Got the school we wanted

[Carrera74]

DS started his new school last Thursday and had a great 2 days. Friday evening he was very irritable which I expected as it is a long day for him (the taxi picks him up at 7.30am and drops him at 4.40pm) and it's a new routine for him to get used to. He hasn't been in school since Easter so expected a few hiccups but he has refused to get out of bed this morning. He has been banging his head against the bed when the taxi left and again when I said I had to go to work. I spent nearly 2 hours trying to coax him out. I offered to drive him there myself as he was tired when the taxi came. Nothing worked and I rang school to let them know what was happening. His linkworker has just been to the house to see if she could get him to go back to school with her but he is in bed on hisi PSP refusing to leave. She has now left and said to try again tomorrow and mentioned bringing colleagues with her so that they can take him to school.

 

I have fought for 2 years to get him the right school and I can't bear the thought of him being taken to school against his will

[Sally44]

Maybe he needs a gradual transition into this school?

Does he really struggle with change? If so he may need to meet his teachers before he even has a class with them. He may need a book of photos of the school, of his teachers, his class etc. Or he may need to just get to know his support worker and just go into school for a couple of days a week and get to know them first and then they gradually introduce him to the classes etc.

 

And if he is really tired is he getting off to sleep okay at night? If not have you talked with the GP about something like melatonin?

 

I don't use melatonin myself. My son does have additional difficulties getting to sleep and waking up in the morning. But I consider these severe enough to warrant any medication. But if there is a specific event coming up, especially if my son is excited or anxious about it, he will not sleep. On those occasions I give a medication as a 'one off'. I have checked with the GP first and they said that things like Medised, Phenergen or other antihistamine meds can cause drowsiness and get them off to sleep. But this is a one off and if you feel you need something on a regular basis, or at least every day for a short period of time then you will need a prescription.

 

But you need to go and talk with your GP about it. As you say, it would be a shame for him to stumble now. So make an appointment with the GP and see what you could try short or long term.

 

The travelling is making it a long day. Is there anything he could do in the taxi that he would like or which might distract or relax him. Eg. listening to music, play the nintendo or watch a DVD etc.

[Sally44]

The other thing I forgot to mention is that he's playing on his PSP at home. If he's at home, he should not have access to things he likes. I know that may not be easy to do, and only you know how you can address that. But if his choice is between going to a new school that he maybe anxious about, or staying at home on his PSP, then its a no-brainer.

[Carrera74]

Hi Sally

 

Thanks for your comments.

 

He went in for 2 days last week and met everyone and was really happy and said he couldn't believe how friendly the children and staff were. I'm not sure about the part time schooling but I think I'll see how he is tomorrow and perhaps suggest it.

 

He has been struggling to sleep which he usually does when there is a change to his routine. I think if we can get him to have a good nights sleep for a week or so then he won't be as anxious but it's just getting him to go sleep! I've got an appointment on Friday as he fainted on Friday (first time so getting him checked out) I'll ask about the melatonin.

 

I am going to ban the PSP from his room - we let him have a lie in at the weekend and he usually spends some quiet time in his room and plays on that for a bit. I can see what you mean about giving the choice he'd prefer to stay in bed and play that!

 

The journey adds to the length of the day and he seemed to cope with it okay - apart from being tired! It's like a vicious circle. He's tired after the school day but is struggling to sleep so is getting more tired and then gets stressed out and irritable.

[baddad]

Hi carerra -

 

sorry to hear of your problems.

If he's really keen on his PSP then maybe that's the thing you should be using as the 'carrot' to get him to school. Certainly if he is going to be playing it on school days it should be when he gets home, so there, immediately is a very significant 'reward' he can earn for good attendance!

Maybe if you could get him an old gamboy colour or gameboy micro or something that it could be used to take the sting out of the daily bus journey? You would have to stress from the outset, though that it was ONLY for the journey, and have a set arrangement at school for someone to take responsibility (the TA/Form teacher, maybe?) for collecting it on arrival and giving it back at the end of the day. Maybe, if he's got a regular driver (which he should have) the driver could do that, so there's absolutely no possibility of him even thinking it's available in school?

TBH I'd be loathe to try to set up any new concessions - i.e. you driving him in or only part time attendance. You would only be setting a precedent you would then have to break - with all the inherent backlash - but that aside after two years and with a new school it is really time for a 'fresh start', and that should be 'start as you mean to go on'.

While you can't bear the thought of him being 'taken against his will' (by which I take it you mean 'over his objections' and with your permission rather than kidnapping) that is the option he is choosing, so don't beat yourself up about it. It's not a 'choice' he can make, both from a legal standpoint and from the fact that he is just a child, and therefore unable to see the full implications of school refusal. It really should be, unless there are very real issues (which there shouldn't be in a brand new school) to indicate the contrary, 'like it or lump it' as far as choice goes. If he is tired, then he can be tired at school just as well as he can be at home, and the answer - whether with the help of melatonin or not - is a rigidly enforced nightime/sleeping routine rather than an adjustment to the school timetable.

 

Hope that's helpful

 

L&P

 

BD

Edited September 20, 2010 by baddad

[Karen A]

Hi carrera.

I was just wondering how old your son is and also broadly what the reason was for him not being at school since Easter Eg exclusion,illness or a period of home education ?

Has he had any support while not in school from CAMHS or anyone else who could help ?

Sorry to fire questions but it does make a difference as to what advice to give.

 

 

I think it would be worth doing everything possible to encourage your son to go to school in the morning.

It is bound to be difficult for a while but once your son gets into the routine he may well settle in.

If he stays off it becomes more difficult to get back into a routine.

Both of my lads have been tired since returning to school in Spetember.I think it just takes a while to adapt to going to bed earlier and getting up early.

 

It is certainly worth doing everything possible to ensure that school becomes a better option than home in terms of not allowing any activities that could be regarded as more fun than school.

 

My elder son took a while to settle into secondary school which we all found very stressful.

He is now in year 10, enjoys school and is doing really well.

 

However I do not think that people could come into the house and force your son to leave against your will.

There is certainly no legal right for individuals to forcibly remove a child from the parents house using physical means unless the child is being removed due to a child protection issue where there is a court order in place or the person has broken the law and it is the police.

 

Ben is 12.He is over five foot.If someone came to the house and attempted to force him to leave against his will he would regard it as kidnap. His behaviour would be so challenging by the time he reached school that he would be excluded which would then make his none attendance at school legal but would also be a complete waste of time and counter productive.

 

The teachers could if you invited them into the house try very hard to persuade your son to go with them to school.However I am certain that it would not be legal for them to force him to go using any physical means.

 

The LA are entitled take action against you for failing to secure school attendance which could include a fine or as a very last resort a prison sentence.However they are very unlikely to do this in a day or two if you are working with them and doing all you can.

 

I notice now that the school is Specialist Provision that you have fought for in which case it is even less likely they will enforce attendance legally.

It is probably the last thing you want but in my opinion they may offer a chaeaper option before enforcing attendance at a school that is costing them dearly.

 

I would advise you to contact ACE who are experts on school attendance.However I am sure that is the case.

http://www.ace-ed.org.uk/advice-about-education-for-parents

 

The page above does provide advice on school attendance.However I would advise you to contact ACE on the advice line for some expert individual advice.

 

IPSEA also have an advice line and NAS have a telephone education advice service if you cannot get through to ACE.

http://www.autism.org.uk/Our-services/Advice-and-support/Advocacy-for-education-service.aspx

However ACE do deal more specifically with school refusal where as IPSEA and NAS are more general.

 

I thought I would clarify the law on school attendance.A parent has a duty to secure school attendance where a child is registered at a school.However should you wish you have every right to deregister your child as long as you feel you can provide an appropriate education. This would be legal.

 

I would never choose this option as I would have a nervous breakdown very rapidly.However it is perfectly legal.

Edited September 20, 2010 by Karen A

[JsMum]

Why does he have to set off so early?

 

What reasons has he given that he wont go to school?

 

I understand the concern you have about the school linkworker bringing in extra collegues, will your son know these extra colleges? I would find out more about how they intend to aproach your son tomorrow if he refuses to cooperate and what are the consequences if he refuses to go to school again tomorrow.

 

The school should understand school refusal and have a set target made especially as it is a specialist provision.

 

My son has refused a couple of times not to go to school usually he is just not ready and we give him extra time to get his head around it, and usually with extra time he co operates, Previously to his specialist school he had severe school refusal and we had to get medical report to report his severe aggression when physical force was used to cover the absences,so they became authorised absences.

 

J was already on a part time scedual at the time.

 

If J refused school now Im sure the specialist school would arrange apropriate staff that are trained in physical restraint to help assist J to return but if he persistantly refused to attend school then his placement would be in jeperdy because part of the agreement of Js placement is that there is a level of co operation on Js part, if he persistantly refuses to attend school, his placement could be withdrawn.

 

Js school is a residential school also though and because he boards he is less likely to refuse, only the times he returns home for weekends, if Js school had of been a day attender, then I wouldnt of managed to get J to this school otherwise.

 

Once J is at school he is fine, often he says he cant go because he will miss me, and he is scared something bad will happen to me, we talk about these worries so we can reasure him, a lot of it is basically he wants to be at home with me all day, which doesnt work for long either, as it effects our own mental health so I would work together with the school to look at a individual plan that enables him to return to a school, one that you faught so hard to get him in.

 

I have to add also J has been tired too, a boy who doesnt tire easily and can go for days, but the return of school after a long summer off school he is more tired and more sensitive, his school participate in a lot of activities and so he is using his endless energy all day, he is having to rebuild some of that due to spending hours in the holidays on his xbox, ipod, pc.

 

Does the special school your son attend have any boarding provision?

 

JsMumx

Edited September 20, 2010 by JsMum

[lindy2017]

DS started his new school last Thursday and had a great 2 days. Friday evening he was very irritable which I expected as it is a long day for him (the taxi picks him up at 7.30am and drops him at 4.40pm) and it's a new routine for him to get used to. He hasn't been in school since Easter so expected a few hiccups but he has refused to get out of bed this morning. He has been banging his head against the bed when the taxi left and again when I said I had to go to work. I spent nearly 2 hours trying to coax him out. I offered to drive him there myself as he was tired when the taxi came. Nothing worked and I rang school to let them know what was happening. His linkworker has just been to the house to see if she could get him to go back to school with her but he is in bed on hisi PSP refusing to leave. She has now left and said to try again tomorrow and mentioned bringing colleagues with her so that they can take him to school.

 

I have fought for 2 years to get him the right school and I can't bear the thought of him being taken to school against his will

Hi, I had to take my son out of school mid april he now wont attend the secondary school so i ahve meeting to discuss getting hoem tutor for an hour a day......he gets too stressed out and is so much happier now although he has his meltdowns....lindy

[Karen A]

I hope today is better.If not then you are not alone.I am having an awful morning too. <'> <'> <'>

Karen.

[Karen A]

I hope today is better.If not then you are not alone.I am having an awful morning too. <'> <'> <'>

Karen.

 

 

Ben had been off yesterday with a cold.

I decided this morning that he was well enough to return to school.

After a great deal of work explaining my legal responsibility as a parent to ensure school attendance amongst other things I got Ben to school an hour late at 0930 only then to recieve an Email from the HOY saying she thought he was loaded with cold followed by a call asking me to come back to take him home because he is unwell.

So here we are back home .

 

How are things with you today ?

Edited September 21, 2010 by Karen A

[Kathryn]

Sorry to hear about your difficulties in getting your son to school,Carrera. How are things now - any progress?

 

K x

[Carrera74]

Hi everyone, a huge thanks for your advice and comments.

 

I got home from work on Monday and sat and had a chat with him. We agreed that Tuesday was a new day and we would try again. I also explained to him that both school and us at home all want to support him getting back into a routine at school and we know that it is difficult especially after not being in school for such a long time. I chose to remove him from his last school as it had broken down and he was becoming more and more anxious and was out of control in school and literally running riot. I was worried that he would think it was okay for him to refuse to go to this new school as I had kept him off so I explained that now that the Authority have named a suitable school I have no good reason to keep him off and I could get into trouble. I didn’t want to add to his anxieties but I also didn’t want him to think it’s okay to stay off school.

 

The PSP is now only for evenings and he can take it up at weekends too.

 

He got up on Tuesday with a lot of coaxing and we praised him loads when he got home from school. We have set the bedtime routine again and are praising him each day. The last 2 days he has got up with no problem and this morning was ready before the taxi

 

I think we just need to stick to the routine and hopefully we’ll get there!

 

I can see good changes in him already. He is trying new things at school so must be feeling more relaxed. He had an egg mayonnaise sandwich yesterday as that was the only sandwich on offer. At one time he would have refused to try it and probably got stressed out and shut down as he wouldn’t tell anyone he didn’t like it. He told me that he thought he would die with each bite as the feeling in his mouth was that bad. I know he won’t have that sandwich again but it’s a huge thing for him to try something new and it was nice to see him make a joke out of how bad it was instead of kicking off. He has also joined in with the others playing football at lunchtime – another big thing for him 

 

So it was a rubbish start to the week but it has got better as we went along.

[Carrera74]

I hope today is better.If not then you are not alone.I am having an awful morning too. <'> <'> <'>

Karen.

 

Big hugs back. Hope Ben is feeling better now?

[Karen A]

Hi everyone, a huge thanks for your advice and comments.

 

I got home from work on Monday and sat and had a chat with him. We agreed that Tuesday was a new day and we would try again. I also explained to him that both school and us at home all want to support him getting back into a routine at school and we know that it is difficult especially after not being in school for such a long time. I chose to remove him from his last school as it had broken down and he was becoming more and more anxious and was out of control in school and literally running riot. I was worried that he would think it was okay for him to refuse to go to this new school as I had kept him off so I explained that now that the Authority have named a suitable school I have no good reason to keep him off and I could get into trouble. I didnt want to add to his anxieties but I also didnt want him to think its okay to stay off school.

 

The PSP is now only for evenings and he can take it up at weekends too.

 

He got up on Tuesday with a lot of coaxing and we praised him loads when he got home from school. We have set the bedtime routine again and are praising him each day. The last 2 days he has got up with no problem and this morning was ready before the taxi

 

I think we just need to stick to the routine and hopefully well get there!

 

I can see good changes in him already. He is trying new things at school so must be feeling more relaxed. He had an egg mayonnaise sandwich yesterday as that was the only sandwich on offer. At one time he would have refused to try it and probably got stressed out and shut down as he wouldnt tell anyone he didnt like it. He told me that he thought he would die with each bite as the feeling in his mouth was that bad. I know he wont have that sandwich again but its a huge thing for him to try something new and it was nice to see him make a joke out of how bad it was instead of kicking off. He has also joined in with the others playing football at lunchtime another big thing for him

 

So it was a rubbish start to the week but it has got better as we went along.

 

That is great news.

 

Ben has not got back to school yet.

We have realised as the days have gone by that he really has not been very well.

He is loaded with cold.

I used to be a nurse and tend to be a bit dismissive of minor ailments. When the year head Emailed and commented he was really not well I felt very heartless.

I am hoping that he will get better over the weekend so that I can get him back to school on Monday.

Karen.

Edited September 24, 2010 by Karen A

[Sally44]

I'm glad it is going okay.

I think you've probably given him all the explanations he needed.

 

My son is doing okay in school. He doesn't get really stressed about changes in people because he does not recognise them! We met his SALT in the shoe shop during the holidays and he did not know who she was (he's known her for 2 years and sees her on a weekly basis!).

 

We are in a strange land of limbo because his Statement was re-assessed and finalised. And the provision in his previous Statement is not being met so far this year. He is supposed to have a dedicated TA, but the one they named has not returned to school in September, and I have no explanation so far as to what is going on.

 

The Reading Programme he was on last year has also not started again, but his teacher 'thinks' it will be.

 

We should have IEPs again in October, so that will be interesting.

 

I don't know if I can even complain about these things not being in place, since they are not itemised in the new Statement??

 

Sorry, I've kind of hijacked the thread!

[Karen A]

I'm glad it is going okay.

I think you've probably given him all the explanations he needed.

 

My son is doing okay in school. He doesn't get really stressed about changes in people because he does not recognise them! We met his SALT in the shoe shop during the holidays and he did not know who she was (he's known her for 2 years and sees her on a weekly basis!).

 

We are in a strange land of limbo because his Statement was re-assessed and finalised. And the provision in his previous Statement is not being met so far this year. He is supposed to have a dedicated TA, but the one they named has not returned to school in September, and I have no explanation so far as to what is going on.

 

The Reading Programme he was on last year has also not started again, but his teacher 'thinks' it will be.

 

We should have IEPs again in October, so that will be interesting.

 

I don't know if I can even complain about these things not being in place, since they are not itemised in the new Statement??

 

Sorry, I've kind of hijacked the thread!

 

Hi.I cannot see how complaining about provision not being provided in line with the previous Statement can do any harm.Even if they do nothing about it it shows that you have noted that those things are not currently in place.

Karen.