Which questions should I ask?

[Dijac]

Hi,

 

Will (12) is off to UK in 10 days with his english class. He was really excited that he was chosen to go.

 

Now the trip is almost here, he is gettign very stressed, which I knew would happen. He has talked about withdrawing, but hasn't pressed it. We had a general meeting last night at the school, but I asked his teacher for a private meeting, which is tomorrow.

 

My husband thinks I shouldn't tell her too much, and see what happens. She knows he has Aspergers, but I am not sure how much she understands abotu this.

 

What he is especially worried abotu are the following:

 

The journey - he gets travel sick - (not a problem, I will tell her this)

 

Using public toilets - last time we went to Uk he refused to go even if my husband stodd by the door. He is really scared of locking doors, as he worries about locking himself in somewhere. He mentioned tonight he is worried about bathing etc at the host family house too for the same reason.

 

They will be staying 2 - 4 students per host family - I was thinking to ask her is he could be in a 2 - would be less stressful for him. At least he won't have the problem of language that his french friends will have.

 

I am a bit concerned as to how he will react to really crowded places - and where are they going - Tower of London, Windsor Castle, Buckingham Palace etc - all places which are likely to be busy. He is a bit worried too as they will be going to Madame Tussauds, and the teacher was gettign them all excited yesterday about 'prepare to scream' in chamber of horrors. He will hate that part - my husband thinks it is like making out he is a baby if I tell her that - but I prefer he misses somethings, but enjoys the trip, rather than having panic attacks and gettign over-stressed.

 

They will have really long days, so it will be tiring for all them.

 

He has never been away from us before, except for a handful of nights when my parents visited and babysat, so this is quite a big thing for him, so I was very proud when he asked if he could go.

 

Thanks in advance for any suggestions,

 

Diane

[Dijac]

I forgot to mention, several times a day he likes to 'de-stress' by walking up and down on his own somewhere - should I mention this too?

[chris54]

When my son was 8 he had 2 nights away with the school, the first time he had spent a night away from family. I had all sorts of worries, I told his teacher them all. The school were very keen on him going and were very helpful. As it happened our worries were groundless, and he was fine.

 

I would discus your worries with the school, better they be prepared.

[LancsLad]

Diane I would talk with them and simply be open and answer any questions they may have of you, personally I wouldn't go overboard with detail. It a great opportunity for Will to find out what he can manage by himself, will take a lot of preperation on his part but he has the time.

 

I think a trip like this will be very hard for Will. Your post has brought back recollections of my first visit to London with my school when I was 10, it was really stressfull but a great experience. I tend to view my own AS condition as a bit of a compromise. I can reduce a lot of the everyday stress but if I do I become very isolated in my own world. The alternative is I go out and take on a lot of things and I become exhausted and anxious and as a result need lot of management strategies to cope.

 

There is no wrong and right way to find this balance in our lives and we learn from experience so I would be very supportive of him going to London, sure there will be some issues, but there is no way of forseeing exactly what they are. In that respect as long as the school are aware that this might be a difficult time for Will but that he really wants to go deep down but is very anxious I think they should be able to deal with things as they arrise. After all you are only a telephone call away should they need some specific advice.

 

I think there is a possibility that by being too specific on lots of issues they might treat Will very differently than say the other kids on the trip. A lot about going away from home is about being part of a new group experience and not really about being treated as a side issue.

 

I went to Madame Tussauds a couple of years back and there were a lot of actors around playing the part and my then 5 year old was screaming like a good one along with his mother. There were lots of exit points in the tour and the staff were very good with a few children who it was a bit much for, on the whole I would say the adults were more scared about being picked on than the kids, it was great fun. There is always a risk with stuff like this but there is the potential for great rewards as well, fingers crossed that he goes and has a great time.

 

Best wishes.

[Dijac]

Diane I would talk with them and simply be open and answer any questions they may have of you, personally I wouldn't go overboard with detail. It a great opportunity for Will to find out what he can manage by himself, will take a lot of preperation on his part but he has the time.

 

I think a trip like this will be very hard for Will. Your post has brought back recollections of my first visit to London with my school when I was 10, it was really stressfull but a great experience. I tend to view my own AS condition as a bit of a compromise. I can reduce a lot of the everyday stress but if I do I become very isolated in my own world. The alternative is I go out and take on a lot of things and I become exhausted and anxious and as a result need lot of management strategies to cope.

 

There is no wrong and right way to find this balance in our lives and we learn from experience so I would be very supportive of him going to London, sure there will be some issues, but there is no way of forseeing exactly what they are. In that respect as long as the school are aware that this might be a difficult time for Will but that he really wants to go deep down but is very anxious I think they should be able to deal with things as they arrise. After all you are only a telephone call away should they need some specific advice.

 

I think there is a possibility that by being too specific on lots of issues they might treat Will very differently than say the other kids on the trip. A lot about going away from home is about being part of a new group experience and not really about being treated as a side issue.

 

I went to Madame Tussauds a couple of years back and there were a lot of actors around playing the part and my then 5 year old was screaming like a good one along with his mother. There were lots of exit points in the tour and the staff were very good with a few children who it was a bit much for, on the whole I would say the adults were more scared about being picked on than the kids, it was great fun. There is always a risk with stuff like this but there is the potential for great rewards as well, fingers crossed that he goes and has a great time.

 

Best wishes.

[Dijac]

Hi Lancslad,

 

Well I screwed up trying to quote there - your bit from 'I tend to see my AS as a compromise' is exactly how my son seems to react. And at 12 his management strategies are a bit limited.

 

But I agree it will be an interesting experiment to see how he copes. At worst, my parents live an hour or so from London, so could go and see him if he really hated it. That has always been my back up plan - and one which I have never mentioned to Will - I have tried to be very positive when speaking to him.

 

I read that there is an age limit of 12 for the chamber of horrors - or maybe that was unaccompanied? It is about 30 years since I went.

[LancsLad]

Diane think I might have got confused with The London Dungeon which is part of the Madame Tausauds group. I can remeber the old chamber of Horrors which was downstairs in a basement, not sure if its all been moved and we missed that bit out this time around with my son.

 

I think there is a lot of ways we can respond to AS. The reality for the vast majority of my life and certainly as a child was I was aware of all the traits but didn't have a label and no one around me gave me any slack in life to be honest. This was a bit of a school or hard knocks but you do get experience and as a result you learn and develop strategies. At 12 my strategies were limited as well, but they improve over time. I think there is a developmental point in and post puberty when we desperatly want to fit in and be accepted, and this can be good motivation to work at things.

 

I personally think there is a really difficult balancing act here from a parental perspective. On one hand we do not want to see out children get hurt and stressed about life and so can be overly protective at times. The problem is we do not have many rewards with which to motivate an individual other than unconditional love and support which should be there in any case. Life on the other hand is full of rewards if we take a deep breath are brave and give it a go. Sure we fall over in all sorts of ways and get hurt and cry metophorically speaking, but we are capable of getting up, brushing ourselves down and achieving things in life as is anyone else.

 

A lot of this is about a personal psychology of how we see life as an adult. I think we need to grow into that mental position and can do this from an early age, bit by bit. In this way I think we have to look at the development of a child in much the same way we would view that of an adult. I think childhood can set a massive tone as to what our adult lives will be like, and if we are in risk averse environments as children we will become risk averse adults. In the case of AS I think this can be very dangerous from a mental health point of view in that we can become very insular and isolated so easily because of stimuli pressures.

 

Looking back I am very gratefull of the fact that I had a very hard childhood which was based on expectations that I should be able to constantly cope with the stresses of life. At the time this was tough and in a sink or swim scenario I had to develop coping strategies. The key for me was very much achieving things which were comensurate with a 'normal' life. I might have had to pay a higher price for these experiences but in hindsight it was worth it.

 

Just a few ideas.

[Dijac]

Hi,

 

Well I just got back from the meeting with his english teacher - my husband had printed off something that explains AS, so I gave that to her as she didn't know much about it. She has several students who she may not let in the chamber of horrors, so he won't be the only one - and she will keep a n eye on him, and try to find a quiet corner when timing allows for his de'stress ritual.

 

She also had a very good idea - she will give him a key role - she said she does this in class, which he seems to like - and being the only child of English parents, he can have an important part to play helping the other students. I think he will like this. He says the others often ignore him, but I think if they are asking for his help, he will relish that. As you say Lancslad, he really wants to fit in - and being a bit different, plus being a year younger than the others, doesn't always help him.

 

She will also ask the agency who are arranging the accomodation for the most sympathetic family for him - so that shoudl help too. And I gave her my parents phone number as a last resort - and she knows he doesn't know about this too.

 

We made a shopping list for a few bits he needs at lunchtime, He says he is scared, but does still seem to want to go.

 

So, all in all, I am a bit more re-assured. Now, time will tell.......