Am I better off staying out of it?

[BuntyB]

Daughter is in year 10 and has been having problems at school; people name calling and upsetting her.

School gave her some strategies, all of which involved her removing herself from the classroom or avoiding people. She didn't want this because she said it made her feel excluded, so now school say she doesn't engage with their strategies and it has been brought into question whether she is in the right setting.

Presently she goes to one class where she feels safe and does the rest of her work in the library which is an improvement on avoiding classes all together. As far as i know, nothing has been done to address the name calling and I get the impression school think it's inevitable because she doesn't act or look like other kids her age.

despite everything, she wants to stay because the only girl she regards as a friend goes there, although the timetable means they don't see each other much.

 

After the first meeting when they suggested a specialist setting I was quite cross and wrote a letter after pointing out (as politely as I could) that they weren't dealing with the bullying issue and that her education was suffering by effectively being excluded from lessons.

 

The last meeting we went to was awful, perhaps because I identify with my daughter in so many ways and had similar problems. The setting of professionals round a table was intimidating and it seemed like we didn't count. They asked her what I thought were impossible questions to answer. They suggested she goes into different classes; she asked if they were 'lower'ones and so they said it isn't about whether they are lower it's about whether she will be able to attend. They asked us to look at college, but there's nothing that appeals. they are vocational courses and she is more academic. Daughter has always worked at a high level and hoped to go to Uni and I applaud her for that but they have said it is up to us to give her more realistic goals!

 

the latest addition to the meeting suggested by daughter was 'dictating' what was going to happen and a behvioural (agreement?) was needed?

 

I felt like crying when I came out. It took me until I was 40 to get to Uni because of the damage done by bullying at school, and for much of my life I let myself be a victim. I wanted so much better for her. Now I'm not sure if I make things worse and would really be better off letting her Dad deal with meetings.

[bid]

Hi Shona,

 

The first thing that occurs to me is that the school are putting the onus on your daughter...she has to move or avoid these people...rather than tackling the people doing the bullying.

 

Have you considered contacting one of the anti-bullying charities? I did this many, many years ago, and they were able to advise me on the best way to approach the school, and the best way to phrase things/write a letter, etc. Maybe this might help you if you find yourself getting very upset?

 

HTH

 

Bid <'>

[dm2010]

The school has a legal duty of care to prevent bullying.

This isn't an 'ask nicely' issue. The school is breaking the law, because this personal abuse is going on during the school day on school premises.

 

Such abuse at work would result in grievance and disciplinary action. Because if they didn't the company would be sued for negligence.

Edited February 12, 2011 by dm2010

[anewman]

Sadly I suspect nearly all Aspies are bullied at school, and I think it is disgusting they try suggest she is not academically able or should go into lower level classes to please them.

 

I agree the school should do more to prevent the bullies bullying. The best approach would probably be for the school to send letters to the parents of all children telling them one student in particular is being bullied and if any further bullying happens sanctions will be made (although not sure what these sanctions could be as I doubt they can kick them out of school - perhaps detention?) Then the onus is on the parents to make sure it does not happen and your daughter can tell whoever is appropriate who has bullied her and they can be punished as appropriate. Once some have been punished sufficiently, then the others will stop bullying and the problems should all tail off (I would hope). Schools always like to see the minority as the problem because dealing with a majority problem is more difficult. If I were a parent I would be going into that school and probably be bordering on having them call the Police on to me. I would make demands and not take no for an answer and stay there until they accept my reasonable proposal.

 

Are GCSE's at college not a possibility, even if she has to travel? When I went to college, one where adults also studied, I found it a much nicer place than school. And I eventually went on to University. I would suggest though to start thinking soon about what type of job she would like to do and whether it is feasible, so she can select her studies based on that. I studied Psychology at University and got a first, but I now feel I would have been better off had I studied computing as I think employers in that sector do not mind a bit of Aspie type behaviour.

Edited February 13, 2011 by Tally
name-calling removed

[dm2010]

These days it's easy enough to buy cheap audio data recorders based on a USB memory stick that can store the last 12 hours (or longer) of sound they are exposed to. Mobile phones often have such functionality too. I would recommend all aspies carry such live data recorders with them (or perhaps tape them to the underside of a desk) for use as evidence in bullying cases where it's verbal rather than physical abuse.

 

This can be used as police evidence to bypass the school if they won't cooperate.

 

Generally I think it's time to stop sidestepping this issue and expose it for what it is - offensive behaviour by individuals that is illegally condoned by school authorities. Such behaviour is not tolerated anywhere else, so why should schools be different ?

[Kathryn]

Oh Shona, so sorry to hear this. It's hard to deal with meetings when it's an emotive issue for you as well. It may help if her dad goes to the meetings, either with or without you.

 

Have a look at the ACE booklet below, it's got useful advice in it, much of which you may have already done, but it may give you a few more ideas on how to get the school to tackle this.

 

http://www.ace-ed.org.uk/Resources/ACE/advice%20booklets/Tackling%20Bullying%202010.pdf

 

Mobile phones often have such functionality too. I would recommend all aspies carry such live data recorders with them (or perhaps tape them to the underside of a desk) for use as evidence in bullying cases where it's verbal rather than physical abuse.

 

I don't think this is a good idea. Most schools have strict rules about using mobile phones, the misuse of which could lead to sanctions against the pupil, which would only add to the problems.

 

K x

[dm2010]

Oh Shona, so sorry to hear this. It's hard to deal with meetings when it's an emotive issue for you as well. It may help if her dad goes to the meetings, either with or without you.

 

Have a look at the ACE booklet below, it's got useful advice in it, much of which you may have already done, but it may give you a few more ideas on how to get the school to tackle this.

 

http://www.ace-ed.org.uk/Resources/ACE/advice%20booklets/Tackling%20Bullying%202010.pdf

 

 

 

I don't think this is a good idea. Most schools have strict rules about using mobile phones, the misuse of which could lead to sanctions against the pupil, which would only add to the problems.

 

K x

 

I'm not up to date on mobile phone use in schools so I had a google on it. This is a typical policy and it includes all digital devices not just phones. Sounds pretty sensible.

 

http://www.royalhigh.edin.sch.uk/content/information/policies/Mobile%20Phone%20Policy.pdf

 

Basically states you are not allowed to make or receive calls or texts when in lessons, or physically use the phone in your hand. Also bans photography at all times. It stays in your bag with the signal switched off to avoid phones going off in lessons. Nothing to say you can't leave it in your bag as a passive sound recorder with the phone capability switched off.

 

It would be crazy anyway to ban such use - many times at school I wished I had an audio recording to replay the contents of a lesson so I could better understand what was being taught after the event. Most teachers I know would be flattered if students audio recorded their lessons for playback later.