A general question (not ASD related)

[justine1]

Hi

 

My brother,who happens to have lots of experience with kids,has a problem with his own son. My nephew is a lovely little boy really however he seems to behave really well for my brother(his daddy) but mis behaves something terrible when his mum is about. They did have a second baby 3 mths ago and my nephew seems fine,not jealous but he has become clingy at times and gets "grumpy" when his mum is there. One example was that my brother,myself and nephew went to visit my dad the whole time we were there my nephew was brilliant playing quietly etc, his mum came and he started being really loud refusing to do things and even threw a toy at a relative. My nephew has chicken pox at the moment and his daddy was able to put calomine on while his mummy was out as soon as his mum came he was playing up and refused the calomine later that day,he also pretended as though he could no longer walk and wanted to be carried everywhere. Anyone got any suggestions on how to help this situation??? Thank you.

 

Another problem is,my other brother B came from abroad 3weeks ago, he is staying with my eldest brother(A).Brother B has some mental health problems, has a dx of bi polar and he has epilipsy, he has meds for both, he has been in and out of hospitals for 2 years.Anyway, he was lucky enough to get a job a week after he came to the UK which is brilliant and he seems to be working hard with his job. However brother A complains as brother B stays rent free so he would like him to help more in the house but he appears lazy or too "busy" to help out, it means I am caught in the middle. Yesterday it was brother A's birthday and our mum called from abroad to say that brother B had broken up with his girlfriend(who lives with my mum) and that he said he wanted to kill himself and is feeling down etc.

 

Both myself and brother A think its wrong that my mum has said this and has made us feel responsible for him when we got our own problems. I wanted brother B to come to UK as we never grew up together,he went with our dad and us two went with our mum, but now it seems to be everyone is soooooo stressed and not sure what to do Any advice?????

Edited November 9, 2010 by justine1

[Mumble]

I can't help with the first situation other than to say it's very very common for kids to act differently with each parent, even (or maybe especially) in the company of others. I see it so much with the kids I work with even in terms of seemingly little things - the difference in response you get with some if you say "Mummy's coming, coat on" or "Daddy's coming, coat on" is astonishing. I guess the usual 'rule' is that both parents should project a united front, be consistent in both applying the same boundaries and sanctions, and if they disagree, not to show it in front of the child. It may need quite a firm approach from Daddy: "No, Mummy's putting the lotion on" and not entering into too much conversation.

 

The second situation I think is a being cruel to be kind one, unfortunately. The most important thing is for you to look after yourself and for Brother A to do the same. Even if Brother B is making threats to his life, you need to be supportive but without being enabling/disabling by entering into this, if that makes sense. I've learnt this from the other side so to speak in terms of knowing the boundaries with my support workers, medical staff, etc. Of course it's a little different as you're family but it is about having protective support in place, seeking external help for his mental health issues/crises sooner rather than later, but not taking it on yourself. You are not responsible for him. In terms of rent/helping, I think Brother A needs to spell out a few home truths - you can't live rent free and you do need to help around the home - to the extent of probably drawing up an agreement/contract covering what he will pay/do.

[Kathryn]

Seems to be a common pattern - children behave worse around mum than dad. I don't know about your brother's situation of course, but Mum is usually the person who is around more, whereas Dad's attention can be more of a novelty (in a home where mum is the primary carer). Chickenpox will obviously make him uncomfortable and cranky so they may need to give him a bit of leeway till he's better. If his annoying behaviour is because he is feeling insecure and wants attention, ignoring or playing down the negative stuff and giving him lots of positive attention at other times, may help.

 

Regarding your brother - I think he should be paying rent if he's working, and doing a few basics like washing, washing up, helping with meals etc. Time for brother A to lay down some house rules? Regarding the other issue I think feeling down after a break up is normal, but if it goes beyond this,he needs to seek help. Is he registered with a GP yet? I'm not sure what you can do apart from nudge him in the right direction of support - or is the problem more with handling your mum's stress over the whole business? Poor you - you've already got so much on your plate!

 

K x

[justine1]

Thanks Mumble and Kathryn <'> very useful advice.I just feel my mothers interference is causin more of a problem then the situation itself and also felt that brother B should be telling us how he feels not phoning the otherside of the world he is here now and should get used to that.

 

I told Brother A to draw up a rota so the chores are there then they dont need to nag brother B,they said he is forgetful so it may help with that as well. Brother A is quite rigid he likes things done straight away and brother B is laid back, they have never really got along. Brother A, because of his disability, also gets angry as brother B is able bodied(aside from the mental health problems) he is physically able to do more so again it angers brotherA.

 

I just feel my dad (who is poorly too) and I are stuck in the middle of this. I dont want to get to involved so as to not alienate brother B as I feel he may feel like this already. I lived with brother A and his wife when I came to the UK and I know how over bearing they can be at times, I have offered for him to stay with me instead but I think everyone knows its not very practical for me.

 

 

As for my nephew, his mum is actually the main breadwinner, my brother works but he has days off whereby he will look after his son to cut down on childcare, but his mum is at home now due to maternity leave and I think this is whats causin the problems now, he is trying to soak up all the time he spends with her. Thank you for you comments its really helped to express thins on here, dont really tell my friends whats going on and needed to let it out.

[KezT]

Re the nephew being clingy and naugty round mum - iyt is very common for older children to "revert" when a new baby comes along. Its a kind of jealousy, even though the child may not feel at all jelous of the baby and may be quite brilliant with it!

 

The classic advice is to allow the child to be as babyish as they want to when they want to - if that involves carrying him around/going back into nappies for a while or giving him a dummy etc, while at the same time highlighting all the things he can do because he is a big boy that the baby can not do, because they are too small.

 

It also helps if mum tries to find some big child time without baby.

 

In most cases the behaviour onlylasts a few weeks - it feels like a long time when going through it, but looking back its not too bad

[baddad]

Hi -

 

Don't really have any ideas about the second situation, other than that in your situation I'd leave the bothers to sort it out rather than allowing yourself to be the 'piggy' in their game of piggy in the middle. While I agree that your mum shouldn't be laying off her concerns on you i guess it's understandable that she's worried, particularly if bro B has some depression/mental health issues. I do agree with mumble, though, that whether depressed or not he's ultimately got to take responsibility for his own life. It may well be that at 'home' with mum that's not been an expectation, so you have any unhelpful precedents set there to contend with as well as the immediate and local issues...

 

As far as baby and mum goes, i think you have to look closely at the difference in how dad and mum respond. It could be that mum is a bit of a pushover compared to dad and 'gives in' more. Alternatively, if there is a new baby on the scene it could be that the dynamics have changed more dramatically, and your nephew is trying to make sense of (or perhaps repair/control) it. Before the new baby came along was dad very 'hands on'? Did mum allow dad to be 'hands on', or did she like taking most of the responsibility for your nephew herself? Many mums are reluctant to take a step backwards - particularly with their first - and can feel quite threatened when dads play a significant role. When a second baby comes along to demand mum's undivided attention dad is allowed in to 'pick up the slack' with the first child and the whole of the parenting dynamic changes. To the grown ups that seems perfectly natural, but to the 'displaced' littlun it can seem, even if not deliberate or intended, like a rejection from mum. If you can suggest it (difficult I know)I'd try suggesting to your bro and SIL that they practice, as much as possible, an 'equal parenting' regime, so that dad is looking after the new baby as much as mum is, and mum is finding golden time etc to reassure the older child that he's not displaced. It might be even that traditional roles need to be re-jigged to create the new 'windows' - i.e. if dad always used to do older son's bath time but was less hand's on at other times then bath time may actually be the place for mum to take over and dad to step back, because it balances out all of the new situations where mum used to be 'hands on' but now can't be. I hope that made sense - it's a hard concept to explain in a sentence!

 

Hope that helps

 

L&P

 

BD

[justine1]

Thank you Baddad Actually, as I mentioned in my other post, my brother is more hands on then SIL (she is not very maternal TBH), he stayed at home with my nephew from when he was 4 mths old (he worked as well)but my SIL works furthur away,longer hours and higher pay so naturally they agreed my brother should be at home with the baby. So basically my nephew's discipline is from his dad and therefore has always been less inclined to listen to my SIL.However now with both of the parents being around him almost 24/7 I guess it could be he is now confused as his mum is giving discipline, whereas she would only see him in the evening bath and put him to bed.

 

The situation you describe is almost complete opposite of their situation but explains exactly what is going on. Mum is seen as the "fun guy", dad as the "firm guy", now I think the situation they are in is making it harder for my brother to enforce the discipline. I think because my little neice is still being breastfed(she is just 3 mths old) it makes it hard for my brother to spend more time with her, they are trying desparatley to get her on the bottle for this very reason, so that my brother can do some of the feeds. He is quite nervous with her as she is much smaller than what my nephew was and because...she is a girl! He has only changed her twice! So I definatley agree with your suggestions.

 

They dont have a problem with me suggesting things to them because I do it all the time When I had my second son (Sam) Josh was outwardly jealous behaved aggressively towards him, luckily(and unluckily) their dad was not around so I had nobody interfering that much with the discipline, so I never experienced what they experiencing right now, thats why I came here to seek advice on their behalf.

Thanks again.

[baddad]

Thank you Baddad Actually, as I mentioned in my other post, my brother is more hands on then SIL (she is not very maternal TBH), he stayed at home with my nephew from when he was 4 mths old (he worked as well)but my SIL works furthur away,longer hours and higher pay so naturally they agreed my brother should be at home with the baby. So basically my nephew's discipline is from his dad and therefore has always been less inclined to listen to my SIL.However now with both of the parents being around him almost 24/7 I guess it could be he is now confused as his mum is giving discipline, whereas she would only see him in the evening bath and put him to bed.

 

The situation you describe is almost complete opposite of their situation but explains exactly what is going on. Mum is seen as the "fun guy", dad as the "firm guy", now I think the situation they are in is making it harder for my brother to enforce the discipline. I think because my little neice is still being breastfed(she is just 3 mths old) it makes it hard for my brother to spend more time with her, they are trying desparatley to get her on the bottle for this very reason, so that my brother can do some of the feeds. He is quite nervous with her as she is much smaller than what my nephew was and because...she is a girl! He has only changed her twice! So I definatley agree with your suggestions.

 

They dont have a problem with me suggesting things to them because I do it all the time When I had my second son (Sam) Josh was outwardly jealous behaved aggressively towards him, luckily(and unluckily) their dad was not around so I had nobody interfering that much with the discipline, so I never experienced what they experiencing right now, thats why I came here to seek advice on their behalf.

Thanks again.

 

Hope they're all feeling back in balance soon Dunno how your bro is keeping his hands off t'ut babby though... I'm like this round 'em:

 

 

Edited November 11, 2010 by baddad

[Karen A]

The situation you describe is almost complete opposite of their situation but explains exactly what is going on. Mum is seen as the "fun guy", dad as the "firm guy", now I think the situation they are in is making it harder for my brother to enforce the discipline. I think because my little neice is still being breastfed(she is just 3 mths old) it makes it hard for my brother to spend more time with her, they are trying desparatley to get her on the bottle for this very reason, so that my brother can do some of the feeds. He is quite nervous with her as she is much smaller than what my nephew was and because...she is a girl! He has only changed her twice! So I definatley agree with your suggestions

 

 

There is solid research evidence that where possible breast feeding is by far the best start for a new baby and far beyond three months.Although it does make it more difficult for fathers to be involved there are other things dads can do.It is very natural for a sibling to be jealous of a new baby.However please do not push too hard to get the niece onto bottles.It is likely to disrupt breastfeeding altogether.

 

I do not have all of the research to hand as Ben is 12.

However please encourage your sister in law to talk to a breastfeeding advisor before making any decision.

I did try to transfer Ben to bottles with expressed milk but he would not have it which is not unusual.

 

It is very normal for a couple to find it difficult adapting to a new baby.Having an older sibling makes things more complicated but it is very normal..

[justine1]

There is solid research evidence that where possible breast feeding is by far the best start for a new baby and far beyond three months.Although it does make it more difficult for fathers to be involved there are other things dads can do.It is very natural for a sibling to be jealous of a new baby.However please do not push too hard to get the niece onto bottles.It is likely to disrupt breastfeeding altogether.

 

I do not have all of the research to hand as Ben is 12.

However please encourage your sister in law to talk to a breastfeeding advisor before making any decision.

I did try to transfer Ben to bottles with expressed milk but he would not have it which is not unusual.

 

It is very normal for a couple to find it difficult adapting to a new baby.Having an older sibling makes things more complicated but it is very normal..

Thanks but she has to as she is going back to work end of January, she is a physio, as I mentioned she is the higher earner without her they wouldnt be able to own their home go on holidays etc. She did express with my nephew, when she returned to work but she found it very hard so I dont think she will do so this time.However for now she is expressing in the bottle just so the baby can get used to it.

 

It is odd that with my two NT boys they breastfed until age 2, went straight onto cups and eat very well. My two ASD boys had bottle feeds from 6 mths, I had to do so with Sam as he was underweight so I did bottle and breast and with Dan I was working alot so his dad fed him, I could never express so he went straight to formula, and again they dont eat well. Not sure if its connected but just interesting

 

 

Thanks Baddad The baby is sooooo cute! Plus she is the only girl, on my side of the family( my parents have 6 grandsons altogether), so she is super spoilt

[baddad]

Thanks but she has to as she is going back to work end of January, she is a physio, as I mentioned she is the higher earner without her they wouldnt be able to own their home go on holidays etc. She did express with my nephew, when she returned to work but she found it very hard so I dont think she will do so this time.However for now she is expressing in the bottle just so the baby can get used to it.

 

It is odd that with my two NT boys they breastfed until age 2, went straight onto cups and eat very well. My two ASD boys had bottle feeds from 6 mths, I had to do so with Sam as he was underweight so I did bottle and breast and with Dan I was working alot so his dad fed him, I could never express so he went straight to formula, and again they dont eat well. Not sure if its connected but just interesting

 

 

Thanks Baddad The baby is sooooo cute! Plus she is the only girl, on my side of the family( my parents have 6 grandsons altogether), so she is super spoilt

 

Babes and boobs -

 

I'm fairly sure there's research to indicate that kids on the spectrum are more likely to have had feeding problems as newborns, but opinion is divided as to whether that's because they lack the 'latching' instinct or because the bonding process breaks down for other reasons. In my son's case, mum tried breastfeeding for three weeks or so, but it wasn't a good experience for her or baby. With hindsight, it seems unlikely that was all down to non-instinctive latching problems, but that's not to 'blame' mum in any way either - it's just how it was. Having said that, baby (born underweight) gained weight rapidly, both on the breastmilk he could get in the first few weeks and formula thereafter, and was pretty insistant about trying solids quite early! At about 12 - 18mths he started getting pernickity about food, but that was soon sorted, and ever since he's been eating me out of house and home...

So I think the weaning thing is different for many kids on the spectrum, but I'm not sure the difference has to do with breastfeeding (but I do agree, if possible, that it's far and away the best option). Justine - I'm amazed at your description of your SIL 'expressing into the bottle'. She just bypassed the pump all together, then! Reminds me of the old joke about the guy in the doctors surgery.

 

Dr: Would you mind urintating in the bottle on the windowsill over there

Patient: What from here?

 

Whether bottle or boob, I hope the baby thrives and continues to be super-spolit until such a time as it becomes inappropriate to do so. All babies deserve that, cos they are all - even the funny-looking ones - garjuss!

 

Oh - being a nurse, you'll probably be up on all the 'Dr's shorthand', but there's one I particularly like:

 

FLK / FLP = Funny looking kid, funny looking parents.

 

I also like NFN (Normal For Norfolk), NAGS (Needs A Good Slap), but dislike TMB, as that, these days, is likely to appear somewhere in my records....

 

(Too Many Birthdays)

 

L&P

 

BD

[justine1]

Babes and boobs -

 

I'm fairly sure there's research to indicate that kids on the spectrum are more likely to have had feeding problems as newborns, but opinion is divided as to whether that's because they lack the 'latching' instinct or because the bonding process breaks down for other reasons. In my son's case, mum tried breastfeeding for three weeks or so, but it wasn't a good experience for her or baby. With hindsight, it seems unlikely that was all down to non-instinctive latching problems, but that's not to 'blame' mum in any way either - it's just how it was. Having said that, baby (born underweight) gained weight rapidly, both on the breastmilk he could get in the first few weeks and formula thereafter, and was pretty insistant about trying solids quite early! At about 12 - 18mths he started getting pernickity about food, but that was soon sorted, and ever since he's been eating me out of house and home...

So I think the weaning thing is different for many kids on the spectrum, but I'm not sure the difference has to do with breastfeeding (but I do agree, if possible, that it's far and away the best option). Justine - I'm amazed at your description of your SIL 'expressing into the bottle'. She just bypassed the pump all together, then! Reminds me of the old joke about the guy in the doctors surgery.

 

Dr: Would you mind urintating in the bottle on the windowsill over there

Patient: What from here?

 

Whether bottle or boob, I hope the baby thrives and continues to be super-spolit until such a time as it becomes inappropriate to do so. All babies deserve that, cos they are all - even the funny-looking ones - garjuss!

 

Oh - being a nurse, you'll probably be up on all the 'Dr's shorthand', but there's one I particularly like:

 

FLK / FLP = Funny looking kid, funny looking parents.

 

I also like NFN (Normal For Norfolk), NAGS (Needs A Good Slap), but dislike TMB, as that, these days, is likely to appear somewhere in my records....

 

(Too Many Birthdays)

 

L&P

 

BD

OMG Thank you so much I havent laughed so much in ages

[Karen A]

OMG Thank you so much I havent laughed so much in ages

 

I was going to post about my experiences expressing never having needed to use a pump.

However decided that it might not be in good taste.

[Mumble]

I was going to post about my experiences expressing never having needed to use a pump.

However decided that it might not be in good taste.

You know that comments are just asking for trouble...