Looking for like "minded" people. My story

[K_46]

Hello All

 

Here is my story, that i want to share. I'd love to know if people have had the same experiences and looking to find friends/community that understands.

 

I am not a diagnosed Aspie but have known all my life that i am different. Over the past year i have been searching for answers to my strange behaviors especially as i began a serious relationship with an incredible man and did not want to fall down the same pit holes that i have done on previous "attempts" at relationships.

 

Initially i put my social impairments down to adolescent abuse and figured if i dealt with those issues i would become "normal". I presumed my lack of empathy towards myself was because of blocking out difficult memories. My experience almost seemed like a dream and not in this reality. Facing the reality would solve everything. I was wrong.

 

As i hit 30 and came in to a very demanding role as a business owner, my 'symptoms' became much worse. I seemed to change, i could no longer handle normal everyday life. I was depressed, crying alot and turning in to my mother (this point was bad, although i love my mom)! It was like hitting a switch from normal-ish to completely crazy! I couldnt speak to people, especially could not look people in the face, I was not leaving my house and using it as an excuse to work at home. My need for answers was becoming critical!!

 

My new obsession; ME!

 

The more i searched for clues as to why i am, the more i began to discover about myself. Things i thought were normal in my school years, even the childhood bullying (there is always someone who is bullied, i just happened to be that someone, so what?), or the little obsession i have are just 'me', actually started to form a pieces of a complicated puzzle.

 

I came across articles about ADHD and started to research the condition and symptoms. I took many of the online tests which i always seemed to get top marks for. Although i knew these could be easily biased and anyone could "pass" them the symptoms and personality traits were strikingly accurate. I knew this must be something i have BUT something was still not right, something didnt quite fit. I began to do more research on ADD Sub Types and began the possibility that maybe there was some birth trauma to my brain.

 

In my continuing efforts for more information i found a very interesting article regarding food and ADHD. A few years back i stopped eating wheat and dairy products all together as i became severely intolerant. After 3 years i finally managed to get tests done but after such a long period away from these foods the tests came back negative for coeliac disease and lactose intolerances. I also began felt ok eating these foods in small quantities so began to introduce them back in to my diet. However i am now noticing affects again.

 

This article lead me to GFCF diet and to Autism/Asperger's.

 

(As you can maybe gather i am a computer geek, i spend most of my life at my laptop and online. When it broke down a few months ago, i cried!)

 

The more i read about Asperger's the more i became convinced. I was sure about ADHD but this explains EVERYTHING! My whole life has been written in countless books and studies done with people just like me!! Not just me though but my mother, my grandmother and now also my 6 year old niece who i just found out is attending an after school club because she is having trouble socializing. She is branded as being 'very shy' for her age. The picture in the puzzle is becoming complete.

 

As i mentioned before i have started a business with my partner and although i have previous managerial experience from a multinational organisation (in software btw) this is really tough! paperwork is coming out of my ears, i am drowning in emails and everyone is looking to me for direction and authority. I have become very depressed, my emotions are totally unstable and my confidence is, i have no idea where.

 

Recently i have begun to have thoughts about not existing anymore. I wouldnt say i am suicidal. I love my family and partner too much for that but if a fatal 'accident' were to happen would that be so bad??? I do not like to think like this at all. I have a great life, i live in Thailand, have a business a wonderful partner and prospects, how can i possibly want it to end. I am just so lonely and so lost in my head. no body understands, i try to talk with my partner and he puts it down to my childhood trauma. I can't seem to communicate with him how i am feeling. When i explained ADHD, i was being a hypercondriac. The more i try to point out my deficits the more i just seem to look like an incapable being, it makes him frustrated, i am frustrated.

 

Last night i was reading Dr Attwood's guide to Asperger's. It mentioned mood disorders and the likely hood of having a mood disorder with Asperger's, leading me to bipolar disorder. (Arent i a catch!!)

again the symptoms seem to ring true. I have had many periods of my life of severe depression and illation. Only the other day my hairdresser commented that she was concerned about me, she said i changed from being very low to happy in the space of 30 minutes. I didnt notice anything.

 

I feel ever so lost at the moment. How can i have gone all my life not knowing that these conditions exist if they do? I have gone from (thinking i am) being relatively normal with a different outlook on life to having multiple mental health problems and i need of help. Who am i and how do i move forward and can i do that where i am and who i am with.

 

My conclusion then; the stress of my new job, life and relationship has brought out my Asperger syndrome to noticeable levels, coupled with an episode of depression and allergy to GFCF and a possible case of OCD (i havent gone in to that one). Or i am just depressed and looking for a reason to blame it on.

 

I am hoping i can find some 'friends' here to talk to help me move forward and maybe i can help someone too.

 

Thanks for your time.

 

 

K

[K_46]

by the way. i know you shouldnt self diagnose with any condition but unfortunately i do not have access to medical care like we have back in the UK. The more back ground research i do the easier it will be to find a place/solution to get help.

[dm2010]

Aspies make hopeless boyfriends or girlfriends because they never understand the political side of temporary relationships, especially between younger people.

 

But as a husband or wife Aspies can be brilliantly successful. You see what you get without exception. And if you're going to be together for 50 years, a political agenda won't work anyway.

[Mumble]

Aspies make hopeless boyfriends or girlfriends ... But as a husband or wife Aspies can be brilliantly successful.

Arranged marriages all round then?

[bid]

Ahh, I can kind of see what dm2010 means!

 

I was never able to cope with the mind games that seem to be part of relationships, at any rate in the late teens/early twenties.

 

But I have been married forever to someone who is very straightforward.

 

Bid

[Tally]

Hi K, and welcome to the forum.

 

There is a lot in your post that could point to Asperger's. I do think it's well worth your while investigating this further. But abuse, depression and ADHD can all have an impact on social skills, so it's by no means a clear-cut case. Even a skilled professional would have a very hard time untangling everything and working out what is what.

 

It's possible you have a number of conditions. All the possibilities you have mentioned can co-exist. Abuse in particular can have a very long-term impact and is likely to be a factor in your difficulties. You are clearly struggling a great deal with depression.

 

Remember that you have had more time to think about this than your partner. It sounds like you've done a lot of research and thinking and are already coming to terms with the fact that you do have difficulties. Maybe he just hasn't quite caught up with your progress yet.

[K_46]

Hi everybody

 

Thank you for all your the replies. I didnt go much in to depth about all my symptoms, i was not initially looking for confirmation or not but just an outlet to speak what was on my mind without prejudice and maybe with people who could relate. I'm not normally a forum goer but this interaction is a huge help. so thanks again.

 

Tally your advice about my partner is very true, i can not expect him to understand when i suppose i dont fully myself. I am not a very good communicator either and finding the words and expressions to try to talk about it is pretty impossible. It comes out very monotone and matter of fact like i'm reading from a book (which i kinda am but you know what i mean). He does not even know i am suffering from depression. He believes i am just finding this job tough because i am disorganised and shy and i just need to "toughen up a bit".

 

dm2010 i wish i could believe you about being a brilliant "wife" to my partner. i cant say i feel remotely brilliant at the moment. I can not even communicate to him, i feel like a complete stranger, pretending to be someone who i am not. I would love nothing more than to be dealing with all of this as a partnership. Being able to rely on his support and coaching in how to interact with the general populous and pulling myself through it, but that's the kind of thing that normal people do. They work things out together, talk, make plans etc, i find it very difficult to do this with even everyday things in life. As Tally said i am more advanced in my knowledge and i dont know where to start to begin introducing this in to our relationship. Also this is not what he signed up for. When we met i had not long moved to Thailand, nobody knew me so i was confident, independent and i had my own place where i could hide and be myself when i needed to. In fact most of the symptoms started to surface when i began spending more time at his house. I had never been in a dating kind of relationship before so I could not judge the situation at all, especially as on a day to day basis people change, they have good and bad days and the situation changes accordingly. My whole time in his house would be trying to gauge his mood and reactions to my questions or actions. Should i talk now, what should i talk about, is it rude to make myself a drink, would he be offended that i didnt feel comfortable too, should i make myself at home, should i not, would he appreciate it if i cleaned or cooked or did something romantic in his house or is that invading his space and territory, how long is acceptable to stay, is leaving too soon a sign i am not interested or bored.... endless questions in my head and never knowing if the choice i did make was going to be the right one. I felt like a prisoner in my own body and mind, with relationship paralysis . When we were at my place it was totally different there were no boundaries or rules because they were mine to set, it was easy. Now we live together and i still dont know the answers to many of these questions or my role as a co-hibiting partner. The clues are now even less obvious as after nearly two years, i presume i am supposed to know this stuff, know him.

 

I have some much to learn!!!!

[dm2010]

Partners have to understand - don't assume an Aspie knows how they are feeling. So all it takes is to speak up when you are not happy or want something - don't use non verbal communication because it doesn't work.

 

Once that uunderstand is reached, things become very productive because Aspies are famously predictable and reliable. Just what is needed for a long term relationship to succeed.

 

My advice would be to take courage in both hands and tell your partner about AS, its problems and its benefits. And the fact that so many people with AS achieve great distinction in their fields.

 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Edited March 19, 2011 by dm2010

[K_46]

courage taken!

 

It's difficult to gauge the impact but it's a huge load of my mind. There is still a long way to go for us both to accept who I am and workout viable coping strategies but just being at this point is a major step forward.

 

Luckily i am a strong person and have always been determined to succeed and have done so doing things my unconventional way. I have good and bad days and just need to learn to use the good days and resources around me more to my advantage.

 

Tally; thanks i will investigate further. Half (maybe more!) of my problem is not acknowledging my issues, i'm not afraid of a diagnosis, it's accepting and admitting it.

 

 

Thanks for the advice and the nudge!