Bulling again

[dana]

Hi,

 

my ds (year 7) told me that he has been bullied at school by 8 children, called names and was threatened. He tried to tell the teachers about it but nobody wants to help him, either they don't want to believe him or they openly say that they don't care, this is secondary school and he has to manage those children by himself!

 

Tomorrow I have a meeting with SENCO and probably some of the bullies' parents will be there as well. I want to talk about the whole thing with them.

 

Does anybody have any sugestions what to do tomorrow and how to deal with this? I have a feeling I am up against the whole school, including the bullies' parents!And I am all alone!

 

Ani advice appreciated.

 

Dana

[Sally44]

Is anyone coming with you?

If not, is there any chance of someone from the Parent Partnership coming on short notice. Or a friend.

Ask that notes are taken so that what is discussed and agreed can be circulated to everyone.

The school should have an anti-bullying policy. Ask for a copy of it.

 

Do you have any specific dates of specific incidents of what happened and what was said? Do you have names of teachers he has tried to tell? Have this information with you.

 

Does the school use anything like dinnertime clubs, mentoring or buddying, or circle of friends approaches? If not would they consider them. If not, why not. Your child will have difficulties with language and social interaction and emotional recognition in himself and others. He will not be able to just deal with it.

 

If he had a support network of chosen children around him they would also be able to back up any claims of bullying.

 

I'm sure others will have more specific advice.

 

Don't feel intimidated. Try to remain calm. Remember that the school can be expected to make 'reasonable adjustments', and that they can seek outside professionals help and advice.

[baddad]

I think the most crucial thing from the outset is to avoid the words 'bully' or 'bullying'... Those words make people very defensive (often for the very reason that they know they do apply) and more often than not in a way that confuses 'defense' and 'attack'. I'd also avoid any language that makes your son appear as a 'victim', because again any suggestion of 'victimhood' implies an aggressive role for others involved.

Discuss very carefully with your son what he says is happening, and make sure he's 'seeing' what's actually going on. This is bound to be an accusation that's levied anyway - that he's 'misunderstanding' - so the more clear you can be in your own head (and he can be in his) the better you can defend him. The best thing, if you can, is to identify one or two very specific events that cannot be misinterpreted or otherwise explained, and to expand out from that once you've established a 'context' for further dialogue. Don't name names (though having a couple to hand as potential 'bombshells' to drop wouldn't be a bad idea), and (this bit's hard) try really hard not to get upset. Tears can work very well in the short term, because they make people feel guilty, but once the guilt wears off they usually just feel manipulated (please understand, btw, I'm not suggesting you would get upset purely to manipulate, but if you do get upset that is how some people - especially any who felt defensive for other reasons (see above) - might see it.

 

Good luck for tomorrow, and for any 'prep' tonight.

 

L&P

 

BD

[dana]

Thank you Sally for our reply.

 

Hi Baddad,

I found your advice really useful. Although my first instinct is to use the words like 'bulling' I don't want to atagonize the school. I know I have to be very diplomatic if I want the school to help ds. It is very tricky.

 

I asked my son to put on paper the names of his bullies, exactly what they've done, reactions of the teachers and how he feels about it. He wrote that some children(he named them) called him names, spit on him, mocked his voice and threatened him on numerous occations. He also wrote that one of the teachers even threatened him with detention if he carried on complaining with explanation that 'she doesn't care,this is a grown up school and he is expected to manage by himself'. The other teachers reacted in the similar way (inluding the headmaster to whom he also complained)After that ds wrote how this all made him feel. I think that might be a good idea to present this at the meeting and ask what they are going to do about it. However, if the whole school has this attitude I am not at all sure that I can do anything to help ds.

 

Is this a good idea? Any sugestions appreciated.

 

Danaxxx

Edited January 12, 2011 by dana

[baddad]

Hiya dana -

 

very quick reply for now, but I'd be cautious about criticising the staff in front of other parents - especially if you're not sure about having the sympathies of the parent's either.

The difficulty with what your son has written is that there's not any specifics... Ask for the names of the teachers/where/whens/context etc, and then speak to the head about those incidents. Ditto the kids involved : who/when/where/why/context. Also any witnesses etc. Sounds to me like you really need more time to prepare for this - how did this meeting with senco arise, and why are other parents there? If it's just a general 'school meeting' rather than specific to the problems your son's encountering I'd probably, in your shoes, just do some prep groundwork tomorrow, so you can 'discuss things properly further down the line'.

Hope that's an option, and that tomorrow goes well

 

L&P

 

BD

[dana]

It is a general meeting with SENCO and parents, nothing to do with my son's difficulties. However, the purpose of it is to get some comments from parents how to improve SEN department.

 

I have been thinking to go along with the meeting and perhaps start with more general isues about bulling before I throw any specifics about my son. I am also not very comfortable about doing it in front of everybody at once so maybe to speak with SENCO after the meeting might be a good idea.

 

I have been thinking to ask my son to keep a diary about every incident, to have it ready on paper. The problem is that ds has difficulties in expressing himself so it will be hard. Also, he will be forced to remember things he wants to forget. It took him the whole Autumn term to tell us about his problems at school. We thought that everything was fine and had no idea that he was bullied. I've asked him why he didn't tell me earlier about it and he said that he wanted to forget it.

 

I am using this here but my tears have dried out, I wish I could have a 'good cry' at least when I am alone. My DH is very upset about the whole thing, especially because his other 2 sons (from his previous marrige) were also bullied at school and they are NT.

 

Danaxxx

[Kazzen161]

If it is a general meeting, then by all means ask how the school handles incidents of bullying, but do not raise your son's issues at this meeting. Seeing the SENCO after the meeting to make an appointment to discuss the issues would be good, and by then you may have gathered some more specific details re: the bullying.

 

Bullying is not a SEN specific issue, but you could ask what parents should do if their child has any difficulties at school (eg: who to contact and how).

[Sally44]

I agree with all the above.

But as Kazzen says, if this is just a general meeting you do not want to monopolise it or get into specific details of incidents infront of all these people.

Go and discuss 'general' issues around SEN and what the schools bullying policy is and what children and/or parents should do regarding this subject.

Then go home and think what you want to say, who you want to be with you at any meeting, and who you want to arrange the meeting with eg. SENCO or Head.