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[joanna williams]

Hi...my Son is 3 1/2 and is going through the system and has his assessment in September for autism. We r having problems with him just lashing out and hurting people for no reason. We have tried so many way to discipline him but he don't seem to get it. Has Anyone got any ideas that can help.

 

Thanks

Jo

[bed32]

Hi - welcome to the forum.

 

I think it is highly unlikely that he is lashing out at people for no reason - it is just that we can't understand what his reasons are.

 

A challenge with ASD children is first realising that they do think differently and they working out how they think and what causes them to lash out.

 

Lashing out is almost always a reaction to some stress and anxiety, you need to work out what is causing the stress and work on that. Our son at that age was extremely sensitive to certain sounds (fans, toilet flushing, and the quiet click the TV makes when switching into standby). He can also get very anxious when being put into an unfamiliar situation (although that for us was when he was older than 3 1/2).

 

At this age pretty much the only solution would be to identify the causes of stress/anxiety and eliminate them as much as possible.

 

Also at this stage discipline over these issues is probably not the right idea either - it simply doesn't work and only makes the situation worse.

[darkshine]

Hello

[Mannify]

Our son used to hurt his sister relentlessly. For him it was ( and still is, though it's far, far better now) compulsive, and related to cause and effect. There really was no malicious intent, but he just liked the reliable reaction that he got. The turning point came for us when we realised he was much better with his sister when he was around animals and we got a dog. It literally stopped in its intensity that day. I'm not for a moment suggesting that you should get a dog. Each child is so different. But what is significant is that no discipline made any difference, only the dog did. So please don't imagine that you're failing by not correcting him well enough. As bed32 said, there may be sensory issues or something to do with frustration.

[joanna williams]

Thank you all for your help. There was some good advice that my husband and i are going go look in too.

[Sally44]

I can remember my son at that age and how frustrating it was that he would get really upset or really angry and often you had no idea why.

 

But you will learn what it is about over the coming months and years. There is a reason. You just need to be a bit of a detective and think 'what might have caused him to do that'.

 

It could be that you've made him stop doing something, and tried to move him onto doing something else eg. turning off the TV to leave the house. Problems with transitions.

 

It could be that you've taken something from him to put away and he's devastated about that. My son could not bear for me to take part jig saw puzzles, or lego.

 

It could be a sensory thing eg. noise, light, touch, taste, smell, balance and coordination can all be affected and can be over or under sensitive or both, or fluctuate between the two. So turning on the vaccum cleaner may make him cover his ears screaming and running from the room, or he may appear deaf.

 

Is your son talking?

 

As my son got a bit older he was able to explain that when something does upset him it is like getting totally flooded with that emotion and you cannot stop it or get it under control. It is like riding a tidal wave. And because they get so upset they can try to avoid things they think may upset them and so they try to keep to rigid routines and rituals which are predictable to them.

 

Remember that things often don't make sense to them as they do to us. Language, voice tone, body gestures, information in general however it is processed [sight, sound, smell, touch, taste, balance and coordination] - all that information often does not 'inform' them. It is just a mish mash of information that makes little sense or cannot be processed.

 

So don't assume he knows or understands anything.

 

Use things that he loves to connect with him.

 

Play 'alongside him' by commenting on what he is doing and join in with him using his noises and his words. Don't try to get a two way conversation going on because often they cannot multi task. So he may not be able to look and listen or look and talk, or play and listen to what you say. Because your asking him questions butts into and breaks his focus on what he is doing and may cause him to lose his place in what he is doing.

 

I don't know if i'm explaining myself very well. But a two way conversation is like a tennis game with the ball being knocked back and forth. You need to be on the same side of the net as him and both of you need to be focused on what he is doing and saying and not breaking into his focus with your questions.

 

I clearly remember how my son used to disolve into tears if he was doing something and I spoke to him. And he would say "you've ruined it, now I have to start again." And although, at the time, I did not understand how I had done that, I had to take on board that that was what he experienced, and so I had to do it differently.

 

Over the years we have had lots of lots of 'break through' moments, when i've got a really good idea of how he experiences things. And you will get that too.

[JeanneA]

Hi Jo I just wanted to say 'good luck' there's nothing I can really add as Sally has made some excellent points. I have been through what you are going through so I do understand. I just hope you can take on board the suggestions made and hopefully things will get a bit easier. My fingers are crossed for you :-))