Husband with aspergers losing temper with his children

[Meday]

My husband has been diagnosed with aspergers relatively recently. He has difficulty with his children as when they won't do what they are told in certain situations he gets very angry and occasionally aggresive.

 

For example yesterday he was in a difficult social situation all day so he was stressed when my 13 year old step daughter started playing up. He got extremely angry with her, far more than was needed, she was being very argumentative but I think his reaction was over the top.

This has happened with his 10 year old son to the point that he didn't see him for a while, and he has lost his temper with our 2 and 3 year old sons too.

 

I have been told by the person that did my husbands pre assessment and my health visitor that our 3 year old already shows signs of aspergers; the other children have a few of the traits too such as sensitivity to touch, dylexia and getting very involved so you can't get their attention, which makes things even more difficult.

 

I have quite a short fuse too but I can easily snap out of it to deal with another child, and if I do go over the top in my eyes I will immediately apologise and hug the child and explain why. However, because he finds physical contact with his children difficult (but not with me), and he can't just move on from things as quickly it means that they can feel scared of him, and are not always reassured that he still loves them after an incident occurs.

 

I am looking for some advice on how to help with his. He has done some couselling which has helped a lot, but I'm worried about how he will deal with the younger boys as they grow up, especially if they have traits too and so are unlikely to easily back down, or want to do what they are told in all situations.

 

Thanks

[Sally44]

I think the best advice I can give is to have ground rules that you and your husband agree to, so that if they are broken, you also have agreed what the punishment for that would be for that child.

 

So once there is consistency and agreement between the two of you, that then leaves the question "how do we handle it at the time it is happening."

 

I think the best thing is not to get into an argument. I just does not help and escalates things. It may mean that the adult says something like "I am not going to argue about this. You have done x and the punishment for that is y. And then the adult walks away from the situation, or the child is sent to their bedroom to calm down.

 

My teenage daughter can be argumentative an answer back. And I just say something like "stop answering back. If you continue the punishment will be worse, so go to your bedroom please to calm down.

 

Children and adults need boundaries and that makes then feel secure. Knowing that certain behaviour will get punished also makes them feel secure. Shouting and screaming and getting aggressive will make them nervous or teach then that that is how you should behave. If your husband gets very stressed and aggressive that is not good. He needs to walk away from the situation. Not so that he leaves you to deal with it all. But that he says what needs to be said to the child and then does not get dragged into a slanging match.

 

If he cannot deal with it at that moment, he can say something like "you have done x, y or z. You need to go to your room to calm down and I will speak with your mum and we will decide what your punishment will be."

 

Don't know if any of that helps.

[JFTB]

Hi there,

 

Do you mind if I ask another couple of questions? Would your husband have reacted in the same way if he hadn't just had to deal with a difficult social situation earlier that day? Was your kid just being a normal kid, but your husband couldn't cope with a difficult day at work, then also a difficult evening at home? If so, does your husband recognise that he might be having a meltdown, and just needs space to give his brain a break after his day at work before he can cope with home life? I used to have melt downs at work, until I figured out that I just needed some space during the day without people in it to stay balanced (and yes, as a woman, it was hard to get).

 

Also, why was your daughter being argumentative? Is she being an unreasonable teenager, and therefore needs the boundaries as suggested in the previous post, or (in addition to the boundaries) does she also need someone to listen and is finding it hard to get any attention (it sounds like it might be a busy household)? If she is on the spectrum, is she finding school hard for any particular reason?

 

You won't be able to change everything over night, but you can probably start by making small changes (ones you think are positive changes for your family), and small changes can often make a big difference over time.

 

Good luck with this!

 

JFTB