"Hello" from parents struggling to understand 5 yr old son

[jboo]

Hi, and thankyou for such a great forum. We are worried that our son may have Aspergers and have started the diagnosis process with a Community Paediatrician who also suspects that this is the case. We are struggling to understand his moods, anger and frustration and don't know how best to help him in the family home. He is having a hard time at school saying that "everyone hates me" and "no-one will play with me" and that he is being bullied which is awful for us to hear and know how to handle. We suspect that he is alienating himself by bossing the other kids around and by trying to dictate the play, (which he does at home with his younger siblings), but it is difficult to determine if this is the case as we're not there! There are a couple of points that the Community Paed. mentioned that we're unsure if they "tick the boxes" for our son if he does have Aspies and we're wondering if anyone can help us out. Our son seems to have a good imagination and occasionally shows an interest in other people's feelings and he also seems to be aware if we're not listening to him (e.g. if we break eye contact) so does this rule him out or is it possible to have Aspies and these characteristics? His rage and frustration has drastically increased since he started primary school, but should these characteristics have shown themselves at a younger age, or could he just be an unhappy and misunderstood little boy that doesn't have Aspies? He seems to be doing OK academically at school.

 

Thankyou.

[averagemum]

Hi Jboo,

 

We have a five year old boy (6 in less than a month) who has been flagged as being on the Autistic Spectrum. His first playgroup almost called in the area SENCo due to his 'babyish gait' and exaggerated negative reaction to any kind of physical or verbal guidance - but then he seemed to make progress so it was forgotten about. We moved counties and his second playgroup noted that he played 'alongside' children at best but never with them. Nothing specific was suggested and we all hoped that he was just a slow developer. He is a sensitive, fun-loving child, affectionate and caring - particularly with his younger siblings.

 

Despite there being only 70 pupils in his entire primary school (just 12 in his reception class) the increased size of social environment started to reveal some more serious social communication difficulties. He was hitting out at Teachers and peers, incapable of sitting still for more than a few minutes, they struggled to get him to concentrate on anything he didn't want to do and he was clearly unhappy a lot of the time, though not all. By Easter I was so concerned at the vague reports of his behaviour I metaphorically pinned the School SENCo down and asked her just how bad was his behaviour? Was it within the realms of 'normal'? That was the first time anyone suggested that he had an ASD.

 

My gorgeous little boy does not tick the classic boxes for Autism - He loves a cuddle, he is bright with a good imagination. He is struggling with his learning because of his lack of concentration and anxiety. Sometimes, especially if someone is cross with him he seems to 'zone out' - which is tough to deal with as a parent. He sometimes seems to wildly overreact to someone knocking a tower he has built over (for instance)- crying and making a fuss you just wouldn't expect from a boy as old as him. Sometimes he is just impossible to deal with. His language development is 'quirky' sometimes - with a particular difficulty naming time ("This happened last day", "at the first of the day", using 'why' instead of 'because' etc..). Some of his extended family cannot accept that he has an ASD because they misunderstand the range of abilities possible within this spectrum. Me... I think he has a mild case of Aspergers. He has been referred, we will wait for the interminably slow wheels of the Local Authorities to assess him. In the meantime, the school are trying to implement strategies where they can.

 

I have come across a lovely little book written from the perspective of an Aspergers child. It takes about the same time to read as it takes to have a nice big coffee and a piece of cake. When I read through it it just sounded so much like my lovely boy (although a it was more severe in symptoms). It might help you identify the challenges your child faces.

 

Can I Tell You About Asperger Syndrome?: A Guide for Friends and Family

by Jude Welton and Jane Telford

 

I apologise for such a lengthy post but I know just how helpful I have found it when people share the specifics of their own cases with me. I hope it helps you to feel more confident that, just because your child is not the poster child for a particular disorder, it doesn't mean he doesn't have it :-)

 

All the best

Averagemum

[Mandapanda]

Hi

 

In my experience, difficulties do increase when children start/change schools, due to being in a more difficult environment socially/sensorially. Also as children all grow up the discrepancies between them show up more.

 

I would suggest reading books by Tony Attwood, as he puts across the positive aspects of ASD as well as the downsides.

 

Asperger's/autism are fascinating to me, and once you get into the right mindset it should become easier (in most cases) to deal with.

 

I found with my boys that they need warning of things, but not too much information to 'worry' them. They need clear explanations, without hints, sarcasm or being expected to 'read between the lines'. They would not respond to a warning glance from me, I would have to actually say 'you are making me cross', or 'you are doing (whatever) wrong'. They need things spelled out clearly.

 

In my experience anger is almost always the result of frustration and confusion. Changes can be very difficult for them to cope with, and again they need warning of these and wherever possible an explanation of why things are changing.

 

I did find the controlling play thing did improve with age. My youngest son taught my eldest how to play more imaginatively even though he is also on the spectrum, so there can be variations. It's more about social imagination, empathy, compassion, knowing that other people might not be feeling the same way that you do, but again there can be variations in these abilities.

 

You may find your son needs 'time outs' to calm down when he gets in a state, then when he is calm you may be able to talk through what led up to that situation - you may need to work backwards from the angry behaviour - 'what happened just before that'. It can take a long time and a lot of questions to get to the cause!

 

My eldest son had always been 'odd' (I mean that in a nice way!). He loved books from 9 months old, could do any shape sorter by 1 year (shapes were his thing), and was obsessed with cars from 9 months old. He could recognise any of Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends from their silhouettes and even learned his numbers from them. He was very observant and loved the Usborne books where you look for the duck on each page, he would find them instantly. He was a lovely little chap 95% of the time, but the other 5% of the time he was completely impossible! He loves routine. We thought that was normal and all parents had that experience, until he was diagnosed at 7.

 

My youngest was a miserable child, but he taught his brother to play imaginatively, they would make all their cuddly toys Pokemon and run around the house, going to the 'play area' or the 'shops' etc. Before that my eldest would just have a toy car and I would have one and we would make the cars talk to each other - that was the extent of his imagination. My youngest had separation anxiety, he was a nightmare with clothes and food, and hates routines. He was difficult 40% of the time but not as difficult as his brother's 5%. He appeared more sociable, but in the end has been rendered virtually housebound by anxiety (which I find much more difficult to deal with than his ASD).

[Natterer]

My daughter is being diagnosed as Asperger's at the moment. She has a fantastic imagination - just not a very good social one. So she can tell the most fabulous lies, write amazing stories, and indulge in all sort of fantasy...but freaks out if she's going somewhere new. She does Tae Kwondo and watching her spar (ie work out what the other person might do next) is gut-wrenching!

 

She also has a very good understanding of other people's feelings. She can understand other's feelings and motivation, but does not see how this affects her or the way she should react. She can, for example, be incredibly understanding when her sister is upset and try to comfort her...as long as the upset does not challenge her routine or wishes at all, in which case the upset person can just stay upset!

 

I don't think that Asperger's would rule out either having an imagination or some degree of empathy. It's knowing what to do with that piece of information, along with all the other information that comes in at once, that challenges my little (probable) Aspie! x

 

Hang on in there. DD is 8...she has a tough time in reception and yr 1 but she's got the hang of school now! The only bit she hates is Golden Time! As an infant teacher myself, I think the EYFS is not an ideal curriculum for Autistic children...old fashioned Reception learning, which is a lot more structured, would be less emotionally demanding for these children.

 

Natterer x