dislikes change

[LS2242]

Hi Everyone

 

Just wondered if anyone had any thoughts or suggestions.

The school where going to be doing a sponsered walk today (until the weather put a dampner on things)

Last night my son started getting anxious and out came the headache, sore throat, found if difficult to sleep etc... This morning he woke up refusing to go to school. Even when I told him it was cancelled and showed him the text from the school, he was still refusing school. His stress levels where high and I think that is why he could not accept my explaination that it had been cancelled. With a bit of talking and time he went to school as usual and on time (added bonus)

The thing is I am finding that we always tend to get into this cycle everytime there is a change. We had the same the other week over the swimming and last year with school trips, sports day etc..

 

I am trying to pinpoint what is going on here. I think I know what is not the problem (using the walk today as a example).

Not wanting to go because he doesnt know what to expect - he has done the same walk before so that rules that out and he remembers it and no bad experiences.

Not wanting to go because he didn't know about it or it was sprung on him - they had lots of advance notification and talks about it so cant see it being this.

Not because he doesn't like walking - we go frequently for walks in the country with no issues. In fact he loves it and all that fresh air.

 

So I got thinking what can it be. Why does he not want to participate in these activities? Why does he get himself into such a state over any big change to the timetable such as the sport's day or if they go off school grounds? I just dont understand and I feel I need to know in order help him overcome this.

Could it be a fear of something, that even he is not aware of? Any ideas?

 

I think I understand where the school refusal comes from. If he doesn't want to do something, in his mind the only way to get out of it is not to go to school. BTW I have never let him have a day off school because he does not want ot participate in something. School refusal or not, I have always got him there eventually.

 

TBH when he is in seniors and doesn't want to go to school because he doesn't want to join in - how the heck would I get him there then.

 

Any ideas to what could be going on here.

 

Oh and just to add, this is not about trying (or not) to manipulate me this is about why these things are such a challenge.

Edited September 24, 2010 by LS2242

[baddad]

Maybe it's less to do with the new thing being different, and more about the established thing not being the same, iyswim.

He expects the school day to be A - B - C, and when they introduce an X or Y into the equation, even if it's an X or Y he would enjoy under different circumstances, it just doesn't fit with his preconceptions about school. I think kids - autistic and NT - have two sets of needs. The first is the need for very concrete and absolute concepts (which is why, I think, it's so important in areas of i.e. discipline or bedtime routines) that are comforting and the other is for flexibility and change that stimulates and challenges. I think sometimes with autism there's a tendency for children to be more challenged by change/new experiences, and that often the response to that is to reduce exposure to change in an attempt to 'protect' them - a response that can actually make things worse rather than better.

 

I remember speaking about this years ago when doing earlybird etc. My feeling was (still is) that children need 'Islands' of safety throughout the day that they can negotiate around, rather than one big 'continent' of safety that can accommodate the whole day.

Taking 'Time' as an example: some autistic kids develop very rigid behaviours around set times for events - i.e. dinner time is 6.00 or lunchtime is 12.00 or drink time is 11.00 whatever. When the thing they anticipate doesn't happen at that set time they go off on one, but the anxiety has more to do with their lack of experience/understanding of 'flexibility' than it does with the actual event, or with hunger, or thirst or whatever.

 

Ben learnt to tell the time really early (I think 'time' is important to many autistic kids), and I made him a special face with Wacky Races characters on for the clock in his bedroom... In addition to the different cars (depending on their number) representing the hours I also had a graduated 'grey' area (both literally and figuratively) surrounding the hour, quarter and half past points. I could then say (i.e.) lunch is around 12:00, with the shaded area as a graphic representation of what 'around' meant. That stopped him getting hung up on the literal interpretation of TWELVE as lunchtime.

 

Again, at earlybirds, they made a big fuss about having sand timers and stuff. My own problem with that is that a sand timer is as rigid as the concept of a fixed lunchtime - a three minute sand timer will run out after three minutes every time. It just introduces another fixed period instead of a flexible grey area. I've seen as many parents trapped by the egg-timer as I have seen trapped by the hours on a clock or the fixed timings shown on a daily routine chart.

 

Applying that to school, the grey area you need to help him see is that school is usually about A - B - C, but sometimes it can be X or Y too, and that it is still school. The islands of safety will be parts of the regular school routine (going/coming home/staff/other pupils etc), but the flexibility can be developed around them.

 

Of course, that's only one interpretation and could be totally wrong, but given that he doesn't really mind any of the individual elements of the proposed event(s) there's a reasonable chance it's at least part of what's going on.

 

HTH

 

L&P

 

BD

[Karen A]

Hi.

Ben has AS and is 12.He is very bright and able academically and is generally doing very well.However he also finds minor changes very difficult and often becomes anxious about them.

 

I know that the anxiety is not about being difficult or stubborn the vast majority of the time because he can become very anxious when the activity is something he was really looking forward to.

 

I think that Ben finds it very difficult to predict what will happen in an unfamiliar situation or how people will react.So he very much prefers situations where he knows exactly what the plan is.

So he expects school to follow a particular timetable and if there is any change he always finds that difficult.

 

At the time he cannot always even explain what he is finding difficult.

Even if Ben has done various bits of an activity before [as in the case of your son and the various bits] he still finds it difficult to be flexible if they are not done in the same way.

 

So he is going to a climbing wall with the school in a few weeks time.He has been to the climbing wall regularly with is dad at the weekend.However if the routine with the school is different Ben would still become anxious and question why it is not the same as usual.

 

 

 

I have found it difficult this week because Ben has not been well and I cannot tell him when he will be better.So every day he has not known whether he will be getting up to go to school.He would rather know.

 

I went to a course run by a local Specialist Salt before the summer holidays on preparing for activities or outings.

We got some good ideas.These included having a calender of what will be happening either with pictures or writing.Having a written or visual schedule.Talking before the event about what will be happening on the day.Ben looks up the web sites of places we will visit so that he has an idea of what the place will be like.

 

Do school do any work with your son to prepare for new events or changes to the timetable ?

We have found things have improved since Ben started secondary school partly because there is a clear timetable and events tend to be planned in advance.

 

To be honest we have found over the years that it can be difficult to find a balance.

Some of the time we do have routines even at the weekends and when on holiday.

So ourselves and Ben can plan ahead and we all know what is happening which is much less anxiety provoking.

 

However there are times when we feel that we do not do things that we might have done otherwise because it is easier and it can all feel a bit too rigid.

 

Our elder son is nearly 15 and it is increasingly difficult to know what his social timetable will be .

 

It is a bit off topic perhaps.However I have wondered whether family members become less willing to take risks and more inclined to work to a fixed plan as a consequence of having a family member with ASD.

Karen.

Edited September 24, 2010 by Karen A

[Karen A]

I thought I would add.

Sports day may sound like a small change that should not create too many difficulties.

 

However Ben was extremely anxious last year for many many reasons.....noise,change in routine,lack of structure,sports that he could not do very well,different staff etc etc, unwillingness to support people he did not like even when they were on his team.

 

 

Every year when sports day comes round there are posts on the Forum.

So it may appear a small issue but it is I know a very common cause of stress here.

[LS2242]

I don't have a lot of time to reply right now. If this is down to not bring flexible enough, then what could I do additionally. He often needs to be flexible at home and this can and does cause anxiety, causing him to get angry at the flick of a switch. I can also relate to the time example as at 12 he does tell me I am late giving him his lunch. At present the school do nothing because he does not give them any hassle over it and we are awaiting our big meeting in a few weeks for more advice from the EP, behavioural support and the psychologist. I have a feeling though they will just say give him as much info and advanced notification as possible. This however as proved it does not work.

Why are ASD children less flexible I wonder - chemical imbalance or something?

[baddad]

I don't have a lot of time to reply right now. If this is down to not bring flexible enough, then what could I do additionally. He often needs to be flexible at home and this can and does cause anxiety, causing him to get angry at the flick of a switch. I can also relate to the time example as at 12 he does tell me I am late giving him his lunch. At present the school do nothing because he does not give them any hassle over it and we are awaiting our big meeting in a few weeks for more advice from the EP, behavioural support and the psychologist. I have a feeling though they will just say give him as much info and advanced notification as possible. This however as proved it does not work.

Why are ASD children less flexible I wonder - chemical imbalance or something?

 

Hi again ls2242 -

pushed for time here too, but a very quick observation:

 

At present the school do nothing because he does not give them any hassle over it

 

He often needs to be flexible at home and this can and does cause anxiety, causing him to get angry at the flick of a switch

 

See the inherent contradiction? If it was only 'inflexibility' that caused his anxiety/aggression then school would be hassled by it too... But the fact he enacts it in one situation and not another says more about the response/expectation/consequence in those differing environments than it does about his ability to cope with change. Often this is explained in a similar manner as the other forms of aggression (as you posted on previously) - that it is only in the home environment that he feels 'safe' to let it out. My own opinion - and I admit it's not the one endorsed by many professionals - is that that's a bit too 'pat' and easy, and that all children, whether autistic or not, will exploit any assumptions that favour them.

Another thing to think about - is it all change that causes a problem, or only change he doesn't welcome? If the change benefited him directly and immediately in some way would he be less likely to get angry? If so, you have another indicator that the problem isn't 'change' or inflexibility but him responding inappropriately to things that aren't part of his own agenda.

 

HTH

 

L&P

 

BD