How do your children behave...

[mum22boys]

Hi all,

 

M has always found talking to strangers or seeing people out of their normal environment difficult. What concerns me is he seems to be getting worse and i don't know what to do.

 

Six months ago if a stranger had spoken to him he would have ignored them and maybe grunted if they persisted. Today a man in the bank said to M 'what's the matter with you, why are you so miserable?' Now M walks around quite a bit with a frown on his face especially when he is out. Straight away M shouted 'shut up' and kicked him in the shin. Now I didn't know what to do because he was on the way to a full tantrum. I explained to the man that M was autistic and apologised. He said no problem but then started winding him up further. Once in full swing m shouts a lot and his favourite saying is 'shut up' to which the man kept saying 'no'.

 

I am worried by his anger when someone speaks to him when he is not expecting it. So far this hasn't extended to the kids in his class who he ignores once out the school.

 

Does any of your kids behave in this way? Obviously i know it is a communication problem but i am worried he is getting worse.

 

mum22boys

[OPooh]

I'm sorry but I think others have a big part to play too - which is why I have trouble leaving my ds with them.

Do you think that if the man had said something like "are you ok?" rather than "why are you so miserable" he'd have given quiet the same response?

 

My ds it depends on who is talking to him and how. He didn't used to say hello to people he knew in the street that said hello to him first even - but now he is learning that this is what the rules are....and is getting there.

 

My ds is 9 - I don't know what factor age plays either.

 

Good luck with it.

[Bullet]

My honest reply is that that man (who wound your ds up) sounds like a complete ######. Did it make him feel important, having a go at a child like that?

[rainbow queen]

my son also dose this-or blanks them and then the stranger will persist-and then they will quickly wish they hadnt

[Bullet]

Ds1 interacts with others exactly as he does with me and DH. Which is, he will not do eye contact. He often seems to be "zoned out". He does not check your reaction to something or look at you when he's seen something. He won't point things out. If he does want to communicate he uses hands as a tool and it's just to ask for help with things. Although saying that today I was trying to get him to respond to a question about his toy sheep and I asked him what it was and he grabbed my finger and moved it around the sheep's head. Which I'm thinking was his way of telling me about it

[Kathryn]

Hi mum22boys,

 

I think my daughter would have responded aggressively if a complete stranger had confronted her with this question! Firstly because he IS a stranger and therefore breaking the usual rules of social contact (strangers don't normally talk to you) and secondly because the question has no obvious factual response. Based on previous observations, she would be thrown into confusion about what was required of her and would react in a way which might be perceived as "rude". She normally looks daggers at people and turns away in this kind of situation.

 

I don't have any practical advice on this though - we're still working on the appropriate response to "How are you?" My daughter thinks it's a stupid and meaningless thing to say and doesn't see why she should have to answer.

 

K

[elainem]

hello

 

my ds used to have terrible problems with this, even people we met in the street regularly, he really shouted at one old lady who had always been lovely to me and the boys since borth (twins). when I told him he had scared her he thought that was funny, this was the worst one, it upset me especially as she is so lovely.

 

we worked on this for ages with the help of SLT and social story about meeting people. He now knows it is fine if he doesn't want to chat but he must at least be polite and let me chat if I want to - he used to drag me away. I just say to the neighbour on M's behalf, oh he doesn't feel like chatting today - not ideal but at least he's not yelling etc at them.

 

Do you think a social story might work?

 

Elaine

Edited January 24, 2006 by elainem

[loulou]

Hi mum22boys,

 

To the stupid man in the bank . What an idiot.

 

Kai would have done the same in that situation.

 

If total stranger speaks to him, he will either completely blank them, growl at them, or shout "Go away!", with his head down.

 

If it is someone he knows, again he will either blank them, or run off.

 

When he was at his old school, we'd often bump into kids from his class at the shops. They would skip up to him and say, "Hello Kai!" and he'd totally ignore them. It makes him look really rude, but i don't let it bother me anymore.

 

One thing that i find strange though, is that he will sometimes go up to someone on the checkout and start talking to them (or rather AT them), usually about trains. I suppose it's on his terms, so that's ok for him.

 

I think i might try social stories for this one.

 

Loulou x

[lancelot]

The more I see of complete strangers, the more I think they're the ones with the problem.

 

Yesterday my youngest daughter E (aged 4, NT, allegedly; permanently accessorised with at least one tiara) was having a lovely strop in the supermarket queue (stupid mother -- me -- had thought we just could nip in even though she was tired from swimming). A dear elderly lady came up to her, peered into her face from inches away, told her that 'Princesses never scream like that dear', and took E's beloved tiara off her head.

 

Now E is a loud and confident child, so she bawled at the daft old bat, 'That's called STEALING and horrible STEALERS get taken away by the police!'

 

If it had been my ASD child at four, there is no way he could have come up with an articulate response, and he would have lashed out or been petrified for hours.

 

What IS it with these people? Could we issue all of them with Social Stories on how to behave to strange children?

[Jill]

TBH I think I would have been tempted to kick this idiot on the shin if he had asked me a question like that.

 

IMO he was rude & it serves him right.

 

Anyway -

 

To answer the question, The Boy is only 4 and usually just stares at people that talk to him. He's non verbal & only smiles at people he knows and likes. He can stare for a very very very long time, so usually the person starts off talking to him (he stares solemnly at them), then the person tries to engage his interest (he stares solemnly at them), then smiles uncertainly (he stares solemnly at them) and then gives up.

 

I've not attempted to change his behaviour in this situation - I'm glad he doesn't interact with people he doesn't know.

[Suze]

My son scowls alot when we are out and about, and if a stranger came up to him like this man did I,d be furious.I would never dream of approaching a child I did,nt know.This man had no right to speak to your son this way, I,m sure he would,nt have spoken to another adult like that, so why did he feel it o.k. to talk to a child in this manner.Makes my blood boil it does .