Am I over reacting or just mourning?!

[Frizz]

Hi.

 

Today was the school play.My aspie DD had a small speaking role & was dancing with 35 other kids & naturally we went to watch & support her in this achievement.

 

Perhaps I should start by explaining that DD attends a mainstream school with a department.She has somewhat challenging behaviour at times,with agressive outbursts & a number of exclusions as a result.She has transport to & from school as it is some distance from where we live,therefore we are rarely present at the school & dont know any of the parents.

 

Today we settled into our seats,then realised we were seated infront of 2 very vocal & annoying couples but alas it was too late to move.The children entered the hall & immedietly one woman pointed out my DD & they began saying such awful & abusive things that I was literally shaking. My DH is suffering 'man flue' & totaly engrosed in the performance heard nothing!!

 

Some comments made about DD included: She looks & acts stupid.She is a little B**CH,If she came to our school(??)she would get a good beating,Oh god she's coming this way,if she comes near me i'll give her a good kicking.......................

I bit my lip very hard & held back the tears,left very quickly at the end & when the teacher stopped me to say how well DD had done,I gave her a brief outline of why I was upset & walked out.

 

DH's response to my anguish was"You could tell they were idiots as soon as we sat down,just take no notice" Grrrrrrrrr!!!

DD noticed I was glum throughout the performance & commented on it afterwards.I know she has issues & is immature for her age (& my, did I notice today,how immature & un streetwise & different she is from other girls her age),but she is still my daughter & those comments really hurt,so much so,that it's almost midnight & i'm still feeling sick in the stomach!

 

So, my question is,AM I over reacting? & do I feel SO sad because today I realised just how different DD is & that she wont develop into the confident,sassy kid that the other girls are growing into?

[bid]

I don't think you are over-reacting at all. Many years ago now I was sittting in my GPs waiting room, and two women started talkiing about children with special needs in the most awful way. I was reduced to tears and told the receptionist, who let me sit elsewhere.

 

Looking back, I shouldn't have had to move, those two women should have been spoken to, but at the time I was so upset I just complied.

 

Bid <'>

[Kathryn]

<'> <'>

 

I don't think you're overreacting at all. You were very restrained - I would probably have opened my big gob and made the situation worse.

 

What a bunch of ignorant prats - hopefully you won't have to meet them again.

 

K x

[MarieM]

Hi, you are definately not over reacting. It is horrible to hear what other people say about our kids. I have had a few incidents over the years, but try as you might to ignore and forget it you can't. When my son was in reception my parents went to see him in his school play and his SSA made him sit with his finger up to his lip to "remind him not to shout out"! Even if other parents didn't know he had problems before they did after that. She didn't stay long after luckily. Its only natural to feel a sort of mourning especially if it is the first time you have seen her with others. I still get a lump in my throat sometimes when I see my son with so called normal kids and he's 16. Saying that his manners are a lot better at times than theirs. Anyway, be proud of her and ignore ignorant low lifes like those two. Also stop being hard on yourself, we all feel the same at some point.

[Karen A]

I don't think you're overreacting at all. You were very restrained - I would probably have opened my big gob and made the situation worse

 

Yes me too.

Fortunately my husband can see such situations developing and most of the time he stops me before I do too much damage.

 

Karen.

[Boy]

Those are horrible and inappropriate things to say about any child, and I'm not surprised that you're upset. I think you did well not to kick off, although perhaps you could have made a complaint about them to someone and had them removed/spoken to. To say that they would give her a kicking if she comes near them is threatening, even if they had no actual intention of doing so. Sometimes people dislike certain children, and that's normal, whether they have special needs or not, but I would at the very least expect people to keep that sort of venom to themselves. No one else should have to listen to it, least of all the child's parents.

[Sammysnake]

Dear Frizz I am so sad for you that you met those awful people and heard the disgusting things they said about your girl. There is so much I would like to say but I know I'll start ranting as I am so upset by what happened to you and keep playing over in my head what I think would have happened if I had been there (let's just say it's not pretty )

 

Putting 'them' aside, I wonder if anyone recorded the play and if school could get you a copy. It would be lovely if you could see it again without those horrible people around and have a chance to really appreciate your daughter's great achievement.

[Tally]

I don't think you are overreacting. Those comments were very hurtful.

 

Your feelings about seeing how different your daughter is are a different thing to the comments you overheard, but I think they are probably quite normal too.

[coolblue]

I'm afraid I would have pointed out to the parent that they were talking about my child. I can think of a few more things I would have liked to have said, but I have learned to hold my tongue. So sorry your daughter's performance was ruined for you.

 

cb

[mum2angels]

I think you deserve a medal for being so dignified and restrained. I have been in similar situations with our daughter and it is so hard to have to listen to these comments. I regularly stand on the school yard at home time, and have to endure the mums who moan that their child is 'stuck next to the weird girl' in class, it absolutely breaks my heart. (to be fair, I harbour a secret longing to give them a piece of my mind when she leaves primary LOLOLOLOL)

It concerns me that these people's attitudes are probably passed on to their children and it probably explains why my daughter has so few 'true friends' in mainstream.

At the end of the day, your child is fantastic and probably (like mine) doesn't have an ounce of malice in her at all. Hold your head up high !

 

Have to say sammysnake's idea is brill ! if you could watch the play again without the ignorant rude comments, that would be lovely..

[Frizz]

Just back after a full on day visiting family & how lovely to read all your comments & know it was ok for me too feel how I did. I haven't spoken of it again with DH!

 

I have to say that I can be quite a fiesty person & dont tend to hold back,so I shocked myself at how quiet I was & how distressed it made me feel.I think if I hadn't been sitting in a hall full of parents watching their kids perform I would have said something.I dont know really,its hard to say.

I wonder if it will be followed up at school or if I will recieve a phone call as I did tell the teacher that the performance was spoilt for me by some women slating my DD,using foul language & being abusive.I then uncharacteristicaly stormed off.

 

Thankyou all for your kind words,they have made me feel better.I like the idea of the video-maybe I will ask the teacher.

[Sally44]

I think you were probably very emotional too because you noticed how 'different' your own child appeared. That can be upsetting in itself. So you weren't in the right frame of mind to tackle anyone.

Have a think about what you would do or say next time. Just being prepared helps.

I think that if you had said "excuse you, but that child you are talking about is my daughter". That would have made them feel very uncomfortable, which they would have deserved. But they sound like the kind of people where your words might be wasted.

I think it would be perfectly fine to talk to the class teacher about this because you do need some reassurance that that is not how everyone is feeling about your daughter. The views of parents are taken up by their children.

 

And i'm sure that all the parents on this forum would agree that all our children do grow up and develop new skills. She may always have difficulties in certain areas, but she will move on from where she is now. And if she does turn into a sassy, cheeky teenager you will have other problems that come with it!!

 

As long as you feel her needs are being met in the learning environment she has, then that is all you need to think about.

Edited November 22, 2010 by Sally44