giving up

[pwnzrd]

It took my 17 years of my life to allow an examination for Aspergus from my local child + mental health services however after countless heartbreaking relationships, social + family issues I finally decided to question why it was so easy for my perception of reality to be so different from those around me and yet I was always the one coming off worse.

The decision was no shock to me, I did my research when I first heard this phrase and my brother and mother also have similar diagnosed problems, a year ago one of my friends who was also Aspergic had a very negative relationship in which he became obsessed with the lady, she left the country and he ended his life. This was the wake up call for me I realized that in allot of ways the negative effects that being autistic has given me are along the same line as him. I can integrate with society, I can give a huge emphases with people and I can act well enough to ensure no one knows the pain behind my eyes. My mother is in and out of hospital and I am currently watching my brother develop obsessions with things/habits that are going to be a huge downfall in his life (not relationships). When I was around 16 I had an unhealthy relationship that led to me taking drugs in order to numb out my difficult sense of emotional understanding - which I am in theory aware of by in practice never and that encounter left me in hospital it's self (psychosis). I am 20 next year and still trying to finish college, I am in a band at the moment I play acoustic guitar obsesivley and sing and with the help of my friends I have taught myself a technique which allows me to preform in front of crowds and have now played 3 or 4 sucsesful sets at my local pub, my band are also in the studio in 3 weeks and we were lucky enough to get 100 FB likes in under a week with only my self recorded video + audio to show off. The problem is this musical project is keeping me alive I have stress coming in from every single possible angle my doctors have reccomended in the past that relationships are a bad idea for me but how am I supposed to help the fact that I feel a huge empathy towards any female who is kind to me? It's all very long and complex as to why but I have the sort of brain that likes to spend hours mulling over long and complex issues (especially when I was around 15 / 16) and I think it's to do with my childhood and unorthodox home life however I won't write anything bad about my mother on a public domain she tried so very hard to bring me and my brother up although her problems didn't enable her to do it (for lack of a more careful word) "well". My Dad used to be my ultimate idol and I suppose it'd be a lie to say that he still secretly isn't I'm so busy with getting kicked out of my house moving around trying to stay in college, be a success, not be sad and stay out of trouble that I cant afford or get the time to see some one who doesn't call or come to pick me up anymore. He asks why I don't call him but I was waiting for him to realize that is the Fathers job (I recently gave in again and went to see him anyway - its heart breaking to see a little brother (3 or 4 ) that talks about you all the time, little ones say the sweetest things but it broke my heart hearing them,

There is a plethora of things that I could write here that all add up to my final point;

I'm breaking down, the government don't give a ######, - docking my bus pass to save taxes (what about docking the Olympics or their wages eh?)

no one truly understands what its like to have emotions with all the wrong inputs and outputs like a fuse box wired up wrongly,

I'm beginning to wonder if it ever ends or if the only option is to get back on some cheap government medication that will numb me out and ensure I don't think (worse than suicide to me).

Sometimes I wan't everyone to go away, sometimes I wish I believed in God so I could just get out of this hell, I have so many friends so many social events to attend and pretend so much pressure on me I can't F*%&^() do this anymore,

all of these issues are being dealt with by some one who cries when he goes to the cinema because he feels everyone's emotions and is overwelmed by seeing people effected by something all at once (this happens before the film).

To society I am a name on a bit of paper and to the average worker I am a emo kid wasting the 1% of their benefit that goes towards DSA or whatever its called.

I'm at my last straw

I don't even think anyone will have much to say to make this better, i'd just be happy to talk to some one on here who at least understands or wants to ask a question about this to help themselves

 

thank you for reading

[Lyndalou]

I know this may not be very much of an answer but I really think you need to speak to someone in 'real life' about how you are feeling as you sound very depressed.

 

Last year I didn't know who to turn to and for the first time phoned Samaritans. The man I spoke to was excellent and a brilliant listener - it really did help just to speak to someone.

 

Hugs, Lynda <'>

[Asun86]

Welcome to the forum Pwnzrd !

 

I often ask myself similar questions to which you have stated in your post.

 

Speaking to other Aspies can really help as they can relate to you perfectly and you can feel better knowing the problems you face aren't just your problems but that of other people on the spectrum, like the old saying, you are not alone ! This really helps because some people are over coming them problems better then others and can offer very helpful advice.

 

If you are depressed, then seek help.

Sometimes it's better to go to the A & E department of your hospital (best to check they have a department for mental health first)

and have a little chat with a psychiatric nurse, they assess you and offer you treatment based upon what you tell them.

If you do go to your GP with depression they will just offer some tablets without giving any information about the effects of depression and how it's best to combat your own depression so you might become a guinea pig for different medication, which isn't good.

 

I worried too much about how society see's me and how the average worker would probably see me as a normal person and think I'm being a sponge on the benefits system, one of the effects of depression is lack of self worth, you feel like a burden sometimes, maybe you have this maybe you don't.

 

Asperger's is of course a life long condition but it doesn't have to control you, there is a good life out there for all Aspies with the right help, I would say never give up hope, for example you are out of the house, going to pubs, playing music, you have done so much more with your life then I have with mine, I would personally say your doing pretty well for an Aspie but who am I'm to judge.

 

 

I hope that I have been of some use to you. All the best.

[raydon]

Hi Pwnzrd

 

I have so many friends so many social events to attend and pretend so much pressure on me I can't F*%&^() do this anymore,

 

Sounds like you are going into overload. Try and cut out the least important things for the moment.

 

What you are feeling is real, it is better to talk about it than go into medicated numbness.

 

Is the studio time going to clash with college?

 

You are playing guitar and in a band that is a massive positive. There's a hell of alot of musicians out there who have stuck two fingers up to the government. You are right, the government doesn't give a ****, try not to rely on them.

 

I'm happy to talk, I'm not qualified but I do work with musicians and have worked (? still working) through my own problems.

[smileyK]

i had similiar issues i been to CAMHS at 14 years old due to MH issues ( depression, undiagnosed social anxiety at the time, panic attacks and self -harm behaviours) i struggled to keep on top of everything felt overwhelmed under pressure suffocated by everything going on around me i reached 'end of the road' feeling of hopelessness ,despair and felt just like you giving in and up i found so hard to face up to everything head on it scared me senseless i felt so alone so desperate even around close family/friends

 

i felt no-one got me understood me or my life however hard i tried to explain put it into words it felt endless cause i felt like couldn't be helped reached so thought 'what's the point' ... everything felt so dark,black around me i felt couldn't see a clear escape route out this when i fell down real hard to my lowest ebb and attempted to end my own life with ODing on several occasions on tablets i realised i want the 'head pain' to stop give me break let me breath have some space from 'myself' my life i tried running and hiding from myself as struggled to come to terms /accept everything going on as so much to accept ..

 

. i felt so weak in myself so drained mentally/emotionally and felt pathetic for reaching this point so i have complete empathy with your situation i've been there! and still go back on occasions when my depression is playing up i realised it was down to depression all along dragging me under and down! it comes down to accepting coming terms but having the understanding/knowledge also the support understanding around to achieve this in the end!

 

i thought i never be one to even think to reach the point of giving up or ending everything due to it! but suppose everyone feels this way sometimes let things get too much for them! ends up building up

 

good luck with this!

 

XKLX

[pwnzrd]

Talking to doctors doesn't help except to organize my thoughts, I have also been to CAMHS since I was about 12 for different reasons as a family and individually, they spend 50% of the time trying to convince me to take a course of medication that I will only end up half taking. Thanks so much to the people who have already responded it's nice to know that people out there exist and although I'd never wish it upon anyone, reassuring to confirm others have struggles somewhat similar to mine.

 

To Raydon, It will not clash hopefully and I will inform my tutor (he's a legend this time) if I have to miss any time. I was at gateway last year (the part of college for people who need help or have problems) and was told that Aspergus "doesn't cause sleep issues" and it was "bolloks" I was then kicked off for telling the bloke to .... leave briskly (in french) not really I told him to F off, I just couldn't take that level of disrespect for something I have been fighting every day, worse yet he was breaking college regulations since I am over 18 by calling home everyday when it wasn't mandatory for me to be in causing unbelievable tension and rows at home which then caused me to not make it in hardly ever or want to. I put in a complaint and received threats from the blokes brother I took no further action and had to argue with college over email for about a week til they accepted Aspergus DOES cause sleep issues not even directly but due to obsession, anxiety etc (doesn't take too much genius to work that out). Because of all that college's management who see me as a name decided I am now doing a Level 1 course (below GCSE standard) (I started level 2 this year but missed 4 days when my mum was readmitted to hospital), I have been at college 3 years and got the best ever grades in the Level 3 course (straight full marks) but failed miserably due to home problems and getting kicked out by Mum and Gran for their own problems.

Because I sing in the one band and play acoustic + sing in the other, being front man is allot of stress already and not something that would usually fit my character profile its just a dream I've been violently clutching all my life and something I am determined to do. I've gone through times when I think I'm depressed and times when I have no idea, then realize months down the line.

To SmileyK I've already been to those places you were talking about I have a pretty damn close call with a few tens of paracetamol and orange juice, there's more but it's something there is no point in going into that in any more detail, was 2 years ago now and I was in a much worse place "risk" wise (psychosis + fathers day when your Dad 'disowned' you don't mix at all). I completely understand where you are coming from with your descriptions of your struggle I really hope you are coping better now thank you for the good wishes

To Asun86 Thanks for the welcome + good wishes, I used to speak to some one with Aspergus similar to me but as I mentioned before he passed away because of complicated issues. I am incredibly lucky to have been in a cognitive state that allowed me to start working for years at putting the negative effects of AS into a way that can pass me off as 'normal' the worst part of all is in my own head.

To LindaLou I'm not much of a phone communicator and I've given up with conventional discussion it just doesnt get me anywhere ):

 

 

 

Is there a way to make pain like worrying about some one you love go away? Relationships have been as I mentioned a huge area of pain for me I have to grin and bare it every time she says she's going to a gig or drum and bass night (she lives in the city close to me) because she's 20 but she's small and fragile and I love her to pieces. I wish I could just not care like everyone else and I want her to be happy so I keep my mouth closed but it means I have to sit up all night with this indescribable feeling of being unsettled and nervous. I'm also very badly effected by changing plans and this relates to my partner and why shes at a D&B night in a rough area of the city and why she isn't here with me now. I've always had issues just like that but it's only really now thanks to a poem I found that she understands why I appear upset over nothing and don't tell her why (was a cached version of a website from Google) It's from a book I think, not a half bad poem I just dislike peoples names in poems it's too personal and less relational (sorry strayed off...)

 

Change, change and more change,

Of context, place and time.

Why is it that life's transient stage,

Plays havoc with my mind?

 

You said, "We'll go to McDonald's"

But this was just a thought.

I was set for hours,

But the plan then came to naught.

 

My tears and confused frustration,

At plans that do not appear,

picture of Wendy Lawson and sister Are painful beyond recognition,

And push me deeper into fear.

 

How can life be so determined?

How can change be so complete?

With continuity there is no end,

Security and trust are sweet.

 

So, who said that change would not hurt me?

Who said my 'being' could not be safe?

Change said, "You need continuity"

In order to find your place.

 

For change makes all things different,

They no longer are the same.

What was it that you really meant?

All I feel is the pain.

Edited October 7, 2012 by pwnzrd

[smileyK]

I also had outstanding past family issues which affected me major way so needed addressing through referral to family therapy with my parents wasn't easy to face issues head on ask unanswered questions directly to them found it uncomfortable was so difficult/ hard pluck up the courage I was scared/ afraid raise sensitive issues with them was tricky but also hurtful and painful for all of us in some way or another! Did help me deal with some " skeltons hidden in closet" let me " move on a bit" don't think I can ever truly move on completely or forget what happened in my past either as deep down has emotionally scarred me for life I had lot anger connected deep within me which was nasty side of me but worked out some of anger could be linked/connected to my past! Not excusing or blaming my appalling anger outbursts! So once again can understand & relate empathise with your situation!

[smileyK]

I'm now managing/ coping better due to the fact of daily medication help me a long when struggling keep my head above everything gives me " boost" that I need to function/ operate " normally" (30 Mg) don't like the fact I'm on medication again as been on & off medication since early teens but if it works fits perfect for me then suppose that's what I need and it's true nature purpose of having it! Other things push me in right way is daily routine of exercise ( gym/swimming/walking) gives you " high feel good factor " true buzz about life until wears off that is! And having more real expectations / deep meaningful understanding of who I am what I am and why i struggle find daily things difficult constant battle ground with myself and my life torn between two worlds normal & A.S and my parents especially my mum finally getting me , and my weird strange AS ways thinking patterns! Makes me more calmer less angry bitter frustrated now trust her lot more! Than did have! Had serious doubts if mine and my parents relationship would survive everything so stormy rocky distant at one point in time became unbearable upsetting just awful!

[raydon]

It seems like the college let you down last year, and as for the "bloke" and his brother, I'm at a loss what to say, that sounds terrible.

 

I'm confused by you saying you got full marks in level 3 and now you are back at level 1. Is this a management/clerical error?

 

Good news that you are getting on with your new tutor, maybe you could book an appointment with him and discuss those level issues.

 

I hope the recording goes well.

[pwnzrd]

It seems like the college let you down last year, and as for the "bloke" and his brother, I'm at a loss what to say, that sounds terrible.

 

I'm confused by you saying you got full marks in level 3 and now you are back at level 1. Is this a management/clerical error?

 

Good news that you are getting on with your new tutor, maybe you could book an appointment with him and discuss those level issues.

 

I hope the recording goes well.

 

Thank you, I was put down to level 1 because of my attendance - I missed 4 days when my mother was admitted to hospital for mental issues and I had to stay at home sorting out food + I didn't feel up to it. I have told them this but my tutor who knows me isn't the one with the power and since I didn't inform them on the day AS THIS WAS HAPPENING!!! it isn't good enough for the invisible management team who I would very much like to meet. My college management has it in for me they rejected me from the level 3 course and downgraded me to level 2 for that regardless of my previous grades + GCSE's (I already have a level 2 diploma at full marks + way more than 5 A - C GCSE's)

Also, I didin't complete the level 3 course (last year) because my mum had a breakdown and I had to move to another town, they are also aware of this (supposedly). I had to beg to get a chance to get back on Level 3 to management and the woman didin't seem like she should be there she seemed as if she should be in a beauty salon bitching about other women (no stereotypes intended haha ). College have destroyed my chance for uni as I am 20 next year I am soon going to be too old for free education however I am sticking with it to keep me in a routeen and make sure I don't get back into my old habits and am awake to see my band / attend practice 3 / 4 times a week.

 

 

On another note this is no way meant to offend any Aspergic mothers reading this however:

 

be prepared for the fact that the role reverses, society won't look after you anymore it IS about the child from that moment on you need to be emotionally ready to accept that fact. My mother won't even go to the shop 2 mins down the road for me when i'm not feeling confident enough to go because she says some one should be looking after her, This isn't how it works and you can't let it be like that in your head. She's still quite happy to drive her car 30 seconds down the road even in her dressing gown to get herself coca cola but if it's me I get the response "I'm in my nightie" "I'm tired" she's even gone to get herself things after telling me this!!

I can tell you allot about the childs perspective of having an aspergic mother especially since I am aspergic myself, transitioning into adulthood and understand her behaviors well.

 

At the minute i'm trying to build up the strength to hand in my mental health housing application form its filled out and notes attached by mum (dont even want to ask gran shes not well either) saying that I can no longer live with them as this is what my mums doctor decided too. Not looking forward to being on my own got no choice!

Edited October 11, 2012 by pwnzrd

[raydon]

College have destroyed my chance for uni as I am 20 next year I am soon going to be too old for free education

 

Not so, I recently met a person who dropped out of school aged 16, spent 6 years in a rock band and has now been accepted at a university on a foundation course. University education isn't free, you get a loan and start to repay it when you are earning enough money. If things are a bit screwed up now, doesn't mean they will be a couple of years down the road, don't give up.

 

I still can't see any logic in studying at level 1 when you have level 2 diplomas. You seem intelligent and articulate, can you write a reasoned letter and send it to the local education authority, or to someone higher than your college management? There must be a formal complaints mechanism in place. You musn't let personality clashes hinder you, the college is there to educate and support you.

 

Hope your accomodation works out, it's pretty vital to have some sort of base.

[pwnzrd]

They have told me that my technical ability / grades are not the problem. The problem has been my attendance and a series of very understandable misfortunes that they know aren't directly my fault they are also aware I am aspergic. I can't help but think it has something to do with the guy that I swore at after being insulted by last year because how could a college that is receiving funding to help people through college treat me unfairly in this way? It's a joke..

 

Thanks for your reply by the way I can't see the logic either, there isn't any. I have to do it for college to let me back onto level 2 at Christmas and level 3 next year which as far as I am aware I will have to pay for. If my progress is hindered any further I will not hesitate to write to everwhere and everyone I can possibly think of since they have admitted after some lengthly emails that they broke conduct with me by phoning home and causing disruptions and a multitude of situations that just required a little more logic on their behalf (such as telling me there is no evidence to suggest Aspergus and sleep issues are linked)

 

actually here's the conversation (I made a complaint on the phone straight away after telling the guy what I thought of him as I knew he would have me out of a chance at college otherwise)

 

... (starts with date I called blablba) "As you are over 18 we would normally only speak to you about your college affairs, unless you had given permission otherwise. I have advised the staff in the Gateway to adhere strictly to this from now on.

 

You stated that your inability to get out of bed was due to your condition. We are in frequent contact with our Autism team here in the college and they have advised that this would be unusual. If you have actual evidence to the contrary – a medical assessment for example - then please let me have a copy.

 

You seemed unclear over the process for acceptance onto a course next year." .. (continues to tell me how I may not have understood the application process) -- considering I had already acheived straight Distinction marks doing Level 3 Media, have more than good enough GCSE's to do A levels and was accepted into a 6th form before that it was almost an insult.

 

My response was (I was thinking of taking Art at this point as I thought band 3 - 4x a week for 2 hours was enough Music for me, I was wrong!!):

 

"The sleep issues are not directly caused by the condition but I have obsessions that keep me awake and my brain is often in overdrive, I was given sleeping medication previously, I'm also offended that it was said to me that my aspergus was "###### ######" since I have to deal with it all the time and run into difficulty quite often, has that misconduct been overlooked?

I don't think this has been taken seriously enough and I'm quite annoyed at this response however thank you very much for looking into it at least, I have been consistently trying to improve my attendance however I really didn't enjoy my time at Gateway I found it unhelpful and demotivating to attend especially towards the end. The first few courses I finished the first year but due to family problems had to move out of the town and couldn't afford travel; this is a similar reason to why I've reapplied for art. I have also prepared a portfolio of artwork in hope that I will be given an interview, the application has gone in already (since monday) and I've applied for the courses before and am fully aware that I might not be able to get back on the course - but am fully prepared to give it my best shot at completion.

I have in fact been trying extremely hard with college and am prepared to try and go the extra mile and finish this time over.

 

Also here are some web links talking about Aspergus and sleep issues:

 

http://life-with-asp...eep-issues.html

 

http://www.ncbi.nlm....cles/PMC270035/

 

"Studies find that approximately 73% of children with Asperger’s Syndrome (AS) experience sleep problems, and these problems tend to last longer in this group than they do for children without AS"

 

http://www.aane.org/...s_asperger.html

 

also I thought I'd chuck one more link in that is a very reliable source, I think the Aspergus team need to get more up to date / complete information because 73% of people with Aspergus have sleep issues how isn't that common?

 

http://www.autism.or...CFRMgtAod2gESRQ

 

kind regards,

Joe Faulkner"

 

​After that they sent me an official apology (in email). If it wasn't for my persistence all I would have received was the insulting response I gained from the first email. I am not one to hold grudges in fact the whole thing is a bit trivial to me I just want to get into college and get the hell out with marks that reflect my ability at the end of the day however I have been dealt a ###### hand recently regardless of my efforts - internally can seem like im trying 1000x harder than my peers and still struggling.

 

So there's that.. It's a shame really I like allot of the staff especially in the music department that I am now in. It just all seems very strange the college seems nice and helpful but yet the longer I've been there the less it seems that way, a few teachers in the college are really the ones that make it shine without them it wouldn't even be worth completing the level 1 as I intend to do just to work my way up a ladder that shouldn't even be there!!

 

PS. This thread has had 198 views.. daunting LOL.. hopefully it doesn't beat my youtube record of 7k views hahaha. I hope none of them work at College or I might find myself on Level -0.5

Edited October 13, 2012 by pwnzrd

[raydon]

I have to do it for college to let me back onto level 2 at Christmas and level 3 next year

 

I see, it's a sort of probationary period. As you say it's a shame, it has set your agenda back by a year, but life is not a linear progression. You are not being challenged academically, but you can still be creative and get other stuff sorted out, and most importantly get your self in there.

 

I find dealing with management tiresome, it's like being a free spirit asking for reason, but always being replied to in very limited normalised ways, so frustrating. I feel your pain, and respect your resiliance.