Alex_a_scholar Report post Posted January 24, 2013 For as long as I can remember I have been sub-consciously attempting to untangle the extremely complex knot/puzzle that is my mind. My obsessive compulsions are not physically manifest, but are an obsessive quest to untangle the knots, to solve the puzzle. The solution to the puzzle is not known to me, although I will see the solution long before I untangle the knots, as I follow my finely tuned intuition. To take a wrong turn along my intuitive path could strike catastrophe and take a life-time to amend; the need to take the correct turns in a methodical and efficient manner is the source of my great anxiety. The physical, emotional and spiritual energy this quest demands of me is, I believe, the source of my depression. That is my current understanding of the roots of my three daemons; Obsessive compulsions, anxiety and depression. The times when I make progress are, I believe, the times when I am exhibiting manic episodic symptoms. I love you all. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sa Skimrande Report post Posted January 24, 2013 Depression to me is an imbalance in the mind/body/spirit equation and it is an equation where we all have different variables. Which could be why the meds don't work for all unless one adopts the sledge hammer approach which causes all sorts of other problems. But solutions I can define before I know the question and I have to know the question in order to understand the answer I have already obtained. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Merry Report post Posted January 24, 2013 Alex, this is beautiful. I feel like i've been on a similar roller coaster in my life too. The periods of intense study can certainly be the most enlightening times, even if they are the most stressful. The depressions, maybe a necessary pause to let all the learning settle. I used to think God was leading my learning, because it would often seem too perfect for chance. I would feel guided and taught, every new sight or sound a part of my present `teaching` and was definitely led by intuition. Synchronicity. Perfect flow. It's an amazing thing to throw yourself into the current obsession, it feels to my like that's when i'm most `on course`. It is a very subtle, spiritual feeling thing...to feel on or off course. The learning changes, comes and goes, fades out, repeats itself, all over time....and with these gentle pauses which happen when i burn out (Or maybe not always so gentle), comes reflection...blankness, darkness. For me, these are the times when non-thinking occurs to enable my mind to absorb the new learning and become changed. I believe i too have these 3 facets of my one personality that you described so well. And I have learned to trust that process and be thankful for it. It may be perfectly natural for us to have the times of intense learning, and frantic urges to follow our paths at all costs, balanced by the periods of inactivity and rest. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Alex_a_scholar Report post Posted January 24, 2013 Merry, you are beautiful. I feel like I have just held your hand in a very intimate way. I need time to think what to say next...... x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smileyK Report post Posted January 24, 2013 I'm in the same predictment right now of trying work out where next to go what neXt to do for the best try help myself out of this state before my family have truly reached the end of the road,last tether then I on my own I lost them all my eight year old neice is scared of me due to me "kicking off" in front of her now can't control used to be able to when she was around! And that well huge amount guilt comes in that she don't feel safe and secure/protected around me -her auntie literally destroys me knowing that I'm on last chance /warning with my older sister if I mess this up I can't see my neices again I'm wrecking messing up everything my family what for! Because my mental health messing me up screwing me up! And services getting me in a pure mad tizz/spin adds to frustration! Its not like I love moaning being nasty cruel unkind all of sudden spring out ill never forgive myself! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lyndalou Report post Posted January 24, 2013 (edited) Alex I would say that I've learned a lot simply by making mistakes. Sometimes it is a good thing to experience what can go 'wrong' in order to make it 'right'. I can look back in my life and I see all the connections. I see all the problems I've had, all the successes and failures and all the good and poor decisions I have made and connect them all together and now everything makes a lot more sense than it used to. I've maybe not gone in a straight line but I've made some progress along my own personal life journey. All the way through my 20's in particular I felt like I was going nowhere and worse still I often I felt like I was running just to stand still. It was completely exhausting. I've variously called those years my 'wilderness years' and my 'steep learning curve'. So, I have a bit of an idea of what you are describing... At the start of your journey you can't predict what it is going to be like. You may know where you want to go but you might take a detour and go the wrong direction and then have to get back on course again, you might hit road bumps and incur some damage and you might have to sit for a while waiting as something blocks your way forward. Sorry about the travel cliche but I think it is like this! Good Luck with your journey Lynda Edited January 24, 2013 by Lyndalou Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JeanneA Report post Posted January 25, 2013 Lovely words Lynda :-) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Alex_a_scholar Report post Posted January 25, 2013 Thank you once again for your words Lynda. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
