been asked to talk in NAS spell 2 training event!!!

[smiley1590]

i been interested in doing a talk on my personal experiences with A.S and situations and i text N.A.S senior manager and asked her for any opportunities to arise to take part in as want create more knowledge and information she text me couple days later and said new support staff training event on tuesday 12th april 9.30-4.30pm ( SPELL 2) and i have been given a twenty minutes to half an hour slot in afternoon to talk about what AS is to me! quite excited also nervous too! lol but hope i can help educate staff better from hearing it first hand and also do other clients justice on my story!

 

XKLX

[BethK]

ohhh now that sounds interesting! Congrats and good luck x

[smiley1590]

just typing up what i want to say now!

[smiley1590]

this is what i going to say want your personal opinions please?!

 

Me and my colourful A.S life ….

 

My name is kirst I’m 21 years old I live with both my parents and my twin deaf blind brother.

 

I was born 3 months premature I weight 2 pounds went down to a pound I had hole in my heart which closed with help from medication. I nearly died but I’m born fighter survivor and battle on and through.

 

I was officially diagnosed with A.S at 14 years old not best of moments or times due to puberty stages beginning hormones hitting rapid fast speed at you everything changing and begin to ask where does A.S start puberty finish as both merge together making it rough period to go through.

 

I had major severe anger issues I personally believe hidden behind depression. I been to some dark places and had dark dangerous thoughts and even acted dark at times I feel guilt bad about regret but can’t take back. I now have managed to gain control of my anger but has been hard challenge to overcome like everything else taken effort hard work true when say nothing comes easy in this world true in our world that’s for sure!.

 

With A.S my emotions are everywhere a lot of time and play with my head thoughts make me paranoid ,insecure, hard to tell what reality with what A.S playing cruel mind games tricks on you feels like A.S laughing in your face. One minute I can be sky high next minute flat empty numb low. Switches so fast.

 

It is hard and difficult to put A.S into words, describe when I live it day in day out everyday but going to try and explain in the best way I possibly can make it clearer to understand what it is like …

 

A.S is missing jigsaw which isn’t neat PERFECT doesn’t slot in right in your life that can be hard and difficult to swallow at times. A.S is shadow constantly follows me around. A.S is sneaked see through and hidden so have to look more deeper closer and override stereotypes judgements and stigmas that in my past have come my way clung to me through education system

 

the negative comments which dragged lowered my self esteem right to bottom and lose trust and faith in everyone and everything. As you start to believe in comments made which made me frustrated angry confused. I used think why me! Must be my fault I’m to blame. ( e.g I was naughty, disruptive lazy etc) being sent out my self esteem was at an all time low anyway due to dyspraxia.

 

When I was let down education system like so many others like me out there they spoilt happy memories of school for me. I was bullied for years at school seemed like I was everyone’s target punch bag I was a lost confused little girl I knew I was different to my peers but just didn’t know exactly what it was. I didn’t say anything to my parents about bullying they found out as was ashamed embarrassed that let it happen to me I felt weak scared.

 

Having A.S can be lonely and scary place to be at times as feel like don’t fit or belong anywhere in this ‘normal’ world and no one understands you or your world. I sometimes feel like a burden failure sometimes like can’t get anything right at all. I feel my family and friends don’t deserve me.

 

A lot of thoughts going round like washing machine in my head seems so tiring mentally and emotionally is like a rollercoaster with no brakes sometimes feel like have no control over my life and don’t know who I really am I get so worn down fed up just have enough of fighting back grinds me down to the point of desperation, depression and suicidal thoughts.

 

I worry and get anxious about every little detail spec of routine, structure and daily life of how I going to manage cope, with A.S with me. I feel like I have no sense of identity A.S robs steals that from me and pride too out of my life.

 

I feel so alone even though I have supportive understanding family and few best girl friends. My family keep me going strong without them I would have given up along time ago.

 

I sometimes feel trapped in A.S world and feel like I’m in child’s mind and body.

 

I crave ‘perfection’ ‘normality’ hoping one day come and find me and all be fixed back in place where should be I fool myself sometimes.

 

College

 

I went to mainstream college for three years I studied at tresham institute when first started I was Mental health wreck emotionally weak. Depressed, and just rock bottom and found hard to keep on track with anything but each year went on I got stronger due to commitment of lovely supportive tutors helped mould guide me on right path but was hard to remain balanced all time.

 

I started off volunteering at nursery in Kettering for 4 hours every Friday. Boss saw my dedication, hard working attitude and decided to put me on the bank staff list so work part time I love the challenge it sets me gives me focus purpose everyday routine /structure and the work girlies are understanding and supportive and my boss we are have giggle laugh have fun and I enjoy and interested in development of children.

 

I do find sensory issues can be challenging though when noise volume is raised slightly is painful and when kids speak to me their voices are muffled can’t make out what they saying to me at all that can be annoying frustrating. Working gives me self esteem /confidence I feel wanted needed part of team and this helps build structure network foundation of what has been lost in systems I been contact in past lack belief and faith in me and my abilities.

 

I get a high buzz and head rush from work. I feel part of society something I though it was impossible dream. So when given chance of opportunity prove my abilities I can shine and show people what I made of strong stone unbreakable.

 

I want to help with understanding and awareness with A.S I want to write my own book one day of AS life experience poetry as each tells pain heartache misery I had no choice but to face head on I couldn’t avoid A.S.

 

My ears become painful to loud unpredictable noises and this makes me jump out my skin makes me panic feel anxious.

 

i had outreach support workers to go out in community due to social anxiety , low self esteem ( gym etc) now do this on my own without support.

 

Gym like work gives me daily routine structure and helps my emotional /mental well being and state also helped improve and balance my self esteem and confidence.

 

I often think to myself would I be bored without A.S being there as have to step up push challenge myself everyday but battle fight everyday to do this stay on same level as everyone else and because we look physically normal not autistic on outside can seem we have to prove ourselves even more which puts more strain pressure on whole situation.

 

I sometimes get so overwhelmed I have give in to my suicidal thoughts let them beat me take over. I become suffocated by A.S smothered as can’t have break from it’s hard to accept it’s you and your life and you have to live with it forever knowing no escape no way out but to face head on however hard tough etc.

 

My future goals are to live in my own flat verdict is unsure about kids or marriage as look at others get envious jealous and think is this mountain too high to reach and climb but I carry on proving the doubters non believers in my past wrong and throw all hurtful painful childhood memories back in their faces i won't let them succeed beat me been through too much for that to happen end of!.

 

XKX

[Tally]

It's good, but have you read it out loud and timed yourself? It's not going to fill 20-30 minutes.