How to stay positive?

[matzoball]

I have been spiralling down these past couple of months, and am trying to keep myself in a positive frame of mind. Changes at work have jump-started some fairly negative feelings, which I think(but can't be sure) others are picking up on, because they seem less tolerant of me. I am quick to anger or stress out about changes or people not acting within the templates I have in my head for them(if that makes sense), I am constantly over analysing absolutely everything I encounter on a day to day basis and am convinced that everyone thinks i am an a-hole because I talk utter ######.

 

What is scaring me the most is for the first time in a long I am considering more extreme methods of dealing with things which I don't want to go into.

 

It's compounded by my routine being constantly disrupted to a point where I feel I no longer have any control - usually once I have an established routine for something, I try and have several backup plans so I don't crumble when my main one is knocked out of place. I don't know why this is happening, and I seem to be losing my coping mechanisms which is affecting every other aspect of my life.

 

More and more I am taking asd days off of work because I am starting not to handle being able to go outside again - I am so frightened to tell management at work as I have been working hard towards becoming part of the management staff and I think if I do this will underline how unsuitable I am and may also be seen as a liability because I am becoming unstable again.

 

I know there isn't a cut and dried solution to this, but I would appreciate any sort of advice you can give me to stay positive and try and kick this low swing out.

[darkshine]

Hi Matzoball - I am sorry you are feeling like this - I know to a degree how this is because I am going through a very similar thing and have also been considering "more extreme ways of dealing with things".

 

The worst thing is watching it happen and not being able to stop it.

 

I do not have an answer for you because I don't have one for myself - but I do offer my sympathy for all that may be worth and I do hope that this is only a short patch for you, I also hope that you can find your way out of it as so much of what you have said is kinda relevant to my own position and I know how shitty that feels.

 

Somewhere inside you have the strength - if you can find your direction I am sure you can get out of this.

 

All the best

 

Darkshine

[matzoball]

Thanks Darkshine - at least it's a good thing to know we aren't alone!

[darkshine]

[AspieMe]

I think we all go through these patches in life to one degree or another, I feel that currently my own work life is like watching a train wreck in slow motion. I just have to keep telling myself that my problems will get resolved one way or another and I will come out the other side of it stronger and wiser.

 

Personally, I try to focus on the good things that I have in all aspects of my life (family, friends, health, etc.) and I'm looking to build on what strengths I do have at work as these are the things that count to me, not the small petty day to day issues that seem to constantly dog my life at the moment.

 

I hope you resolve whatever is troubling you and wish you well.

[Sidewinder040]

I won't go into too much detail - i worked in a factory for many years, then i was transferred to another department. It has taken me a long time to adjust, to find a balance where i am productive, but still have some 'me' time where i can recover. You just have to be stubborn and know that things will get better, if you keep experimenting to find new ways of coping with your current situation. Chances are you will find equilibrium again.

 

Some books that have helped me...

 

Mood Mapping by Dr. Liz Miller - brilliant common-sense advice to help you become more aware of the effects of different moods on your well-being. This has helped me a lot to become more productive and have less 'overload'.

 

NLP - Look it up on Amazon - is also useful. Very empowering, teaching more positive and constructive ways of perceiving everyday situations.

 

Good Luck - you will get past this. Think of all the success you have had and all the other times you have overcome difficulty.

Edited October 22, 2011 by Sidewinder040

[Janice F-J]

Another book is "Mindfulness a practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world" by Mark Williams and Danny Penman . It comes with a CD of meditations and follows a format recommended by NICE for treating depression. It is also recommended for people who are not depressed, but want to learn how to better control their moods and their mind in life in general and in stressful situations. xx

[Sally44]

I know that everyone does have times they feel like this. BUT if it is becoming a daily event, for quite a long time, then you may need to try to seek a more permanent change.

 

I know you don't necessarily want to talk to your manager about it. But has your manager been supportive of you in the past? I presume they know you are on the spectrum? Do they have any understanding of what that means for you?

 

If you were to speak to them [or even analyse the situation yourself, or with another friend], can you identify WHY routines and procedures keep changing or failing? That must be very unnerving for anyone, nevermind someone who may rely heavily on routine and procedures to make sense of things. The more predictable your day is, the more productive you will probably be, rather than trying to cope with these changes etc.

 

And it maybe that you approached your manager from that point of view ie. this is the current situation, this constant change is making me feel less productive than I could be, how can we get back some kind of predictability and stability into your daily working pattern. IF that is just how the job IS or has EVOLVED, then you may need to try to ride it out and see if you can tolerate that level of unpredictability. Or you may need to consider a move.

 

If there is something that could be done to make it all more predictable, then that would be better for you and surely for everyone??

 

Can you see the difference between disorganisation and/or system failure, rather than just how the job is? And I presume that the disorganisation maybe totally unrelated to you and could come from someone/department which may affect your job role.

 

Hope you are feeling a bit better, because you sounded quite down and desperate to me.

[matzoball]

i've been off work for a week(annual leave) - up until saturday night i hadn't slept in two days - then last night I didn't sleep again. There are more changes happening at work and because of how unpredictable everything has become I am dreading going back.

 

I am forcing myself to go in tomorrow and just try and push through it. My manager has given me a bit of literature and an mp3 about mindfulness - it's nice of her to do that however the mood I am in it's all a bit too touchy feely for me.

 

The most ironic thing is that my workplace is supposed to be completely supportive of people with asd - but more and more it's more about the business. We have a new general manager and a new focus for the type of business we do - and were given a few days notice for that, there has been an upper management reshuffle. The last thing I heard was that he wanted to move everyone about again - I have moved in that office 4 times (as has everyone else) and was finally where I felt comfortable and able to do my job well(as was everyone else) - i can't handle any more disruption. My role is that of being a team leader and I am ruddy good at it - but now they are saying they highly doubt i will keep that role for much longer. It makes the hard work I have put in to developing skills in that area completely worthless. It's been something I have been working towards in my CPD(Continuous Professional Development)for a year with them - and it's been for nothing.

 

I have done a lot of publicity for the company, and I have put myself out there a lot for them - but it just all seems to be falling down by the wayside.

 

I will probably go in tomorrow and it won't be as bad as I think it is - I just feel like my confidence is wavering in myself and at work.

[matzoball]

On the upside I am no longer thinking the extreme thoughts - although I am now baking a lot more...

[Mandapanda]

Hi matzoball

 

I think many people at the moment are having to face many changes in their work. The NHS Trust I work for is being completely reorganised. We don't know what is happening from one week to the next. It is very unsettling for most of us. Some people are saying "don't worry about it till it happens", but MOST people aren't able to think like that.

 

I should have a job at the end of it, but it may be 10 miles away from home and where I work now, which will have an impact on my son who is at home all the time due to his asd, which will cause me stress too.

 

I don't know if I am right, but it sounds like you are adding more stress to what there is anyway, by worrying about worrying. Sally has given some clear and sensible advice, if you can present your concerns as concerns for the business they may be received and answered better.

 

It is sadly ironic that you are not feeling supported in that sort of a company

[matzoball]

I have worked all my adult life, so am actually used to changing environments at work - however having been in a workplace for a year which has taken every care to make sure that my physical needs as far as my asd is concerned are met - i have gotten used to having solid fixed routine and work area. It has boosted my confidence and productivity to a point I can actually measure it against how I was when I started - a complete wreck.

 

I came in this morning with a determined attitude, as I have worked so hard and I don't want to potentially waste the opportunities this place has and hopefully will present. However it was actually confirmed this morning that upper management want to move everyone into an open plan office format - which is going to cause no end of disruption and distress(not just for me).

 

We are all on the spectrum - and it's quite worrying that upper management are putting what they class as business needs above the needs of the very people they are supposed to be supporting. It took us months to have everyone happy and productive and settled, and they are going to disrupt it all again.

 

We are all sending an email individually to express our individual concerns about these changes - so I guess we will all have to wait and see.

 

Which is ruddy infuriating!

[darkshine]

NLP - Look it up on Amazon - is also useful. Very empowering, teaching more positive and constructive ways of perceiving everyday situations.

 

Good Luck - you will get past this. Think of all the success you have had and all the other times you have overcome difficulty.

Completely irrelevant maybe - but I was assessed for NLP and told that I was unsuitable because I have AS - does anyone think this is true?

[Sidewinder040]

Completely irrelevant maybe - but I was assessed for NLP and told that I was unsuitable because I have AS - does anyone think this is true?

I haven't been on a NLP course, i have read a few books on it and listened to a few seminars. I have found that with these types of 'self help' things, you have to pick out the strategies which are helpful to you. With me it has taught me to question my initial responses to situations ie other reasons for a persons reaction/action. The act of thinking things through stops me from acting in an appropriate way and stops me from over-reacting. It can teach more helpful ways of perceiving situations and give strategies for lessening the impact of painful or upsetting memories.

If you know what your problems or short-comings are, if you can't break through them, sometimes it is useful to have the tools or strategies for finding ways around them (coping mechanisms). Any new ideas are useful to me at the moment, even if they help for a little while, but i think half of the problem {for me atleast) is all of the thinking it takes to cope with life for me, it doesn't leave much energy to actually live me life as much as i want to. I spend too much time locked in my head with my over-active 'inner-life'.

 

Sidewinder

[Sidewinder040]

Matzoball,

 

Glad you are feeling a little better than you were.

 

Try a NLP technique if you feel frustrated with the upper management ( ), picture them in your mind in a humorous way, maybe...

 

Pink curly hair, big red bulbous noses, face paint, spinning bow-ties and long floppy oversized shoes?

 

Picturing them as a bunch of clowns might not help matters, but it can help cheer you up and make you feel calmer and put you in a better frame of mind?

 

There's a man at work who sometimes annoys me - I imagine him as being the colour green and it makes him look like Shrek and funnily enough this man has a sidekick with a long face... I imagine him as being 'Donkey'... Somehow i don't feel so bothered with them after that.

 

I am not trivialising your situation, i am just trying to help you look at it in a different way. Worrying will just make things twice as harder to face.

 

With reference to the title you gave your post, you already know the key to this is 'to stay positive'.

 

Hopefully for you, your management will soon make their minds up on finding the best all round strategy for your company and then everyone can settle down and just get on with their jobs.

 

Sidewinder

[darkshine]

I haven't been on a NLP course, i have read a few books on it and listened to a few seminars. I have found that with these types of 'self help' things, you have to pick out the strategies which are helpful to you. With me it has taught me to question my initial responses to situations ie other reasons for a persons reaction/action. The act of thinking things through stops me from acting in an appropriate way and stops me from over-reacting. It can teach more helpful ways of perceiving situations and give strategies for lessening the impact of painful or upsetting memories.

If you know what your problems or short-comings are, if you can't break through them, sometimes it is useful to have the tools or strategies for finding ways around them (coping mechanisms). Any new ideas are useful to me at the moment, even if they help for a little while, but i think half of the problem {for me atleast) is all of the thinking it takes to cope with life for me, it doesn't leave much energy to actually live me life as much as i want to. I spend too much time locked in my head with my over-active 'inner-life'.

 

Sidewinder

Thank you for your thoughts I agree with your comments about "self help" things - selecting useful ideas or techniques is far more useful I think, than blindly following every little word.

 

I have the same problem as your last 2 sentences - I use all my energy thinking how I have to be rather than being able to just be me. although the more I learn about things, the more it seems that I can barely ever be me so not very positive just now.

 

When I was told that NLP would not work for me because of AS my first reaction was "why? why why why?!?!" I don't see it as fair or accurate for people to write me off because of a diagnosis of AS... I guess that's why I asked if anyone else had heard this to be true - or at least heard that NLP was harder for people with AS rather than a blanket "you cannot do this" statement.

 

Regards

 

Darkshine

[Sidewinder040]

In these days of 'where there is blame, there's a claim' perhaps they are playing safe. They don't completely understand what AS is and/or that a differently neurologically wired person might have a unpredictable reaction to the techniques used. It might be policy that they don't admit people with mental 'disturbances', even though NLP respects a persons core belief system. It is good knowledge to know how to handle repetitive or negative thoughts, especially having AS, you can't think your way around every social eventuality without 'burning out'. Although this was my primary method of 'acting normal' and not drawing unwanted negative attention to myself.

 

This is spot on for me also - "I have to be rather than being able to just be me. although the more I learn about things, the more it seems that I can barely ever be me so not very positive just now."

 

God it's a paradox isn't it - if i stay calm and relaxed around others, i feel like this is more like the 'real me' and i manage alright, I am then happier. If i am happier, people like me more and want to engage me in conversation, which I like (when it's pleasant and relaxed), then the more people i talk to in a day the harder it gets, I start to get worn down and then this is the time when i start acting a bit strange, becausse I am mentally overloaded. The eye contact think when you feel like a deer caught in the headlights of a car and you don't want to stare at a person and make them uncomfortable but, then you don't want to look shifty or disinterested in the conversation, but I just feel like i am embarrassed and awkward, i just want to be left alone at these times to recover. Then of course I withdraw and probably look like i am in a sulk and other people are offended with my apparent 'standoffishness'. I feel guilty when i think i am acting and guilty when i am withdraw and just trying to get on with what i have to do. If not positivity, then the avoidance of negative though helps. Beating myself up with guilt and frustration just makes thing worse.

 

The few people who aren't judgemental and will talk to me calmly and with respect, no matter how i am, those people are worth their weight in gold to me and

 

Last week i told my wife who said she always knew i was a bit 'strange' or 'different', she's being more understanding now. I also told my boss, he also agreed that i was a bit quirky. He said he would judge me on past professional performance and not judge my occasional social failings.

I took a personality profile (and they found i didn't have one... Joking) they said that according to the profile i'm suited to the job i'm in. phew! Telling people is a bit like 'coming out' isn't it?

 

Thanks a lot for your post especially the bit i quoted - a big help - It makes it easier knowing that there are others who face similar difficulties each day.

 

Sidewinder

[Sally44]

I was wondering about this 'open plan office' idea that the management has come up with. Do any of the management have an ASD? I would have thought that all that conflicting noise and visual stuff is going to cause many of the staff problems. It seems crazy that management have decided on this.

 

I don't know about your employer, but as it is an ASD employer?? Is there anyone you can talk to about these changes?

 

Under Disability Discrimination Law you can ask for "reasonable adjustments" to enable you to access work, and that would include the working environment. However you probably don't want to go in with guns blazing, if there is another way of broaching this subject.

 

I don't know if anyone else has any advice or experience of something similar, where they or a group of employees talked to management about the working environment and how it affected them.

 

If you are struggling, I think it is fairly likely that others are too. And if the management really did have an understanding of ASDs they would surely know that change and unpredictability and the working environment are major issues.

 

Have you talked with any of the other employees to see how they feel about these changes and how they are coping? Most employers are interested in employee performance, and I would have thought these changes are going to effect production - whatever it is that the company does.

[matzoball]

I was wondering about this 'open plan office' idea that the management has come up with. Do any of the management have an ASD? I would have thought that all that conflicting noise and visual stuff is going to cause many of the staff problems. It seems crazy that management have decided on this.

 

I don't know about your employer, but as it is an ASD employer?? Is there anyone you can talk to about these changes?

 

Under Disability Discrimination Law you can ask for "reasonable adjustments" to enable you to access work, and that would include the working environment. However you probably don't want to go in with guns blazing, if there is another way of broaching this subject.

 

I don't know if anyone else has any advice or experience of something similar, where they or a group of employees talked to management about the working environment and how it affected them.

 

If you are struggling, I think it is fairly likely that others are too. And if the management really did have an understanding of ASDs they would surely know that change and unpredictability and the working environment are major issues.

 

Have you talked with any of the other employees to see how they feel about these changes and how they are coping? Most employers are interested in employee performance, and I would have thought these changes are going to effect production - whatever it is that the company does.

 

We keep being told it is very much in the discussion phase, and that there are other options being considered - the company that owns our company don't know much about asd but our actual company specifically employs people on the spectrum. To be honest I think our managers have been blindsided by this as much as we have and they are trying to figure it out without disrupting stuff too much. I suggested that when our new boss gets back from his business trip we have a round table discussion to put our side across as to why open plan is just not going to work. I have been putting together a report in regards to productivity and our working environment, together with personal opinions of the other guys to show how serious we are about it - so right now it is a case of nothing is changing at this very minute, but it will do soon. So we have to wait until we get the chance to sit down with the new boss. He knows nothing about autism - so we are basically educating him. I just think he should have consulted us before all this wading in and making big changes.

 

I've been trying this mindfulness stuff which seems to be working in regards to managing my mood and the like, so slowly but sure I'm getting better. In a wierd way I think trying to be pro-active about what's going on has given me that little kick up the butt!

[Sally44]

I think it would be much better to explain to your boss how all of you will, and are, being affected by these changes. Otherwise a drop in productivity, people going off sick, people being short tempered and irritable are what he is going to see, and he won't know the reason behind it.

 

Is there anything on the NAS website that you could download, so that any background information you give is from a reputable source?

 

A lack of central coherance is a main part of the explanation of those with an ASD needing the familiar, routine etc. I know that many are capable of change, and adapting to it, but sometimes, especially in the workplace, things can change so quickly and fundamentally that it would be a struggle to cope.

 

Anxiety is also part of an ASD. And the fact that these things came out of the blue, will be making everyone anxious. So some information from the management before any changes should be provided.

 

And sensory issues are going to make an open plan office very hard to work in. Everyone involved in education [mainstream or special school] know the importance of a low arousal environment and the fact that many ASD children cannot screen out sensory information and get overwhelmed because they are bombarded with all this sensory stuff that they then have to try to process. That is why there are often work stations, and those with greater difficulties usually have a classroom size of 6-8 peers.

 

All of those difficulties are going to carry over into adult life and need to be considered by the employer. When that is done, those on the spectrum can spent their energy and focus on the work in hand.

 

Glad to see you are feeling a bit better. Taking some kind of control of the situation usually makes people feel better. There is nothing worse than feeling powerless. You all have a voice. Hope everyone is behind you as it appears that you are going to be the voice of the workplace??

 

Again, use your arguments to explain how these changes could affect the performance of the employees and how simple adaptions or changes could improve things for everyone.

[matzoball]

Well, yesterday I got on the bus to work. It was overcrowded and noisy and I was more or less shoved up against a window with someones elbow in my hip. I started freaking out so got off 4 miles out of my town in the country. Took me about 20 minutes to scrape myself off the floor and I couldn't handle getting on another bus so walked the 4 miles home. I switched my phone off, my laptop didn't get switched on til about 10 at night.

 

I think if they want proof of how this is affecting me - this is pretty much it. I don't like crowded buses at the best of times, but I know that I would have been able to handle it a lot better than I did.

 

I got the train in this morning which I think I will do from now on, but I am dreading the inevitable conversation which is going to happen today.

[darkshine]

In these days of 'where there is blame, there's a claim' perhaps they are playing safe. They don't completely understand what AS is and/or that a differently neurologically wired person might have a unpredictable reaction to the techniques used. It might be policy that they don't admit people with mental 'disturbances', even though NLP respects a persons core belief system. It is good knowledge to know how to handle repetitive or negative thoughts, especially having AS, you can't think your way around every social eventuality without 'burning out'. Although this was my primary method of 'acting normal' and not drawing unwanted negative attention to myself.

Seems there's a lot of "watching ar5es" going on with MH services - the thing that really bugs me is that their passive no action approach is hardly conducive in improving lives and all that. I know it is vital to look before you leap, but there are occasions when a leap is required to get somewhere new - I just wish that the people I see about MH etc would be a bit more proactive - instead of forcing me to try to work out everything by myself (which is taking a bloooming age especially as information is not always so easy to come by

 

 

This is spot on for me also - "I have to be rather than being able to just be me. although the more I learn about things, the more it seems that I can barely ever be me so not very positive just now."

 

God it's a paradox isn't it - if i stay calm and relaxed around others, i feel like this is more like the 'real me' and i manage alright, I am then happier. If i am happier, people like me more and want to engage me in conversation, which I like (when it's pleasant and relaxed), then the more people i talk to in a day the harder it gets, I start to get worn down and then this is the time when i start acting a bit strange, becausse I am mentally overloaded. The eye contact think when you feel like a deer caught in the headlights of a car and you don't want to stare at a person and make them uncomfortable but, then you don't want to look shifty or disinterested in the conversation, but I just feel like i am embarrassed and awkward, i just want to be left alone at these times to recover. Then of course I withdraw and probably look like i am in a sulk and other people are offended with my apparent 'standoffishness'. I feel guilty when i think i am acting and guilty when i am withdraw and just trying to get on with what i have to do. If not positivity, then the avoidance of negative though helps. Beating myself up with guilt and frustration just makes thing worse.

I couldn't have said that better and its a living nightmare sometimes trying to find that balance (I still haven't)

 

Telling people is a bit like 'coming out' isn't it?

I haven't come out so I wouldn't know but yeah, I suppose it is in a way

 

Thanks a lot for your post especially the bit i quoted - a big help - It makes it easier knowing that there are others who face similar difficulties each day.

 

Sidewinder

You are totally welcome