Seperating boys has given me a bit of a wake up call

[Dijac]

Hi,

 

My husband had to return to UK for work, and my youngest asked if he could go. Will (13, AS) hates travelling , so it was decided he'd stay here with me. So off went husband and James (10, NT) to sunny Basingstoke.

 

I thought this would be a good time for Will, who is always sayign he hates his Dad and his brother.

 

But in fact, he has still been pretty stressed this week - I 've managed to force him out of the house a bit to walk the dog. And I came up with re-decorating his room - which he seems to have gotten into - albeit in brief spells. One wall per day. Apart from that, he is on computer all day. And I think he is starting to stress for back to school etc, so we have had some bad nights, and he keeps having bad thoughts etc.

 

But I was sort of pleased, as Will doesn't want me to tell his Dad about his room - wants to surprise him - so can't hate him as much as he says!!

 

But what I have discovered is it has really been good for James - he has stayed with my parents, who usually find him a pain - but usually as we are saying "leave yoiur brother alone!!" etc. He's been able to do lots of things we can't usually do - swimming, golf etc. And has had one to one attention from the family.

 

Has made me realise maybe I don't give him enough attention. Will have to see how I can re-assess things when he gets back.

 

Diane

[LancsLad]

Experincing things we are used to in new scenarios is always interesting be it our personal skills or other people. It gives us a great opportunity to reflect on what we have got and how to best use our abilities or how we relate to others.

 

It sounds to me as if you are pretty good at reflecting Diane and working through how you might adapt your thinking in future. Try some new approaches when he gets back they may work they may not but we never know untill we try.

 

Best Wishes.

[Dijac]

Thanks Lancs Lad - we will have a big change when they go back to school, as they will be at the same school for the first time in ages. Not sure if that'll be a good thing or a bad thing. We shall see.

 

Di

[darkshine]

I think sometimes we can get slotted into roles in our families without always meaning to and it's all too easy to get locked into those roles - at any age - it's amazing what a break away from each other can do to make us see things differently, I've noticed that very small changes in how we act, think, speak and the things we do with each other can change those roles for the better, by making them less concrete

 

I was the youngest in my family - sometimes when people expected me to be a pain in the ###### I would be - people do say we live up to expectations sometimes

Edited August 26, 2012 by darkshine

[trekster]

I hope you are coping well with this new discovery. In some areas of the UK there are sibling support groups or parent support groups either in the subject of general disabilities or autism.

 

i do what I can to give my family a break, ive had a weekend away to celebrate my ASD diagnosis last June, ive had Autscape last month and i've got a residential weekend about hypermobility syndrome coming up in a few weeks time.

 

There is a book called 'parenting for dummies' for kids up to the age of 7. Maybe some of those ideas could be adapted to help your household be more relaxed. i wish my 'parents' had the nerve to seek help for me when I was much younger but their/Ps attitude is to deny my disabilities and they will go away.

 

i really recommend 'multicoloured mayhem' by Jacqui Jackson. It is an amazing book to read, there are great tips for parents in there no matter where on the spectrum they happen to be.

 

School holidays can be really difficult for kids, when i was younger i completed a humanities workbook during the summer holidays (to avoid boredom) one year. I've somehow found a way to entertain myself but other autistic kids need more direction than me.

 

What are your kids hobbies? if you can draw up a schedule for when each parent has quality time with their kiddo. That way hopefully the other kid wont feel left out.

 

i am the oldest in my family and due to my mums disabilities feel like a parent to my younger siblings rather than a sister.

 

I've been helping my brother plan his university and told him today "as long as you are happy im fine with where you study" he joked about "going to china" i replied 'preferably in the UK but make your own mind up about which direction independence wishes to take you'. He did really well when mum went away with gran and he was left to his own devices. Unsure if hes on the spectrum but despite being autistic i can use my skills to help others.

 

It is a great idea that you wish to spend quality time with each kid. Good on you :-)

[Sally44]

Being a sibling to a SEN child can be pants.

My older sister is SEN and it meant that family outings had to be planned around what she could do/tolerate etc. Which was not always what I, or my other siblings wanted. It meant you did take second place, out of necessity.

And now I have my own kids and my youngest is ASD. I can see how it has limited and affected my daughter.

We have only once [in her 13 years], managed to go out just the two of us to do 'mother & daughter things'.

She has always had to fall in line with what we were doing, and has had to cope with just about every outing being disrupted and ending earlier than planned.

She is both a brilliant sister, and yet at other times the resentment is very real.

In an ideal world we would be able to make time for ourselves, our partners, out children, our work and the wider family. But unfortunately there are only 24 hours in the day.

 

But do try to make time for you or your husband or both of you to have some 1:1 time with your other child.

[Dijac]

Thanks for your replies - had a couple difficult days when James got back - then today something really weird - I told them computer had to be turned off for a bit today, and then I caught them playing and laughing together. I think after a break, they realised they missed each other a bit. let's see how long it lasts...