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      Depression, Mental Health and Crisis Support   06/04/2017

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Mr Salvador

'BLANK' days?!

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Do you ever get those days like I have today when you just feel blank?

 

you know theres things you need to do in the real world but everything is going all crazy on the inside and you cant focus on anything real just to ramble and vent online about how you cant focus and your frustrated?!

 

I know theres things I need to do. most of them are not even that important, some I guess maybe are, like put a vest and some socks on I guess but im stuck. I seem to be able to function to drill the keyboard to be venting on here for 2 hours now but 'stuck', im not sure how else to describe it?

 

I just found out my gf's kids have got mariokart on the wii, and believe me that IS one of my specialist interests, im obsessed with it to the point I need to consider taking my propranolol when talking or thinking about it so I don't end up having an anxiety attack or mood change if someone disturbs me....

 

and I cant even move to do that. im just stuck, biting my jaw too its uncomfortable

 

I cant describe it any else

 

not sure if its just me or if this happens to others, but its like this morning I didn't really wake up and part of me is still asleep andi can only seem to exist through the keyboard?!

 

I really need to get a handle on this...come one Salvador mariokart kid! lets move, lets go do this and get stuck there instead!

 

what?!

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Mihaela   

I used to have 'blank days' every once in a while, but not any more. Days are never long enough for me.

Although... I do suffer from occasional acedia - that's if 'suffer' is the right word, for it's a weird bittersweet experience, which can even inspire me.

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I get those days a lot. Some days I'm like all go and very productive - but those days I cannot sit still or relax at all, it's one thing to the next without stopping. Then I get days like the one you describe - so much to do, but wake up feeling like a completely useless zombie, brain will not function or make sense of anything - it's all like a big muddle in your head. So try to write a list. Then look at list. Oh dear, feel despondent. Even the list doesn't look right - it's not happening, I can't even remember what to write on the list, I don't even know what day it is today or what day it is tomorrow or the next, I can't even write a blooming list! I beat myself up - I'm useless, so sod it, just go on the computer and tell someone about it because there's nothing else I can do.

 

Yep! I have those days.

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I get those days a lot. Some days I'm like all go and very productive - but those days I cannot sit still or relax at all, it's one thing to the next without stopping. Then I get days like the one you describe - so much to do, but wake up feeling like a completely useless zombie, brain will not function or make sense of anything - it's all like a big muddle in your head. So try to write a list. Then look at list. Oh dear, feel despondent. Even the list doesn't look right - it's not happening, I can't even remember what to write on the list, I don't even know what day it is today or what day it is tomorrow or the next, I can't even write a blooming list! I beat myself up - I'm useless, so sod it, just go on the computer and tell someone about it because there's nothing else I can do.

 

Yep! I have those days.

 

you took the words right out of my mouth,

 

usually I cant find the words to explain things. that's why I don't do well at doctor visits

 

I hope one day there will be calm and happiness with the calm

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I only ever get the words out properly when writing. I'm good at writing - at talking. x

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Mihaela   

Haha! Same here, unless I'm talking about some special interest, but then I must be careful not to bore people. This good-at-writing, rubbish-at-talking thing is quite normal among aspies. :)

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So im trying to fight it again today too. My brain is tired of spinning about 2nd part of assessment tomorrow and trying to shut down but my daughter keeps calling me so I can't

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Mihaela   

There's no point fighting it. Just distract yourself with things you like doing. Spend time with your daughter. Fighting it will only increase your stress.

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I have to fight it to drive her back. I haven't got time to endulge in any rest.

 

Its a long way and I just need to switch my brain back on somehow and keep going forwards...

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How many times do I say that to people? "I haven't got time to relax/rest/for me..." It's like you HAVE to do what you've pre-planned otherwise something awful is going to happen. My mum took me for a spa day not long ago thinking I'd appreciate the time to 'relax'. I found it more stressful, thinking about all the productive things I could be doing. Sitting still makes me feel anxious and twitchy. She mistakes me for being unappreciative (she has no idea I have ASD) but has no idea ofthe anxiety this causes me. Not many people know me really at all. Only my partner. I guess this is typical of lots of us on here?

 

So yeah, I 100% get you when you say "I haven't got time to indulge in any rest!" And you have my full empathy. We are very good at putting pressure on ourselves - not because we want to, but because we need to in order to function. To anyone else that would sound well weird. I love this forum because it makes you feel so not weird. :-) x

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Mihaela   

Ditto here. 'Relaxing' gets me all on edge and frustrated. These people who go away on holiday to 'relax' (i.e. do nothing) - I just don't get them. I feel as if doing nothing is a waste of time - and life. I've always got to be busy doing something, and when people moan about being bored I can't understand why for there's always so much to do. They must lead very empty, shallow lives. I only feel bored under duress - such as when I was at school, which was so mind-numbingly b-o-r-i-n-g! So I understand your frustration at visiting that spa under duress. I'd have felt just the same.

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Gold MD   

Edit: I use this lame phone, so it screws up my posts sometimes as the keypad is awkward. The pigs took my laptop away.

 

I may have sadly developed agoraphobia. If I go in a shop, I can only buy one thing in case I have an anxiety attack. Last night for example, I wanted to get two mochas for £2 and a box of chocolates. Most other shops charge £2 just for one mocha so obviously it makes sense to look out for deals. However, I end up wasting money going into multiple stores as having to wait until all my items are scanned makes me panic like crazy. You also know my support ended a year ago, so doing everything by myself is not easy. It might be a case of my life is ruined. People with anxiety can become a hermit which is not good. That ABBA singer went that way, and that worries me.

Edited by Gold MD

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I don't think I have agrophobia but I have become a bit of a hermit

 

I hate shopping but I have to have a list and just buy what is on the list, and I never go without my coloured lenses.

 

the cue waiting to pay is the most stressful I think as I am stuck in the sue with nowhere to go.

 

I didn't know about your support ending, I am waiting for support, I have had none my whole life and its gone all wrong in trying to survive all on my own or relying on women to support me when they are often too ignorant or selfish of my issues

 

my anxiety however has led me to be a hermit, I want a job but it always goes bad and I end up homeless, I know living on benefits isn't great but at least its better than homeless

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Gold MD   

If that causes you stress, you could perhaps order food online with Iceland or Sainsbury's so you get a delivery guy to bring it to your door. Minimum £25 usually and £3 for delivery. It is what I do.

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If that causes you stress, you could perhaps order food online with Iceland or Sainsbury's so you get a delivery guy to bring it to your door. Minimum £25 usually and £3 for delivery. It is what I do.

 

I have tried that before but I ordered my food for Friday delivery and the chicken I ordered for sunday roast had Saturdays date on it...

 

I have to brave the shops to make sure the food is fresh, usually I take my stepdaughter and my coloured lenses, she loves the chance to get away from her brother for a bit lol

 

however I can see the logic in doing most of it online...as we speak I can see myself ordering the bits and pieces so all I have to go into the shop for is the fresh stuff, then I can go

 

thanks for the idea, or at least reminding of its usefulness in avoiding anxiety

 

peace and blessings

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Gold MD   

When it comes to buying my horror films, most of them are Region 1 and so many aren't in the UK. Buying them on Amazon is annoying, as sellers will deliberately up the cost of anything hard to find. But yeah, be wary of meat going out of date. That will certainly be very bad for you if you ate it.

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When it comes to buying my horror films, most of them are Region 1 and so many aren't in the UK. Buying them on Amazon is annoying, as sellers will deliberately up the cost of anything hard to find. But yeah, be wary of meat going out of date. That will certainly be very bad for you if you ate it.

 

sorry to hear you are having troubles obtaining region 1 dvd's

 

have you thought about direct downloads to you PC and link using hdmi cable to watch on your tv?

 

your pc should be able to produce better graphics than 1080 hdmi so picture quality would then only be limited by your tv

 

although saying that it is nice to have the collection on the shelf n'est pas?

 

as for meat, I am very wary. my degree was in microbiology so therefore I have to brave the cues in the shops. I don't and wont avoid going out if it is necessary. there is however a sliding scale of importance and sometimes these things change from day to day.

 

if I am hungry, I must eat. I terrible for not eating alone. if im by myself I get lost in things and forget to eat, sometimes for days. however now that I have a new family I cook for them and thusly nourishing myself. in the evenings at least, or if I have a job at lunchtime too. something im working on but not much luck with work. im far too highly strung for the only things I get offered

 

I would be far more suited to processing logic and solving problems for high level business or govt. but alas having dyslexia and not admitting it at uni stopped me from achieving my full potential now I am left with getting messed about by agencies through desperation and I lothe what I have become for not being honest about my condition earlier.

 

I didn't know the name for my condition so tried to hide it. now I have a beautiful woman who loves me who is a mental health worker, and nurse in training. she saw it all in me and I could not hide it from the woman I felt is the one. I wanted to be honest and opened up my sectret about how my sister had this conversation with my estranged mother about how she was a teacher now and had met loads of kids with different conditions and she now believes that maybe they 'missed something' with me....

 

and down the rabbit hole I went...

 

im not sure where I go from here? perhaps you have some experiences you could share? ultimately I think that sort of group therapy is where I need to be, im just afraid of falling down further. I cant afford to be homeless again now that I have a daughter, she needs me to 'live', yet in the real world I barely survive let alone know how to make it a life?

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