Taken a step back again

[Noskcaj86]

Finding my son's behaviour so difficult again. He had improved a bit and had almost totally stopped hurting his brother but the last week hes gone back to how he was, hurting baby brother, me and his dad. Not listening to us much. Not following instructions and not sleeping. Extremely hyper active. School have said the same, they thought he was improving but has gone down hill again. Its so difficult not to get stressed out and angry towards him. He got hold of some anti bac kitchen wipes this eve end squeezed the cleaning stuff out of them on to his baby brothers head, it ran in to his eyes Didnt manage to stop him in time. Anyone else find that there kids behaviour varies so drastically weekly or even daily?

[justine1]

I think everyone's behaviour changes through the day or week to week. People can wake up happy and end miserable or vice versa. Usually as a result of what the person's feeling as well as external factors.

 

My boys have had periods of regression but its usually over a much longer period..so they may have been ok in one area (sleeping) for 6months but not so great in another (speech) but then it changes to the other way around. It can be so hard as you end up at square one all over again. Again there is almost always a reason for the change in behaviour. It may seem insignificant to you or I but very much so for them.

 

It may be a change at school as they are starting to implement changes to help him at school and this subtle changes can easily effect him home and school. I know with Sam he takes at least 2-3 weeks to settle when the school changes something and that includes when coming back from a school half term or holiday. It can be annoying as he will settle for four weeks and then they on a break again and it starts all over again. Are the school using a visual timetable for him and are the sticking to it? Sam had one at his previous mainstream but it was not in a place that was accessible for Sam and so was quite useless really.

[indiscreet]

Its so difficult not to get stressed out and angry towards him.

 

Maybe you SHOULD get angry towards him.

[Noskcaj86]

I do, that's what im saying! Its hard not to, so I do. He had a good telling off after squeezing the anti bac wipes over his brothers head, but the thing is he doesnt really understand he's being naughty so it doesnt help when me, his dad, his teacher get angry at him. He also doesnt understad when someone is angry, or sad etc.

[justine1]

Telling off on its own won't work. What sanctions do you have in place and does he know what will happen when he does something wrong?

 

Likewise with school?

Edited December 2, 2012 by justine1

[Noskcaj86]

He has a reward chart at school for good behaviour but unfortunatly hasnt got any stickers yet at home he's rewarded for good behaviour with treats, for bad behaviour he doesnt get any treats. He doesnt seem to be able to control his behaviour even though he does try (I think). At school he's very hyper active and cant join in with group activities. In P.E he will run around doing his own thing and not join in with a ball game or anything like that. They have a reward system in school where the child who has done well in the week gets a star of the week reward, his brother has had 2 since October but he's had none. I dont want to get angry at him as much as I so because I know he's not doing it on purpose, I want to find other ways to try and get him to understand whats acceptable and what isnt.

Edited December 2, 2012 by Noskcaj86

[justine1]

Rewards and sanctions need to go hand in hand. You can't have one without the other. Whilst rewards are great they are really ineffective because the child only gets the reward when they behave which could be weeks even months...what about when they are not so good? Not getting the reward does'nt work there needs to be a consequence for the behaviour.

 

Treats or stickers cannot work on a day to day basis. Removal of time is very effective having used it for two years I can see a big difference in the behaviour of all four boys. So if he has playtime or golden time at school he needs to lose that when he misbehaves and at home he should not be able to play what he wants or lose telly or game time. At his age 10min should be ok as a starting point. So he loses 10min for negative and gains 10min for the positive.

 

Stickers can be used if he does not lose any time in a day and then at the end of the week or even month he can have something special for the good behaviour. It does not have to be 100% maybe 75-80% I would just let my boys chose something from the pound shop,its cheap and I avoid using food/sweets as a treat/reward.

[Noskcaj86]

Yes this makes sence, but as hes only 4 (a young 4, acts younger) im not sure what sanctions I could use. He doesnt have set times for t.v and no favorate programs or anything. He doesnt use the computer of DS or anything. He mostly plays with his toy cars in his spare time, or runs riot as he has to much energy. So the only thing I can think of is confiscating toy cars? Do you think this would work? I tried it tonight when he kept getting out of bed, he had 5 cars and each time he came down stairs i took one away and put him back to bed saying I would remove another one if he got up again. By car no 3 he came down and handed me the car himself :/ lol so that kind of failed!

[justine1]

That depends on how consistent you will be. You will need to explain to him that you will remove the toy/s and for how long. Realistically he should not be having toys in bed if he is having trouble sleeping,if it is that much of a comfort to have them he would not have been so willing to give them to you and when you took one away he would have been upset,which clearly he was'nt and therefore he does not need them.

 

However it can work if you remove the toy immediatley after he has done something wrong,if he has five cars you need to remove all five at once he can then earm them back over the course of the day or the next day. The first car he can have back after 30min if he is behaving then continue giving back each car gradually. If he misbehaves again remove how ever many cars he has. He will eventually understand,these things don't happen overnight.

As I say I been using sanctions correctly for two years,I had the "I am not bothered" attitude on more than one occassion,once Sam was not allowed to play outside(during summer) which is something he loves, he really did'nt seem upset but I did see him gazing out the window and when I told him he could go out the next day for behaving he was so happy. You just need to be consistent some days they may not care about being "punnished" other times they will cry, kick and scream.

 

If he has a visual timetable this should include telly time even if he does not have a favourite programme I am sure he does watch something,if its on the timetable you can then remove the time. Or it could be time doing something else he likes,so long as it is on the timetable. The timetable and sanctions need to work hand in hand as with the reward system.

[Noskcaj86]

Im just not sure he's old enough yet for a time table etc, like I said he's a young 4 so im not sure his understanding is at a good enough level yet. I think that's why school are also struggling with him. But i will give it a go and see. Thanx for advice

[justine1]

But its a visual timetable,therefore you will be using pictures and words not just words. A two year old can have such a timetable,they may not be able to follow it but you teach them and thats the purpose. Otherwise how will you know when he is ready? And when he is how will you suddenly get him to understand. It takes times so you start from now,otherwise he will be 8 and you will be in the same place you're at now.