The next step

[SidiousUK]

Hello all,

 

Well after nearly 2 months between my psychiatrist suspecting I have Aspergers and me harrassing people for letters to go to my GP requesting that I be referred for testing, the letter is ready for me to collect.

 

Now the fun begins.

 

NHS will want to send me to London which is a "no way" and private health care will not cover me for some made up reason.

 

Like many typical Aspergers sufferers, I tend to plan for every eventuality, and have found someone 20 mins from my house who will do the test for a fee.

 

As far as I am aware, they qualified to carry out the test as their details were passed to me by the Austistic Society and I don't mind paying the money if it means I don't have to put up with the push and shove of rush hour train commuters.

 

Here's to the next step

 

Sidious

[LancsLad]

Sidious I think the important thing to remember the assesment is for the benifit of one very important person and that is you. At the end of the day you need to be comfortable with the process and be able to respect the outcome and then reflect on it. A large part of this is about having trust in the person and also that you present to them in an honest and truthful way.

 

When I had my assesment a couple of years ago it was in the city where I was at university. Even so I made the journey to the assesment centre from home with my partner as it was a very big thing in my life. Together we had talked through the day and what we would do as I had no idea as to how I would feel coming out of the experience. As it was things were OK and I need not have worried. Looking back I was pretty anxious and took a little while to relax to the point I felt comfortable with the person doing the assesment.

 

The point I am making here is that if I had spent the whole interview highly agitated and anxious I am sure the person in front of me would have drawn the same conclusions, however I think a big part of the process is settling on the outcome and that is about developing even in a short amount on time some rapour with the assesor. I left the interview feeling she was an expert in her area had listend to what I had said and had been through the evidence provided and as a result had come to a balanced decision. It did not feel like someone had slapped a label on me rather they had given me their valued opinion.

 

For this reason I would advise you to go with whatever you feel comfortable with, for some people that might mean finding the very top advisor in the country with the most certificates behind their desk otherwise they reserve the right to challenge the outcome. To be honest Sidious I don't think that's what you are looking for is it? I very much think you are in a similar position to me in that through reflection you have come to the decision to self diagnose, this final piece of the jigsaw is all about supporting that decision. If I were you I would pay for the local service after all what is the price of confirming something you have lived with for a lifetime.

 

Best wishes on this next step of the process, my thoughts are with you, lets us all know how it goes.

[SidiousUK]

I am looking for the final piece of the equation which will solve the puzzle of why I am like I am.

As I have mentioned before, I solve problems, that's what I love doing and that's what I'm good at.

 

The problem occurs when the carbon based lifeform variable enters my equation.

I cannot possibly take into consideration every eventuality that they may throw into the equation, and due to past experiences I try to eliminate their involvement in my life as much as possible now.

 

So far, my experience with getting a diagnosis of "something" has been terrible.

I have had to do all the running around, make a pest of myself and generally demand things all for a condition that was suspected by a medical professional over two months ago who then decided to just leave me with the question running around my head.

 

if I do have Aspergers, then it will explain why so many so called friendships have just transpired to be a way of people getting from me what they want. I have learned to live without people and the only carbon based lifeform I can rely on has four legs and goes "woof"

 

If I don't have it then I will start looking for another possible solution.

 

I don't trust anyone and never will. People are just a swarm of annoying flys to me; unpredictable and an unwanted annoyance

 

Sorry if that offends,

[LancsLad]

Sidious I get where you are coming from. I very much see my Asperger's as a condition I have which is secondary to my core personality, it has a very big influence on my daily life but it does not define me in either positive or negative ways.

 

It might simply be the case that you have the type of personality profile that could be described as being a 'loner'. There is a very good book by Anneli Rufus called 'Party of One, the loner's manifesto, I don't know if you have come across it. In many ways I am very much a loner I am as Anneli describes self-reliant and have a knack for imagination, concentration, inner discipline and invention and importantly a talent for not being bored. These traits are I believe components of my personality. On a number of occasions I have been psychometrically tested by organisations and I always come out as having a profile which fully supports this position. And have been told that as a subject my scores are as far away from mean values as they come across, there opinion would be that in their organisations terms I would be a highly valuable commodity to be part of their leadership team. I also believe that I would ideally have someone who was a polar opposite to balance my attributes out. Interestingly when my partner of over 25 years has done a few similar tests she comes out as diametrically opposed to me but not as extreme in respect from how far away she is to mean values.

 

My own view is that there are a lot traits that come with AS that can complement being a loner if you make a decision to harness them and together they make a powerful package. I think I am fortunate in this way and if I had a choice whether to keep my AS or not I deffinately would. I have come across individuals with AS, mainly at university, who have the type of personality where they feel compeled to be part of the social mix which is the dominant culture in society. I honestly really feel for them, they are in a scenario which expects them to battle against their condition in living up to social expactations of their peers, even though this might not be the best idea at times deep down I can see that this is what they really want to do. At the end of the day you need to be true to yourself even if such pathways are hard ones to follow.

 

Sidious what you say does not offend me nor should it anyone else. We are all born as individuals and diversity is the lifeblood of the species. I personally believe we are going through a period in society where being different and that includes the sub-culture of loners is being marginalised and their value ignored. As a designer I understand the drivers of consumerism and in a world driven by consumption I know I do not fit the mean profile and as such I have little value, as I said I am self-reliant and can think for myself thank you. This does not mean I am wrong in my views far from it.

 

Personally I have reached a point where I have come to a decision, should I work as a designer in an organisation which supports current notions in society of consumption and make reasonable money, or should I do something which has real value. I have come to the view that I am better being retired at 46 and living off my pension and working on my own projects. My current project is focused on developing concepts for self sufficient communities based on geographical tidal margins. Some would say that I am working on designing the future. To be honest I would not be able to do this if I was not a loner.

 

The final piece of the jigsaw might not be the diagnosis for AS but rather an acceptence that you are the person you are, and that in itself means you have real value. If like me you are a loner at heart then we are faced with a real issue in life and that is what to do with it. We know when we look in the mirror the responsibility lies with us, there is no one else to blame, as we have not subscribed to another masses set of rules and regulations therefore it is up to us. Human development has been built upon loners, the artists, musicians, poets, scientists, designers, engineers etc..... If it wasn't for us the masses would still be in caves arguing over roast or stewed mamouth for tea.

 

Throughout my life I have been a problem solver. I have learn't however there is one reacurring problem that I will not be ever able to solve and that is myself. When I was a child I was a problem for my parents, as a pupil I was a problem for my schools, as a student I was a problem for my universities, as a teacher I was a problem for some pupils and headteachers, I have also been a problem for my GP and other medical professionals. What i always found difficult was that if I am such a problem how come I manage at all stages of my life to achieve so much success? The two never matched up. What I realised was that nearly all this success was down to me and the decisions i made on my own. In fact when i am on my own with me I am never a problem at all yet I am the same person I never put an act on for example. The conclusion therefore is 'I am not the problem' what I am is a loner and the real problem is lots of people have a problem relating to loners, my parents do, my schools did, my universities did even my GP does.

 

My biggest challenge in my life is not dealing with Aspergers it is in finding constructive things to do as a loner. When I am not involved in something constructive I get depressed easily, yet depression can be a fantastic source of emotional creative energy. When I need to interact with individuals to support my projects this can lead to anxiety, yet at times I need to show people what I am capable of to maintain self esteem and drive for excellence. Its a difficult balancing act but thank god I have realised that by not letting anyone else onto the tight rope it gives me the best chance to get across to the other side of whatever challenges I set myself.

 

Life is a process and we learn by moving forwards. I have a few mantras in life the Picasso one to conclude is one of my favorites, when I read your posts it rings true to me in that you are in the right place at present but I feel that after your diagnosis you might find up you are somewhere with a very different view, where AS is not the destination but merly an element in a very interesting landscape, best wishes.

 

"I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it." – Pablo Picasso

[butterfly73]

I understand both your ways of thinking..

Sidious wanting to rely on his own thinking, which for him has proven most valuable so far and LancsLad for he has móre experience ;-)

 

Sidious.. Uhm.. I guess most bad experiences you might have had when not able to rely on others.. well, that is coloring your vision.

It is very useful to use a different paradigm for a change.. difficult for AS fol.. but if you are a puzzler.. you also like a challange ( )... right?!?

So which part of you is gonna win (doesn't have to be now.. maybe in years to come..)

* your love for challenges

* your fear of relying on others and getting disappointed

 

What is... it proves to be an more difficult/very challenging way.. but eventually a quicker or better one.. which opens doors you hadn't even imagined..

 

I know at present all you think of is.. A

A ) I need a diagnose to get ahead..

B ) I need a psychiatrist for that..

C ) around the corner there is ... and the other one is far away.. so!

Being a bit blunt, sorry in advance: Uhm.. what is the puzzle in that?!

 

I'm not saying your choice is wrong.. nor is the other advice wrong either..

Both will give you a diagnosis. But I made sure I choose a renowned psychiatrist.. for it is not easy to spot..especially in women.

So I most definitly would like an experts opinion.. not somebody seeing his wages increased, if you catch my drift..

I want somebody who cares for people! And who see's me for who I am.. with all my benefits and flaws..

And I had to go across the whole of Holland, travelled 3 and 5 hours by train (delay on way back)..

But I spoke a person.. who saw me as a person.. Not a label!!

 

And I can téll you.. looking for folk who appreciate you for you, will insure that you find more likeminded people!!

If you'd prefer to close such doors and go your own way.. that's fine too.. though people would miss out on you and so will you..

 

I wish you all the best in your choices, do what feels right!

 

Love, B'Fly

Edited February 23, 2012 by butterfly73

[LancsLad]

I think in life we are all trying to a place, I believe there is a false perception in contemporary culture that that place is something called happiness. As an atheist, and I respect other people who choose to believe in other things, I believe the concept of sustainable happiness to be a false expectation grounded in religious beliefs a false prommise. At times in my life I am happy, at the birth of my son for example, but have found this to be a short lived experience. As such I think a more realistic expectation and one which as a species we are capable of is one on 'contentment'.

 

If we are ever to be content then we need to have an acceptance of the person we are in whatever form that might take. I think a lot of people in striving for happiness in their lives try to bypass the human state of contentment because it is one which demands a lot of self inspection and a recognition that we come with a lot of flaws in our make up. They try to find happines in short term relationships, drugs in whatever form, aquisition of property, etc.... In short they fail to engage with themselves in trying to find meaningful answers.

 

I have massive respect for Sidious and others who come on the forum and share with us their experiences as they go through this process of finding meaninful answers in their own lives, I would not have had the strength and confidence to do so. To be honest i have a lot less time for people who are trying to do this on behalf of others such as their children, why because eventually they will have to find their own answers and inheriting them off someone else somehow doesn't seem right in my book, personal opinion.

 

B'Fly you offer an amazing bit of advice at the end of your post and that is 'do what feels right'. We all have to develop our own instincts as to what is the right thing for us to in any situation and that means taking responsibility and at times taking risks. As we get older and more mature and i am no where near being that yet I only have to look at and speak with my 97 year old grandmother to know I am but a child still in this journey we call life, our instincts get stronger and our self belief in ourselves as an individual grows. I know that the way you and Sidious write that you are both very strong individuals in this respect.

 

Personally I have reached a point where i have great self belief in myself as a person, unfortunatly like Sidious my belief in other people and the roles they play in society is no where near as strong. I can live with that as I do not feel I have anything to prove to anyone other than to myself every day when I look into the mirror.

 

We are all heading to a point where we will sit down an look back on the lanscape that was our lives. My grandmother a special person and the consistent in my life is getting close to that point. For years I have witnessed from a distance her life even though she has to battle through each and every day against a number of medical conditions which would leave the average individual feeling very sorry for themselves. As only the oldest members of our communities can, she holds herslf with great dignity and poise. She does not seek status and is free from ego. She is non judgemental of others but expects high standards from herself, she is through all this content, she can talk of happy times but her mental state is one of contentment, as such the end of her life holds no fears.

 

I sincerely hope that for Sidious and others that the diagnosis process offers a new place which brings with it peace of mind, it did for me, though it was only one piece in the jigsaw. Diagnosis for adults is not the end of the journey rather it is simply a station stop along the line. For some it is a station which offers an alternative branch line in a slightly different direction and as such we have choices to make following our diagnosis. I think for me my positive diagnosis for AS simply opened my eyes up a little more to the extent I was able to take in the view with a bit more clarity and see life and my position within it as the rich landscape that it is.

 

B'Fly you are right when you say we all think in different ways, I believe this is so much more true of the AS population than for the NT equivalent, and that is what makes the condition so interesting and beautiful in my opinion. Because we think differently what feels right for us will result in a different set of choices as we undertake our own life journeys. Which choices we make is not that important, what is important is that we make choices that are positive in respect to our current position and that they have the potential to lead to a place where we are better enlightend in respect to how we relate to ourselves. As you point out B'Fly for yourself and others this will mean seeking out individuals of a certain experience level to ensure you are confident in any outcomes, toatally get the female perspective on this as well.

 

In my short time on the forum I have reflected a lot as to what value I can add to the general discussions, the conclusion I have come to is simply to be me, and to be confident in that position. I sit here at my computer as a pretty contented individual. It has not always been the case in my life much of which has held a lot of frustrations for me. I don't want to be someone who comes across as saying do it my way, if I do then please tell me off in the strictest terms. Rather I would like to be viewed as someone who has been through part of his life including things such getting a diagnosis and has arrived at a point in his life journey where I have found contentment and as such I might be able to offer hope for individuals having to cross their own but possibly similar landscapes.

 

When Sidious comes through this period of his life which I suspect is dominated by his decision to gain a diagnosis he will arrive at a different place than the one I am or you are at, there might be simalarities, but it will be different. What I hope for him is that he feels the same way about that place as I do about mine. My advice would be if you are expecting it to be something called everlasting happiness you might be disapointed, but if you are prepared to settle for a concept of contentment I think he and others have every chance of getting to that place if they are prepared to put in the hard work which is involved in the process of deep self reflection. The assesment result will not be the answer in my opinion but it can act as a catalyst and the energy source for that reflection process to really bear some fruits.

 

Just some thoughts, best wishes as always to you both.

[SidiousUK]

Thank you both.

This is the reason I joined the forum in the first place - To converse with others about their experiences and hopefully understand a little bit more about AS.

 

Everyone so far have given me food for thought and is making it eaiser for me to understand why I see things the way I do and prepare me for what may follow the diagnostic.

 

You are right - I do need an answer/diagnosis ASAP and I will try to explain why.

 

My employer has been extemly understanding but eventually they will get bored waiting for a diagnosis and will decide that having me working from home is not very cost effective. I have been at home since mid November, not moving forwards and not going backwards.

 

To loose my job would also mean that I would loose a healthy outlet for my complusion which is only one of two (and there are only so many times I can watch Star Wars movies). I live on my own with my dog and he is getting on in years so I don't really have any other distractions or avenues of interest to persue.

 

So to avoid system crash (loss of work, upset of my routine), I need to solve the problem of "do I have AS or not". Then my employer and I can move on with the process of adapting my job to make it more comfortable for me and more cost effective for them.

 

To be formally diagnosed, my GP needs to request funding before I even get an appointment at a place that I cannot travel to without being a wreck (or wrecker) before I even get there.

This part of the problem has been solved thanks to the Austistic Society who kindly sent me the details of someone more local but I have to pay, so pay I shall.

 

I have been asked to fill out a test form and the more truthful I try to be the worse my score actually gets, so I'm getting a little frustrated.

 

Is Honesty always the best policy?

 

You are correct when you say a diagnosis or non diagnosis will put me on a different train. I just need a breather at the station to take stock before the train arrives.

 

I have nothing to prove to anyone but myself and I am trying to find new things to do (espically at weekends) but anything I choose to do will become an obsession until it is complete and it will be completed to the best of my ability.

[LancsLad]

Sidious I can only speak from my personal assesment process but hope it helps, I do however suspect it will be much the same for other adults.

 

I think that the first point is that the assesment is made up of a number of areas and the person will make a balanced judgement at the end of the day as to how they feel about your individual case. I think from my own perspective I relate far easier to ideas such as getting past a score in a numeric scale, howere my experience of things such as incapacity benefit and disability living allowance assesments have been awfull, yet when subjective assesments such as disabled students allowance and importantly that for AS have come around the results have been very different and positive for me. The point I am making is that though I have a preference for black and white systems an autistic trait I am sure, in reality they do not work, what does work makes me feel uneasy because of the grey areas but the results have been favourable. For this reason it does not surprise me if you feel uncomfortable with the overall concept of the assesment, I did, and it means its not easy to predict how someone might look at you but you have to trust them and as such you have to be honest.

 

For me a difficult part of the process was the gathering of information about my childhood and development in my formative years. There was little I could remeber about that time in my life as it was wrapped up in massive emotional knots, many of which have unraveled since. This part was left to my parents to fill in whcih made me very anxious. When it came to my actual assesment the lady doing it was of the opinion my parents had simply sat on the fence and had provided very little detail at all. Since my diagnosis they have been in denial about my condition to be honest which I suspect would have been the case when thye filled in the forms. At the time I felt that their refusal to even recognise blatant things which I was very aware of things such as suspensions from primary school for violent attacks on other pupils left me thinking they had blown the assesment out of the water for me. This simply was not the case the assessor said it was going to be a neutral area and as such would not influence her decision one way or the other, if it potentially was going to be something which tipped the scales one way or the other we would come back to it. I highlight this so that you do not feel you have to provide every bit of evidence otherwise the diagnosis will not happen. I suspect for many adults and the older we get this might be even more so there will be gaps, either because we can't remember or others do not feel as if they want to partake in the proccess.

 

The next area was the self assesment which you are working through, to be honest I can't remeber too much about the forms but here are some general ideas Sidious. I think you need to strike a balance here. What you are being assesed for is a life long condition which if it is there will have been with you throughout your life on a daily basis. A lot of NT's could fill in such a questionaire and come out as AS. For example they could say I am startled by loud noises. What they might mean is that on a couple of occasions they have jumped when something has startled them, this is not part of their lives it is an instance in their life. As an aspie if I take the same approach of trying to find the most extremes in my life to justify my beliefs then my form might simply be the same, knowing this I try to look for even more evidence. This approach does not really work and is of no help to the assessor, I would say your approach should be based around what are the impacts/ your experiences in normalised life, going to work, to the shops etc... Then what gets in the way of normalised life anxieties, behaviours, relationships etc... In your interview you can say what your approch to the assesment was, this is an average day, this is a slightly worse than average day, this is me when things are bad. Whatever benchmark you choose then be consistent in your approach don't jump from one state to the other.

 

You also raise a good point in the process does raise a lot of questions about yourself and this is the same when you research into the condition. I think it is only natural and healthy to question am I looking for things which are not there or am I in denial about this. In my experience having sat down in a group of adults all of us having an AS diagnosis what is very revealing is how different we all where yet it is amazing how many simalarities run through the group as a whole. When we asked questions such as who has large collections of things half of us would half of us wouldn't. Who has issues with insomnia same again half and half. Initially I thought there would be one or two types of Aspie and we would have similar clusters of elements conected to the condition but to be honest it was pretty random.

 

The fact is you do not need to tick every box in trying to get a positive outcome if that is what you are after. In a similar way you might feel you are ticking too many boxes and doing so and this might be through honesty is not easy. Throughout my life I have always felt different but had found it hard to put my finger on why this was after all I have no experience whatsoever as to what it is like to be someone else, therefore I have no concept of normal other than I am normal for me. The more I researched ASD's the more questions were raised. One good personal example being 'prosopagnosia', never heard of it untill a few years ago, it is in fact 'face blindness'. When I read about it a few pennies started to drop in my mind. One of my early recollections was standing at the arrivals hall with my parents waiting for my gran and grandad to fly over from Belfast and being told run up to them and give them a big hug when they come out, knowing I hadn't the faintest clue what they looked like, massive anxiety, when I couldn't I was questioned do you not love your gran and grandad is that the problem? I have also been faced with similar emotions on having to collect my partner even though we have been together for over 25 years, I do know how tall she is, what her body shape is and what clothes she has, so normally I make a very good educated guess, have never kissed a stranger by mistake yet, or don't think I have. Through being more informed I now recognise I have 'prosopagnosia' as part of my condition. At first I did not know if this was a good thing or not as i felt stupid but it made sense. By understanding the fact I have been able to work on this, sitting down with an academic mentor at universtiy using flash cards of faces and facial expressions in making conections and learning to read people a bit better. it was quite funny at the time as the mentor was supporting me on a masters degree programme and here she was telling me that a 7 year old with AS she was also working with was btter at the card games than I was and her money would be on him beating me head to head, this was totally unfair as he had been working on the issue for a couple of months and I was a complete beginer. I hope you can see the humour in the example as I can, but this is the reality of my AS. This was brought home to me two weeks ago when I went across after a parents evening to pick my son up from after school club. I walked into the hall to see two adults and a single boy about the age of my son running around in school uniform, I said hi and then waited with no response other than a bit of small talk from the adults. I was going to say go and get your coat and bag but something was not quite right, I honestly was not sure if this was my own kid or not. The kid carried on running around and so I continued to engage in small talk as a holding position. After what seemed for ever and the anxiety really growing the carer said 'I'll go and get him he must be in the toilet' and at the same moment my son emerged from the toilet door and ran up to me and gave me a hug. I am so grateful for my AS diagnosis as I know this was all down to 'prosopagnosia', without which I would possibly go back to my parents line of thought that 'do I not love my own kid enough to know who he is', of course I do its just that I have an issue I need to work through. I immediatly looked at my son and his friend and looked for differences as I know I am a good visual learner on anything other than faces, could accuratly tell you the makes and models of cars as they come at me from the other direction on a motorway with no problems. I am nowpretty confident in that I could split them looking at their hands even at a big distance as his friends fingers are thinner and he has more pronounced index fingers than my son. Knowing my luck if this happens again they might be outside wearing gloves, but then again I would know they are not his gloves as there are no school uniform pairs designated.

 

I use this example Sidious as I think it shows well what a diagnosis might entail, firstly you come from a position of ignorance, then you come across questions or information. The next stage is you need to relate this back into your own life and answers might be painfull. You then have the reinforcement that I am not normal, is that good or bad? The next stage is acknowledgement and this means I am going to have to live with this. You might then get proactive and work on strategies to better manage the situation. And finally the issue comes back and hits you which means you get more reinforcement often in a negative way. The truth is I am who I am and I need to accept that and be honest with myself.

 

As they say truth hurts and ignorance is bliss and many would think when they are going through your assesment process why am I doing this do I need it even? I think the answer is yes and many elements will be uncomfortable, but not knowing is even worse. You are right when you say you need a breather to take stock there are a lot of things to think through and there will be things around the corner which are not even on your radar. My personal example of prosopagnosia came up after the whole assesment process when I came across the term in a book which started me thinking. It took me time to work that one through but it did help to unravel one of those emotional childhood knots I spoke about earlier, and that is why this process is important though it is painfull.

 

In the time you have you will only partially get to some conclusions regarding your condition whatever it may be and it is different for all of us, it simply falls under a very broad umbrella. So Sidious don't think you have to find all the answers but I understand that like me your mentaility and drive is to solve the problem. Try not to think of it as problem solving rather you are working towards placing more enlightlement into your life. Your self assesment will help in that respect, I would try not to pass judgement on yourself at this stage, aim to be impartial, I know that is almost impossible but it is a good aim to have, and as you say that requires honesty, brutal honesty in some instances.

 

The final part of the assesment for me was sitting down with someone and going through some of the evidence but a lot of that session was very informal and exploring what type of person I might be in various situations and how I felt about this. You have to trust this individual and B'Fly has expanded on this as it related to her. What is totally unfair is to place expectations on this individual for them to come out with the conclusion you want. This would be highly controlling behaviour and absolutly unfair and would sow a seed of distrust which has the potential to tarnish any outcome. As I have said before the worst outcome is not a yes or no in respect to ASD but rather a diagnosis you have no faith in. In that instance you have no option but to become like the kids in the playground who change the rules and go best out of three and if that is not in yout favour best out of five.

 

Thanks for the thank you, as you said this is why you came on the forum. To be perfectly honest thanks for the initial post as it provides me with the opportunity I was looking for when I made the decision to come onto the forum and that is to give a bit of personal insight and to offer support. I was very lucky in that as I went through this process I had my partner, and two very good mentors at university who were there for me and totally understood the situation. When I was in a similar place to where you are at today I was having to draw on an awfull lot of inner strength to get through things, please don't underestimate the significance of what this means. I can remeber trying to explain to my tutor what I was going through looking for a bit of slack in the same way you must have asked your employer and I saw on her face, so it must have been massive for me to get it, that she thought about what I had said and I guess related as to how she would feel if she was to get some answers as to why her life had been like it was, and her face softened and her voice dropped a little and she said something along the lines of "god it must be so hard". The only thing the people who supported me could do was say "It wil be OK", and they were right, the rest I had to deal with myself in my own individual way. In some ways I can't offer you much but give back a little of what I was so very gratefull to recieve a few years back and that is "Sidious It will be OK ", I know this is hard and other things in your life kind of become insignificant, but be minfull of the fact you have to look after yourself throughout this process and take care.

 

Best Wishes.