Pilot Interview

[darkshine]

Study update

 

I did my pilot interview of 15 minutes last night. (Sunday)

 

I roped in someone to do this pilot interview with me. So I could practice the whole scenario and see what it is I have to do.

 

I live with this person and the eye contact is really really problematic, as soon as I set up the interview situation with the chairs facing each other, well, it felt weird before we even sat down!!!!

 

He was very helpful and he used to do interviews so we had a rare good conversation about it and the whole process afterwards and this has helped me to think about it more, but he knows about this stuff, about me, and about what I’m doing with the OU, and he knows what this requires, the real ones won’t be so lenient…

 

If anyone’s thinking that a problem is going to crop up next in the next bit – you are right!

 

Eye contact - I can’t do it for more than 5 seconds. Thankfully I can hold a notepad with the questions on it and to make notes, but there is no avoiding that this is going to impact the data (the eye contact not the notebook)… I have now accepted this and will try to minimize it but I don’t think I’m going to suddenly learn how to make it all feel fine in the next week to ten days, so I will have to get round it as best I can.

 

Here’s the biggie:

 

Because of an incident at school when I was 8, I have vigorously avoided EVER speaking on tape until this month and tonight’s the first time I have listened to myself talk on tape to another person EVER.

 

(I did secretly listen to myself once about 5 years ago when the OU supplied me with the tape thingy but I only listened for 3 seconds and then deleted while vowing to never do it again, and I was whispering so it wasn’t the same)

 

I sound like an idiot.

 

This is a very very uncomfortable part of this project.

 

I sound so much worse than stupid – not just in the sense that everyone says they sound stupid cuz their voice sounds odd because it’s on the tape and not right next to their ears – but for the reason that made me avoid being recorded when I was 8 (I just forgot the reason over the years… now I remember WHY I don’t want to ever hear myself in conversation ever again on tape)

 

This is why I hate it. I sound stupid because I can’t even understand myself half the time. Which is really bad, when you don’t even know what you are saying and its you!!! Where I believe my voice does what everyone else’s does in conversation – when I actually hear myself it doesn’t!!! My voice is flat, dull and monotonous half the time, and then when I try to add (inflection? Is that the word?) well, it’s in all the wrong places, its slightly off all the time!!! I’m high when I should be low, I’m excited sounding when I’m intending to be serious! It’s all over the place!!!

 

I might as well hang my tongue out and just say nyah cuz it would probably sound better. I know this is childish but I don’t know how else to get across the torture this is, and I’ve only listened to 5 minutes out of 15!!!!!!!

 

And not only have I got to transcribe this pilot – which means I’ll have to listen to it about 50 times BUT I also have to do it twice more for the real interviews and these will be twice as long!!!!!!!

 

I really need to forget this as soon as possible but it’s taken me over 5 minutes to write up 56 seconds of interview and the first 16 seconds of that are me checking to see if the tape-thingy was recording. So IT IS GOING TO TAKE FOREVER!!!!!

 

Yeah I have to rewind it cuz he talks fast, and I can’t type as fast as he talks, but I can understand him!!! How weird is it to not understand yourself?!?!?

 

And now I have this mocking voice in my head repeating the bits where I sound like I’ve had half of my brain removed.

 

This is a total nightmare… I am really wishing I had not listened to this last night or ever!

[darkshine]

I've been let off but only for the pilot... Still - I see a chance to try and get a grip (and more importantly stop being childish) - I have listened to it a few more times and it still annoys the life out of me so I am going to try and ignore myself as much as possible. Maybe I should speed the tape up so we all sound like chipmunks, or I could slow it down so we are in slow-mo instead (possibly easier to type when slow)

 

Anyone else had this problem and how did you deal with it?