Just learned my father and brother may have AS

[peteo]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm Pete. i've found this forum after lots of reading about AS. I've been through a difficult few years wondering why my relationship with my father and brother is so emotionally distant.. It's been pretty tough actually.. over 10 years of depression, soul searching, looking for answers. I had a breakdown 8 years ago, which lead to my losing my job, home, and self esteem. At times I've been suicidal. Following a conversation with a friend, and some research, I've realised that AS could be the reason.

 

I'm really here to find out more about AS, from the perspective of other high functioning AS sufferers, and their families. Where do I go from here? I now need to rebuild my own life, in the knowledge that there was no malice in their actions and behaviour, it's just that that's the way they are wired. They are both caring, loving people, and happy in their own lives, but unfortunately unable to comprehend the situation from my point of view, or how their actions have affected me and other members of the family.

 

I'm also left with a deep sense of loneliness, knowing that there never will that level of connection I'd hoped for. Apart from my 90 year old grandmother on my fathers side, they are all the family I have left. I can relate to them both very well on their terms, but I have needs too.

 

Neither have been diagnosed.. they don't think there's anything wrong with them. They think it's me. If only I worked harder, made lists, did things their way, I'd be happy.... they believe. That works for them I guess, but they can't see that not everyone else is like them.

 

How do I broach the subject and address this? my grandmother is very together for her age, and I'm considering discussing it with her, but I don't want to hurt or worry her. She may be able shed some light on my father and his childhood which may help me confirm my suspicions.

 

Anyway.. nice to be here, and hopefully I'll find some answers.

 

Pete

Edited October 21, 2010 by peteo

[through variants we live on]

hi, pete i have AS, so from what you've said i'm not sure if you'd like how i process data and make points, but from the work i've done in myself, you already have all you need inside you to fix yourself and be complete without labeling your brother and dad, you really do

 

people (all) are not perfect, everyone is flawed, even people close to us, eg. my mum wasn't cuddly, i don't feel bad for a flaw she couldn't overcome (or didn’t even know she had), can i cuddle my kids, yes, completeness through transcending an issue, a parent seen in context.

 

(did i get to out there)

..

[peteo]

hi, pete i have AS, so from what you've said i'm not sure if you'd like how i process data and make points, but from the work i've done in myself, you already have all you need inside you to fix yourself and be complete without labeling your brother and dad, you really do

 

people (all) are not perfect, everyone is flawed, even people close to us, eg. my mum wasn't cuddly, i don't feel bad for a flaw she couldn't overcome (or didn’t even know she had), can i cuddle my kids, yes, completeness through transcending an issue, a parent seen in context.

 

(did i get to out there)

..

 

 

thanks the reply TVWLO .. or should I call you Variant? what do you prefer? EDIT.. Just saw you other post.. Adam it is!

 

I have no problem at all with how you process data and make points. In fact that's exactly what I'm here to learn about, so I can learn to understand my family better!

 

"Labelling" has somewhat negative connotations, and that's certainly not my intention. In fact my insights regarding AS have finally allowed my to understand and relieve myself of labels placed on me by my father and brother, which is great. In the last week things have really improved, my relationship with my father included. Labelling people is rarely a good idea, but sometimes it's essential to label an issue in order to address it.

 

The term for what I've been suffering, I guess, is CADD, as put forward by Maxine Aston and others. As you probably know it's a form of depression suffered by some NTs essentially brought about by the fundamental misunderstanding between AS and NT people (sorry, more horrible labels again!) in a close relationship, and simply knowing the nature of the misunderstanding goes a long way towards relieving it. Sadly there seems to be a lot of hate and vitriol directed at Maxine, which is a shame. A greater understanding of the issue will save a lot of marriages, and lots of pain and heart-ache for a lot of people.

 

Like you say, it's about context, and I'm now able to see the situation in the correct context. Having broached the subject with my father, it seems he too is starting to understand a little better too, so the outlook is very positive overall.

 

Again, thank you for the reply. I plan on hanging around and learning more about AS.

 

cheers!

 

Pete

Edited October 27, 2010 by peteo

[through variants we live on]

hi pete, lol, yeah wasn't trying to be mysterious forgot to sign, although "Variant" seems strangely fitting!

 

i hope i can still talk openly with you,. you read my other post about me, so you know i've spent the last 15 years analyzing people, a particular interest is perception leaked through speech/text. ie. you (not YOU, but a person) can't say anything with out leaking their perceptual state. when i read through your posts i see where you are in your head, and can see the way out for you. so if you look ahead, you get them labeled AS you get you labeled CADD, you slap you dad and brother in the face with the realization of the misconnection (but i feel you think it's them being wrong), that in it self wouldn't have put the work in to maneuver you in you head into the right place. the point being, after all the battles and more time has gone bogged down in it still (is that what you what more of the same place) you'll then end up at the place i'm pointing to up there, with you having to get to a place you can transcend your past and starting to LOOK FORWARD not back.

 

as i understand it autistic people are in a minority and AS even lower, i think you'll find you could (would have a chance to) connect with about 997.5 people in 1000, where your brother/dad would have the chance of 2-3 people in a 1000, rather than spending more time attributing blame, wanting penance, dump all that, spend that time starting to make those connections with the 99.7% of people, build the NT support structure, it is harder than pointing the finger, but the end result will be far better and exactly what you need.

[peteo]

cheers Adam. Of course you can talk openly with me! I glad you do, and please don't ever feel you can't. It's only through open discussion that we all move forward!

 

Just to be clear.. I'm not pointing the finger, wanting penance or getting bogged down in further issues. I've already dumped all that ... I'm celebrating that such issues no longer exist since I figured all this out.

 

Things have moved forward VERY fast since my first post just a few days ago. I've discussed it with my Dad, he's looked into it and read a few articles, recognised the issues and , recognised that our vastly different personality types, and lack of understanding by both of us was at the root of the conflict. He came to visit today and we spent a wonderful afternoon chatting, drinking lots of tea, walking in the park and generally starting again. I'm not one to dwell un-neccesarily on stuff. I like to address things and deal with them head on, and I'm glad I did.

 

Poor communication and lack of understanding between people, regardless of the reason behind it, is behind so much of the misery in this world, yet it is also one of the easiest problems to solve, with near instant results, one true understanding is established.

 

I'm very lucky to have great support network from many great friends, and discovering AS and it's related issues has basically resolved the one mental block I had... honestly, it's all good... couldn't be better!

[through variants we live on]

that does sound very positive

 

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