Stressed out!

[BuntyB]

Hi, I am having yet another day off to try to sort DDs problems. Although my boss is pretty understanding, it isn't good for work, or my finances!

DD is refusing school (stuck a cry for help on education thread). She isn't sleeping, but considering she's in the equivalent of a rubbish dump (literally) I'm not surprised. She's sleeping like a tramp on a broken bed, bare mattress, dirty bedding. She's soiled a lot of her clothes and they're stuffed in a drawer with her clean washing. There's rubbish everywhere and the place stinks! She keeps asking for febreeze as if this would solve the problem! I'd like to get in there and just clear it out but she throws tantrums if I go near her room and says she'll do it (which of course she never gets round to)

 

i've explained i understand her room is private and if she would put stuff in appropriate places (washing basket, rubbish bin) I could leave her be, but when it's a health hazard, I have to do something!

 

We just get into a battle where she says I keep going on about it, but somehow I need her reasonably hygenic, in school, and being able to get to work. I sometimes wish I could educate her at home, but there's no way I can give up working.

[sasspy]

Hi, you dont say how old DD is. My son is 13 with ASD and capable of incredibly violent tantrums, however, the same rules apply. I am the adult in charge and he will do as i ask and if he doesn't then i will enter his room and take action and i do. Alsorts of things have been broken over the years in his outbursts but you can't let a room get into the state you are describing. My line to the kids is that it may be there bedroom but its my house and i pay for it! I do stick to a routine though, beds are always clean sheeted on the same day at thesame time come hell or high water and dirty washing is picked up from the landing nightly from outside there doors, if something is missing i will take strick action.

Sounds like you need some serious help. Are the school doing anything? We have a TAC team around my son and the PCSO's are fantastic, we have there mobile nos and if he will ot co operate we ring them and they come round and help. i would also try childrens services if i were you. you must urgently get some help, it si not acceptable to leave her in a room the way you describe. You need to sort that room and stay on top of it.

yOU MUST REMEMBER YOU ARE THE ADULT IN CHARGE.

good luck

[sinai]

hi

my sympathy goes out to you, please keep going.

i would like to say as in your other reply you do not state the age of dd!

a lot of the time, but not always i must state bed wetting and soiling is due to distress, this can be overcome!

keep going!, i hope you get to the route of the problem

[Beebee]

My son is 15 years old and we had his official diagnosis of aspergers in July. He seems to have accepted it(as he had already said that he thought he wasn't like his friends) however in the last week we to have had ome seriously violent outbursts , resulting in a broken wardrobe and t.v!! When asked why he get's so angry he says he doesn't know??!! Is this common with children/adults with aspergers? I'm not sure if this is a delayed reaction to his diagnosis or possibly just teenage behaviour.???? It sometimes feels like your the only one dealing with such issues.

[baddad]

My son is 15 years old and we had his official diagnosis of aspergers in July. He seems to have accepted it(as he had already said that he thought he wasn't like his friends) however in the last week we to have had ome seriously violent outbursts , resulting in a broken wardrobe and t.v!! When asked why he get's so angry he says he doesn't know??!! Is this common with children/adults with aspergers? I'm not sure if this is a delayed reaction to his diagnosis or possibly just teenage behaviour.???? It sometimes feels like your the only one dealing with such issues.

 

Hi beebee -

It could be anything, and certainly teenage hormones won't be helping any. I think the important thing, regardless of whether his new dx is part of it or not, is to respond the the violence exactly as you would have previously. If you make allowances for 'new' aggressive behaviours because you think they might be a reaction to his diagnosis you're setting a precedent for 'diagnosis related aggression'. His diagnosis hasn't changed him - he's not suddenly going to be able to 'do' things he couldn't do before or suddenly not be able to do things he could do before, and that includes self-control regarding aggression. There might be a period of adjustment while he gets his head round it all, but if he was feeling different anyway then ultimately having a dx to relate those differences to should only be a positive.

Having said all that, aggression isn't something you can ignore, so if things continue you may need to seek medical help. As I said, there can be many other things that manifest as aggression (any girl or friendship problems could be relevant at this age, for example) and that's still a support or medical need even if not an autistic support or medical need.

Hope that's helpful

 

L&P

 

BD

 

PS - just for clarity, I wasn't suggesting that you are responding differently to how you would have done a year ago, just offering that IMO if you are it's probably not going to be helpful.

[Mandapanda]

if he was feeling different anyway then ultimately having a dx to relate those differences to should only be a positive.

 

 

Many of us parents have been through a very difficult time around diagnosis, even if we expected it. Beebee's son is 15, not a little boy. Many (?most) teenagers want to fit in even when they know they don't?

[Beebee]

Hi beebee -

It could be anything, and certainly teenage hormones won't be helping any. I think the important thing, regardless of whether his new dx is part of it or not, is to respond the the violence exactly as you would have previously. If you make allowances for 'new' aggressive behaviours because you think they might be a reaction to his diagnosis you're setting a precedent for 'diagnosis related aggression'. His diagnosis hasn't changed him - he's not suddenly going to be able to 'do' things he couldn't do before or suddenly not be able to do things he could do before, and that includes self-control regarding aggression. There might be a period of adjustment while he gets his head round it all, but if he was feeling different anyway then ultimately having a dx to relate those differences to should only be a positive.

Having said all that, aggression isn't something you can ignore, so if things continue you may need to seek medical help. As I said, there can be many other things that manifest as aggression (any girl or friendship problems could be relevant at this age, for example) and that's still a support or medical need even if not an autistic support or medical need.

Hope that's helpful

 

L&P

 

BD

 

PS - just for clarity, I wasn't suggesting that you are responding differently to how you would have done a year ago, just offering that IMO if you are it's probably not going to be helpful.

 

Hi Baddad

Many thanks for your advice. My plan was exactly that, to deal with the aggression just as i would have before. If nothing else, he has realised how reliant he is upon his t.v and playstation..now that he doesn't have them!! I suppose since his official diagnosis, it has made me question lots of things. I have always tried to keep open communication with J and he has(as you say)confirmed that his diagnosis, is positive and in some way a relief to answering some of the 'queries' in his head. It has taken us years to get his diagnosis and now that we have, i find myself concerned for his future. But hey ho.....he is just the same J he always has been and has many lovely qualities......keeping positive and laughing at all the funny quirky things he does keeps us going.! :0)

Edited October 6, 2010 by Kathryn
to put quote and corresponding reply in same post

[BuntyB]

apologies- she is 14!