When to tell younger daughter about older sister's AS

[MikeyGee101]

Hi all

At what age should we tell our younger daughter (who is 6 and neurotypical) that her older sister (who is nearly 14) has Asperger's?

 

We are having big upsets between the two of them at the moment.

 

The older one (Eliza) was diagnosed with mild AS about 5 years ago. She is very intelligent, top classes at school, but has no empathy and her speech can often sound aggresive or antagonistic.

As a consequence, our younger daughter (Honey), who is extremely empathic and emotional, can become very upset at the way that Alice talks to her.

 

It isn't helping now that Eliza has taken to trying to 'protect' her sister by parroting the things that we, as parents, say, such as: "don't fall over" or "pick that thing up that you left on the floor so nobody steps on it". But from Eliza they just sound like angry orders!

This, of course, upsets Honey, who wonders why she is being shouted at. Cue the tears and wailing.

Which in turn upsets Eliza, who can't understand Honey's reaction.

My wife then usually tries to calm Honey down, whilst I try to explain her reaction to Eliza.

 

The whole problem is compounded by Eliza's utter refusal to believe that there is even such as thing as Asperger's Syndrome, let alone that she might have it.

This means we can't talk to her about how people react to her voice. Or about anything she does that might upset people (usually it's just us at home, as she is 'on her best behaviour' at school, but doesn't have to be at home - by her own admission.) We end up just managing the fallout.

Plus, there is the whole 'teenage' thing. Her AS can seem to people like just typical teenage behaviour - except that Eliza has ALWAYS behaved like that, from day one. Although now, some of her bahavious is probably 'teenage' too! Double whammy!

 

Do any of you out there have an opinion about whether now would be the right time to let Honey (the 6 year old) know that her sister is 'different', and explain to her about AS?

 

She is very intelligent, and would almost certainly accept without any worries at all (particularly since we've been avidly watching the Paralympics and she is very understanding about the many ways people can be 'different').

We just want Honey to not be upset by her older sister. We can see her confidence starting to be knocked...

 

Any help or advice would be welcome!

[Lynden]

Whether to tell siblings or not is a very personal decision. We have always been honest with my daughter. My son was diagnosed just over 2, when she would have been 3.5 years old and even then we explained things simply ie 'your brothers brain works differently than yours so he doesn't understand that hurts'....type thing. As she's gotten older we've given her more and more age appropriate information and now at 10 she has a fairly good knowledge of autism, and of how it affects her brother. I think if your younger daughter is being affected by your older daughters behaviour it might be the right time to start explaining things - you can explain to her that her sister doesn't mean to be hurtful when she says things. The NAS have many books about talking together about autism. Just give her basic facts, don't fluff it up, just be honest

 

HTH

Lynne

[Shnoing]

Really a difficult one. Especially with a age difference of 8 years.

I think H should not be forced into the role as "older sister". But that's probably the result if you explain it to her while E. is still n denial.

Why should a 6yo be aware of a 14yo's problems?

We had a similar problem, now 19 (NT) and 25 (ADHD). The only solution seems to be for the younger to grow quickly and overtake the older one in height/weight/strenght.

 

You might read Ch. Moore's Sam and George (Jack is far younger and NT).

[smileyK]

There book with simple terms / meaning/explanation of " all cats have aspergers" I would go to library and see if they have this book in! And go through with your younger daughter help her understand on her age appropriate terms! And may help answer any questions or confusions she has which are outstanding and need resolving hope this helps! I also ask the library if can suggest any other books and take NAS book list on NAS website to help guide them explain your situation that you need it in simple terms !!! good luck x and on NAS website there easy read simple explanation of what AS is and means! All the best with everything hope understand their sibling relationship bit improved after this process!

[smileyK]

She probably knows her older sister works different way to her acts behaves differently to can be hard subject topic to face/ approach when anxious / nervous I know this slightly different situation but my niece 7 years old and from day one knew something was up wrong didn't quite make sense add up right she now knows it has a name for it " autism" she knows and accepts I struggle find certain tasks she calls me " special" she told me the other day " you been this way or like this since I've known you" cheeky monkey hey! Lol ;p true fact/ comment though children of that age see things so fresh / realistic eyes you sometimes think they dont understand or know what happening / going on but know more than give them credit/ acceptance for! She's amazing the way she takes things on! She's been brought up with different individual special needs as my twin brother deaf blind ! So she ain't had much choice bless her she's so good with both of us way treats us! We laugh / joke about both our needs with her around her which helps don't hid it or behind it! Face head on try answer questions as much as possible & never be scared of not knowing answers to questions or how to!

[Shnoing]

She's been brought up with different individual special needs as my twin brother deaf blind ! So she ain't had much choice bless her she's so good with both of us way treats us! We laugh / joke about both our needs with her around her which helps don't hid it or behind it! Face head on try answer questions as much as possible & never be scared ...

That seems to be at the core of the problem: that E. doesn't accept how she is, and therefore little H. gets mixed signals!