KEEPING YOUR COOL

[caz]

Hi

 

My husband is finding things extremely difficult with our son who has Aspergers, in terms of remaining calm. He's doesn't seem able to ignore my son when things get bad, or walk away (son follows him!). My son picks up on this and kicks, hits and shouts at his dad (who really gets the brunt of all the aggression). Often hubby will react by becoming visibly angry (can see it in his face) and shouts or slams doors, etc. I'm really concerned about the situation. I love both my son and my hubby, but am not prepared to watch hubby lose his temper (he's in no way violent) as this sets no example to our son. I've suggested he visits his GP to discuss it. Really not sure if this is a good idea or not ? petrified my son ends up in care! (you do hear stories about kids being taken into care when it's not justified). Any suggestions?

 

caz

[clintess]

my estranged husband also finds my ds 1 adhd son and ds2 asd son very hard to understand and can eitherbe like your husband or the total op and give in to everything they want.we in fact parted due to alot of strain of both boys conditions.he admits he doesnt understand them and how to deal with the sitution but he himself is also adhd which does not help.

all i can advice is,is there a local asd group you can both go to or ask your childs peadtrition if there is a workshop that parents can attend as they run them from diet to behaviour,i myself would like to attend one but simply havent the time.

with my ex husband well i am likely as we are friends with an asd teacher and she explains alot to him.

i hope you find he common ground you are looking for. <'>

[mossgrove]

Caz

 

Welcome to the forum!

 

There is a book you can order from Amazon called 'Asperger Syndrome and Difficult Moments' that you can buy from Amazon at:

 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1...4747721-2298824

 

I am sure you can buy it elsewhere too.

 

One thing it would help with is exaplaining to your husband the importance of keeping his feelings in check, and helping him understand that your son isn't 'getting away with it' (in the same way as a non-autistic child would) when he isn't punished in certain situations.

 

I know through experience that this is massively easier to say than do, but if you can find a way to reward good behaviour as well as reacting to the bad it will help a lot, it is just as important to give lavish praise and attention when something does right as it is to deal with bad behaviour. Does your son get attention from your husband when he is behaving appropriately?

 

When our son's behaviour was at it's worst a couple of years ago we had a 'Being Gentle' chart where he got one tick for every half an hour when he didn't hit or shout in an intimidating fashion at anyone. If he got 20 ticks in a day he could have his computer games. This allowed for some bad behaviour.

 

This isn't an easy issue to deal with, but you are NOT alone, many of us have dealt with similar issues so you will find plenty of advice and support here.

 

Simon

Edited February 24, 2006 by mossgrove

[Paula]

Caz

 

Dont worry about going to the gps and kids been taken away kinda thing.

 

To cut a long story short i was haveing bother with my NT daughter a while ago,we kept argueing and it did become physically violent at one stage she tried to strangle me and i ended up in a physical fight with her.I was scared also i needed help we both did but i was scared of what the drs would do.

 

I neednt have worried.We both went to gether me and my daughter she was 13 at the time i explained the situation at home,her being the typical teenage nightmare,me looseing me rag it all kicking off.

 

Without a lie the gp didnt bat an eyelid.In fact she said it was a common story and shed heard it all before.

 

We got help for our daughter she was haveing awfull mood swings hormones women problems,i was depressed ect and hence the reason i couldnt cope with her.We spoke to the school told them the full story and againe not an eyelid batted.

 

 

Go seek help dont waite like i did till it all went t!ts up and turned physically violent.Our life is so much better now.All it took was talking,understanding and stuff.They dont just take kids of people beleive me what ive pointed out here about our situation is the edited cencered parts.It was a lot worse than that at times.

 

Good luck.

Edited February 24, 2006 by Paula

[sue45]

Hi Caz, something occurred to me just now when I re-read your post (I came on earlier and read it but couldn't think what to say, now I'm a glass and a half into a bottle of wine I'm feeling very lucid but also aware that it might be false clarity and more to do with alcohol-fuelled delusion. Apologies before I go on if that's so!), when your son and husband are in the middle of something, you are, as an observer, able to see how things are going from bad to worse, and it sounds like your son targets your husband because he's latched onto the fact that your husband gets drawn in more easily than you do. I can relate very well to this, as a single parent, it's always been just me so when the s**t hits the fan, there's no running away or taking a breather because you can't just walk out and leave a small child on their own - or now - a rather larger child who is in extreme distress, but sometimes it's so difficult to keep my cool because you never know when she's going to blow and it can really shake me up. The thing is, my daughter won't/can't give me space to calm down if I'm not handling it well, and like your son with your husband, will follow me. I've ended up barracaded in a room to get away from her because I need to calm down, with her on the other side of the door battering it to get in at me. It can feel really dangerous at times, time for white vans and straight jackets for us both (I'd welcome prison in my darker moments).

 

But! And here's the long-winded point I set out to make, could you deflect your son's attention from your husband and get your husband to leave you to it for a moment so he can get his equalibrium back? Even if he just walks to the end of the street and back. I have a very good friend (my xhubby, not my daughter's father) who over the last five years has come more and more into our lives and loves my daughter like his own (I think we're his surrogate family although there's nothign romantic between us), but he's seen more of how it is than anyone else in my life and understands better than anyone, and `i've noticed over the last couple of years, as H has come to trust him and show more of the behaviour that's difficult to cope with when he's around, he has shown enormous patience and effort, but has on occasion succumbed to anger (not violence). The funny thing for me is that up until he became more involved, the pressure of getting it right all the time alone, and not having that minute to recoup when things are intense, made/make me unable at times to see what's really required ie patience and calm. If H has a meltdown when he's there now, he is willing to step into the fold when I'm flagging. The big thing for me is that when he takes over, I can see very clearly how it needs to be handled, especially if he starts to get cross with her, or tries to reason when it's well past the point of reasoning (it just gets her more upset and angry), and i can come back in refreshed and able to do what's necessary (wait for her to calm down and keep her safe).

 

I've got to be careful how I put this, i don't want to upset you, but it is easy to see how things should be conducted as an observer because you're ever-so slightly detached from it not being the one who is being physically or verbally accosted by your son at that moment (I don't mean detached emotionally because i know it must be awful for you watching your husband and son in these situations) Would it be possible for you to take over as soon as your son and husband seem as if they might get in a deadlock, thereby relieving your husband so he can get a breather and calm down and also show your son that dad's not going to be drawn in every time. I know that really puts the onus on you and it might be difficult for your husband to back down, but it might get you out of the cycle and pull you and your husband closer together on this one. Try talking to him. Maybe decide on a sign you and your husband recognise where he can walk out before it gets really bad ie you can let your husband know he's getting in too deep/your husband feels he's losing control and can let you know, so you can take over to allow him to regain composure.

 

Do you know, it's taken me ages to write that, and I bet while I've been going round about the houses, someone else has posted the same in a couple of concise sentences!!! Sorry, it's the wine (I'm lying, I'm always longwinded wine or no wine)

 

Anyway, I really hope you find a way.

 

Good luck.

 

Sue

 

xx

[hev]

hello caz,i have exactly same situation with steve and my partner,its horrendous,my partner cannot seem to let a lot of the stuff steve says or does go over his head where i can,my partner also gets the brunt of steves agression,the thing is though when i lose my temper with steven i find it more acceptable than if my partner does if that makes sense,its like being piggy in the middle and it causes me so much stress,someone said on here once that men might find the confrontation harder to take as its a male thing,it might have been carole,i agree with that but i dont know how to explain it very well