like that as you know. I don't have any experience of what you're going through but it does sound perfectly natural to me - we can't help what and who we love, even when our logic tells us it's not good for us. My advice would be to put your logical side in charge for a moment, sit down and write a list of the things that made you say

You say it's been 2 1/2 years and I guess you would hope your feelings would be better by now but in all that time, nothing's been resolved and you've had no closure. Divorce has been hanging over your head for a long time which means you're suffering a continual bereavement and will continue to do so unless that is finalised. Your husband says it's what he wants but isn't doing anything about it which puts even more pressure on you and probably gives you that nagging doubt that it really is what he wants.

 

Do you have anyone who can be an advocate to help you through this and maybe act as an intermediary talking to your husband - either a friend or relative or a marriage counsellor? I don't know the details of your relationship with your husband and wouldn't begin to tell you what to do but you need support to ensure you know what you need to do for you and your kids, irrespective of what your husband wants. I think logic needs to be the master here because emotions can trick and confuse us. It may not even be your husband the individual that you still love and want but the dreams you had when you met him that he would be the one to cherish and support you forever. It's very hard to let go of a dream but you have to ask yourself whether the dream is achievable with this person.

 

I hope something here helps. Find someone to hug you and go through this with you.

 

Lots of love, Sam

Thank you so much Sam <'> Everything you have said is what my good friend told me when I first left my husband.She to had separated from her husband,though under very different circumstances,she was also married for almost double the time I had been,but she told me it will be like a bereavement and it will be up and down.

 

Most of the time I am very busy and stay positive.I have achieved so much so far and enjoy being on my own,for the most part,even though I don tget any break at all!!!

 

I was thinking of going to counselling,on my own though,he would never come.But TBH with me going to Uni in September I doubt I will have the time,cause when I am off I will want to spend time with my boys. I cant say how I feel to my family as they hate him,that sounds harsh but its the truth.I have told them I go through patches of being really low because I miss him,but they seem to get annoyed by this as if I should be over him.They have made it very clear they will disown me if I go back to him,they know most of what was going on when we were together.

 

He was not a brilliant husband,and not always a good dad,but overall I think that he wasnt the only one to blame for me leaving ,I had done some pretty stupid things while we were together,including getting my family involved.So I do feel guilty.

 

I am hoping that when I go to Uni I can focus on that and less on this.I have a belief that if we are meant to be together it will happen if not now maybe in future(I know that sounds really soppy and naive,and I dont hold out much hope but it is possible.)So I want to get the divorce sorted in the hope I can move on emotionally.

 

Thanks again

[baranigirl]

awww bless you hunny, took me 3 years to get my divorce finalised and a further 3 years at least before I had closure on the relationship from my side, even tho I was in a relationship with my current partner!

 

I knew I would never go back, but I remember the no eye contact thing etc, gosh it is soooo hard! Now I can speak my mind to him, tell him no and actually stand up for myself which was a huge move forwards for me as I spent my marriage being suppressed emotionally by my ex

 

big hugs and don't fret things do get easier over time xx

[JsMum]

 

I think your clearly confused with whether you should or shouldnt get back with him, because part of your post you say you know it is not good to get back together because it isnt good as a family, but then you also say if it is meant to be that your together then it will happen, even though it wouldnt be good as a family.

 

Your other posts of how he was with your son recently in the park also gives me concerns how your children with react if you did get back together.

 

Maybe you are just intensely lonely and the idea of a male, adult partner would be so nice, even if it is your ex, better than been alone.

 

If you dont find the time to attend at least some relationship councilling ie RELATE or similair it is highly likely that you wont be able to concentrate for very long because you have underlying isses that need addressing but your ignoring them, ignoring it isnt a good idea, because it will eventually need sorting out, but by then you might of made some choices by then, that might not of been the choice you would of made if you had of recieved councilling.

 

So I would say for certain that you do need proffessional relationship councilling, and eventually in the future councilling that involves both you and your ex especially if you did go back to a relationship.

 

Univercities have there own councilling services, they may be able to fit it in with your studies, but I do think you need to confront this issue out, maybe part of the reason he doesnt want a divorce is because he doesnt want you to move on and its his way of still be in control of You.

 

Maybe when you made the steps to a divorce to the solicitor he became shocked because you made it a reality and he cant now stop that, and it no longer stays in his control because it is now actually about what you want and what you want as a family.

 

Your defo confused.

 

JsMumx

 

[justine1]

Thank you Baranigirl <'> It really means alot to hear that,at least I know its normal to feel this way.

My mum is on her third marriag and she has never been alone for more than a couple of months,so for me 2 1/2 years seems like an eternity compared to her!!

 

Thank You Jsmum <'> I was told by the tutor last week that I can talk to someone but its not a qualified counsellor its just to get things off my chest,so I will probably do that.I am not going to go back to him,I doubt he will ever change,but I am not ruling out the fact that he could change.My own father was exactly the same as my husband and my eldest brother suffered alot when my parents were together,but for the past 8 years my father has been my rock ,which is surprising as we didnt talk much for three years,and my brother sees him twice a week.As things are now,I cant be with him.

 

Sorry, I know that sounds complicated,the comments I am making are just a general.Like I personally know of people who have been child hood sweethearts then gone separate ways then for whatever reason their paths cross later on in life and they end up together,in fact my friend I referred to in my other post has experienced this herself and is getting re-married next year!!Its my belief as I said that these things happen for a reason,just like if we are never together again it is meant to be.

 

Came back to add-its not the fact want/dont want to be with him that confuses me,, its more the fact of how I feel after this long.I would have thought I would be feeling slightly less emotional when around him.I think of him alot as if we are still together and this is my main problem.Hope that makes it a little clearer.

 

 

Thank you for all the comments <'>

Edited July 30, 2010 by justine1

[baranigirl]

hehe that made me giggle, as I caught up with an ex from my teen years (I dumped him cos he was too nice) when I first split from my ex husband, timing was a bit off as he wasn't ready to commit 15 years later and believed I was on the rebound, a few years later we had a chat about it and discovered we were both ready for the relationship, but too many other factors were in the way.

 

He has since emigrated to Aussie and his son lives here and is best friends with my daughter - how bizarre and neither of our kids know of our relationship 10 years ago (I have told my DD about my romance with him age 16 and she told his son, but they have no need to learn of the more recent events lol)