related disordersindigo child/delusional

[gazmcfaz]

Hello everyone! I joined this site an hour ago.

 

I'm gary, I've just turned 21 but I feel about age 15. I went straight into work when I left school as I got bullied and didn't want to go to college with those same kids. I managed to get jobs really quite easily, but when it came to actually doing them, for those hours each day, and having to constantly take in and process information and look at people, I always got overwhelmed and had to quit the job, and run home, because I couldn't cope. I repeated this about 20 times in two years, always being unable to cope with work, the longest I managed was ten months part time shelf stacking in the evenings. Something always seemed to go wrong and make it too difficult to go back to work the next day, no matter what career I seemed to try.

 

Eventually at age 18 I got very very drunk at a house party, and am told [ I don't really remember much], that I was found outside the back of a pub, screaming, swearing, and whacking my head and fists into the metal railings. I was held down by six bouncers, and a passer by called my parents on my phone she found in my pocket. I was kept in hospital overnight for observation, then released the next day, after being told to get help for drinking...

 

So I went to my Gp, who had already diagnosed me with depression when I was 15. I went through about 6 different head doctors and community workers, and finally, I saw a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with traits of aspergers syndrome. He was a little confused. In the medical notes, he has written how some of the traits I give off are very like those with an autistic disorder, but some of the other things I do are in keeping with borderline personality disorder.

 

I changed every time I went to see him, not on purpose, but sometimes I would be the little sweet child like man, seeking help for my troubles with the world, and other times I would be very angry at the way I had been treated by people and misunderstood, and come out with delusional ideas about violence and living arrangements. One of which was I was determined to live in the back of a ford escort in the new forest in a car park so the police couldn't find me.

 

Anyway,in 2009 I was lead astray by two guys I thought were my friends, as had happened before. 6 months later, I was charged in court, and sentenced to two days in prison. I was driven there in the van direct from the station. I got interviewed by a nurse inside, and broke down, crying and screaming how much I hated myself for what I had done, unable to cope with where I was and that I was trapped. Another nurse saw me, and they put me in my own cell in the hospital wing.

 

I found it very very hard to cope in there, knowing I couldn't get out, I'm not claustrophobic but the idea that the door wouldn't open and I would have to somehow get past gate after gate to escape over whelmed my brain. I broke down again with severe feelings of derealisation, and had panic attacks, all through the night. Even when I managed to get a night nurse to come to the door to speak to me, it was too much. All I wanted was to be allowed to sit in the hospital wing with someone, but they wouldn't let me until 9 am the next morning. The only rest I got was around 4am when i managed to get myself to sleep after crying for so long.

 

I got through the next day by writing poetry about how wrong my life had gone, and watching tv. Veronica mars was on all day so I just watched that as I sat and wrote. It got to night time again, and I started to panic, knowing that although it was my last night, that door would be closed on me for 12 hours. So, to stop it, I convinced myself that the door wasn't really locked, but that I was in an army base, and I had been instructed by my officer [i was an army cadet] to stay in my room and sleep, for if I opened the door I would be punished. I made myself believe there was an army truck, full of my comrades, that had been flown back across from afghanistan, driving down from scotland, all through the night, that would take me to another base in the morning, so I needed to get my rest for that trip. I believe that was the only thing that got me through that second night.

 

When I got released the next morning,. I stood outside the gates, and had the most awesome feeling I have ever felt, of being free. I literally started crying at the feeling of being out of that building and back on mother earth.

 

After that, in the start of 2010, I saw my life differently. I stopped seeing very many people, and made new friends, out in the countryside. I wanted to hide away from humanity so badly now that I had been jailed, so I spent pretty much 4 months of my life riding my bike to and from my new friends house, I even planned to live there at one point so no one would know where I was, and thus, couldn't jail me again if I did anything else illegal.

 

I tend to do things without thinking and only realise afterwards when I see the consequences, I can't see whats going to happen after I do something. The guy that got me jailed in the first place hated the fact that I was now out, away from him, doing whatever I pleased, and became jealous of me. He tried to get me into trouble with the police again and sent me taunting texts, asking if I had been jailed again yet, knowing how scared he made me feel.

 

The last time I saw him was in early december at a club, where after he whacked his arm into my back, then started saying nasty things to me, I pushed him away from me, then laughed, put my hands in the air, and screamed out to everyone in the club that I was being attacked and was not doing anything back. He got escorted out the club. The next day, he drove round to my house, and tried to get me into trouble with my dad, who told him basically to get lost and stop being so obsessive with me.

 

Now, after my 21st birthday, I'm being told im weird for acting like a child, I'm too afraid to leave my room or the house most of the time unless its late at night as there are no people around to hurt me, I can barely move most of the time because I feel so fatigued, I have no drive to do anything with my life except write and try to help others, because to me, right now it feels like my life is fu'''d.

 

Most of the time I sleep about ten hours and take mini naps twice a day. I keep getting told I'm lazy and stuck in a rut in my life, but all I want to do most of the time is just lie here, and do nothing, if I do nothing, nothing can hurt me, and I can die quicker. Why do I have to do anything? Theres no point trying to do anything because every time in the past I tried to do something good, it turned out I was either being used, or doing it wrong or somehow offending other people. So, if I spend the rest of my life in my room here, nothing can hurt me? I'm hidden from the world here, I don't really wish to be a part of it.

 

I get told I'm weird because I often say stupid things that come into my mind. When I was ten, I had no friends at school, excepy my pet monkey louis who I took in with me and spoke to him instead. No body at the time thought anything was wrong with me for doing that! When clearly something was wrong! I can't ever think about having children or a mortgage, because that would require maturity and dedication, I just don't have it within me to be a sensible adult, as I said before, I feel like a child in a mans body. Odd isn't it, that I feel like a child, except, a child with an incredible talent for knowing facts and figures, but has no clue how other people view him. Because I appear normal, people think there is nothing wrong with me and I'm just being stupid and should have to act like them.

 

From the stress these last few years have caused me, I have developed a form of violent ocd towards myself, some delusional ideas and some very strong derealisation features. I have felt out of this world for the last year and a half, I look at things, or people, or myself in the mirror, and can remember how it felt to be ''clicked in'' to reality, but can't force my brain to relieve me of this feeling that I'm not real. It is a defence mechanism my brain has conjured to deal with the extra stress it has been put through. I guess I just want people to know how hard it is to cope in this world when you don't look any different from a normal person

 

I'd really to like to hear from anyone who has related disorders or thinks they may know what is wrong with me or can think of a way to help, and am sorry that this post is so long. Thanks all, gary

Edited February 10, 2011 by Tally

[Mandapanda]

Hi Gary

 

I'm sorry to hear how difficult life is for you. I would suggest you print out your post and take it to your doctor, and ask to be referred for some more support from your local Mental Health Team. It sounds to me like you may need some ongoing support for a while, and perhaps to be taught some techniques to help you cope with certain situations that you find difficult or which can lead you along the wrong path.

 

Best wishes

[bid]

I wonder if a mod might please be able to break up this long post with some spaces so that it would be easier to read, and then the OP might get more responses?

 

I know that I haven't been able to read this post.

 

Bid