Grandparents, christmas and aspergers!

[witsend]

Hope this post isn't gonna turn into too long a rant feeling really fed up and confused and just want to offload this. Basically we have had a few upsetting incidends lately around how my father treats/speaks to my ds. My father is in his 70's but quite fit and active, he is quite conservative and old fashioned I suppose. I have always told him about what is happening with my son including telling him when son was dx and explaining AS to him as best I could. Trouble is my Dad doesn't seem to want to know, to the point where I have practically stopped telling him stuff. He still treats my son as if he is NT and he can be quite strict and curt with him at times, when this upsets my son and he reacts (my Dad would say over-reacts) in a typical AS way (you can imagine ) my Dad gets angry and upset and shouts at him to stop acting like a baby etc etc, yesterday when this happened my son just ran away and I found him crouched in a ball all stiffened up and it was horrible In the meantime my Dad was just huffing and puffing and saying "Well you've got your hands full with that one"

My Mum died two years ago, she was so close to me and my son and she was fantastic with him, it makes me so sad that she's not here for my son anymore and his only granparent who is around is slowly but surely alienating him. My son thinks the world of his Grandad and has always been respectful and very kind towards him, I don't think my Dad even realises how hard my son tries around him and sometimes it makes my blood boil

The latest thing which is what I was gonna post about in the first place, is that my Dad (who always comes to us at Christmas) has said to my sister he doesn't think he'll bother "going anywhere" for Christmas this year, he'll just spend it with a mate of his from the pub!! I an ###### incensed. Mum died two years ago just before Chrismas and the following year my husband and I split up so he wasn't there for Christmas either, now it looks like my Dad aint coming this year Really don't know how to feel or what to do. Should I ask my Dad directly about it or wait til he says something? And do I tell him what I really think (that he's being selfish and I'm really disappointed in him) or do I just act like it's all OK to prevent a row or any bad feeling. My Dad does not talk about feelings anyway!

Anybody else out there got similar problems and or advice?

Luv Witsend.

[mossgrove]

Witsend

 

This must be a very difficult situation for you.

 

We have similar issues in our family. While they accept the diagnosis for out two eldest boys and to a limited extent understand it, they have pulled back from spending too much time with them.

 

I am not sure if your Dad is being selfish in the way that you think he is. He is after all in his seventies, he may be active for his age, but a small child whose behaviour can be challanging can be stressful/difficult and a huge challenge for someone of that age. It certainly is for may Father who is also in his 70's and active for his age.

 

My own father can be abrupt at times with our children, but beneath the surface I think some of it is frustration with himself at not knowing how to deal with situations that arise. It is very upsetting for all concerned when it happens. As parents we have all learned ways of delaing with situations that are different from those that other parents use with NT children.It can be very hard for Grandparents to get their head around the fact a child is different, especially if they don't look any different from other children.

 

It is only two years since you Dad lost your mother. Christmases are going to be an especially difficult time for him, so it is possible that he really doesn't feel he can cope with a 'family' Christmas. This is a selfish was of lloking at things, but it is also understandable.

 

You do not know the full context of your Father's remarks to your sister, so it is probably best not to mention the converasation to him. Could you just ask him in the normal way what he plans to do at Christmas?

 

 

Simon

[anxiousmom]

My advice would be to come out and tell him. Speak to him and get everything out in the open.

 

There may be a number of reasons he's making this decision - if you don't discuss it it'll grow in your head and you'll be thinking that he's thinking and he might just not be thinking anything of the sort. Feelings and assumptions going around your head can be really magnified and really do eat away at you.

 

Try be calm and tell him you want him with you.... need him even.

 

My dad used to be this all powerful figure of doom and authority... always critisising, never praising . I was never good enough and his 'advice' was always coming like it or not. One day I just flipped out - I told him that'd it'd be great to take his advice on raising my kids but unfortunately I prefer to take advice from someone who had actually had a hand in doing it themselves and that if he really cared he'd know I was doing my best and he ought to support me and not critise me. Afterall I was the product of his raising and if I'm so hopeless what does that say about him (or something along those lines!) He was gob smacked. .. but since then we've grown closer. And now anytime he comes out with something I don't like or agree with I can tell him.

 

In short... don't bottle stuff up... better out than in and who knows it might lead to something better. <'>

[witsend]

Thank yo for your replies. Simon I've read your post through a couple of times since and since I've calmed down a bit I agree your right, I think maybe I have been a bit inconsiderate and harsh on my Dad I still do think he could make the effort to come for Xmas dinner (he knows I don't expect him to stay all day) for the sake of the kids really. I suppose I'm worried my son will think (know) that Grandad isn't coming because of him, although I don't know if that really is the case, but it feels that way. But in any case I'll think of something. Your right I suppose I forget how difficult it must be for an elderly percon to cope with kids with challenging behaviours and I think my Dad often does feel frustrated himself that he doesn't know how to handle it. I guess really I just miss my mum

Anxiousmum I'm a bit like you I don't like to let things fester and my first inclination is to go round and have it out. Now I've thought it through though I don't think I'll say anything for the timebeing, I may wait 'til he raises the subject first (unless it gets to xmas eve and nothings been said ) I'm glad you confronting your Dad lead to improved relations between you to you for being brave.

Thanks again - luv Witsend.

[streamdreams]

Have you seen this article

 

http://www.udel.edu/bkirby/asperger/grandparents.html

 

Julain

[witsend]

Thank you sweetdreams - i have just looked at the link and thought it was great. Am busy printing it off at the moment So now all I have to do is pluck up courage and/or find a diplomatic way of giving it to Dad Any ideas??

Luv Witsend.

[Kathryn]

Hi Witsend,

 

I hope you manage to find a way to resolve this and help your dad understand. It's difficult enough for us parents to pick out way through ASD issues and find support - it must be even harder for the previous generation. They have expectations and dreams for their grandchildren too: perhaps these are even more idealised than the parents' own hopes as they don't have to spend as much time with the real live versions!

 

We also have grandparent issues, your dad sounds very similar to my dad who hasn't been able to relate to my daughter since she was 4 (she's now 16). I have't yet been able to tell him about her ASD - I doubt he'd understand but I have mentioned her depression which he can relate to. He doesn't do feelings either. My mother in law is still grieving, I feel, for the kind of granddaughter she will never have.

 

And yes, I expect you still miss your mum very much. Mine died 27 years ago. I still miss her.

 

K

[witsend]

Thanks Kathryn - I'm guessing you must have been very young when your Mum died, can't imagine really how awful that must be. I suppose we expect the parent left to do the job of both? However old we are I think we always relate to our parents in the same pattern we did as kids

Have you not told your Dad about your daughters dx because you think he won't understand or because he'd be unsympathetic or some other reason? Sorry if that's probing too far or is a really stupid question, just with these difficulties with my own dad I'm really interested in other peoples stories, of 'how it is' for them.

On a positive note (hopefully ) i have given my Dad some info re AS to read (see sweetdreams post) tonight and he did actually seem a bit suprised but welcoming of it! Fingers crossed eh?

Take care - luv Witsend.

[Kathryn]

Witsend,

 

I'm glad you were able to give your dad the information and I hope it helps him to understand your son better.

 

I was 15 when my mum died - I think I just got on with school stuff at the time and coped with it but I've missed her more as an adult during the important milestones of my life, like marriage, childbirth etc. She was always the parent I related to better.

 

I suppose I've always found communication with my dad difficult, it's hard to talk to him about emotional topics and for various reasons relations between us have been strained at times. I have recently begun to think he may have AS himself, although I doubt whether he would ever recognise it. I wouldn't know where to begin to talk about L's dx specifically, but I have talked in a general way about her breakdown and depression and he was very sympathetic to that, so I may yet find a way in to telling him the whole story. As he lives quite far away I don't get to see him that often, and it's difficult to have an intimate conversation over the phone. I may do what you did and send him something to read - it may be easier.

 

Ironically, despite being similar to him, my daughter does not like her grandad very much and he finds her difficult to fathom. I think if they did spend more time together they would find they have a lot in common.

 

I hope you get Christmas sorted out, it's always a difficult delicate time for families especially when there are other stresses.

 

K

[witsend]

Thanks Kathryn - so sorry you lost your mum so early on. I always spoke to mine more than my Dad too and it's so hard to accept the parent that'a left doesn't 'get it'. My Dad has not commented yet on the stuff i gave him to read but I'm gonna be brave and ask him about it soon

Here's to a happy Xmas whatever/whoever's present eh?

Luv Witsend.