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[UtterDoclector]

Hi, I have aspergers syndrome, I'm 19 and I'm in need of some social advice. For a long time now I've used xbox live as my only point of contact with other people outside of college, as it seems impossible for me to socialise otherwise. I personally don't think this has much to do with my aspergers, but due to my previous experiences with severe bullying I'm anxious around people in real life. They seem to have no reason not to attack me, and I'm not socially acceptable, I don't have any interesting talents, I'm not cool, and I'm extremely ugly. I'm a good person, but since when did that matter to them?

 

Anyway, my problem is that, one by one, my xbox friends are disapearing. I used to talk with quite a few people, Luke, James, David, Joe, and Lee. All of them lived in birmingham, and I live near Exeter. I met David on a forum and it went from there. Luke started to be hostile and rude to everyone else, saying things being people's backs. He was rightly exiled from the group, the only one who I am never going to miss. Lee just kinda dropped off the radar, then David got a girlfriend and started going out more. We saw him less and less. Same thing happened to Joe. I barely see either of them now. James and his friends are the only people I really talk to now, that and another person with aspergers named Josh, who's a good friend, but it helps me to talk to, for want of a better word, "normal" people. I am sorry for that terminology, but I really don't know how else to put it.

 

Now James has started going out more as well, and right now he's online but isn't talking to anyone. I think he thinks I'm pathetic and he hates me now I'm the only one without a "life". I've only ever had a girlfriend for two weeks, I didn't lose my virginity to her, and she was only using me as a stopgap until she found someone better.

 

I don't know what to do. I wish I get a life as well, but it seems impossible. It seems like I wasn't born with whatever you have to have for people to care about you. I've tried so hard, but no-one seems to notice. How could I find new friends on xbox live? At least I still have Josh online, but like I said, it helps me to speak with people who don't have aspegers now and again, and in a way, I always feared that. That I would end up penned in, only ever "allowed" to socialise with other people who have a certain disability.

[loulou]

Hello UtterDoclector,

 

I don't know if this will be of any help to you, but i would like to try. My son is 12 years old (he has AS too) and he has no friends outside of school. He goes to a residential school over 100 miles away from home so none of the boys live near us.

 

He plays on his PS3 online most of the time when he's home and he has lots of "friends" online. He also gets upset/frustrated when these "friends" aren't talking to him, or disappear. What i say to him, is not to take it personally. They don't know that they are the only people he "talks" to and they don't realise that he's upset if they don't talk to him regularly. Some of them may be busy working or doing other things. PS3 is my son's main interest and it's very difficult to get him to do anything else.

 

Some of the people you chat to online are probably also busy doing other things, it's not that they don't like you or don't want to talk to you. Chatting online to other gamers isn't that important to them. From what i've seen watching my son playing Call Of Duty, some of the other gamers can be pretty rude and send offensive messages. I have told him to block anyone who does this, as they are NOT the sort of people you want to talk to anyway.

 

The other thing i wanted to say, is that people who don't like someone if they're not cool/talented/beautiful are not the sort of people you want as friends. Genuine friends like someone for their personality/kindness etc, and as you said you are a good person. That's what counts. As for finding you some genuine friends, i don't think you are going to find them on xbox live. This is not the place for "real" friendships, just casual chit-chat.

 

I am always telling my son that he needs to find other interests, but he finds socialising outside of school very difficult. Do you have a part-time job? This may be a way to meet some new people. Do you have any other interests?

 

I hope this has been helpful,

 

Loulou

[Boy]

When I started using forums I made 'friends', although very few (as I also struggle socially online, it seems). However, I also found that whereas in our teens lots of non-autistic people can also struggle socially (for various reasons, even if it's just that they can't afford to go out or are too young to go out 'properly'), lots of those who I used to think were friends have sort of 'grown up' and gone their own way, and we don't speak as much anymore (or at all).

 

The best friendships I actually have are casual ones. I know people in the punk scene through going to gigs (which I will admit took some extra support for me, and a cousin initially used to come with me until some older punks sort of took me under their wing; good thing about the punk scene is that, although they're obviously not all autistic, they are misfits, and are as such more accepting of people who are a little different, or even a lot different). I'm now in a band and this has meant that I get included in things a lot more (such as invites to non-gig related pub outings, which I'm comfortable with since getting to know people enough to attend and because I have a very nurturing best friend who comes with me). It took me a long time to find this 'niche' and I have dropped off the radar a few times and reappeared due to problems with anxiety and socialising, but it goes to show that it can happen. I'm not particularly close to any of them, but that is almost better because there's no drama, just nice people hanging out together every now and then. And it's a good feeling to be included when you're used to being excluded and ditched by people.

 

Another thing with 'online' friendships is that there's lots of space for miscommunication (even for autistics who might communicate better via text than verbally!). I've thought people weren't talking to me when the truth was that they weren't talking because they thought I wasn't talking to them. So sometimes it does help to 'put yourself out there' a bit and send the first message, or an email.

 

It is extremely difficult to find places to go where you might make friends, or hobbies that actually lead to friendships (because you could have the same interests as someone else but still struggle to converse with them), but I find it helps if you can get at least one person onside to go to these things with you, or a bigger purpose (perhaps if you volunteered somewhere you had an interest, or if you are old enough get a Saturday job somewhere, like a game shop, where you can talk to people who are interested in the same things as you).