Mumble Report post Posted February 8, 2012 I'd be interested in opinions as well as diplomatic approaches to this. I've recently moved back to my Mum's house as I couldn't get the supported housing/care I need. I'm paying lodger fees, contributing to the house as a lodger, paying half bills, etc. My Mum's decided she's going to claim carer's allowance for 'looking after' me. I'm really struggling with this because she doesn't look after me. She doesn't help me with anything and I'm actually really struggling with some things such as cooking and have already chopped two of my fingers needing medical attention (I have a nerve problem so can't feel them, I'm not really that clumsy!). Her only concern is how much money she can get and nothing to do with caring; she is completely obsessed with money. She has forms to complete and is demanding I complete them but so far I've stalled but I'm running out of excuses. I've been awarded indefinite DLA at HRC and know I need support which I'm working on getting with various medical people, but I don't think it's fair she gets it if she doesn't provide that care, but she insists she's 'entitled'. If she was providing care I'd be quite happy for her to claim but she isn't so I don't think it's fair (to me or wider society/tax-payers). Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RainbowsButterflies Report post Posted February 8, 2012 If you're contributing financially, sharing the cooking and getting medical care elsewhere (it sounds like she's not doing that in the meantime), then in what way is she entitled to carer's allowance? I know in theory you could sign the piece of paper, but how is she justifying it? Honestly, it makes my blood boil how difficult it is to successfully claim DLA, whilst people who have no real justification have this whole 'entitlement' mentality - and seem to be getting away with it! (That's not directed at you by the way Mumble - having a bad time with SS at the moment, plus resubmitting my DLA claim which was knocked back flat 6 months ago. In theory I've been told I should be eligible for HRC and HRM now, but I'm not holding my breath. The local council have just approved a Blue Badge though.) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kirky Report post Posted February 9, 2012 Wow, tough one mumble. I'm assuming your mum meets all the legal requirements for carers allowance, ie amount of work hours etc. I'm guessing it's not a great relationship you have with your mum or she wouldn't be doing something which obviously makes you feel so uncomfortable. Have/can you discuss it with her, does she know how upset you are about it. Perhaps she might agree to a deal? You fill the forms in IF she will actually help you with the daily stuff you find difficult, like cooking. Disputes with parents are always the hardest, good luck mumble. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tally Report post Posted February 9, 2012 Wow, tough one mumble. I'm assuming your mum meets all the legal requirements for carers allowance, ie amount of work hours etc. One of the requirements is that you are providing 35 hours per week of care. If Mumble signs the forms, she will be confirming that her mum is providing this amount of care. Could it affect your entitlement to outside support if they think your mother is providing this level of care? It's a difficult one. Maybe you could insist that your rent is reduced by the amount of carer's allowance she receives. It might put her off if she's not going to benefit financially from it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
justine1 Report post Posted February 9, 2012 Hi I think you will have to be honest with your mum,as mentioned above,you could say that she needs to be providing support/care to you which will include helping with meals and other things. Based on that then you will apply for carers. Explain that you are already paying your way and that is enough if she is not going to help because you are living as a lodger. It is a difficult situation to be in but I do think it would not be fair for you to apply for something that would not benefit you and that morally you would not feel comfortable doing. She needs to understand that. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
caci Report post Posted February 10, 2012 Maybe if you ask you mum to write down in detail the help she thinks she is giving you each week, she may realise she is not providing 35 hours in support. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kathryn Report post Posted February 10, 2012 I agree with all the comments made. If she's not caring for you (and that could include emotional as well as physical support) she's not entitled to carer's allowance. As a taxpayer I'm happy to contribute part of my hard earned salary for the wider benefit of society - as long as those benefiting are genuinely entitled to it. It does not sound, from what you say, as though your mum is any worse off financially just because you have come to live with her. If she is in genuine need you could offer to help find out if there are any other benefits she could legitimately claim? As Tally said, you are signing to confirm that she is providing the care. If you make a false statement, you could be in trouble yourself. Tricky diplomatic situation. K x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mumble Report post Posted February 10, 2012 Thanks for your opinions and no offence taken - I totally agree that it's wrong for her to claim as she doesn't provide any care. She even stood and watched me fail to chop my veg yesterday. I'm finding it really really difficult because her actions (or lack of actions/support is probably more accurate) are not malicious, she just doesn't think at all about anyone other than herself and her needs - I'd moved the kettle a whole 30cm or so down the work-surface so I could use a rocker to use it safely but it's been moved back because "that's not where she has the kettle". My big concern is that the medical people etc might think she is providing care and so do less to help me - the number of times they say "oh I'm sure she'll help/want to help" it's really infuriating, because they just don't get that my mother isn't and never has been 'motherish'. My mother would be a great example to take if someone wanted evidence for the (totally wrong) refrigerator mother hypothesis on autism. I'm also worried about signing any form that's untrue, and actually I won't do that. Maybe you could insist that your rent is reduced by the amount of carer's allowance she receives. It might put her off if she's not going to benefit financially from it. That's an interesting idea! Financially she's actually better off with me here already because I pay half the bills but it doesn't cost 50% more for a second person as the standing charges etc. are the same, but she doesn't see that. that could include emotional as well as physical support :lol: :lol: best laugh I've had in years. Thanks. Another question - with this form and some council tax benefit form she has, she says she needs full details of all my bank accounts/savings/benefits etc. Surely as an adult I'm entitled to privacy in terms of my financial affairs? It's not that I've got anything to hide (well other than all my purchases at the local adult store of course... ) but more the principle of it. She has an appointment for both of us with some council/benefit person on Monday when the forms are supposed to be done and signed. I'm half tempted to go along and say I'd like to see them alone as I'm an adult and explain that I won't be signing the form, but it's going to make things even more difficult at home. Oh well, at least I won't get 'settled' here and it'll give me the impetus to find a job and housing! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dekra Report post Posted February 12, 2012 Hi Mumble, You seem to be in a pretty tricky situation. I agree that you should not sign the CA allowance forms as I think it would put you at a disadvantage. You say you had issues getting supported housing but is there anyway you can find a different solution? I think the position you are in with your mother is situation you will not thrive in and the sooner you find an alternative the better. Maybe I am being cynical but I have visions of your mother playing the martyr with her friends and telling everyone just how much she has to do and how inconvenient it is having you with her when in fact as you say she is already saving a huge amount financially. As for the details of benefit for the council then yes they will need that info to process a council tax benefit claim BUT I do not believe you need to provide them to your mother to give to the council, I believe there should be a way you can provide the council with the required info without disclosing your details to your mother. Phone the council tax/benefit dept and ask them directly don't ask your mum to ask and don't just ask any old call centre lacky. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mumble Report post Posted February 13, 2012 Well my mother got a right ticking off at the council office this morning for dragging me down and bringing totally unnecessary information and making everything so much harder than it should be. I did try hard not to smirk. I failed. Didn't sign any forms, just sorted out the council tax (I'm still a student until I submit my corrected thesis so that was easy). My Mum's now sulking (like a proper 3-year old sulker ) so I'm keeping well out of her way. At least I know I'm doing the right thing; she'll just have to accept it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tally Report post Posted February 13, 2012 Well done Mumble I'm sorry your mum has not reacted well. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dekra Report post Posted February 13, 2012 Good old dissertation has bought you a little time I still think you need away from your mum's house. I don't think it's a healthy place for you to be physically or emotionally. You are obviously upset and frustrated at her and this is probably making things like the slips with the knife more likely to happen and hence cause you physical as well as emotional pain. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mumble Report post Posted February 13, 2012 She's really going for the big-time sulk. A tin just fell out the cupboard and hit me on the head. Apparently I deserved it for being a 'horrible child'. :'( Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tally Report post Posted February 13, 2012 Have you tried your "teacher face?" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mumble Report post Posted February 14, 2012 Have you tried your "teacher face?" I like that idea. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
