How do we get from denial to acceptance - help??

[Angus]

Hi all,

 

J 12 dg Aspergers 18 months ago and in vehement denial ever since. the mention of the word sets him off. he goes to a school with special provision unit but refuses to go anywhere near it or to have anything to do with the staff. He is either non-cooperative when being observed or assessed by anyone or plays his trump card - little angel! Refuses medication and says aspergers dg is our way of trying to make him feel inferior, when he knows the opposite is true.

 

Any coping strategies or experiences with denial would be avidly read.

 

Cheers

 

Angus

Edited January 4, 2006 by Angus

[oracle]

Refuses medication and says aspergers dg is our way of trying to make him feel inferior, when he knows the opposite is true.

 

How does he know that the opposite is true? Looking at this situation though his eyes and with his perception then maybe he sees things very differently to you. And for what is medication being offered if I may ask?

 

I am not trying to be agrumentative but I know a little of what it is like for a child to be given a diagnosis at this age. My son was 13 when he was finally diagnosed and for him it was a relief. But I worried so much about how he would react to a diagnosis. The only way that I could imagine what it must be like to be told something of this magnitude was to have been told at that age that I had been adopted after believing that I had been living with my 'real' parents all of my life. Does this make sense to you?

 

Some adults never accept their dx and you can not force anyone to accept what they do not want to know. Maybe he needs more time to adjust and let this sink in. Then maybe he will be ready to discuss his condition. At the moment maybe he feels that everything has changed and things are being thrust at him. This is could well be scaring him. It's just a thought? But as his Dad you know him best.

 

Carole

[BuntyB]

Having a 13 year old myself, I think whatever your views it is quite normal for someone of this age to disagree with you. It's also likely that the more of an issue it becomes, the more likely he will kick against it.

 

I am also wondering what medication your son is being given?

 

This might be a contraversial point, but does it really matter whether or not he accepts his dx? In my opinion, the dx is there for other people to understand and accept your son for who he is. For some people, a dx is helpful to let them accept themselves, but this depends on the person.

 

My son didn't want a dx. At 13 kids don't want to feel 'different', but we are having to go down this route when he asked for help when things got difficult at school and the staff need to understand his difficulties, however, he doesn't want his peers to know and is horrified by any suggestion of going to a seperate unit and drawing attention to himself.

 

Is it possible to diffuse the situation by accepting that he knows himself better than anybody and that if he feels he can cope then that's okay, but he can always ask for help if he needs it and make it his decision? What are your fears?

[ceecee]

I think it can depend on the levelof someone's A.S.

 

i strongly suspect i have A.s. but it is mild.It doesn't hamper my day to day life too much.I bring up two children and work and run a home.I don't consider I need a diagnosis because i don't feel it would benefit me in any way

 

But there are many people with a.s. who need a diagnosis to get the help they deperately need.

 

Then there are those who want a diagnosis so that they and other people can understand and accept them.

 

Some want to shout it from the rooftops others prefer to keep it quiet.

 

I agree with whats all ready be said there are many adults that suspect they have a.S/ but just want to get on with their life and don't want to accept they have it and shy away from it completely.

 

It is what is best for the person concerned really and also to an extent those who have to live around them.

[curra]

Hi Angus,

 

I've got a similar situation with my son (12). He knows that he has AS but he accepts it only to a certain extent. He says that he has only "very little" Asperger's, and I reassure him saying that he's right because I think his denial is a sign of anxiety and fear. Could it be that your son is also reacting with anxiety caused by the diagnosis? Our children are very perceptive and clever. Perhaps you could leave a book about Asperger's for kids somewhere so he can read it when he wishes. I've found that focusing on the positive ( AS kids become specialists, have wonderful memory, etc) helped him to accept .

 

My biggest problem with my son though is that he's in denial of behaviour that is unacceptable, such as anger out of control, and as long as he cannot do this (admit that he needs to behave in an acceptable way), he doesn't see the need to make an effort to improve. He's not taking medication but going to counselling. It's had so far little effect on him because of his denial but I know that counselling takes time so I still have hopes. At school he's usually well-behaved and he doesn't want to receive support.

 

I avoid argueing with him because it leads to more confrontation and defiance.

Hope this helps a bit.

 

Good luck!

 

Gloria

[Angus]

Many thanks for the comments

 

Carole

 

J believes he is superior to just about everyone and spends a lot of time telling everyone.( of course this might be his way of handling a self esteem issue). He is on a mild dosage of Risperdal to take the edge of extreme behaviour and help him calm down just enough to be able to deal with day to day life. Without it his behaviour has been very extreme and socially unacceptable and gets in the way of him getting on with life.

 

I agree that it is most likely to be about how he deals with the world. btw he is adopted but has always known. We just feel that he needs help and whilst in denial is not going to be open to it. We do try to leave him to deal with it in his own way although there are times when that is just not acceptable ( eg if violent and abusive to others)

 

(at this point my words seem so inadequate in expressing the situation, i only wish i did feel like I knew him best)

 

Shona

 

thanks I agree. Its only when his behaviour becomes unacceptable that this really becomes an issue. It goes through ups and downs ( more down than up) and Christmas holidays must be one of the worst times so the poor lamb is suffering at the moment.

 

 

Gloria

 

Yes this is one of the key points for us, J doesnt accept that his behaviour is unacceptable (anger out of control) and refuses to 'engage' in counselling.

 

A gem which I should keep saying over and over to myself is 'avoid confrontation' does it really matter if he's drawing all over the wall. Problem is it does matter when he's kicking the dog and trying to throttle his mother. But whnever possible 'avoid confrontation' it only leads to escalation and places we would really rather avoid if at all possible. Unfortunately i've not yet been canonised and sometimes I make mistakes. But i always end up saying avoid confrontation, ignore the behaviour if feasible, be strong by walking away.

 

Thanks again for all the responses, would love to get some more

 

 

angus

[oracle]

I do think that you can always avoid confrontation. There are times with my eldest whent he actively seeks confrontation and if we do not rise to the bait then he sees this as confrontation. So it's a no win situation.

 

I am sorry if my original answer to your post sounded harsh - without the full background details it's easy to get it wrong It is also not easy to get it right when everyone else is the problem. My eldest went through a few years when he was adamant that everyone else had the problem and not him. He did mellow as he grew up but things can still be very difficult with him.

 

Carole

[Kathryn]

Hi Angus,

 

My daughter aged 16 was dx with AS about 20 months ago when she was just 15. In the last two years she has rollercoastered between several states: autistic and fiercely proud of it, confusion, total denial and hostility.

 

She was the one who researched the condition, recognised the traits in herself and pushed for a diagnosis in the first place. She would explain the condition to everyone who asked and had a good grasp of it. Despite that she had periods of depression and denial where she wailed "why do I have to be like this - I wish I was like O (her brother) then you would love me more". Even recently when we thought she had finally assimilated it all, she still came and asked me "what makes you think I'm autistic?" I suppose teenagers on the spectrum are trying to work out their identity like their NT peers and it's not surprising that their views of themselves shift and change all the time.

 

I don't know if this would help your son but my daughter has enjoyed reading some of the many biographies which have been written by people with ASD. She has been able to absorb the information at her pace and because they are personal accounts she gives them the respect she wouldn't give to a professional - or her parents! She has recognised many aspects of herself and has been intrigued and delighted to discover that there are others who see the world in the same way she does. Her books have probably helped her more to understand herself than anything we could have done or said.

 

K

Edited January 5, 2006 by Kathryn