Does anyone else feel this way?

[Gold MD]

OK.

 

I work with a lot of support workers as I get outreach support and I live in supported housing where they sleep over, and there is a drop-in facility that service users can use, and there are social activities most days. For the most part, everyone is so nice and I like my shifts. However, I think I have issues with attachment.

 

A lot of my support workers are female and as such, you can get to be quite comfortable with them so easily. I tend to prefer women over guys, but I do work with a lot of guys too. My problem though is that I tend to have support personnel that I class as my 'favourites' and then if they one day leave the job, it bothers me. However, I do know that life works like that.

 

Recently, they decided to have teams rather than do things the way they did before. This means that people that are support workers are assigned areas to work in. The sacrifice here is that a lot of the ones I liked to work with only work outwith my area, so I rarely even see them around the office, which is flat 1 where I live. They've even spoke of getting new office space for these specific teams and whatnot.

 

There was one lady I loved to work with a lot who was just really cool. She no longer works where I have support, but she's still an employee of this company elsewhere and her brother is employed as a support worker too. I'm often talking to this lady's brother about her when I see him and he doesn't seem to say an awful lot about her when I ask him about her current activities. I'm not allowed to add staff on Facebook or that, so I guess it's due to boundaries. I last had her for support in 2011.

 

I was working with another nice woman a few months ago who went off to California. We had a final shift where I was not in a good mood that day and was stressed about some stuff. We never got to have another shift to make up for it as that is around the time when the teams got moved apart (in July) and then someone told me she was going to California to do another project, but could return after 9 months. Although it would not matter to me, as she was categorized elsewhere anyway. I've tried adding her on Facebook, but she won't approve me. She's not allowed to. I only wanted to say goodbye properly as I was not available when she knocked on my door to announce her leaving and all.

 

That's another thing that annoys me; I don't really have a large circles of friends and support workers don't count as friends, even if they are 'friendly' people. My only really close friend is a much older man and all we do is play pool, and I put music on his various phones. I'm always peeking at their Facebook pages and they all seem 'normal' and that makes me feel hopeless not to mention jealous. They all have great lives. Many also have partners and additional careers. I've not got Jack. All I do is whine about my ex, who was my only real girlfriend and not even much of one at that. I'm basically going over the same things because my mind seems unwilling to blank the no good rotter out of my head forever.

 

Right now, I love working with my newest key worker, as she seems fair and I feel we'll get productive things done. A lot of my other key workers prior to this were not bad people in general, but we never really clicked a lot of the time. Unfortunately, I just feel that it could all abruptly end one day. The seniors seemingly stopped giving me shifts with a woman called Joanna because I text her once asking her to date me. Things are great now between me and my key worker, yes. But will they remain that way?

 

I also use escorts. They aren't very nice people. I end up being too impotent to have sex to a satisfactory level. I do use Viagra, but using escorts is no substitute for real love. All they want is the money you hand over. That's all they care about, even if they are good at what they do. I'm a lost soul now.

 

Sigh. It's a lonely planet.