selevtive 'freinds'

[anxiousmom]

It makes my blood boil and want to cry all at the same time.

 

My son will come home from school and be sad and lonely and sometimes will admit to his freindless day. And then these 'mates' of his will have the gall to ask to come and play. I know they don't play with him AT school but we have a big house with a lot of fun things here (pets, big garden etc) and they just love to play here (I'm indulgent too) but I want to tell them that they can't because they shun my son at school and I know they just want to come for reasons other than to play with my son.

 

I hate it. I can see the greatful look in my boys eye... I think we both daren't say no as we are greatful for these small token scraps of freindship. But what can I do?

 

I'll feel used and disposed of when they leave after being fed and entertained and having trashed every inch of my house. Then monday will come and they'll be with their 'best' freind and apparently that'll mean they can't play with my son... and he'll be alone at school rejected again.

 

I can't stand it... it's the one thing that makes me crazy.... how long will this last?

Any 4 bedroom plastic bubble eutopias for sale anywhere?

[sarahjane]

I have the same with my 7 year olds "freinds" they don't play with him at school but are quite happy to come and play with his toys or play station if invited and often invite themselves asking H if they can come knowing he wll say yes. I try to guage H reaction to freinds coming before commiting often he doesn't want a certain child or children and when i have pushed it things have been a disaster. H also gets v stressted by them playing with certain of his toys - so I try to put these away or make it clear these are out of bounds. I do often feel "used" as they do not interact much with H but if he is keen on the idea then he often talks for weeks about him and his freind X playing together , and it seems to be beneficial.

 

I,m not sure that makes any sense but I try to go along with want H wants but can be difficult.

[Canopus]

This is bad news. It appears as if these so called friends are just exploiting you and your facilities at home. Now does your son ever go to his so called friends houses? If not, why not? Friendship is supposed to be reciprocal and if he never gets invited round his so called friends houses then the best thing to do would be to turn up on the doorstep and see his so called friends reaction.

 

I went through a similar phase where kids would call round my house yet they wouldn't invite me round their houses and didn't want to know me in the school playground although they talked to me in lessons. When I started turning up on their doorstep regularly then they rapidly ceased turning up on mine.

[anxiousmom]

but even if it's explotation - is it 'better' to turn them away with a flea in their ear?

 

I drew the line at him choosing what they should do. My boy is so eager to please he'd do anything... I stopped the usual "you go in goal and I'll just kick the ball hard at you and then mock your feeble clumbsy attempts to stop it"

 

It went well but I just get so wound up!!!

[Zemanski]

seeing that you don't really want to get rid of them, but want them to be better friends there are a couple of strategies you might use - one is to take stock and lay some ground rules, like when they arrive you tell them they must help tidy up things before they go home (not everything maybe but at least enough to make them take some responsibility for their mess), just a couple of things that might make life with them less one sided.

 

or you could try the sit down to a little treat with them and bring up a couple of issues like - I was wondering what sort of games you play together at school, or even a blatant - x would really like to come and play at your house one day, or even, if you can get them one at a time ask them directly to include your son and explain how left out he feels

 

or you could try to get to know their mums and ask them if your son could come round - it's really nice that y is always round at ours but x would love it if he could visit you sometime ...

 

relationships for AS kids do tend to be very one sided and your son will probably need you to help him initiate things, if I were you I would concentrate on the one or two your son likes best/the most sensitive ones so he can form a 1-1 relationship that might gain him entry into the group - actually invite him occasionally rather than him just knocking on your door and tell the others that your son is busy that night. You'll probably find your son feels more included with just one or two at a time than when they are all round at once.

If you make it a treat to be there as a guest and not so exciting as a drop-in centre then they will want to be invited and may think (if you hint enough) of giving an invite back.

 

good luck

 

Zemanski

[Surrey]

Reading this made me feel very sad. This is how it was for my son throughout his primary education at mainstream school. He now attends a specialist secondary school where everyone is in the same boat. Its early days, but so far it seems the best thing thats ever happened to him. He has lots of friends who take him for what he is. Sending him there was the hardest, but best decision I have ever made. He no longer wants to play with the so called 'friends' from his old school and last weekend said off his own back "they never really liked me anyway". Unfortunately is a very hard lesson to learn.

[anxiousmom]

It cuts me to the core. My latest worry/dilemna is our traditional halloween party (I love parties). My daughter blurted out a huge list of kids she wanted to come.... my son said 2 names and shrugged that one probably wouldn't come anyway.

 

Now I'm all of a tiz and might just cancel the whole thing... but is that fair on her... and surely we can get him to have a good time.... and and and....