Bullying

[Lyndalou]

I'm just wondering about people's views on covert versus overt bullying.

 

I've experienced both throughout my lifetime and I think it would be safe to say that the covert bullying has been the type that has stuck with me and affected me the most. I was beaten up on the way home from school at 5 for weeks but I can't remember this at all. A girl stuck a hockey stick up my nose when I was 14 so hard that I had brain fluid dripping out of my nose but it's the fact that my best friend instigated it so that it would look like an accident that I remember but the incident itself is almost immaterial to me. The fact that a whispering campaign was conducted at work against me for a full year but nothing could be done about it (my boss's words) because no-one 'saw' anything affected me badly. I consider this to be one of the worst forms of 'covert' bullying. The type of bullying people turn a blind eye to and you can be accused of being 'paranoid' about.

 

It has started with my son already. He had his trousers yanked down at a party on Wednesday and his bottom spanked by a little boy who up until now I have thought was a little chum. I had to speak to his mum today and it wasn't easy. She said (although what could she say otherwise?) that he couldn't have meant it - that it was 'fun' as he's seen his big brother doing play WWF wrestling... My neighbours think I'm being weird and the ostracisation has begun (I can feel it) because I've taken a big step back from them as it was starting to really upset me to see their kids ignoring him when he says 'Hello', seeing one of them in particular just sneering at him and another desperately trying to get him into trouble. This was at a street BBQ where I felt he was picking up on all the negative vibes directed at him so he was very anxious and acted accordingly. Then, I felt like I was being judged for poor parenting skills. However, I don't think people even take this covert form of bullying at all seriously and in a sense I feel like I did when I was a lot younger again....gagged it because it looks like you're being melodramatic and overreacting which I probably am to an extent.

[Sally44]

I think you need to pick and choose your friends [and your son's friends] carefully. But always appear friendly to others, otherwise you are right, you will become the 'strange' neighbour.

 

With your son's friends it is always best to have their play dates somewhere they can all be seen and supervised. This child might have been playing, but he may not. I've had lots of similar things with my son. And again one of them was the son of someone I considered a friend. They moved away shortly after that which turned out to be a blessing. What had happened in that incident was that the older of the brothers thought that my son was fighting with his younger brother. they weren't, it was just play fighting. But he intervened and pulled my son's trousers down in the playground. That mortified him. And worst of all it was my daughter that told me. The school had hoped that I would not find out!

 

My brother was also bullied at work, to the extent that he now has mental health problems, including delusions and paranoia. But as we said at the time, where does the reality and the paranoia begin? Because it was 80% based on facts and actual incidents that could not be proven.

[darkshine]

I think covert bullying is probably more harmful than outright obvious acts of bullying. It can make the victim feel just as bad - but what can be worse is that when someone comes and thumps you and you have a bruise - they can see you have been hit - if people are making your life hell in ways that aren't so obvious people don't always listen, they don't see the effects and so they think a person might be overreacting or something - and that's why I think its more harmful - in a psychological and emotional way - and because it can be harder to deal with because the lines aren't so clear.

 

I also think Sally's point is a good one because if you are bullied covertly then does it come to a point where every little thing is misinterpreted - because of watching for smaller signs you could end up seeing it everywhere - or thinking things that were meant as jokes were bullying because of previous experience - so reality and paranoia can become an unwanted side-effect for some people I think (not that I'm saying anyone is being paranoid) just that it could get to that.

[Lyndalou]

Sorry not written anything in response sooner...actually thought I had!

 

I think it's the right time for Stru to go into SEN provision meantime. He simply doesn't have the ability to defend himself or understand even the slightest bit of the concept of being bullied. He had his final day at Sports Day last Friday and he did very well in an enclosed hall, sitting on mats with loads of other kids, the walls lined with parents. He tried very hard to take part in the races and I was especially impressed by his very careful 'Egg and Spoon' abilities but it obviously took it out of him because he had to have a nap when we got home and this virtually never happens now. Before we went in though, the little boy who pulled his pants down at the party said very loudly 'What's HE doing here?' and glowered at him. I think his mum was mortified but she couldn't deny how it sounded... In the hall, at one point he decided to give Stru a good shove... I find it so sad that bullying starts so young!

 

I'm sorry to hear about your brother Sally and hope he is getting the help he needs. What is so difficult about bullying in the workplace from what I can see is that the bullies have been doing it for so long they are very expert at it and extremely good at evading being exposed doing it. If they start at 4, it's little wonder they are so expert!

 

I don't know if there are programmes out there specifically to teach children with ASD's how to spot and cope with bullying behaviours of all kinds. What I worry about is that my son won't learn to recognise when people mean him harmor alternatively want to take him under their wings. It took me a very long time to recognise when or if I was being used or abused and I still question myself every day whether people I view as friends ARE friends and whether or not people are only being nice to me to get something from me. I wonder, WHAT did that comment mean? What DOES that person think about me? I call it the 'big question mark' hanging over my head. I don't know how other people cope with this and I don't have any idea how my son will cope with it.

 

I don't want to be an overprotective mum but I also don't want to be oblivious like my mum was. When I was bullied by the girl at 5, my mum when she found out suggested to me that I confront the bully myself (which I did) because she didn't want to confront her mother. The girl was so shocked she left me alone after that but I think from then on that I knew deep down there was no point in telling mum anything. At 11, when I told the adults that everyone had turned against me they just laughed and said it would blow over. It didn't. I don't want to jump in there every time someone gives my son a funny look but it's hard to know how much weight to give to words, laughs, pushes, ignoring...and my journey with my son has just begun

 

Trying to be positive about it all.

 

Lynda